Home   |         NEW: (hypothetically starring) VIC REEVES as LUKE SKYWALKER .. in "Waiting for Godot, the hollywood version".

This is dedicated to Rachel Riley's awareness of Nelson Mandela's and Nelson Mandela's grandson's, and Desmond Tutu's (to pick a few) position on the racist endeavour that is Israel. (Or indeed what South Africa's position on Israel is, or the degree to which Israel supported white supremacists in South Africa just as today it supports Bolsonaro, Trump and numerous other white supremacist racists, openly, officially). More comedy lessons for me fans at the BBC, ITV, Channel Four, Fleet Street, Main Street, Sesame Street and and Hooky Street. The sort of thing our 'comedians' fail to put out as they are a bunch of Royal Variety show performers. They are performers who have been playing for Epstein. Go on, make your jokes for Epstein and Weinstein and pretend MANDELA laughs with you not at you, you pathetic fascists. Before the comedy lesson, perhaps you, Rachel Riley, will read these words: << South Africa has decided to downgrade its relations with Israel to the level of liaison bureau, which will not deal with bilateral relations. Ambassador to Israel Sisa Ngombane, who was recalled to protest the killing of demonstrators in Gaza, will not return. South Africa has essentially severed diplomatic relations with Israel. We're left with Chad. >> (source: Haaretz).   Share:  
Thrust of argument: Go here for the latest working published copy (will put speakers in bold eventually) of me latest comedy screenplay idea. Below is the initial archive of versions, as it sprung to life. Direction of resistance / implied resistance: Hunting of the Snark / Godot 2 / Madam Bovary, the neoliberal version/remake

POTENTIALLY STARRING: CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD, JOANNA LUMLEY as EMMA BOVARY, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as AMERICAN SPY, VIC REEVES as LOUIS XVI, BOB MORTIMER as MARIE ANTOINETTE, EDWARD NORTON as WHITE NARRATOR, KERMIT THE FROG as HIMSELF, LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN, BERNIE THE AGENT as HIMSELF, JOHNNY VEGAS as MEL BROOKS, MEL BROOKS as KING TURNIP, TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK, ANTOINE DE CAUNES as CHARLES BOVARY, ENOCH POWELL AS BORIS THE BARBARIAN, RICHARD BRIERS as DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE, ANT AND DEC as ELVIS

EXT. RIVER BOAT. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS TRAVELLING BY BOAT THROUGH SOUTH ASIA AGAIN, ACCOMPANIED BY SOLDIERS.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I didn't know why I was in this film. Everybody had died in the previous one. And besides, it wasn't parodying anything in particular, my being here was entirely random - arbitrary. But one thing was obvious. Godot was not dead. How could he be? He was probably the screenwriter. I updated my Facebook page to inform my fans that the reason so many white people become hysterically afraid at the sound of the phrase "Jeremy Corbyn" was because his fairness and accountability heralded the beginning of the end of white entitlement and white racial preference. Rachel Riley blocked me. The first like I got came from Madam Bovary. I knew this was not by chance but by the screenwriter's design. So Beckett was going to rewrite Flaubert now. I thanked my lucky stars he had chosen Bovary and not the legend of St Julian the Hospitaller.

RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir! We've reached Guam now.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

Guam. Always Guam. Was it because it had one of those names which sounds good on film? Probably. Even Godot was a sucker for vanity. I knew that the answer to my problems lay there. Somehow I could exploit Godot's vanity and stop him before the no doubt horrifying tale of Madam Bovary were to unfold in its entirety. Being Charlie Sheen, I decided the best thing I could do to save Bovary would be to give her a good seeing to (consenting, of course - I'm not one of THOSE American soldiers, I'm the one who deals with THOSE American soldiers).

RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir, I don't understand. Would you like me to kill someone?

CAPTAIN WILLARD (TO SOLDIER)

No no, I was just talking to the audience. I'm the narrator. It pays well.

CUT TO..

INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT.

WHITE NARRATOR

People always ask me if I know Jeremy Corbyn. Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero. Do you have a speech for the occasion?

MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film Norton.

WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -

MAN WITH GUN

(punches him again)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film, whoever you are. So keep your Stanislavskian crap to yourself. This film is not about white saviours.

CUT TO.. INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON WHERE LOUIS XVI HAS, HAVING BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A MAD ISRAELI SCIENTIST, A SECRET BASE, WHERE HE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE LIVING, PREPARING FOR A NEW FEUDAL AGE THEY INTEND TO BRING ABOUT THROUGH A CUNNING PLAN.

LOUIS XVI

Listen love, soon you will be able to eat all the organic cake products your heart desires, for I have a plan now, I know how I am going to regain control of France and in fact the world, thanks to our Israeli friends.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Israel? Surely you must not take control of Israel or that would be ungrateful. They have killed and nobbled so many people on your behalf, indeed it was their ethics-free scientists who brought you back to life with their lovely Day-of-the-zombie Weinstein 5000 machine!

LOUIS XVI

No love, I will not take over Israel, just the rest of the world. Don't you want to hear my plan?

MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm sure it's a lovely plan. I want to hear more about those cakes. Will they have chocolate icing? I love chocolate icing. Particularly if it is flecked with little pieces of white chocolate, with vanilla which has come from some location marketing companies know everyone will put their faith in.

LOUIS XVI

Listen, I'm the King. You're just the Queen. Now shut up and listen to my plan. It's a great one. You should love it. It's a feminist plan.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Oh I do love your feminist plans. I enjoyed your feminist revival of Thatcher. The slogan "women have a right to exploit and kill and be labelled heroes" was a masterpiece. Imagine if only men were allowed to receive praise for things like genocide. Since we were granted this privilege we are truly a more well treated gender. What's the new plan?

LOUIS XVI

In a word, Bovary. Emma Bovary. I'm going to get her to carry out a feminist revolution in which the planet is renamed Vagina World and I will be its King.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Surely such a world would need a Queen?

LOUIS XVI

Get with the times, love. Take a look at the Guardian, the head of western feminist thought management - it promotes control of the world by a few extremely powerful men and their wives. Same as you and me. We're proper feminists.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

That's brilliant then, Vic. I mean Louis. What are you waiting for? Get hold of Emma Bovary and start your 'revolution'. I'm just going down the shops. We've run out of Battenbergs again. I know you love em with your tea.

LOUIS XVI

I like my Battenbergs.

CUT TO..

INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT. WHITE NARRATOR, MAN WITH GUN AND BALDRICK ARE PLAYING CLUEDO.

BALDRICK

I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the drone warfare centre, with the computer keyboard.

WHITE NARRATOR

You know, man with gun, I really don't think this kind of contest is macho enough. We need to be bare fisted, rolling around on the ground and sweating.

MAN WITH GUN

My dear Norton, this is not a porn film. This is an existential study of the failings of the latterday bourgeoisie.

WHITE NARRATOR

So was fight club.

MAN WITH GUN

No it wasn't. It was a mindless sexist macho sensationalist bunch of shit with a seemingly 'clever twist' at the end. Just another American male far up himself, revelling in his own sophistry, calling that sophistry dissent.

WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, but it paid well. I'm not even getting paid for this.

MAN WITH GUN

That's because this film isn't real. Nothing is real. We are figments of the imagination of some sort of plant.

BALDRICK

I thought it was King Turnip who was responsible for all this, my lord. After all, in the last film you killed me and now I'm here again. Surely only King Turnip with his magic powers could bring me back to life. And besides, you must have killed the plant in the last film, so it can't be the plant dreaming, can it?

MAN WITH GUN

It's very simple, Baldrick, I killed the wrong plant. I killed a cactus which the plant dreamt it was - ie it dreamt it was dreaming - it imagined itself to be a cactus. In reality it is some other plant. Probably in a pot, on a windowsill. We're going to have to hunt it down again.

WHITE NARRATOR

Yeah, well I think it was Miss Scarlett in the propaganda production facility at Guardian Newspaper Headquarters, with the racist neoliberal bilge intended to drive blind support for racist genocidal interventionist politics, accidentally causing far right numbers to swell so high that it turns into a Brexit and blows up in her face.

CUT TO..

INT. HOME OF CHARLES BOVARY. DULL CEO BY DAY. SECRET GAY NIGHT CLUB OWNER BY NIGHT. WHILE CHARLES OSTENTATIOUSLY ADDS NEW ACQUISITIONS TO HIS STAMP COLLECTION, HIS WIFE IS UPSTAIRS IN HER BEDROOM, ON THE PHONE TO HER LATEST LOVER, AMERICAN SPY, A SENIOR MARKETING EXECUTIVE AT THE CHARITY CORPORATION OF AMERICA, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER ALSO AN ISRAELI SPY WHO HAS BEEN RECRUITED TO TRICK HER INTO CONVERTING HER PENT-UP RAGE, BORN OUT OF THE FUTILITY AND BANALITY OF HER SITUATION AND THE WORLD SHE LIVES IN, INTO CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ON A SCALE NEVER WITNESSED BY THE HUMAN RACE BEFORE.

AMERICAN SPY

I'm tired of the world of marketing and charity. I've rolled out my last rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushion in the name of gay consumer rights, I want to do more for the world. More than I've already done, absurd though that may seem. Let us make this film about you and me, Emma. Let me raise you to the highest heights - and help you overpower the world. You can revolutionise the way humans think - and live happily ever after.

EMMA BOVARY

But the book doesn't end that way. Flaubert was taking the piss out of us, not holding us up as Roman or Greek heroes to worship. This film is a farce and if you really think you can change that, you're stupider than I thought. But that's okay, sweetheart. I like you for your body not your mind.

AMERICAN SPY

Well we'll rewrite it. That's the modern way. Take anything humans have ever done, good or bad, and remake it in an arbitrary way which suits our immediate commercial needs.

EMMA BOVARY

What sort of revolution?

AMERICAN SPY

The Vagina revolution. We will change this planet's name to Vagina World.

EMMA BOVARY

The whole planet?

AMERICAN SPY

Well except Israel, of course.

EMMA BOVARY

How exactly can we start a revolution?

AMERICAN SPY

You are Emma Bovary. You have a lot of popularity among middle class hyperconsumers across the world, you are a cultural artefact, one of those things western humans and their serfs in many grovelling conquered outposts are most proud of is historical artefacts with famous names. They tend to know, on average, next to nothing about the aforesaid artefacts but are nonetheless able to, in their own minds, assign to them some sort of generative property - which all by itself yields intellectual culture and progress in any individual who is even sitting in the pub nearby having a pint of lard and some pork scratchings.

EMMA BOVARY

So it's my marketing power, really, which you think we can capitalise on. I'm not sure I like that, but I am very bored, so tell me more.

AMERICAN SPY

Well, first we're going to do a charity run.

EXT. SWAMP, DAY. KERMIT THE FROG IS PLAYING HIS BANJO AND SINGING, NEARBY BERNIE THE AGENT IS BOATING.

KERMIT

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong wait and see. Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and -

[GUN-SHOT RINGS OUT AND KERMIT'S HEAD IS BLOWN OFF HIS SHOULDERS.]

MAN WITH GUN

Sorry Kermit, this film isn't about you or about making millions of people happy. This is a sick farce about the meltdown of human society. This is about the real world.

BERNIE THE AGENT

Was that REALLY necessary?

MAN WITH GUN

Don't ask me, ask the screenwriter.

[SHOOTS BERNIE THE AGENT DEAD]

CUT TO..

INT. SPORTS CAR. EMMA BOVARY AND CHARLES BOVARY ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT THE IMMORAL NATURE OF CHARLES' JOB AS HEAD OF MARKETING FOR THE EXPLOITATION CORPORATION AND HIS LATEST PROJECT TO ROLL OUT FOURTEEN MILLION NOVELTY RAINBOW-COLOURED STYLISED-TURD-SHAPED CUSHIONS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIRTUE SIGNAL IN ORDER TO OPEN UP NEW MARKETS AND INCREASE PROFITS.

EMMA BOVARY

When I married you I thought you were a charismatic, strong-willed and free-minded individual, and glamorous and interesting. In reality all you really have is wealth and might. You are a snake oil salesman and from dawn to dusk all you do is exploit and harm, with a smile on your face and a dirty thought in your head.

CHARLES BOVARY

That is simply not true, I am a very kind man at heart, it is the world which is evil. Ask Nicholas Cage in that film about the virtues of genocide. Even the Times of Israel has, albeit very briefly, praised genocide. Look, there's a hotel. Why don't we stop for the night?

EMMA BOVARY

It's lunch time. And no. I refuse to have sex with you until I have resolved this moral problem. Now talk. What can we do to fix your satanic and evil nature?

HE BEGINS TO MAKE AN OBVIOUSLY SLEAZY SUGGESTION.

EMMA BOVARY

No, I'm not interested in your lazy and ignorant narcissism right now. I want a change to happen. Corbyn style change. Real change. What's it going to be?

CHARLES BOVARY THINKS HARD. HE HAS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE. HE KNOWS THERE ARE MEN FAR MORE WORTHY OF EMMA BOVARY THAN HE AND IF SHE GOES ALL HIS WEALTH AND POWER MAY NOT BE AS ENJOYABLE. HE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE AND DOESN'T WANT TO RISK IT.

CHARLES BOVARY

Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we find you an orphaned Iraqi child, and do something nice for them.

EMMA BOVARY

That's just cheap and nasty. No. Not unless -

SHE HAS AN IDEA. CUT TO..

INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND A GROUP OF WHITE AND TOKEN RACISTS WHO BELIEVE IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS AS AN AXIOMATIC DOCUMENT ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR NEW FRIEND BORIS THE BARBARIAN.

BORIS THE BARBARIAN

So I said: "but you're a bloody scotsman so why don't you sod off!"

APPLAUSE FROM QUACKQUACK AND HIS COURTIERS.

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Let's sing a hymn now. Hymn number 90210, all things on my credit card.

THEY SING.

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Amen. So, Boris. Tell me more. Godot is back and on the loose again, you say. This is troublesome. I don't remember how it ended last time.

[ONE OF HIS AIDES EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT THEY ALL DIED AND GODOT TURNED OUT TO BE A MYSTICAL FORCE BEYOND THEIR COMPREHENSION, PROBABLY EXISTING IN AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE AS DIMENSIONS BUT WHAT TO GODOT ARE MERELY STRANDS OF A DIFFERENT AND 'HIGHER' PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER.]

PRESIDET QUACKQUACK

What I want to know is whether Louis the Sixteenth and his hot wife can come down and hang with us while we figure out how to kill Godot.

CUT TO..

INT. CHARLES BOVARY'S SPORTS CAR.

EMMA BOVARY

So what do you say?

CHARLES BOVARY

I don't even know Mel Brooks.

EMMA BOVARY

Rubbish. You can get hold of anyone you want. You are one of the most evil and powerful men alive today. There's almost nobody you can't unearth with a few threats to someone who owes you, or a bit of leaning on someone who's scared of you. Mel Brooks or divorce.

CHARLES BOVARY

Why Mel Brooks?

EMMA BOVARY

Introducing an Iraqi child who has been robbed of her entire family by worthless racist western scumbags to Mel Brooks can give that child back some kind of faith in humanity, some sort of understanding that even in the west, low and depraved though it is, there are great people who loathe those who behave the way she has been led by our actions and inactions to believe we are all taught to live.

CHARLES BOVARY

Alright alright, I don't need a lecture. I will get Mel Brooks. Now can we check into a hotel?

EMMA BOVARY

After I speak to Mel Brooks.

CHARLES BOVARY

Fine. Turn on the car phone will you, dear. I'd better call my secretary.

CUT TO..

EIGHTIES' AMERICAN TV DETECTIVE DRAMA SET. JIHADIS BEAT WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN, FROM ITALIANS TO JAMAICANS, GATHER TOGETHER IN GANGS AND KILL SECURITY GUARDS AND POLICEWOMEN TO PASS THE TIME. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS WALKING ALONG WITH A YOYO, LOOKING TO DEAL WITH WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE ANTI-WHITE VILLAINY, IN THE NAME OF PROVING THAT AUTHORITARIAN FORCE IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH NON WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS.

DEMPSEY

I really don't think the screenwriter has ever even seen a single episode of this show, it just had a famous name and he probably Googled it and was amazed at the sheer calumny it embodies, a typical boorish western establishment racist, classist, fascist demonisation of non white people, muslims, socialists, civilians (rather than police, security forces, armies and others with 'the right to kill baddies') and others. Very blatantly. He would never have watched such crap. Have you read the Waiting for Godot screenplay? This writer has some taste. Do me a favour. He doesn't even know which one of us is the American one and which is the English one.

MAKEPEACE

Well it doesn't matter, it's the same actor, isn't it?

DEMPSEY

Yes, I like that very much. I have a feeling the writer will merely write us as Richard Briers talking to himself, partly in an American accent, and will leave it up to us to decide which character, at any given time, has the American accent.

MAKEPEACE

I like that vey much.

DEMPSEY

Would you like some tea?

MAKEPEACE

Yes, I'd love some.

DEMPSEY (POURS TEA)

I think that Makepeace sounds like the English name, it has a sort of rustic bizarreness about it. Dempsey sounds much more American.

MAKEPEACE

I would say the opposite; makepeace has a weird american unorthodoxy about it, whilst dempsey sounds like some fellow down the King's road.

DEMPSEY

Nonsense.

MAKEPEACE

Look, what if we both use the same accent, or both use different american accents?

DEMPSEY

But that wouldn't be faithful to the text.

MAKEPEACE

What text? The screenwriter is parodying the people who even watch dempsey and makepeace, and its writers, and the issue of parodying the show itself doesn't even come up - the writer, as you say, has probably never even watched it - i mean what an appalling show it is, sowing racist stereotypes and blind obedience to violent authority in the minds of the young and impressionable?

DEMPSEY

you've got a good point there, makepeace, i say we both use my own normal English accent, a little bit Chiswick.

MAKEPEACE

No, i think I should do Boston and you should do Louisiana.

DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?

MAKEPEACE

That's it, that's it. You be Louisiana and i'll be Boston.

DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?

MAKEPEACE

Very humorous.

DEMPSEY

Oh give me a home where no liberals roam and the folks all think the same way, where each house has a gun, a big helluva one and strangers are told "make my day"..

CUT TO..

 

 

Enter your DOMAIN NAME to
collect this point:

 

Removal of resistance: More to come before long, as the election unfurls. Do elections unfurl? Is Rachel Riley aware that Nelson Mandela considered Israel's support for Apartheid South Africa's White Supremacist government to be a racist endeavour - I mean how could he not? Apparently Rachel is unaware of that and of South Africa's position on Israel or Nelson Mandela's grandson's, or Desmond Tutu's, or indeed billions of humans' views on it (bit of a village idiot is our Rachel), given her absurd racist claims about the man. Unification: Let's sing the neoliberal and right wing and Israeli theme song. All together now:

<<

(Intro)

Cause if you want the best ones and you don't ask questions then brother I'm you're man..

(Main)

We've got some half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles..

No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee, black or white, rich or poor, we'll cut prices at a stroke. God bless hooky street, viva hooky street, LONG LIVE hooky street, c'est magnifique hooky street..

>>
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(TVhobo's estimated size of readership since 2013, mainly in the UK and USA, with Germany in third place:
over 200,000 readers across approximately 200 cities/towns

 

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Related points:

References:

https://twitter.com/RobScottPhotos/status/1198509772795834368
https://www.jpost.com/Israel-News/Mandelas-grandson-on-visit-Israel-is-the-worst-apartheid-regime-515397
https://www.haaretz.com/opinion/.premium-by-cutting-off-relations-south-africa-branded-israel-with-the-mark-of-cain-1.7137293
https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk/2018/09/no-nelson-mandela-did-not-snub-jeremy-corbyn
https://www.thecanary.co/opinion/2019/11/21/rachel-riley-revealed-her-true-self-with-her-racist-apartheid-joke/
Former Countdown number person, Brandreth, on Corbyn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7lsRbDKOXg

https://twitter.com/hashtag/sackrachelriley (I put countdown 100% in the past of things I'd ever watch when Riley first started her hysterical attacks on Corbyn, but this new insult certainly makes me feel glad I don't watch television and I doubt I'll ever think about watching Channel Four. I presume they won't fire her over this even though she sides with those who try to hide genocide and Islamophobia by means of their numberwang-style use of the word 'anti-semitism').

 

 

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Simple text version.

This is dedicated to Rachel Riley's awareness of Nelson Mandela's and Nelson Mandela's grandson's, and Desmond Tutu's (to pick a few) position on the racist endeavour that is Israel. (Or indeed what South Africa's position on Israel is, or the degree to which Israel supported white supremacists in South Africa just as today it supports Bolsonaro, Trump and numerous other white supremacist racists, openly, officially). More comedy lessons for me fans at the BBC, ITV, Channel Four, Fleet Street, Main Street, Sesame Street and and Hooky Street. The sort of thing our 'comedians' fail to put out as they are a bunch of Royal Variety show performers. They are performers who have been playing for Epstein. Go on, make your jokes for Epstein and Weinstein and pretend MANDELA laughs with you not at you, you pathetic fascists. Before the comedy lesson, perhaps you, Rachel Riley, will read these words: << South Africa has decided to downgrade its relations with Israel to the level of liaison bureau, which will not deal with bilateral relations. Ambassador to Israel Sisa Ngombane, who was recalled to protest the killing of demonstrators in Gaza, will not return. South Africa has essentially severed diplomatic relations with Israel. We're left with Chad. >> (source: Haaretz).

Go here for the latest working published copy (will put speakers in bold eventually) of me latest comedy screenplay idea. Below is the initial archive of versions, as it sprung to life.

Hunting of the Snark / Godot 2 / Madam Bovary, the neoliberal version/remake

POTENTIALLY STARRING: CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD, JOANNA LUMLEY as EMMA BOVARY, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as AMERICAN SPY, VIC REEVES as LOUIS XVI, BOB MORTIMER as MARIE ANTOINETTE, EDWARD NORTON as WHITE NARRATOR, KERMIT THE FROG as HIMSELF, LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN, BERNIE THE AGENT as HIMSELF, JOHNNY VEGAS as MEL BROOKS, MEL BROOKS as KING TURNIP, TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK, ANTOINE DE CAUNES as CHARLES BOVARY, ENOCH POWELL AS BORIS THE BARBARIAN, RICHARD BRIERS as DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE, ANT AND DEC as ELVIS

EXT. RIVER BOAT. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS TRAVELLING BY BOAT THROUGH SOUTH ASIA AGAIN, ACCOMPANIED BY SOLDIERS.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I didn't know why I was in this film. Everybody had died in the previous one. And besides, it wasn't parodying anything in particular, my being here was entirely random - arbitrary. But one thing was obvious. Godot was not dead. How could he be? He was probably the screenwriter. I updated my Facebook page to inform my fans that the reason so many white people become hysterically afraid at the sound of the phrase "Jeremy Corbyn" was because his fairness and accountability heralded the beginning of the end of white entitlement and white racial preference. Rachel Riley blocked me. The first like I got came from Madam Bovary. I knew this was not by chance but by the screenwriter's design. So Beckett was going to rewrite Flaubert now. I thanked my lucky stars he had chosen Bovary and not the legend of St Julian the Hospitaller.

RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir! We've reached Guam now.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

Guam. Always Guam. Was it because it had one of those names which sounds good on film? Probably. Even Godot was a sucker for vanity. I knew that the answer to my problems lay there. Somehow I could exploit Godot's vanity and stop him before the no doubt horrifying tale of Madam Bovary were to unfold in its entirety. Being Charlie Sheen, I decided the best thing I could do to save Bovary would be to give her a good seeing to (consenting, of course - I'm not one of THOSE American soldiers, I'm the one who deals with THOSE American soldiers).

RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir, I don't understand. Would you like me to kill someone?

CAPTAIN WILLARD (TO SOLDIER)

No no, I was just talking to the audience. I'm the narrator. It pays well.

CUT TO..

INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT.

WHITE NARRATOR

People always ask me if I know Jeremy Corbyn. Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero. Do you have a speech for the occasion?

MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film Norton.

WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -

MAN WITH GUN

(punches him again)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film, whoever you are. So keep your Stanislavskian crap to yourself. This film is not about white saviours.

CUT TO.. INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON WHERE LOUIS XVI HAS, HAVING BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A MAD ISRAELI SCIENTIST, A SECRET BASE, WHERE HE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE LIVING, PREPARING FOR A NEW FEUDAL AGE THEY INTEND TO BRING ABOUT THROUGH A CUNNING PLAN.

LOUIS XVI

Listen love, soon you will be able to eat all the organic cake products your heart desires, for I have a plan now, I know how I am going to regain control of France and in fact the world, thanks to our Israeli friends.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Israel? Surely you must not take control of Israel or that would be ungrateful. They have killed and nobbled so many people on your behalf, indeed it was their ethics-free scientists who brought you back to life with their lovely Day-of-the-zombie Weinstein 5000 machine!

LOUIS XVI

No love, I will not take over Israel, just the rest of the world. Don't you want to hear my plan?

MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm sure it's a lovely plan. I want to hear more about those cakes. Will they have chocolate icing? I love chocolate icing. Particularly if it is flecked with little pieces of white chocolate, with vanilla which has come from some location marketing companies know everyone will put their faith in.

LOUIS XVI

Listen, I'm the King. You're just the Queen. Now shut up and listen to my plan. It's a great one. You should love it. It's a feminist plan.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Oh I do love your feminist plans. I enjoyed your feminist revival of Thatcher. The slogan "women have a right to exploit and kill and be labelled heroes" was a masterpiece. Imagine if only men were allowed to receive praise for things like genocide. Since we were granted this privilege we are truly a more well treated gender. What's the new plan?

LOUIS XVI

In a word, Bovary. Emma Bovary. I'm going to get her to carry out a feminist revolution in which the planet is renamed Vagina World and I will be its King.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Surely such a world would need a Queen?

LOUIS XVI

Get with the times, love. Take a look at the Guardian, the head of western feminist thought management - it promotes control of the world by a few extremely powerful men and their wives. Same as you and me. We're proper feminists.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

That's brilliant then, Vic. I mean Louis. What are you waiting for? Get hold of Emma Bovary and start your 'revolution'. I'm just going down the shops. We've run out of Battenbergs again. I know you love em with your tea.

LOUIS XVI

I like my Battenbergs.

CUT TO..

INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT. WHITE NARRATOR, MAN WITH GUN AND BALDRICK ARE PLAYING CLUEDO.

BALDRICK

I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the drone warfare centre, with the computer keyboard.

WHITE NARRATOR

You know, man with gun, I really don't think this kind of contest is macho enough. We need to be bare fisted, rolling around on the ground and sweating.

MAN WITH GUN

My dear Norton, this is not a porn film. This is an existential study of the failings of the latterday bourgeoisie.

WHITE NARRATOR

So was fight club.

MAN WITH GUN

No it wasn't. It was a mindless sexist macho sensationalist bunch of shit with a seemingly 'clever twist' at the end. Just another American male far up himself, revelling in his own sophistry, calling that sophistry dissent.

WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, but it paid well. I'm not even getting paid for this.

MAN WITH GUN

That's because this film isn't real. Nothing is real. We are figments of the imagination of some sort of plant.

BALDRICK

I thought it was King Turnip who was responsible for all this, my lord. After all, in the last film you killed me and now I'm here again. Surely only King Turnip with his magic powers could bring me back to life. And besides, you must have killed the plant in the last film, so it can't be the plant dreaming, can it?

MAN WITH GUN

It's very simple, Baldrick, I killed the wrong plant. I killed a cactus which the plant dreamt it was - ie it dreamt it was dreaming - it imagined itself to be a cactus. In reality it is some other plant. Probably in a pot, on a windowsill. We're going to have to hunt it down again.

WHITE NARRATOR

Yeah, well I think it was Miss Scarlett in the propaganda production facility at Guardian Newspaper Headquarters, with the racist neoliberal bilge intended to drive blind support for racist genocidal interventionist politics, accidentally causing far right numbers to swell so high that it turns into a Brexit and blows up in her face.

CUT TO..

INT. HOME OF CHARLES BOVARY. DULL CEO BY DAY. SECRET GAY NIGHT CLUB OWNER BY NIGHT. WHILE CHARLES OSTENTATIOUSLY ADDS NEW ACQUISITIONS TO HIS STAMP COLLECTION, HIS WIFE IS UPSTAIRS IN HER BEDROOM, ON THE PHONE TO HER LATEST LOVER, AMERICAN SPY, A SENIOR MARKETING EXECUTIVE AT THE CHARITY CORPORATION OF AMERICA, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER ALSO AN ISRAELI SPY WHO HAS BEEN RECRUITED TO TRICK HER INTO CONVERTING HER PENT-UP RAGE, BORN OUT OF THE FUTILITY AND BANALITY OF HER SITUATION AND THE WORLD SHE LIVES IN, INTO CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ON A SCALE NEVER WITNESSED BY THE HUMAN RACE BEFORE.

AMERICAN SPY

I'm tired of the world of marketing and charity. I've rolled out my last rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushion in the name of gay consumer rights, I want to do more for the world. More than I've already done, absurd though that may seem. Let us make this film about you and me, Emma. Let me raise you to the highest heights - and help you overpower the world. You can revolutionise the way humans think - and live happily ever after.

EMMA BOVARY

But the book doesn't end that way. Flaubert was taking the piss out of us, not holding us up as Roman or Greek heroes to worship. This film is a farce and if you really think you can change that, you're stupider than I thought. But that's okay, sweetheart. I like you for your body not your mind.

AMERICAN SPY

Well we'll rewrite it. That's the modern way. Take anything humans have ever done, good or bad, and remake it in an arbitrary way which suits our immediate commercial needs.

EMMA BOVARY

What sort of revolution?

AMERICAN SPY

The Vagina revolution. We will change this planet's name to Vagina World.

EMMA BOVARY

The whole planet?

AMERICAN SPY

Well except Israel, of course.

EMMA BOVARY

How exactly can we start a revolution?

AMERICAN SPY

You are Emma Bovary. You have a lot of popularity among middle class hyperconsumers across the world, you are a cultural artefact, one of those things western humans and their serfs in many grovelling conquered outposts are most proud of is historical artefacts with famous names. They tend to know, on average, next to nothing about the aforesaid artefacts but are nonetheless able to, in their own minds, assign to them some sort of generative property - which all by itself yields intellectual culture and progress in any individual who is even sitting in the pub nearby having a pint of lard and some pork scratchings.

EMMA BOVARY

So it's my marketing power, really, which you think we can capitalise on. I'm not sure I like that, but I am very bored, so tell me more.

AMERICAN SPY

Well, first we're going to do a charity run.

EXT. SWAMP, DAY. KERMIT THE FROG IS PLAYING HIS BANJO AND SINGING, NEARBY BERNIE THE AGENT IS BOATING.

KERMIT

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong wait and see. Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and -

[GUN-SHOT RINGS OUT AND KERMIT'S HEAD IS BLOWN OFF HIS SHOULDERS.]

MAN WITH GUN

Sorry Kermit, this film isn't about you or about making millions of people happy. This is a sick farce about the meltdown of human society. This is about the real world.

BERNIE THE AGENT

Was that REALLY necessary?

MAN WITH GUN

Don't ask me, ask the screenwriter.

[SHOOTS BERNIE THE AGENT DEAD]

CUT TO..

INT. SPORTS CAR. EMMA BOVARY AND CHARLES BOVARY ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT THE IMMORAL NATURE OF CHARLES' JOB AS HEAD OF MARKETING FOR THE EXPLOITATION CORPORATION AND HIS LATEST PROJECT TO ROLL OUT FOURTEEN MILLION NOVELTY RAINBOW-COLOURED STYLISED-TURD-SHAPED CUSHIONS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIRTUE SIGNAL IN ORDER TO OPEN UP NEW MARKETS AND INCREASE PROFITS.

EMMA BOVARY

When I married you I thought you were a charismatic, strong-willed and free-minded individual, and glamorous and interesting. In reality all you really have is wealth and might. You are a snake oil salesman and from dawn to dusk all you do is exploit and harm, with a smile on your face and a dirty thought in your head.

CHARLES BOVARY

That is simply not true, I am a very kind man at heart, it is the world which is evil. Ask Nicholas Cage in that film about the virtues of genocide. Even the Times of Israel has, albeit very briefly, praised genocide. Look, there's a hotel. Why don't we stop for the night?

EMMA BOVARY

It's lunch time. And no. I refuse to have sex with you until I have resolved this moral problem. Now talk. What can we do to fix your satanic and evil nature?

HE BEGINS TO MAKE AN OBVIOUSLY SLEAZY SUGGESTION.

EMMA BOVARY

No, I'm not interested in your lazy and ignorant narcissism right now. I want a change to happen. Corbyn style change. Real change. What's it going to be?

CHARLES BOVARY THINKS HARD. HE HAS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE. HE KNOWS THERE ARE MEN FAR MORE WORTHY OF EMMA BOVARY THAN HE AND IF SHE GOES ALL HIS WEALTH AND POWER MAY NOT BE AS ENJOYABLE. HE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE AND DOESN'T WANT TO RISK IT.

CHARLES BOVARY

Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we find you an orphaned Iraqi child, and do something nice for them.

EMMA BOVARY

That's just cheap and nasty. No. Not unless -

SHE HAS AN IDEA. CUT TO..

INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND A GROUP OF WHITE AND TOKEN RACISTS WHO BELIEVE IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS AS AN AXIOMATIC DOCUMENT ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR NEW FRIEND BORIS THE BARBARIAN.

BORIS THE BARBARIAN

So I said: "but you're a bloody scotsman so why don't you sod off!"

APPLAUSE FROM QUACKQUACK AND HIS COURTIERS.

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Let's sing a hymn now. Hymn number 90210, all things on my credit card.

THEY SING.

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Amen. So, Boris. Tell me more. Godot is back and on the loose again, you say. This is troublesome. I don't remember how it ended last time.

[ONE OF HIS AIDES EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT THEY ALL DIED AND GODOT TURNED OUT TO BE A MYSTICAL FORCE BEYOND THEIR COMPREHENSION, PROBABLY EXISTING IN AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE AS DIMENSIONS BUT WHAT TO GODOT ARE MERELY STRANDS OF A DIFFERENT AND 'HIGHER' PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER.]

PRESIDET QUACKQUACK

What I want to know is whether Louis the Sixteenth and his hot wife can come down and hang with us while we figure out how to kill Godot.

CUT TO..

INT. CHARLES BOVARY'S SPORTS CAR.

EMMA BOVARY

So what do you say?

CHARLES BOVARY

I don't even know Mel Brooks.

EMMA BOVARY

Rubbish. You can get hold of anyone you want. You are one of the most evil and powerful men alive today. There's almost nobody you can't unearth with a few threats to someone who owes you, or a bit of leaning on someone who's scared of you. Mel Brooks or divorce.

CHARLES BOVARY

Why Mel Brooks?

EMMA BOVARY

Introducing an Iraqi child who has been robbed of her entire family by worthless racist western scumbags to Mel Brooks can give that child back some kind of faith in humanity, some sort of understanding that even in the west, low and depraved though it is, there are great people who loathe those who behave the way she has been led by our actions and inactions to believe we are all taught to live.

CHARLES BOVARY

Alright alright, I don't need a lecture. I will get Mel Brooks. Now can we check into a hotel?

EMMA BOVARY

After I speak to Mel Brooks.

CHARLES BOVARY

Fine. Turn on the car phone will you, dear. I'd better call my secretary.

CUT TO..

EIGHTIES' AMERICAN TV DETECTIVE DRAMA SET. JIHADIS BEAT WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN, FROM ITALIANS TO JAMAICANS, GATHER TOGETHER IN GANGS AND KILL SECURITY GUARDS AND POLICEWOMEN TO PASS THE TIME. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS WALKING ALONG WITH A YOYO, LOOKING TO DEAL WITH WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE ANTI-WHITE VILLAINY, IN THE NAME OF PROVING THAT AUTHORITARIAN FORCE IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH NON WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS.

DEMPSEY

I really don't think the screenwriter has ever even seen a single episode of this show, it just had a famous name and he probably Googled it and was amazed at the sheer calumny it embodies, a typical boorish western establishment racist, classist, fascist demonisation of non white people, muslims, socialists, civilians (rather than police, security forces, armies and others with 'the right to kill baddies') and others. Very blatantly. He would never have watched such crap. Have you read the Waiting for Godot screenplay? This writer has some taste. Do me a favour. He doesn't even know which one of us is the American one and which is the English one.

MAKEPEACE

Well it doesn't matter, it's the same actor, isn't it?

DEMPSEY

Yes, I like that very much. I have a feeling the writer will merely write us as Richard Briers talking to himself, partly in an American accent, and will leave it up to us to decide which character, at any given time, has the American accent.

MAKEPEACE

I like that vey much.

DEMPSEY

Would you like some tea?

MAKEPEACE

Yes, I'd love some.

DEMPSEY (POURS TEA)

I think that Makepeace sounds like the English name, it has a sort of rustic bizarreness about it. Dempsey sounds much more American.

MAKEPEACE

I would say the opposite; makepeace has a weird american unorthodoxy about it, whilst dempsey sounds like some fellow down the King's road.

DEMPSEY

Nonsense.

MAKEPEACE

Look, what if we both use the same accent, or both use different american accents?

DEMPSEY

But that wouldn't be faithful to the text.

MAKEPEACE

What text? The screenwriter is parodying the people who even watch dempsey and makepeace, and its writers, and the issue of parodying the show itself doesn't even come up - the writer, as you say, has probably never even watched it - i mean what an appalling show it is, sowing racist stereotypes and blind obedience to violent authority in the minds of the young and impressionable?

DEMPSEY

you've got a good point there, makepeace, i say we both use my own normal English accent, a little bit Chiswick.

MAKEPEACE

No, i think I should do Boston and you should do Louisiana.

DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?

MAKEPEACE

That's it, that's it. You be Louisiana and i'll be Boston.

DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?

MAKEPEACE

Very humorous.

DEMPSEY

Oh give me a home where no liberals roam and the folks all think the same way, where each house has a gun, a big helluva one and strangers are told "make my day"..

CUT TO..

More to come before long, as the election unfurls. Do elections unfurl? Is Rachel Riley aware that Nelson Mandela considered Israel's support for Apartheid South Africa's White Supremacist government to be a racist endeavour - I mean how could he not? Apparently Rachel is unaware of that and of South Africa's position on Israel or Nelson Mandela's grandson's, or Desmond Tutu's, or indeed billions of humans' views on it (bit of a village idiot is our Rachel), given her absurd racist claims about the man.

Let's sing the neoliberal and right wing and Israeli theme song. All together now:

<<

(Intro)

Cause if you want the best ones and you don't ask questions then brother I'm you're man..

(Main)

We've got some half price cracked ice and miles and miles of carpet tiles..

No income tax, no VAT, no money back, no guarantee, black or white, rich or poor, we'll cut prices at a stroke. God bless hooky street, viva hooky street, LONG LIVE hooky street, c'est magnifique hooky street..

>>



https://twitter.com/RobScottPhotos/status/1198509772795834368
https://www.jpost.com/Israel-News/Mandelas-grandson-on-visit-Israel-is-the-worst-apartheid-regime-515397
https://www.haaretz.com/opinion/.premium-by-cutting-off-relations-south-africa-branded-israel-with-the-mark-of-cain-1.7137293
https://www.newstatesman.com/politics/uk/2018/09/no-nelson-mandela-did-not-snub-jeremy-corbyn
https://www.thecanary.co/opinion/2019/11/21/rachel-riley-revealed-her-true-self-with-her-racist-apartheid-joke/
Former Countdown number person, Brandreth, on Corbyn: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7lsRbDKOXg

https://twitter.com/hashtag/sackrachelriley (I put countdown 100% in the past of things I'd ever watch when Riley first started her hysterical attacks on Corbyn, but this new insult certainly makes me feel glad I don't watch television and I doubt I'll ever think about watching Channel Four. I presume they won't fire her over this even though she sides with those who try to hide genocide and Islamophobia by means of their numberwang-style use of the word 'anti-semitism').