Home   |         NEW: (hypothetically starring) VIC REEVES as LUKE SKYWALKER .. in "Waiting for Godot, the hollywood version".

Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn, alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yay he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land, let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him. Drive him back into his jungle lair for he is the harbinger of death.   Share:  
Thrust of argument: Hunting of the Snark / Godot 2 / Madam Bovary, the neoliberal version/remake



POTENTIALLY STARRING: BILL BAILEY as SPACE ALIEN, JEREMY CORBYN as SECOND SPACE ALIEN, BETTE MIDLER as IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL, CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD, JOANNA LUMLEY as EMMA BOVARY, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as AMERICAN SPY, VIC REEVES as LOUIS XVI, BOB MORTIMER as MARIE ANTOINETTE, EDWARD NORTON as WHITE NARRATOR, KERMIT THE FROG as HIMSELF, LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN, BERNIE THE AGENT as HIMSELF, JOHNNY VEGAS as MEL BROOKS, MEL BROOKS as KING TURNIP, TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK, ANTOINE DE CAUNES as CHARLES BOVARY, ENOCH POWELL AS BORIS THE BARBARIAN, RICHARD BRIERS as DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE, ANT AND DEC as ELVIS, DAVID LYNCH as JIMMINY GLICK, BERNIE SANDERS as BERNIE SANDERS, KIEFER SUTHERLAND as KIEFER SUTHERLAND, COLONEL POTTER as HIMSELF, CLINGER as HIMSELF, MATT LUCAS as E.T., CHRISTOPHER WALKEN as RONALD MACDONALD, DAVID HASSELHOFF as CAPTAIN PICARD, DAVID HASSELHOFF as BATMAN, NIGEL HAVERS as BUGSY MALONE, GENERAL ZOD as HIMSELF and DIANA RIGG as ANNE OF GREEN GABLES







EXT. RIVER BOAT. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS TRAVELLING BY BOAT THROUGH SOUTH ASIA AGAIN, ACCOMPANIED BY SOLDIERS.







CAPTAIN WILLARD

I didn't know why I was in this film. Everybody had died in the previous one. And besides, it wasn't parodying anything in particular, my being here was entirely random - arbitrary. But one thing was obvious. Godot was not dead. How could he be? He was probably the screenwriter. I updated my Facebook page to inform my fans that the reason so many white people become hysterically afraid at the sound of the phrase "Jeremy Corbyn" was because his fairness and accountability heralded the beginning of the end of white entitlement and white racial preference. Rachel Riley blocked me. The first like I got came from Madam Bovary. I knew this was not by chance but by the screenwriter's design. So Beckett was going to rewrite Flaubert now. I thanked my lucky stars he had chosen Bovary and not the legend of St Julian the Hospitaller.



RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir! We've reached Guam now.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Guam. Always Guam. Was it because it had one of those names which sounds good on film? Probably. Even Godot was a sucker for vanity. I knew that the answer to my problems lay there. Somehow I could exploit Godot's vanity and stop him before the no doubt horrifying tale of Madam Bovary were to unfold in its entirety. Being Charlie Sheen, I decided the best thing I could do to save Bovary would be to give her a good seeing to (consenting, of course - I'm not one of THOSE American soldiers, I'm the one who deals with THOSE American soldiers).



RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir, I don't understand. Would you like me to kill someone?



CAPTAIN WILLARD (TO SOLDIER)

No no, I was just talking to the audience. I'm the narrator. It pays well.





CUT TO..







INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT.



WHITE NARRATOR

People always ask me if I know Jeremy Corbyn. Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero. Do you have a speech for the occasion?



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film Norton.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him again)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film, whoever you are. So keep your Stanislavskian crap to yourself. This film is not about white saviours.





CUT TO.. INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON WHERE LOUIS XVI HAS, HAVING BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A MAD ISRAELI SCIENTIST, A SECRET BASE, WHERE HE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE LIVING, PREPARING FOR A NEW FEUDAL AGE THEY INTEND TO BRING ABOUT THROUGH A CUNNING PLAN.





LOUIS XVI

Listen love, soon you will be able to eat all the organic cake products your heart desires, for I have a plan now, I know how I am going to regain control of France and in fact the world, thanks to our Israeli friends.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Israel? Surely you must not take control of Israel or that would be ungrateful. They have killed and nobbled so many people on your behalf, indeed it was their ethics-free scientists who brought you back to life with their lovely Day-of-the-zombie Weinstein 5000 machine!



LOUIS XVI

No love, I will not take over Israel, just the rest of the world. Don't you want to hear my plan?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm sure it's a lovely plan. I want to hear more about those cakes. Will they have chocolate icing? I love chocolate icing. Particularly if it is flecked with little pieces of white chocolate, with vanilla which has come from some location marketing companies know everyone will put their faith in.



LOUIS XVI

Listen, I'm the King. You're just the Queen. Now shut up and listen to my plan. It's a great one. You should love it. It's a feminist plan.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Oh I do love your feminist plans. I enjoyed your feminist revival of Thatcher. The slogan "women have a right to exploit and kill and be labelled heroes" was a masterpiece. Imagine if only men were allowed to receive praise for things like genocide. Since we were granted this privilege we are truly a more well treated gender. What's the new plan?



LOUIS XVI

In a word, Bovary. Emma Bovary. I'm going to get her to carry out a feminist revolution in which the planet is renamed Vagina World and I will be its King.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Surely such a world would need a Queen?



LOUIS XVI

Get with the times, love. Take a look at the Guardian, the head of western feminist thought management - it promotes control of the world by a few extremely powerful men and their wives. Same as you and me. We're proper feminists.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

That's brilliant then, Vic. I mean Louis. What are you waiting for? Get hold of Emma Bovary and start your 'revolution'. I'm just going down the shops. We've run out of Battenbergs again. I know you love em with your tea.



LOUIS XVI

I like my Battenbergs.





CUT TO..



INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT. WHITE NARRATOR, MAN WITH GUN AND BALDRICK ARE PLAYING CLUEDO.



BALDRICK

I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the drone warfare centre, with the computer keyboard.



WHITE NARRATOR

You know, man with gun, I really don't think this kind of contest is macho enough. We need to be bare fisted, rolling around on the ground and sweating.



MAN WITH GUN

My dear Norton, this is not a porn film. This is an existential study of the failings of the latterday bourgeoisie.



WHITE NARRATOR

So was fight club.



MAN WITH GUN

No it wasn't. It was a mindless sexist macho sensationalist bunch of shit with a seemingly 'clever twist' at the end. Just another American male far up himself, revelling in his own sophistry, calling that sophistry dissent.



WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, but it paid well. I'm not even getting paid for this.



MAN WITH GUN

That's because this film isn't real. Nothing is real. We are figments of the imagination of some sort of plant.



BALDRICK

I thought it was King Turnip who was responsible for all this, my lord. After all, in the last film you killed me and now I'm here again. Surely only King Turnip with his magic powers could bring me back to life. And besides, you must have killed the plant in the last film, so it can't be the plant dreaming, can it?



MAN WITH GUN

It's very simple, Baldrick, I killed the wrong plant. I killed a cactus which the plant dreamt it was - ie it dreamt it was dreaming - it imagined itself to be a cactus. In reality it is some other plant. Probably in a pot, on a windowsill. We're going to have to hunt it down again.



WHITE NARRATOR

Yeah, well I think it was Miss Scarlett in the propaganda production facility at Guardian Newspaper Headquarters, with the racist neoliberal bilge intended to drive blind support for racist genocidal interventionist politics, accidentally causing far right numbers to swell so high that it turns into a Brexit and blows up in her face.



CUT TO..



INT. HOME OF CHARLES BOVARY. DULL CEO BY DAY. SECRET GAY NIGHT CLUB OWNER BY NIGHT. WHILE CHARLES OSTENTATIOUSLY ADDS NEW ACQUISITIONS TO HIS STAMP COLLECTION, HIS WIFE IS UPSTAIRS IN HER BEDROOM, ON THE PHONE TO HER LATEST LOVER, AMERICAN SPY, A SENIOR MARKETING EXECUTIVE AT THE CHARITY CORPORATION OF AMERICA, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER ALSO AN ISRAELI SPY WHO HAS BEEN RECRUITED TO TRICK HER INTO CONVERTING HER PENT-UP RAGE, BORN OUT OF THE FUTILITY AND BANALITY OF HER SITUATION AND THE WORLD SHE LIVES IN, INTO CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ON A SCALE NEVER WITNESSED BY THE HUMAN RACE BEFORE.





AMERICAN SPY

I'm tired of the world of marketing and charity. I've rolled out my last rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushion in the name of gay consumer rights, I want to do more for the world. More than I've already done, absurd though that may seem. Let us make this film about you and me, Emma. Let me raise you to the highest heights - and help you overpower the world. You can revolutionise the way humans think - and live happily ever after.



EMMA BOVARY

But the book doesn't end that way. Flaubert was taking the piss out of us, not holding us up as Roman or Greek heroes to worship. This film is a farce and if you really think you can change that, you're stupider than I thought. But that's okay, sweetheart. I like you for your body not your mind.



AMERICAN SPY

Well we'll rewrite it. That's the modern way. Take anything humans have ever done, good or bad, and remake it in an arbitrary way which suits our immediate commercial needs.



EMMA BOVARY

What sort of revolution?



AMERICAN SPY

The Vagina revolution. We will change this planet's name to Vagina World.



EMMA BOVARY

The whole planet?



AMERICAN SPY

Well except Israel, of course.



EMMA BOVARY

How exactly can we start a revolution?



AMERICAN SPY

You are Emma Bovary. You have a lot of popularity among middle class hyperconsumers across the world, you are a cultural artefact, one of those things western humans and their serfs in many grovelling conquered outposts are most proud of is historical artefacts with famous names. They tend to know, on average, next to nothing about the aforesaid artefacts but are nonetheless able to, in their own minds, assign to them some sort of generative property - which all by itself yields intellectual culture and progress in any individual who is even sitting in the pub nearby having a pint of lard and some pork scratchings.



EMMA BOVARY

So it's my marketing power, really, which you think we can capitalise on. I'm not sure I like that, but I am very bored, so tell me more.



AMERICAN SPY

Well, first we're going to do a charity run.







EXT. SWAMP, DAY. KERMIT THE FROG IS PLAYING HIS BANJO AND SINGING, NEARBY BERNIE THE AGENT IS BOATING.





KERMIT

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong wait and see. Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and -



[GUN-SHOT RINGS OUT AND KERMIT'S HEAD IS BLOWN OFF HIS SHOULDERS.]



MAN WITH GUN

Sorry Kermit, this film isn't about you or about making millions of people happy. This is a sick farce about the meltdown of human society. This is about the real world.



BERNIE THE AGENT

Was that REALLY necessary?



MAN WITH GUN

Don't ask me, ask the screenwriter.



[SHOOTS BERNIE THE AGENT DEAD]





CUT TO..



INT. SPORTS CAR. EMMA BOVARY AND CHARLES BOVARY ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT THE IMMORAL NATURE OF CHARLES' JOB AS HEAD OF MARKETING FOR THE EXPLOITATION CORPORATION AND HIS LATEST PROJECT TO ROLL OUT FOURTEEN MILLION NOVELTY RAINBOW-COLOURED STYLISED-TURD-SHAPED CUSHIONS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIRTUE SIGNAL IN ORDER TO OPEN UP NEW MARKETS AND INCREASE PROFITS.



EMMA BOVARY

When I married you I thought you were a charismatic, strong-willed and free-minded individual, and glamorous and interesting. In reality all you really have is wealth and might. You are a snake oil salesman and from dawn to dusk all you do is exploit and harm, with a smile on your face and a dirty thought in your head.



CHARLES BOVARY

That is simply not true, I am a very kind man at heart, it is the world which is evil. Ask Nicholas Cage in that film about the virtues of genocide. Even the Times of Israel has, albeit very briefly, praised genocide. Look, there's a hotel. Why don't we stop for the night?



EMMA BOVARY

It's lunch time. And no. I refuse to have sex with you until I have resolved this moral problem. Now talk. What can we do to fix your satanic and evil nature?



HE BEGINS TO MAKE AN OBVIOUSLY SLEAZY SUGGESTION.



EMMA BOVARY

No, I'm not interested in your lazy and ignorant narcissism right now. I want a change to happen. Corbyn style change. Real change. What's it going to be?



CHARLES BOVARY THINKS HARD. HE HAS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE. HE KNOWS THERE ARE MEN FAR MORE WORTHY OF EMMA BOVARY THAN HE AND IF SHE GOES ALL HIS WEALTH AND POWER MAY NOT BE AS ENJOYABLE. HE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE AND DOESN'T WANT TO RISK IT.



CHARLES BOVARY

Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we find you an orphaned Iraqi child, and do something nice for them.



EMMA BOVARY

That's just cheap and nasty. No. Not unless -





SHE HAS AN IDEA. CUT TO..





INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND A GROUP OF WHITE AND TOKEN RACISTS WHO BELIEVE IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS AS AN AXIOMATIC DOCUMENT ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR NEW FRIEND BORIS THE BARBARIAN.



BORIS THE BARBARIAN

So I said: "but you're a bloody scotsman so why don't you sod off!"



APPLAUSE FROM QUACKQUACK AND HIS COURTIERS.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Let's sing a hymn now. Hymn number 90210, all things on my credit card.



THEY SING.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Amen. So, Boris. Tell me more. Godot is back and on the loose again, you say. This is troublesome. I don't remember how it ended last time.



[ONE OF HIS AIDES EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT THEY ALL DIED AND GODOT TURNED OUT TO BE A MYSTICAL FORCE BEYOND THEIR COMPREHENSION, PROBABLY EXISTING IN AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE AS DIMENSIONS BUT WHAT TO GODOT ARE MERELY STRANDS OF A DIFFERENT AND 'HIGHER' PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER.]



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

What I want to know is whether Louis the Sixteenth and his hot wife can come down and hang with us while we figure out how to kill Godot.



CUT TO..



INT. CHARLES BOVARY'S SPORTS CAR.



EMMA BOVARY

So what do you say?



CHARLES BOVARY

I don't even know Mel Brooks.



EMMA BOVARY

Rubbish. You can get hold of anyone you want. You are one of the most evil and powerful men alive today. There's almost nobody you can't unearth with a few threats to someone who owes you, or a bit of leaning on someone who's scared of you. Mel Brooks or divorce.



CHARLES BOVARY

Why Mel Brooks?



EMMA BOVARY

Introducing an Iraqi child who has been robbed of her entire family by worthless racist western scumbags to Mel Brooks can give that child back some kind of faith in humanity, some sort of understanding that even in the west, low and depraved though it is, there are great people who loathe those who behave the way she has been led by our actions and inactions to believe we are all taught to live.



CHARLES BOVARY

Alright alright, I don't need a lecture. I will get Mel Brooks. Now can we check into a hotel?



EMMA BOVARY

After I speak to Mel Brooks.



CHARLES BOVARY

Fine. Turn on the car phone will you, dear. I'd better call my secretary.





CUT TO..



EIGHTIES' AMERICAN TV DETECTIVE DRAMA SET. JIHADIS BEAT WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN, FROM ITALIANS TO JAMAICANS, GATHER TOGETHER IN GANGS AND KILL SECURITY GUARDS AND POLICEWOMEN TO PASS THE TIME. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS WALKING ALONG WITH A YOYO, LOOKING TO DEAL WITH WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE ANTI-WHITE VILLAINY, IN THE NAME OF PROVING THAT AUTHORITARIAN FORCE IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH NON WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS.





DEMPSEY

I really don't think the screenwriter has ever even seen a single episode of this show, it just had a famous name and he probably Googled it and was amazed at the sheer calumny it embodies, a typical boorish western establishment racist, classist, fascist demonisation of non white people, muslims, socialists, civilians (rather than police, security forces, armies and others with 'the right to kill baddies') and others. Very blatantly. He would never have watched such crap. Have you read the Waiting for Godot screenplay? This writer has some taste. Do me a favour. He doesn't even know which one of us is the American one and which is the English one.



MAKEPEACE

Well it doesn't matter, it's the same actor, isn't it?



DEMPSEY

Yes, I like that very much. I have a feeling the writer will merely write us as Richard Briers talking to himself, partly in an American accent, and will leave it up to us to decide which character, at any given time, has the American accent.



MAKEPEACE

I like that very much.



DEMPSEY

Would you like some tea?



MAKEPEACE

Yes, I'd love some.



DEMPSEY (POURS TEA)

I think that Makepeace sounds like the English name, it has a sort of rustic bizarreness about it. Dempsey sounds much more American.



MAKEPEACE

I would say the opposite; Makepeace has a weird American unorthodoxy about it, whilst Dempsey sounds like some fellow down the King's road.



DEMPSEY

Nonsense.



MAKEPEACE

Look, what if we both use the same accent, or both use different American accents?



DEMPSEY

But that wouldn't be faithful to the text.



MAKEPEACE

What text? The screenwriter is parodying the people who even watch Dempsey and Makepeace, and its writers, and the issue of parodying the show itself doesn't even come up - the writer, as you say, has probably never even watched it - I mean what an appalling show it is, sowing racist stereotypes and blind obedience to violent authority in the minds of the young and impressionable?



DEMPSEY

You've got a good point there, Makepeace, I say we both use my own normal English accent, a little bit Chiswick.



MAKEPEACE

No, I think I should do Boston and you should do Louisiana.



DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?



MAKEPEACE

That's it, that's it. You be Louisiana and I'll be Boston.



DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?



MAKEPEACE

Very humorous.



DEMPSEY

Oh give me a home where no liberals roam and the folks all think the same way, where each house has a gun, a big helluva one and strangers are told "make my day"..





CUT TO..





INT. GAY NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT. CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE SIPPING DRINKS IN A PRIVATE ROOM.



CHARLES BOVARY

Then she tells me she wants me to introduce Mel Brooks to an Iraqi orphan.



AMERICAN SPY (CAN'T CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER)

So where is she now?



CHARLES BOVARY

I left her with a "headache". Her desire to not have sex with me is definitely at an all time high.



AMERICAN SPY

So we have all night?



PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY ANSWERS IT.



AMERICAN SPY

Emma! What a surprise. I was just thinking about you.





CUT TO..



EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, ON THE PHONE TO AMERICAN SPY.



EMMA BOVARY

I've sent Charles to get hold of Mel Brooks for me, so we have all night if you want to meet me. You're almost as bad as he is. When's the last time we did anything but talk on the phone?



CUT TO..



CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY HAVE STARTED TO HAVE SEX.



AMERICAN SPY

Emma, darling, I hope you won't take this the wrong way but I have to take care of something before we can finish this conversation. Stay where you are. I will get to you as soon as I can, as fast as my feet can carry me. Don't move from where you are.



HE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND TELLS HIS GOOGLE VOICE-ACTIVATED THING TO PLAY THE BOLERO.



CUT TO..



EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, FEELING SAD AND DEJECTED, MARRIED TO A MAN WHO CHEATS ON HER, CHEATING ON HIM WITH A MAN WHO ALSO CHEATS ON HER, ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALISE THAT IT'S WITH HER OWN HUSBAND, DISILLUSIONED AT NEOLIBERAL AND RIGHT WING MODERN EARTH, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE NOTICES JIMMINY GLICK STARING AT HER FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR. HE IS NOT IN HER ROOM, ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT. JIMMINY GLICK IS EATING A CHAIR.



EMMA BOVARY

Aren't you David Lynch?



JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick. You're confused because Martin Short usually plays me. That's not important right now. What's important is the three strange men behind me.



HE WALKS AWAY AND SHE NOTICES MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE SITTING ON HER BED, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT, PLAYING POKER FOR THE SAME THREE OPENED PACKETS OF PRETZELS WHICH HAVE FEATURED IN ALL FILMS AND TV EVER, IN WHICH PEOPLE PLAYED POKER FOR PRETZELS OR WHILST EATING PRETZELS. MAN WITH GUN LOOKS UP AND SEES HER AND IS AS SHOCKED AS SHE IS.



CUT TO..



INT. HOTEL ROOM. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE PLAYING POKER FOR PRETZELS.



MAN WITH GUN

Look Baldrick, in the mirror. It's Emma Bovary. We shouldn't be sitting around wasting our time, we have a job to do.



HE WALKS OVER TO THE MIRROR.



MAN WITH GUN

Can you hear me Emma Bovary?



EMMA BOVARY

Who are you?



MAN WITH GUN (TO BALDRICK)

She can hear me.



MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Don't worry about who I am, I'm a friend. If you're Emma Bovary, sit tight, we've come to save you from Bourgeois Hell.



EMMA BOVARY

Finally, someone who understands. Who are you? WHERE are you?



MAN WITH GUN

Uh - not quite sure.



BALDRICK

I thought you said we're in the dream of a yucca plant.



MAN WITH GUN

It might be a fern Baldrick. Or anything. Probably a pot plant. You're being too specific. It could be any pot plant.



MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Do you have any pot plants nearby? Any unusual flora and fauna love?



EMMA BOVARY

So you're mad? So I'm caught between neoliberals, tories, entirely mindless advertising executives and a mad person?



MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not mad, I'm - look, wherever you are, you may be in danger. If there is a pot plant somewhere in your vicinity you must get away from it, or destroy it or something.



EMMA BOVARY

There's some daffodils in a vase.



MAN WITH GUN

No it would be a pot plant. If it's a vase you're okay.



BALDRICK

What about the fridge?



WHITE NARRATOR

I've checked, there's only beer.



EMMA BOVARY ALMOST JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN, SINCE WHITE NARRATOR IS NOW IN HER HOTEL ROOM.



EMMA BOVARY

Who the hell are you? Wait a minute. You're Edward Norton. Can I get your autograph, it's for, ahem, my daughter.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he's playing -



MAN WITH GUN PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND HE FALLS FLAT ON THE GROUND



EMMA BOVARY

What the hell?



MAN WITH GUN

It's alright, I think our meat-head friend there managed to break through some kind of spacetime barrier in to your part of the world we're trapped in which, you may want to take note right now, is the dream of a pot plant. No ordinary dream, a tormented dream beset with fear of apocalypse and the banality of evil.



EMMA BOVARY

Hence the choice of subject matter.



MAN WITH GUN

That's right. And we have to prevent the degeneration of this dream into the worst sort of meltdown imaginable. Last time we had to deal with nuclear and military meltdown. This time it's going to be worse, the author is clearly going to take it to a new level of horror, whatever that is.



EMMA BOVARY

I don't understand. Are we in a screenplay, as you imply with your mention of an author, or are we in the mind of a pot plant?



CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL AND INTO THE ROOM, WHERE IT GRINDS TO A HALT.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

We had this conversation already. I think it's a dream. We're all asleep and dreaming of being here, in this situation where someone is telling us that all of reality, even outside our dream, is a dream.



MAN WITH GUN

Not this time, Captain Willard. This is just the main dream, not a dream inside a dream.



BERNIE SANDERS ENTERS



BERNIE SANDERS

Hang on, hang on, if this is just the main dream, how did Willard get here, to urban Europe, from Guam, in that boat? Not just so fast, but how could the boat get into this room? Where is the water?



JIMMINY GLICK APPEARS AGAIN.



JIMMINY GLICK

I think I can explain that.



BERNIE SANDERS

You're David Lynch.



JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick, in the script. Let me explain -



THEY LEAVE, WITH GLICK EXPLAINING TO SANDERS WHAT HE FEELS MAY BE GOING ON IN THIS SCREENPLAY



EMMA BOVARY

Well that was odd.



BALDRICK

Forgive me for intruding, my lords and ladies, but I still think King Turnip may be behind all this and we would be well advised to get out of here and conceal ourselves from the Turnip Royal Guard, which will make us all into shrubberies, all of them forming, from an aerial view, a cleverly constructed agriculture-based image of infamous comedian and travel writer Michael Palin.



EMMA BOVARY

Again. Things are getting very odd.



MAN WITH GUN

You're telling me. We're doing another one, they told me. You're the main character, they told me. This time you, the non white anti-hero, save the rich white woman from horror and grief, and she's a real feminist too. And what do I find? First they force me to have Edward Norton shadowing my insanity at every move, to try and pretend that you can benefit from white privilege but also be against the white-privilege-centric establishment at the same time, Charlie Sheen is back, probably hoping to stick his unmentionables into anything which can wear underwear, temporarily of course, and now David Lynch and Bernie Sanders are trying to turn it into a party political broadcast.



EMMA BOVARY

I thought you said this was a dream.



MAN WITH GUN

I think it's a screenplay of a dream of a dream of a screenplay.



THE PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE VANISHES AGAIN EXCEPT EMMA BOVARY. SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE. AMERICAN SPY IS AT THE OTHER END.



AMERICAN SPY

Darling, I can't believe this is happening now, but I've just had an urgent call from Jimmy Carr asking me to help him figure out the best way for him to give charity to the bioweapons department of the Israeli military. I need to get hold of Deniro and talk to him, he remembers how I arranged that the last time. It's a lot of money. A LOT of foul mouth racist macho people spend their money on Jimmy Carr's professional imperial juvenility. You're going to have to manage without me this time.



EMMA BOVARY

But -



AMERICAN SPY

Sorry I have to go now. I'll call you the moment I've finished my work.



HE HANGS UP AND GOES BACK TO ROGERING CHARLES BOVARY.



EMMA BOVARY (TO HERSELF)

Why did he say professional imperial juvenility - a man as ignorant as him sees that as high satire, as attacks on the corrupt - whilst anyone of intelligence couldn't possibly compare Jimmy Carr's puerile machismo to the anti-establishment wit of Jonathan Swift, or even Vic Reeves on a good day, that's not the sort of thing these backward lovers of mine usually see as being the case. I don't understand. Something odd really is going on. Was I dreaming all those strange people?



MAN WITH GUN REAPPEARS, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR. THE OTHER TWO ARE NOT THERE, NOR IS WILLARD OR HIS BOAT.



MAN WITH GUN

No I don't think so. And I think the reason he spoke out of character is to do with Godot.



EMMA BOVARY

But Waiting for Godot was written a long time after Flaubert and has apparently nothing to do with Madam Bovary. What has Godot got to do with it?



MAN WITH GUN

I'm afraid this is the second film. You didn't see the first one. It was insane. Nukes flying. Fat dumb American presidents running around the world while the author played fast and loose with eighties stereotype-laden comedy and drama characters. Didn't end well. Tony Blair almost became involved. And even though the writer cut him out before the very end, it was still pretty much the most grim ending possible.



EMMA BOVARY

And you think this time it'll be even worse?



MAN WITH GUN

Logically there's no alternative possibility we can deduce to be probable. Is there?



EMMA BOVARY

No, I suppose not. And you say that if we find the right pot plant and eliminate it the whole show is over and Dawn French will spring up and do her best rendition of "Here comes the bride".



MAN WITH GUN

Yes, I think that's a pretty apt metaphor.



EMMA BOVARY PUTS ON HER COAT AND HAT AND PICKS UP HER HANDBAG AND SHE AND MAN WITH GUN LEAVE HER HOTEL ROOM.



CUT TO..



INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON. LOUIS XVI AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE EATING BATTENBERGS AND DRINKING CUPS OF TEA.



LOUIS XVI

TONY, TONY, I JUST GOT A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I've told you before, Vic, you can't shorten Marie Antoinette to Tony.



LOUIS XVI

Why not? You called me Vic.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yes but that was a departure from the fiction, that was just a step into the world beyond the fiction, although under the circumstances it's hard to say in which direction the step moved. Anyway, it's not the same at all. You can call me Mary for short if you like.



LOUIS XVI

Alright Mary. So what should I do? Should I accept his friend request?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Why not Vic? He's a nice bloke. Has his own set of golf clubs and a proper barometer. We may need to borrow either. I think the president would be a useful friend even if he is a bit of a racist genocidal maniac who's obsessed with sex and is only a gender-egalitarian insofar as he treats everyone with equal contempt and equally as nothing but a means to an end, regardless of gender, although gender may impact the ends involved or desired. I say go for it. You added Henry Kissinger, didn't you? How can you really sink any lower?



LOUIS XVI

I could. I haven't replied to Alistair Campbell yet.



LOUIS XVI ACCEPTS PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK'S FRIEND REQUEST AND THEN GETS A PRIVATE MESSAGE IN WHICH THE PRESIDENT INVITES LOUIS XVI AND HIS HOT WIFE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM IN THE WAR ROOM IN WASHINGTON.



LOUIS XVI

Mary, Mary, the President wants to meet me and my hot wife.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You can't do that, Vic. You don't have a hot wife. Your wife is played by me and I'm hardly hot. I'm a man.



LOUIS XVI

Well if the president's gay then you might be hot.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Have you met the president? He's a proper village idiot dinosaur-man. Purely paleolithic. The fact that this screenplay is littered with gender shuffling and actors playing characters the wrong gender, interspersed with gay plots, would totally throw him. He's going to be pretty upset if you walk into the war room with a man dressed as a female french aristocrat.



LOUIS XVI

So what are we going to to Bob? I mean Tony. I mean Mary.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm thinking, Vic. I'm thinking.



MARIE ANTOINETTE THINKS.



CUT TO..



EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE MOST LIKELY CHARACTERISTICS OF HIS/HER SHOW.



DEMPSEY

So we know to begin with that there must be some sort of personality clash between the two police officers, there always is. In Due South you had the lazy one and the overzealous one. Generally speaking if you have two cops, the purpose of having two is that they argue with each other and take very different approaches, leading them to constantly bounce the plot in different directions.



MAKEPEACE

You're probably right but you're overlooking the most important characteristic - by essentially legitimising both proper, indeed over-zealous use of law and authority at the same time as improper, lazy or even purely delusionary methods, including abandoning things like the presumption of innocence, indeed due process, indeed civilised behaviour, the primary purpose of any cop show or similar is to remind civilians that authority-figures should, gladly, be given absolute power over all life which appears on their tv show.



DEMPSEY

You've got a point there, Makers old son.



MAKEPEACE

If you're doing the English accent then I have to be the woman don't I? I mean if you speak in an obviously English accent people will just assume you're Richard Briers and imagine you to be the male. So you can't call me old son.



DEMPSEY

Alright then, old girl.



MAKEPEACE

Personally I think the author's taking the whole sending up of the pantomime-like ostentatious exhibitionist nature of western 'gay rights' flag wavers, most of whom actually don't care about gay rights and aren't gay but need a whole armoury of virtue signals to use to cover their tracks as they plough on each day with genocide, ecocide and species-wide collective suicide, just a tiny bit too far.



DEMPSEY

How much is a tiny bit?



MAKEPEACE

Three or four hundred words. Not much in contrast to say a medium sized technical lecture by Chomsky.



DEMPSEY

But a lot longer than a tweet from the president of the USA.



MAKEPEACE

An advert for dog food would have more words than the average nugget of 'wisdom' from the Americans' infamous tweeting president. Words are not the president's strong point.



DEMPSEY

Does the president indeed have any strong points?



CUT TO..



EXT. GUAM. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS SOMEHOW BACK IN GUAM, STILL IN THE BOAT, WITH THE CREW, BUT NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF GUAM HIGH STREET, BY THE LOCAL TESCO OPPOSITE THE KRISPY KREME.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I had no idea what the hell was going on. I knew that the screenwriter was showing the audience that the president really did have a sort of 'strong' front end, which was me, but I wasn't sure if the author was, in fact, mocking me. Bouncing me around reality like a basketball, robbed of any self-determination or even rational reality in which my character might at least be able to build itself some humanlike narrative so as to be recognised as more than a mere punch and judy puppet.



MAN WITH GUN COMES OUT OF THE TESCO WITH A BAG CONTAINING ALL THE CHILLI PLANTS IN THAT PARTICULAR TESCO BRANCH, IE THE GUAM HIGH STREET BRANCH. HE WALKS OVER TO CAPTAIN WILLARD AND PLACES THE PLANTS IN FRONT OF WILLARD. HE THEN TAKES WILLARD'S GUN FROM WILLARD, AS THOUGH WILLARD'S MIND IS ENTIRELY AT HIS DISPOSAL, AND HE SHOOTS ALL OF THE PLANTS.



MAN WITH GUN

Nope. We're still here.



BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR APPEAR ALSO, COMING FROM KRISPY KREME.



BALDRICK

Do you think there's a subtle joke about racial profiling hidden in this scene, my lord?



MAN WITH GUN

Very possibly, Baldrick.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I know you, you're Godot.



MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not, I'm Man with Gun, can't you read. Look, it's right there.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

My mistake, sorry. Should we all just go somewhere, play some poker, eat some chilli, drink a few beers, that sort of thing? I mean we don't have to play it the way the screenwriter wants us to. We can outwit him.



EMMA BOVARY APPEARS ALSO, FROM TESCO, WITH A FULL TROLLEY LADEN WITH GLUTEO-LIPID MAXIMISATION RESOURCES.



EMMA BOVARY

Or her, captain.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Madam Bovary!



EMMA BOVARY

Captain Willard.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I have a bedroom on the boat. We can move straight on to the part of the film which you're here primarily to cater to, assuming this is standard western 'art'.



EMMA BOVARY

That's quite an assumption, captain. I'm afraid you Americans overlook that little devilish thing called the details, when you cast yourselves and figure out your plot points and mid points and what nots.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I don't follow.



EMMA BOVARY

Oh but you do. You are nothing but a sheep. You tart yourself up like a cheap heterosexual male whore. And you think all I need is a good seeing to when the one thing I need least is more sex or the ego of another penis-with-man-attached.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

You're very harsh. I don't understand. I'm the hero. I'm here to save you. Or why would I be played by Charlie Sheen?



EMMA BOVARY

My friend Man with Gun here has explained to me the fact that in the first film you thought you were there to save the world from Godot when in reality it was up to Godot to save the world from you and everyone else in the film. In this film clearly most of the same characteristics are true - you, in short - are no force for good. No matter what you seem, all you really are is an engine powering the motion of this film towards a bad, a very bad, filthy, dirty ending. Why else cast YOU? And indeed me.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I see your point. But what about him? Why do you think he's the good guy? Everywhere he goes everything melts into chaos. And he's a maniac. He keeps shooting plants. Ever since I first met him he's been doing it. Just out of the blue. This time he bought them. The man bought seventeen chilli plants for putting on your windowsill, he took my assault rifle and he blew them away. Is this a man you feel can guide you through these troubled times to a stable future?



EMMA BOVARY

I don't expect you to understand that, but do understand this: he's the only man in the screenplay who doesn't try to have sex with me whilst also not being gay. THAT is why I trust him and not you. For him this film is about something else, it's not a porn film as it is for you and Tyler Durden over there. For him this film is nothing more than a continuation across the spacetime continuum of the nightmarish vision behind works like Flaubert's Madam Bovary, and so much more, from Gilliam's Brazil and Ionesco's Rhinoceros to the words and works, long gone, of the nameless poets of the distant past who surely first lit this fire which has burned so brightly over the ages and in the faces of so many fascist tyrants, saying to each and every one: you can bully them, mother fucker, but YOU CANNOT BULLY ME. What I have written I have written.



CUT TO..



INT. HOTEL ROOM WHERE CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE CONTINUING TO HAVE GAY SEX LONG INTO THE NIGHT. THEY TAKE A BREAK TO WATCH THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST AND TO PLAY RUGBY. AFTER RUCKING AND MAULING AND SINGING ABBA SONGS AND SUCH THEY TAKE A FURTHER BREAK TO GO TO THE GYM AND THEN AFTER MORE GAY SEX DECIDE TO HAVE MORE CONVERSATION, SINCE THEY'RE BOTH SO GOOD WITH WORDS AND IT SEEMS A SHAME NOT TO.



CHARLES BOVARY

So do you know where I can find Mel Brooks?



AMERICAN SPY

Didn't I tell you? I spoke to someone at the Israeli embassy and they found us a Mel Brooks already. He's waiting for us in the lobby.



CHARLES BOVARY

A Mel Brooks? So not the actual one?



AMERICAN SPY

Well, when there is such an oversupply of celebrities and actors in the west, who needs the real thing? There's always a dozen copies and duplicates and potential posers or imposters for any celebrity worth a few bucks.



CHARLES BOVARY

I don't know. My wife is quite intelligent. I know you wouldn't expect it of me, but there it is. My one mistake. I married a woman who considers her mind to be more important than her vagina.



AMERICAN SPY

I suppose if you find someone like that what else can you do. It's got to be worth a lot of money, a one in a million like that.



CHARLES BOVARY

Particularly to a pair of randy gay men like ourselves, eh?



AMERICAN SPY CHUCKLES



AMERICAN SPY

Do you think she's gone to sleep by now?



CHARLES BOVARY

Indubitably. Dreaming of enabling children to live natural and calm lives or some other insane far-left fantasy. She hangs around with too many of these anti-semitic anti-genocide people who don't realise that unless we kill all the people we say we're going to kill, they may try to kill us first. We have to deter them.



AMERICAN SPY

Indeed, genocide is the only deterrant. Hippies and far-left terrorists just don't understand. Their answer to everything is violence or just being annoying.



CHARLES BOVARY

They should be lined up against the wall and shot.



THE TWO TAKE THE LIFT DOWN TO THE LOBBY WHERE MEL BROOKS IS WAITING FOR THEM, EATING A KEBAB AND DRINKING BEER.



CHARLES BOVARY

But that's Johnny Vegas. She'll know. She's not stupid.



AMERICAN SPY

Yes but she'll have to play along, it's part of the fiction. She can't very well argue against actors playing characters in this film. What does she expect? Some sort of Pirandello-meets-Douglas-Adams type of thing? Before you know it we'll be back to Richard Briers talking to himself which, even if it is entertaining, does distract us completely from the key nodes of the plot of this film.



CHARLES BOVARY

All the gay sex has caused me to forget what they are. Please refresh my memory. What is actually going on in this film other than gay sex, dubiously portrayed through gender-mismatched actors such that the heterosexual relationships are actually gay and the gay relationships are actually heterosexual.



AMERICAN SPY

If you recall we decided to use your wife to kick start a fake revolution which will result in the empowerment of a global monarch operating as the puppet of the new Israeli government.



CHARLES BOVARY

Oh yes, the Israelis. All that killing and genocide and torture. Come on, let's go back upstairs.



MEL BROOKS

Don't you want to hear my act?



AMERICAN SPY

It's okay, you're part of an insignificant side-plot. Do it how you like.

(HE GIVES MEL BROOKS A PILE OF CASH)

Go and get yourself a drink, just be back here at lunchtime.



MEL BROOKS

(LOOKS AT THE WAD OF CASH)

Maybe I'll get myself a bar.



AMERICAN SPY

Just get back here at lunchtime, that's all. We need you to talk to some Iraqi kid.



CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY GO BACK UPSTAIRS AND CONTINUE TO HAVE GAY SEX UNTIL THE AUDIENCE NO LONGER FINDS IT NOVEL AND INTERESTING AND FINDS SOME OTHER NICHE BEHAVIOUR TO CHAMPION AS THE EVIDENCE OF THEIR ADVANCEMENT.



CUT TO..



INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Dan Hodges?



LOUIS XVI

Surely he's a man too?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Don't make me laugh. He boasts about making entire groups of people froth and foam at the mouth in anger, as he did when Corbyn lost the election to Johnson. Even though right after he had been promoting making people froth and foam at the mouth to 'celebrate' the killing of 'jihadi john', some people frothed and foamed so much they massacred the writers of Charlie Hebdo - days after Mr 'make them froth and foam at the mouth' had been proudly advocating justice by summary execution on twitter.



LOUIS XVI

So that makes him a child, not a woman. This film is lampooning fake feminists, not women Bob. You need someone who can look sexy. Dan Hodges won't do. His cowardice is irrelevant, he looks like an ape. President Quackquack will not fancy him. You need a better idea. What about Winona Ryder?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

He'd snap her like a twig. You need someone more Viking.



AMERICAN SPY SUDDENLY REVEALS HIMSELF FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.



AMERICAN SPY

What you need, if you'll forgive my listening in on you and treating you as fair game -



LOUIS XVI

You work for the Israeli State and the American military, do you think we would ascribe any other ethical modality to you?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You tell him Vic. I'm sick of his smart arse ideas. They always go wrong.



AMERICAN SPY

Hear me out. I have the ideal woman for you to use. Emma Bovary. I'm her agent.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Is she doing gigs still? I thought she'd retired after that standup night in Merseyside she did went really wrong and she was chased away by a mob of female dockyard workers.



LOUIS XVI

I like this idea very much. I'm going to buy myself a new crown and sceptre and a new suit from Giorgi Armani, and some after shave.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

But you don't shave, Vic. You're just tarting yourself up so you can have sweaty sex with Emma Bovary by seducing her with a combination of your northern charm and your dashing metropolitan dress sense.



AMERICAN SPY

So it's all set, then?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yeah, I think Vic's up for it. I mean Louis.



AMERICAN SPY

I'll be back with her in 24 hours. Then we can fly you to Washington and have some fun. In the meantime I'll leave Kiefer Sutherland with you to shoot some extra footage to edit in later.



AMERICAN SPY LEAVES. KIEFER SUTHERLAND SITS DOWN ON A HIGH CHAIR AND BEGINS TO EAT A RUSK.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Excuse me, but what the Turkey Dinner Marketing Campaign are you supposed to be doing here? This scene ends in a few lines so I don't know what you're going to do for 24 hours, while we wait for our next shoot.



LOUIS XVI

Yeah, I can't hang about here with Kiefer Sutherland for 24 hours. A man needs to eat and sleep.



KIEFER SUTHERLAND

I think the idea is that footage of me spending the next 24 hours with you, minute by minute, will be run in diptych next to the main film. Surely that's right up your street, true parody. I mean "24" was awful, such horrible propaganda fuelling xenophobia and division and glorifying and justifying violence and barbarism.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Ordinarily I'd like to stay and agree with you but we're going off set now and then we'll just be ourselves.



LOUIS XVI

Bob will go and break a few apples in half with his thumb and I will paint a picture of a member of the British Royal Family looking like a miner.



KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Fair enough, I can't fault you there. My dad was really good in MASH, the film. Anyway, we may as well let Richard Briers have a scene now, we can always just leave the camera in the fridge and film whatever's inside it for the rest of the 24 hours.





CUT TO..





EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. BATMAN HAS JUST RESCUED AN ARMED ISRAELI FROM A PALESTINIAN BABY IN A PRAM AND IS JUST EATING THE BABY, HAVING FRIED IT UP, WITH PEPPERCORN SAUCE, LISTENING TO ZIGGY MARLEY TUNES WITH A MACHINE POWERED BY INTEL WHILST MORRISSEY GIVES HIM A BACK-RUB.



DEMPSEY

I say I say I say. What have we here?



MAKEPEACE

It's Batman, he's on our side.



BATMAN

Hello Dempsey and Makepeace. I liked you in that film Arthur. I thought you were shorter.



DEMPSEY

I think you have me confused with Dudley Moore.



BATMAN

Is he your twin brother?



DEMPSEY

Why don't you just go back to the Baywatch set and put on some lotion or something.



BATMAN

What about Knight Rider? I haven't always been obsessed with my body.



MAKEPEACE

And that's another thing. Why do you superheroes always dress up in the most flamboyant and seemingly homosexual clothes possible? I don't understand. Generation upon generation of satirist has lampooned you for it and you still do it. Nowadays in CGI and with a budget bigger than the annual food budget of a small third world nation or a big American or British city under corporate rule. Why do you do it? Are you oblivious to how stupid you look?



BATMAN

Oh come on, there's no need to punch so low. Do you think I enjoy being famous only because largely brainless young women fantasize about me or even more brainless young men to want women to fantasize about them and feel that copying me is the way to do it, presumably not a bad guess for people that stupid.



DEMPSEY

You're not trying to pretend that underneath that show tunes, baywatch, american authoritarian hide-in-the-shadows enforcer is a person capable of things like mutual aid, critical self-analysis and evolution? Really? You're having me on.



BATMAN

Look I just came here to help some Israelis, same as you.



MAKEPEACE

Don't imagine I'm here helping Israelis gladly. I promise you the very first chance I get to truly defy the part I've been cast in I will, and I will bring down the house.



BATMAN

Okay, but your mental breakdown aside, what I came to your set to tell you was that my associates are planning to kick off a major coup, using Emma Bovary as the pivot to the coup. I think you and I should get down to where the action is and make sure that we stand up for justice, white racial preference and the AngloZionist and Other White American way.



DEMPSEY

Well why didn't you say so? Thanks very much for the gold and frankincense. Don't worry so much about the myrrh next time. Let's go.





CUT TO.. A CLOUD FLOATING ABOVE TRAFALGAR SQUARE. MAN WITH GUN IS IN THE LOTUS POSITION. BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR AND EMMA BOVARY ARE PLAYING CANASTA.



EMMA BOVARY

So what you're saying is that if we find the plant and kill it the whole of this horrific ordeal involving sadistic men in suits, hyperconsumer morons, hypersexual hyperconsumer morons, sorry, will come to a dramatic end?



MAN WITH GUN

Not necessarily end. Certainly a stationary point of some sort.



EMMA BOVARY

Forgive me but I'm not a mathematician. What's a stationary point?



MAN WITH GUN

Well it's not an end, but it's a kind of pause, before something else happens, in this case something else terrible.



EMMA BOVARY

By which you mean -



MAN WITH GUN

It'll turn out that whatever we kill is just the dream of something dreaming it was the plant having the dream. Probably. If it went that way the first time why should it not continue in that vein until the author has exhausted all edges of this universe to test and has been through all those institutions and individuals she or he wants or needs to challenge, ridicule and humiliate.



EMMA BOVARY

So we could end up shooting the plant, ending the bourgeois farce, and then suddenly turn up in an entirely new film called Planet of the Sales Apes, or something.



BALDRICK

That, my lord and lady, is precisely the sort of thing the screenwriter would throw in if the next script were indeed going to be called that.



WHITE NARRATOR

But what the screenwriter also then get you, Baldrick, to bring this up, out of some sort of vanity, or an additional theatrical device? Or would she or he throw himself or herself against a wall using only their tie, because of the capacity to defy actual laws of physics.



MAN WITH GUN

In a dream there are no laws of physics, you forget Norton. Remember, this film is not about white saviours, it's about me, saving her, from a lot of idiots.



EMMA BOVARY

Well it's hardly saving me if we're all going to end up in the next film anyway.



MAN WITH GUN

Alright, temporarily relieving you of extreme stress and horror.



EMMA BOVARY'S PHONE RINGS. SUDDENLY THE CLOUD VANISHES AND THEY REAPPEAR IN HER HOTEL ROOM, IN THE MIRROR. SHE ANSWERS IT AND SPEAKS, BUT SHE IS STILL ONLY IN THE MIRROR.



CHARLES BOVARY

Emma darling, I have Mel Brooks with me. Meet me at Macdonald's on the Strand. The Charity Corporation is sending over an Iraqi orphan to meet us there for lunch.



EMMA BOVARY (REAPPEARS IN HOTEL ROOM BUT THE OTHER THREE REMAIN IN THE MIRROR)

You came through. I don't know what to say. I'll get dressed and see you there.



SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND LOOKS IN THE MIRROR WHERE THE THREE STRANGERS ARE, MAN WITH GUN STILL IN THE LOTUS POSITION.



MAN WITH GUN

It's not Mel Brooks, you know, it's Johnny Vegas pretending to be him.



EMMA BOVARY

I did read the cast list at the start you know.



MAN WITH GUN

Well that won't have told you about the Iraqi orphan.



EMMA BOVARY

What about the Iraqi orphan?



MAN WITH GUN

They vetted her, they went through fifty and found the one who could most successfully be trained to say "I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine."



CUT TO.. INT. MACDONALD'S. EMMA BOVARY STANDS TO GREET THE IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL PRESENTED TO HER.



IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL

I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine.



EMMA BOVARY

I'm very pleased to meet you. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine called Mel Brooks, he's very funny and I think he'll make you see that the Americans who told you they are your overlords are just fascist berks and that a good American is someone like my friend Mel.



MEL BROOKS

Pleased to meet ya, Iraqi orphan.



IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL

But you're Johnny Vegas. I've seen Blazing Saddles you know, and Shooting Stars. I do know difference. Anyway, it doesn't matter because I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine.



EMMA BOVARY

This isn't going the way I'd imagined.



CHARLES BOVARY

I did try to tell you, darling. These people are not like us. As Boris Johnson said, they are centuries behind us. Look at their attitude to anal sex, for example. Centuries behind us. And they don't drink. Can you believe they don't drink?



EMMA BOVARY

Sometimes I think you do this to me to actually make me not want to have sex with you so you can go off and have a romp with a gay lover or something. Honestly Charles, you are basically the worst man in the world to be married to. What the hell was Flaubert thinking, setting me up with you? What a cruel cruel piss-taker he was.



HER PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY SPEAKS.



AMERICAN SPY

Hello darling, I want to take you somewhere amazing. You'll have to pretend to be the Queen of France, though. Can you meet me in 10 minutes in Fleet Street?



EMMA BOVARY

Very easily. (TURNS TO CHARLES) Charles, you, the northern comedian and the house-trained Iraqi slave-girl can conclude this scene by yourselves. I'm going to do something I can regret and forget how much I hate the tedious and banal character of your pseudo-glamorous life.



SHE WALKS OUT.



CUT TO..



INT. CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK, WHITE NARRATOR, CAPTAIN WILLARD, RANDOM SOLDIER, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER, ARE PLAYING POKER, FOR CASH, WHILST EATING THE SAME PRETZELS ALWAYS FEATURED IN ALL TV AND FILM POKER GAMES.



MAN WITH GUN

What I'd like to know, gentlemen, is where the hell we are.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I thought you said we're in a dream, or a screenplay.



MAN WITH GUN

Don't get cocky with me, Captain. I'm the only one who ends up surviving, other than Madam Bovary, you must surely realise.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

How can the plot of a story be obvious only half way through?



COLONEL POTTER

How can it not be? The plot of every work of art is woven into the smallest part. You could tell just from the title what would happen. Instead of the Bourgeoisie continuing business as usual and the outlier vanishing into nonentity, the outlier survives and the entire Bourgeoisie turns out to be the insane dream of a possibly disturbed member of the plant species, put out of its misery by an angry black man from the north of England.



MAN WITH GUN

As I was saying, the reason I'd like to know where we are is because I'm losing time here. Somewhere either in our vicinity or eluding me entirely is a plant which needs to be killed so that we can escape the insane horror of this thread of possibilities, floating as they are, around the spacetime continuum or continuums.



BALDRICK

Are you certain, my lord, that King Turnip isn't at the heart of this untoward status quo?



CLINGER

Are you nuts?



MAN WITH GUN

That joke was far too predictable. Clearly we are getting ever closer to that moment where the screenwriter has compacted so many good threads together that the final horrific descent into the delta of this dark farce rolls down like a waterfall at the end of a seemingly calm river.



WHITE NARRATOR

They've got Emma Bovary and they are taking her to the War Room so that the American Agent can begin his dark games to take over the world on behalf of Israel and sell the King of France to an alien species for experimentation.



MAN WITH GUN

How do you know that? This film isn't about white saviours. Who gave YOU inside information on the unfolding of this narrative, boyscout?



LIFTS WHITE NARRATOR UP BY HIS BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD T-SHIRT AND HOLDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.



WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, okay, I admit it. It was King Turnip.



MAN WITH GUN THROWS WHITE NARRATOR TO THE GROUND.



MAN WITH GUN

Bollocks. There's no such person.



BALDRICK

See, I told you my lord. This is King Turnip's doing. King Turnip and the Knights of the Folding Plastic Garden Set.



WHITE NARRATOR

No, that's just insane. I'm talking about King Turnip, the powerful billionaire who owns Ronald MacDonald.



MAN WITH GUN

Rubbish. MacDonald's is owned by some guy called Clive or Andrew or something.



WHITE NARRATOR

Not MacDonald's, Ronald MacDonald, the burger-selling clown and Mafia Gangland Warlord.



MAN WITH GUN

Oh, I see.



LOOKS AT BALDRICK



MAN WITH GUN

Have you been feeding him the same juju beans you've been eating, Baldrick? Why is he saying the same crazy shit as you?



BALDRICK

Should we not, my lord, pay more attention to the Israeli scheme to take over the world?



MAN WITH GUN

Why, Baldrick? The problem has nothing to do with that. These are all just characters, in a fiction. The problem is the plant and the horrific dream it's having. The problem is it should wake up, not that any part of the dream is bad. It is the nature of this dream.



BALDRICK

Why is the cactus having so many bad dreams, my lord?



COLONEL POTTER

I was going to ask that.



MAN WITH GUN

If we are characters in the dream of some sort of plant or even vegetable, then how do WE know what the vegetable's been doing which caused the dream. Maybe the soil's eroded or something. I don't know. It's probably climate change related.



COLONEL POTTER

Excuse me Mr With Gun, but surely there's something important we're overlooking.



MAN WITH GUN

What would that be, Colonel?



COLONEL POTTER

They've got Emma Bovary and they are taking her to the War Room so that the American Agent can begin his dark games to take over the world on behalf of Israel and sell the King of France to an alien species for experimentation.



MAN WITH GUN

How do you know that? This film isn't about white saviours. Who gave YOU inside information on the unfolding of this narrative, boyscout?



LIFTS COLONEL POTTER UP BY HIS BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD T-SHIRT AND HOLDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.



COLONEL POTTER

Edward Norton just said so.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT.



CUT TO..



EXT. M4. LOUIS XVI AND EMMA BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE ON THE TRACTOR, HEADING TO HEATHROW AIRPORT. AMERICAN SPY IS FUMING. THE OTHER THREE ARE HAVING A LAUGH, PARTICULARLY EMMA BOVARY, WHO IS WELL CHEERED UP BY THE LUNACY OF LOUIS XVI.



AMERICAN SPY

Why do we have to use a tractor? For fuck's sake it'll take hours, we'll miss the plane.



LOUIS XVI

Look, I'm the King aren't I? And if you're serious about giving me control of all the world outside Israel then you'd let me travel by tractor. So unless you're just pretending that you're helping us, you'd better let me travel by tractor.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Tractors are the transport system of the Farm Kings, you know.



AMERICAN SPY

What the hell are you talking about? Why are you even here?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Don't worry I'll blend into the background.



SHOWS THEM HIS AMERICAN DISGUISE. IT IS A BIG BELLY AND A T-SHIRT STAINED WITH BEER, AND A HUGE BOX OF LARD, AND A TV REMOTE CONTROL.



AMERICAN SPY

Are you serious?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You haven't seen the finishing touch. Pulls a cowboy hat out of a carrier bag and puts it on.



AMERICAN SPY

You should have said.



AMERICAN SPY IS NO LONGER PERTURBED. THEY FINALLY REACH THE ENTRANCE TO HEATHROW AIRPORT. EMMA BOVARY DECIDES TO FOLLOW LOUIS' EXAMPLE AND STICK IT TO AMERICAN SPY WHILE SHE HAS THE CHANCE AND THE SCREENPLAY IS VEERING HER WAY, ON ITS WAY TO A CALAMITOUS ENDING.



EMMA BOVARY

Let's go via Gatwick instead.



LOUIS XVI

Brilliant idea!



SWINGS TRACTOR AROUND AND HEADS OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF GATWICK. MARIE ANTOINETTE TUCKS INTO A BATTENBERG. SMOKE STARTS TO POUR OUT OF AMERICAN SPY'S NOSTRILS AND HIS EYES TURN GUANTANAMO-ORANGE.





INT. WAR ROOM. GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL IS DEMONSTRATING VIA A SLIDE SHOW AN ARTIST'S IMPRESSION OF GODOT.FIRST SLIDE WE SEE SHOWS AN ORDINARY PERSON ABOUT TO SELECT ORGANIC PRODUCE IN A SLIGHTLY EXPENSIVE SUPERMARKET FAVOURED BY THE MIDDLE CLASSES.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

Here we see a potential terrorist about to make an extremist decision. See how he buys the organic produce and pays for it. This man is not buying organic produce by mistake or unknowingly - this is a calculated attempt to undermine the profit motive behind food and drink items whose purpose is not nutrition for the consumer but profit for the producer and is held in place by addiction on the consumer's part, as well as peer pressure. By refusing to participate in the perpetuation of capitalism the organic food product purchaser is purposely attempting to destroy the free market, no doubt in order to usher in communism. Such a vandal is, if not directly paid or controlled by Godot then at best controlled by an agent of Godot. Nuke such low-lifes on sight and then get yourself a big mac and a bucket of coca cola and never stop shopping. Do it on credit if you must, buy things you'll never need, if that's what it takes, but do it. Do not stop shopping, ever.



NEXT SLIDE SHOWS A STUDENT EATING AVOCADO ON SOURDOUGH TOAST, PURCHASED FROM THE SAME SUPERMARKET. THERE IS ALSO A SALAD ON THE SIDE.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

In this one the tell tale sign isn't just the use of avocado as a food, rather than something normal like processed diluted meat and preservatives, not even the presence of sourdough bread instead of the cheapest most glutenously dodgy bread item on the cheapo supermarket shelf. In fact what makes this terrorist stand out from others, what enables us to see this is an organiser, not just a low ranking terrorist, is the salad. Your low ranking terrorist may well eat avocado toast and waste all the world's money whilst sensible people are busy having a donut for breakfast, a cheap, profitable to corporations, heart disease causing, triple bypass causing donut. But your low ranking terrorist probably won't have time to constantly make fresh salads and eat them at all hours of the day. Less dangerous salad eaters, those who don't organise, merely participate, will eat a salad occasionally, whereas your class A terrorist will eat salads morning, noon and night, as though high fibre, vitamins and minerals are more important than fats, sugars and an oversupply of carbohydrates. Indeed as the gutter press has recently reported, due to celebrities who tell people not to be fat stupid bastards, there are anorexic people. Anorexic people would not exist if nobody had a good diet, but selfishly some people out there not only have good diets but try to encourage others to join in their terrorist activities and form terror groups in which all members eat either relatively healthy food and occasional salads or, indeed, full blown regular salad dishes and generally very healthy food. There are people who even drink water, instead of fizzy sugar drinks or hot caffeine drinks. You cannot take risks with people like this. A missile strike is the only way.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

This is boring. I thought we were going to have a stripper. Charlie Sheen's going to take care of Godot for us. All we have to do is eat burgers, drink a variety of alcoholic drinks and enjoy the company of strippers. You're letting Godot get to you.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

I'm sorry sir, I don't know what came over me.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL GETS HIMSELF A STRIPPER AND ENJOYS HIMSELF.





CUT TO..





EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT. LOUIS XVI, MARIE ANTOINETTE, AMERICAN SPY AND EMMA BOVARY ARE TRUNDLING TOWARDS A PRIVATE JET WHICH AMERICAN SPY HAS HAD TO ARRANGE FOR THEM. E.T. IS IN THE WAY OF THE TRACTOR AND LOUIS, WHO IS DRIVING, IS FORCED TO DO AN EMERGENCY STOP.



LOUIS XVI

What the hell are you doing E.T.? You could have been killed.



E.T.

E.T. Phone home.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You should have signed up for a contract with roaming calls, shouldn't you? You can't blame us if you didn't think things through when setting up your communication infrastructure before setting out to explore the galaxy.



E.T.

E.T. Phone home.



EMMA BOVARY

Oh come on, don't be mean. He just wants to use the phone. [GIVES E.T. HER MOBILE] Here, have mine. My husband is filthy rich and a total arsehole. Make as many calls as you like, he's paying.



E.T.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.



E.T. CALLS UP HIS UNCLE, BUGSY MALONE. PHONE RINGS. BUGSY ANSWERS



E.T.

Uncle Bugsy, I'm stranded in Boris Johnson's England, I need you to get me the fuck out of here. There are few places in the galaxy as hostile to me as this place.



CUT TO..



INT. GAY NIGHT CLUB. ACROSS THE TABLE FROM BUGSY MALONE ARE CHARLES BOVARY AND CAPTAIN PICARD.



BUGSY MALONE

Sorry E.T. I'm in a high level meeting right now. Have you thought about calling Bernie Sanders? He's definitely floating around this screenplay somewhere. He may be less hostile and aggressive towards outsiders than others in western politics. Get him to give you a lift to the war room in Washington. That's where the screenplay will end, I think. Or thereabouts. At least that's the impression I got.



CUT TO..



EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT (etc)



E.T.

Okay Uncle Bugsy. I'll do that.



HANGS UP. LOOKS AT EMMA BOVARY



E.T.

Apparently I should get a lift from Bernie Sanders to the war room in Washington.



EMMA BOVARY

That's where WE'RE going! Just come with us. [TO LOUIS XVI] We can give a lift to E.T. here can't we?



AMERICAN SPY

I absolutely forbid it



LOUIS XVI

You know what Bob.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Vic, I've told you, call me Mary.



LOUIS XVI

You know what, Mary, I don't think I'm going to bother with President Quackquack after all. I think we should go to Pakistan and have a few games of cricket with Imran Khan. E.T. can play in mid field.



E.T.

There's no mid field in cricket, even I know that. What planet are you from Vic, I mean Louis?



AMERICAN SPY

Alright alright, he can come with us to the war room. But I'll have to call ahead or they're liable to shoot him (and us) on sight. Walking around America in the company of an alien is extremely dangerous. Americans like to kill anything living they don't recognise and quite a lot of things they do recognise. It's part of our culture. If you can't endorse mindless violence you're not just unamerican you're anti-american and should be killed, that's the ethos we have always lived by.



THEY BOARD THE PRIVATE JET.



CUT TO..



INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK IS DOING A MAGIC TRICK FOR HIS FRIENDS AND AUDIENCES, IN WHICH THEY ALL PLACE THEIR VALUABLES INTO A SWAG BAG AND HE GIVES IT TO A SECURITY GUARD WHO LOCKS IT UP AND WILL CONFIRM WHEN ASKED THAT IT ALL NOW BELONGS TO PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK WHO IS THE BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK [BOWING]

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, for your time and your valuables.



PRESIDENTIAL AIDE [INTO HIS EAR]

Sir I think you're supposed to thank them for their valuable time, not take their valuables and thank them their time and their valuables.



[SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER. ANOTHER AIDE ARRIVES AND WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HIS EAR. HE SMILES]



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news. Louis XVI is going to join us and [HE GRINS, VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF FOR HIS BRILLIANT IDEA] he's bringing his hot wife! We all know what the Frenchies are like, eh?





CUT TO.. INT. GAY NIGHT CLUB. PICARD AND BUGSY MALONE ARE HAVING GAY SEX ON THE TABLE WHEN BATMAN AND DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE ENTER.



BUGSY MALONE

Blow me. How the hell did you do that?



PICARD

Do what, how's your father?



BUGSY MALONE

How did you manage to enter the nightclub as the same time as being inside it and buggering me?



PICARD

In-bred hollywood-style latterday-ealing-style casting. Obviously. One or two overpaid white men doing all the jobs except the ones required for tokens or female sex objects.



BATMAN

Alright, alright, can the gay banter. Serious shit is going down at the war room. We need to get into an SUV and head over there asap.



DEMPSEY

How did you do that?



MAKEPEACE

How did he do what?



DEMPSEY

How did Batman talk to Picard when both are being played by David Hasselhoff? And how, as Bugsy Malone pointed out, did Batman enter the night club whilst he was already inside entering Bugsy malone?



MAKEPEACE

That's a bit rich coming from you.



DEMPSEY

Don't you mean me?



MAKEPEACE

That's what I said, that's a bit rich coming from me.



BUGSY MALONE

Alright alright, enough of this schizo banter. What are you saying Batman? What's going on in the war room? Why the sudden need for four wheeled drive transport? Are we going to have to run over Iraqi children on the roads, the way Halliburton's drivers, I gather, used to do in Iraq when the Americans were trying to take that place over.



BATMAN

American spy, Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette have convinced Emma Bovary to head to the war room to initiate some kind of global feminist revolution which may make it impossible to differentiate heterosexual men from gay men, which would make life very hard for me. At the same time it would entrench further the spread of white entitlement and male domination, which would obviously benefit all of us greatly. I am conflicted.



PICARD

And me.



BUGSY MALONE

Conflict is good. It's healthy. Particularly nuclear conflict or class oppression. We should go to the war room and help them get it done. There will be malcontents, miscreants and theatrical devices initiated by Godot or Beckett or Flaubert to try and reverse the process. It's up to us to make sure that white entitlement survives this screenplay, at least into the next one and a few to come after.



PICARD

This is a screenplay?



BATMAN

Don't pretend you didn't know that. I'm Batman, you're Picard, we're both David Hasselhoff, how could it be anything but a screenplay?



DEMPSEY

On the contrary, if you read the previous screenplay you'll find that it may be a dream within a dream - OF a screenplay.



BUGSY MALONE

Rubbish. Nonsense. A dream screenplay would be about a couple of white men and their female sex object, usually white, sometimes a token, being white saviours - a magic negro would feature too, or some equivalent. The story would be simple - it'd glorify narcissism, gratification, maintaining the status quo, consumerism, militarism and nihilism.



PICARD

And what is the current screenplay doing?



CHARLES BOVARY ENTERS.



CHARLES BOVARY

Exactly that, my friends. Exactly that. Now let's have some more sex before we move onto the next scene.



BUGSY MALONE

We're not even in the next scene.



CHARLES BOVARY

Perfect, then no one will mind if we get on with having some sex.



THEY BEGIN TO HAVE MORE SEX. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE DECIDE TO STAND GUARD OUTSIDE THE NIGHTCLUB IN CASE GODOT SHOULD TURN UP AND ALSO BECAUSE HE'S NOT ACTUALLY GAY BUT DOESN'T WANT TO TELL THEM IN CASE THEY EXCLUDE HIM FOR NOT FITTING IN.





CUT TO.. CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT. THE BOAT APPEARS TO BE SAILING THROUGH DEEP SPACE. ANNE OF GREEN GABLES HAS JOINED THEM AND IS DOING A PERFORMANCE OF HAMLET, USING HAND PUPPETS, ALTHOUGH SHE HAS REWRITTEN IT COMPLETELY



ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler to go to the dance with Gilbert Blythe or to become a mounty and help Paul Gross combat the myth that survival of the fittest means predatorial behaviour, authoritarianism and people in uniforms thuggishly lording it over others.



MAN WITH GUN

This was not in the original Shakespeare.



EVERYONE ELSE

Sssssshhhh!



ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

There are more things in Gilbert Blythe's trousers than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Horatio.



MAN WITH GUN

I am not called Horatio. Nobody here is called Horatio. Who is this Canadian schizo talking to?



EVERYONE ELSE

Ssssssshhhh!



ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

Methinks I am a prophet, new inspired, and thus expiring do foretell of him. His rash fierce blaze of riot cannot last, for violent fires soon burn out themselves; small showers last long, but sudden storms are short; he tires betimes that spurs too fast betimes; with eager feeding food doth choke the feeder. Light vanity, insatiate cormorant, consuming means, soon preys upon Gilbert Blythe.



MAN WITH GUN [shoots Anne of Green Gables]

We don't have time for this. We have to put an end to the nightmare we are in before it puts an end to us.



WHITE NARRATOR

I can't believe you killed her, I wanted to bone her. I hadn't boned her yet.



MAN WITH GUN

You hyperconsumers are pretty sick. The woman was old enough to be your grandmother. She may even BE your grandmother.



COLONEL POTTER

If I may make a suggestion, I think we should head to the war room. I think it's all going to kick off there.



MAN WITH GUN

That's exactly what the screenwriter wants us to do. To throw us a curve ball, as you Americans say. It is my considered opinion that the war room is the last place we should go to find the delta of this story.



BALDRICK

But everyone else in this script with an important role is heading there.



MAN WITH GUN

I'm more interested in knowing where Kiefer Sutherland is. The Israelis are playing a dark game and I believe he is missing piece of the puzzle. Where was he seen last?



CLINGER

He was in the Israeli embassy, sir, trying to involve Reeves and Mortimer in some sort of home art movie.



MAN WITH GUN

Don't you mean Louis and Marie Antoinette?



CLINGER

Please, sir, the casting is unconvincing. I prefer to accept that it's Reeves and Mortimer, not members of the former French Aristocracy.



MAN WITH GUN

Well however you choose to perceive the northern comedians, the fact is that Sutherland didn't go with them to the war room, did he? I suspect he's still in the Israeli embassy. We have to go there too, to rule.



GENERAL ZOD

That's my line you south London upstart.



MAN WITH GUN [shoots General Zod dead]

I always wanted to shoot General Zod.



CUT TO..



CHARLES BOVARY'S PRIVATE JET. PICARD, BUGSY MALONE AND BATMAN ARE HAVING SEX WITH CHARLES BOVARY WHILST DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE PILOT THE JET. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE PLANE'S ANNOUNCEMENT THING.



DEMPSEY

This is your captain speaking.



MAKEPEACE

Both of them.



DEMPSEY

Yes, yes, alright. I'm not sure that joke really has the staying power the author is treating it as having. Still, we must press on.



MAKEPEACE

Will you or will I?



DEMPSEY

Go ahead.



MAKEPEACE

Gentlemen and gentlemen we are coming in to land in Washington DC now, please stop having sex and fasten your seatbelts.



LIGHT BUZZES INDICATING AN EMERGENCY AMONG THE PASSENGERS. DEMPSEY PUTS THE PLANE ON AUTOPILOT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE GO IN TO FIND OUT WHAT THE EMERGENCY IS.



CHARLES BOVARY

Is it okay if we continue to have sex if we do it with our seatbelts on?



MAKEPEACE

If that makes you happy.



DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE RETURN TO THE COCKPIT AND BEGIN LANDING THE PLANE.





CUT TO.. AMERICAN SPY'S PRIVATE JET. LOUIS XVI, MARIE ANTOINETTE, AMERICAN SPY AND EMMA BOVARY ARE PLAYING CANASTA WHILST E.T. PILOTS THE JET.



AMERICAN SPY

I cannot believe you forced me to let an unknown extra terrestrial pilot this plane and had my own pilot take a bus. You are sick in the head.



LOUIS XVI

I can just go home if you like and you can finish your scheme without me and my hot wife.



EMMA BOVARY

Yeah, as his hot wife I'll just go with him to Darlington or wherever he lives and make his chips and grill steak whilst he puts his feet up and watches the boxing.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

And I might go to the outskirts of London and break an apple in half with my thumb.



AMERICAN SPY

Okay okay I get the point. I have to do what you want so that you finish the job you've started and we can pull off my excellent plan. Okay. Fine. But I hate you. You're all sick in the head.



E.T.

Ladies and gentlemen we are coming in to land in Washington DC, please fasten your seatbelts unless you are the King of France in which case you may do an entire jig in the middle of the aisle whilst balancing a plate of cakes and a whole jug of vodka on your head by means of a very large hat built with a tray on top.



LOUIS BEGINS TO DO THE JIG WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED HAT ON HIS HEAD. EMMA BOVARY AND MARIE ANTOINETTE CLAP LIKE GUESTS AT A GREEK WEDDING OF SOME SORT. AMERICAN SPY TAKES SOME VALIUM.



CUT TO..



INT. CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT. IT HAS JUST PULLED INTO THE RIVERSIDE NEAR HAMMERSMITH BRIDGE. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK, WHITE NARRATOR, CAPTAIN WILLARD, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER AND RANDOM SOLDIER GET OUT OF THE BOAT AND WALK THROUGH HAMMERSMITH, VIA KING STREET, UP TO WHERE THEY CAN CATCH A NUMBER 10 BUS TO HIGH STREET KENSINGTON. JIMMINY GLICK AND BERNIE SANDERS HAVE OPENED A FALAFEL STAND AND ARE SELLING WRAPS TO PASSERS-BY.



BERNIE SANDERS

Get your hot fresh falafel wraps here.



JIMMINY GLICK [OPENING A SECOND STALL, SELLING A WIDE VARIETY OF PROCESSED SUGAR PRODUCTS, DAIRY PRODUCTS AND GLUTENOUS PRODUCTS]

Get your hot fresh falafel wraps and your processed sugar products and your dairy products and your gluten. Get it all here. Get your fill.



ELVIS APPROACHES THE STALL.



ELVIS

I'd like to buy a little bit of everything please.



JIMMINY GLICK FILLS A VERY LARGE BUCKET MOSTLY WITH PROCESSED SUGAR PRODUCTS, DAIRY PRODUCTS AND GLUTENOUS PRODUCTS AND PUTS SOME FALAFELS IN A WRAP AND STICKS IT ON TOP.



ELVIS

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.



[ELVIS POURS THE CONTENT OF THE BUCKET INTO HIS MOUTH AND CHOMPS IT DOWN LIKE POPEYE EATING ANIMATED SPINACH. SUDDENLY HE EXPLODES LIKE MR CREOSOTE]. RONALD MACDONALD ARRIVES WITH HIS HENCHMEN AND HAS THEM CLEAN UP THE MESS AND CART OFF THE EVIDENCE TO THE SET OF MAX HEADROOM.



BERNIE SANDERS

Hey, aren't you Christopher Walken?



RONALD MACDONALD

No I'm Ronald Macdonald. Fuck off.



RONALD MACDONALD LEAVES.



BERNIE SANDERS

Get your hot fresh falafel wraps here.



MAN WITH GUN AND HIS POSSE TURN UP AND BUY SOME FALAFEL WRAPS.



BERNIE SANDERS

Hey I thought you were supposed to be trying to save the world from President Quackquack or from the nightmare of an arbitrary plant or shrub. What are you doing here on High Street Kensington?





MAN WITH GUN

I'm afraid, Mr Sanders, you don't have the courage or integrity to handle the truth about where I'm going, which is to the Israeli embassy, which is the root of all the ills in this nightmare we are in.



BERNIE SANDERS

It's not that I don't know that, you know, it's just a question of pragmatism. There are enough problems in this nightmare to deal with already without bringing Israel and its unholy machine of assassinations, genocide, chemical, biological and radiological weaponry onto the table.



MAN WITH GUN

It's a bit late for that. The entire plot revolves around an Israeli plan for global domination.



BERNIE SANDERS

No it's about Charles Bovary and the military industrial complex and the horror experienced by his innocent wife, a leading feminist, Emma Bovary.



MAN WITH GUN

This is why you're not capable of being president even if they were to elect you, Bernard. Let me show you footage of what Israel has been up to, vis a vis Emma Bovary.



[He shows Bernie Sanders a video clip of earlier scenes from this film].



BERNIE SANDERS

Look I'm just an old man, there's nothing I can do myself, but if there's any way in which I can help YOU deal with Israel and its malevolence once and for all, just ask.



MAN WITH GUN

Fine. Give me your VIP entry pass allowing you passed the front door security of the Israeli embassy.



[BERNIE SANDERS HANDS OVER THE ENTRY PASS].





CUT TO..



INT. RONALD MACDONALD'S HEADQUARTERS. RONALD MACDONALD IS DEMONSTRATING TO HIS STAFF HOW TO HANDLE WORKER STRIKES DEMANDING THINGS LIKE STATUTORY SICK PAY. CLEANERS CART THE CORPSE OF THE SAMPLE WORKER BEING USED AS A DEMONSTRATION OFF TO AN AMERICAN AIR BASE NEARBY AND RONALD MACDONALD ORDERS A LARGE EXPENSIVE LUNCH TO BE BROUGHT TO HIM, PREPARED BY THE FINEST CHEFS IN THE WORLD. AS HE TUCKS IN HE ADDRESSES KING TURNIP, WHO IS DRINKING AN AMERICANO WITH OAT MILK.



RONALD MACDONALD

I'm tired of this film. I think we should just kill all these ass-holes.



KING TURNIP

What ass-holes?



RONALD MACDONALD

All of them. Every last motherfucking one of them. Starting with Tarantino. What a fucking violence-glorifying prick.



KING TURNIP

And you? You're not a violent character played by an actor known for violent films?



RONALD MACDONALD

Don't you understand my lord, this screenplay is being written by a dangerous and powerful anarchist, a writer with extreme levels of intellectual honesty doused in an ever present combination of scientific method and sheer existential comedic style.



KING TURNIP

Listen, I'm Mel Brooks and nobody tells me what to do. I'll have you know -



RONALD MACDONALD

My lord, in this film you are King Turnip. Mel Brooks is played by Johnny Vegas.



KING TURNIP

Really? Then you're right. They ARE ass-holes. Kill them all. How you gonna do it?



RONALD MACDONALD

First you have to stop Man with gun. He is going to rescue them all. True they will end up in an even worse film, pursued by the many-headed Coronavirus, but they'll still have a chance of survival. We could finish them off right here, before he can save them. Just give the order, my lord, and I will get it done.



KING TURNIP

Get it done. But I want to deal with Man with gun myself. It seems to me that he embodies a projection of the writer's own being into the script. I'd like to meet the force strong enough to match me, punch for punch, in the boxing ring of art.



RONALD MACDONALD

As you wish, sire. He is on his way to the Israeli embassy. There he will eliminate Kiefer Sutherland and close in on the plant which is having the dream we are all in. Once he kills that plant we'll all vanish again and start again from scratch, like Prometheus or some such greek legend, and hunting him down, indeed killing everyone, will become tricky again and we'll have to get through loads of pages of screenplay before we get another chance.



KING TURNIP

Enough. I detest excessive dimensional travel or discussion about it. I get the gist. I will go to the Israeli embassy and deal with this gun bearing man. You sort out the rest of the humans. Kill them artistically, that's all I ask. Make sure that if any life exists anywhere else and is looking on, it is thoroughly entertained by how you kill all the humans. I am Mel Brooks, I have to do it stylishly -



RONALD MACDONALD

Again, sir, you are in fact King Turnip in this screenplay.



KING TURNIP KILLS RONALD MACDONALD WITH A SHARPENED BIG MAC AND THEN REANIMATES HIM.



KING TURNIP

Don't make me kill you again. I am whoever I want to be. No screenwriter can put a label on me. I am the character I believe I am, and I simply don't believe King Turnip exists. And as for getting Johnny Vegas to play me - if that's where Hollywood has reached then it is time for me to bring its sordid lifespan to an end.



CUT TO..



INT. WAR ROOM. THE DOORS BURST OPEN AND AMERICAN SPY, BATMAN, CHARLES BOVARY, CAPTAIN PICARD AND BUGSY MALONE ALL ENTER FROM ONE SIDE, LOUIS XVI, EMMA BOVARY, MARIE ANTOINETTE, AMERICAN SPY AND E.T. ENTER FROM THE OTHER DOORS.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

What the fuck is going on? Oh wait, look, it's Louis XVI and his hot wife, and some guy dressed as a woman (shoot him). Oh shit look, it's Batman - I love Batman. And Bugsy Malone. You guys are great. I'm so glad you made it. Nobody reinforces my heterosexuality more than you do. Somebody bring them some prostitutes and a big mac.



THEY SETTLE IN. THE GAY HEROES START PRETENDING TO BE HETEROSEXUAL AND TUCK INTO THEIR PINK SLIME BURGERS. E.T. DOES A NOVELTY JIG FOR THEM AND THEY ALL CELEBRATE THEIR MULTICULTURAL VALUES TOGETHER.



E.T.

E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Is it a song?



EMMA BOVARY

No I think he wants to use your phone.



BATMAN OFFERS HIM A PHONE.



BATMAN

Here, E.T., use the bat phone.



E.T. phones up a pizza delivery place and orders a number of extra large deep pan pizzas with additional gluten and a double dose of dairy.



E.T.

Mmmm. Be scrumptious.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK (to LOUIS)

Listen Louis, I need to take sexual advantage of your hot wife for a moment. Perhaps you would like to play with my mock up nuclear war computer game while I'm doing that. Shouldn't take more than a few minutes.



LOUIS (WINKING AT AMERICAN SPY)

Okay President Quackquack, you can have sweaty sex with my wife and I'll just stay here and play computer games, shall I?



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK GRABS EMMA BOVARY BY THE ARSE AND DRAGS HER OFF WITH HIM TO WHERE HE USUALLY RAPES WOMEN.



EMMA BOVARY (to AMERICAN SPY)

Hang on, is this really part of the plan?



AMERICAN SPY

Just play along. The Iraqi orphans are depending on you.



A PRESIDENTIAL AIDE ENTERS AND WARNS THE PRESIDENT OF IMMINENT DANGER.



PRESIDENTIAL AIDE

Sir, while we were fucking around praising ourselves and seeking gratification, the screenwriter hoodwinked us. Man with gun is currently closing in on the Israeli embassy and has a special pass he borrowed from Bernie Sanders. Soon he will track down his quarry and end our orgy of joy and exceptionality. We must act fast.



AMERICAN SPY

I don't believe it. What a cunning trickster.



EMMA BOVARY

Maybe it's time you realise that you are merely a figment in someone's imagination, you are no greater than the rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushions you sell in the name of trying to equate anal sex with virtuous, utopian and noble behaviour. As though all a guy has to do to be noble is fuck another guy in the arse.



CHARLES BOVARY

Mmm. I can't take it any more.



[RIPS AMERICAN SPY'S CLOTHES OFF AND THEY BEGIN SHAGGING]



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Shoot them. And the one in the dress. Come on.



[ATTEMPTS TO KEEP ON HEADING TO HIS RAPE CORNER WITH EMMA BOVARY. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SUDDENLY ENTERS, HAVING HAD TO PARK THE CAR AND THUS ARRIVE AT THE WAR ROOM AFTER EVERYONE ELSE]



DEMPSEY

Unhand that french bourgeois anti-heroine now, Quackquack.



BATMAN

But Dempsey, you're one of us. You're supposed to believe in domination, authoritarianism, gratification, arseholery and unchecked at that. You're letting the team down. We are team white privilege, we are team genocide, we are team rape.



DEMPSEY [SHOOTS BATMAN DEAD]

Smile you son of a bitch.



PICARD

How could you do that? You killed me. You sick bastard.



MAKEPEACE

No he didn't, he killed Batman.



PICARD

But I'm the same actor. That was callous. I shall call the union. We actors are supposed to stick together. We're ALL paid big money to demonise outsiders and the vulnerable, to promote authoritarianism and violence and to shit on everyone from a dizzy height. If one of us breaks ranks, we ALL suffer. No moral compass is permitted among American actors.



DEMPSEY

But I'm British. I was in The Good Life - and even a particularly good episode of Doctor Who starring Sylvester Mcoy.



PICARD PULLS OUT A HIGH TECH STAR TREK WEAPON TO USE AGAINST DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE BUT AMERICAN SPY STOPS HIM AND ALSO STOPS PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK FROM RAPING EMMA BOVARY, ADVISING THE PRESIDENT TO PUT HIS CLOTHES BACK ON AND ALLOW EMMA BOVARY TO DO THE SAME.



AMERICAN SPY

This is no time for in-fighting, or rape. We are ALL in danger. If Man with gun reaches the kitchen of the Israeli embassy, we may all die and none of us will have any more lines. We may have to find other work in order to pay for things like food or shelter. Some of us could end up in office jobs.



THEY PILE INTO AMERICAN SPY'S LIMO AND SET OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS PRIVATE JET, SO THEY CAN ALL HEAD TO THE ISRAELI EMBASSY AND TAKE ON MAN WITH GUN AND HIS POSSE.



CUT TO.. INT. MOTHERSHIP OF E.T.'S RACE OF ALIENS. KIEFER SUTHERLAND IS ON THE DECK, WATCHING A SCREEN. ON IT IS A LIVE FEED FROM THE CAMERA INSIDE THE FRIDGE IN THE ISRAELI EMBASSY. THE FRIDGE DOOR OPENS. MAN WITH GUN PEERS INSIDE.





MAN WITH GUN

Where are you Kiefer Sutherland? I know you're around somewhere, and up to no good I imagine.



HE CLOSES THE FRIDGE DOOR.



CUT TO...



INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY. THE STAFF ARE ALL OUT TO LUNCH, EATING PALESTINIAN, SYRIAN, IRAQI AND LIBYAN BABIES SOMEWHERE, IN THE FORM OF PIES, CASSEROLES, EVEN RAW, SUSHI STYLE. MAN WITH GUN, CAPTAIN WILLARD, BALDRICK, WHITE NARRATOR, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER, E.T. AND RANDOM SOLDIER ARE LOOKING AROUND, TRYING TO FIND THE PLANT MAN WITH GUN NEEDS TO KILL.



MAN WITH GUN

Remember, people, it could be any form of vegetation at all. Stay frosty.



THEY (MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK, CAPTAIN WILLARD, WHITE NARRATOR, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER AND RANDOM SOLDIER) GATHER IN THE AMBASSADOR'S OFFICE TO TAKE STOCK.



COLONEL POTTER

This place gives me the booboo jeebees.



CLINGER

I'm going to wear a dress.



COLONEL POTTER

It makes sense. This film is ridiculing the gay-washing industry. A profusion of gay sexuality, transvestism and just general outwardly mobile sexual shenanigans adds to the strong emotive attack on the sneering homophobic racist sexist virtue-signalling pathological self-deluding humans who if they read this screenplay will be 'offended'. It's they, the author is showing, who can't stand the trappings of gay sex or promiscuity or sexual expression. They're the ones we catch and convict in the end. Isn't that right Harvey?



CLINGER

If you're talking to Harvey Weinstein, he can't hear you, sir, this is a screenplay he is seriously unlikely to read.



COLONEL POTTER

Maybe I was talking about him, maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was talking to the millions like him who try to pretend they're not.



MAN WITH GUN

Excuse me but this is my film, not a slow-moving dialogue on a lesser-watched MASH 4077 episode.



COLONEL POTTER

Sorry, sir. Please command us, that we may fight, in your name, and overthrow the enemy.



MAN WITH GUN

That's more like it. Baldrick, flipchart.



BALDRICK PRODUCES A FLIPCHART ON WHICH THERE IS A PLAN DRAWING OF THE ISRAELI EMBASSY WITH THEIR POSITION MARKED OUT CLEARLY.



MAN WITH GUN

We've checked the torture chamber, the ethnic cleansing planning office, we've checked the blackmailing lawmakers warehouse, we've looked inside the surveillance and weapon company proliferation department and we've found nothing. Moreover Keifer Sutherland has vanished without a trace but has left his camera in the fridge in the kitchen. Does anyone have any suggestions?



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Have we checked the bedrooms? I only ask because I'm really overdue for some gratuitous sexual gratification now. You don't put Charlie Sheen in a film and never have anyone fuck anyone. It's a complete waste.



WHITE NARRATOR

This is the Israeli Embassy. If decadence has a physical epicentre it is the entire civil structure of Israel. We are in orgyland. Just give it some time and the sex will come to us. All we have to do is wait.



BALDRICK

My lord, I have an idea about where the plant may be.



MAN WITH GUN

Speak Baldrick, guide us with your provincial simplicity.



BALDRICK

Well my lord I noticed on the plan that there is one place we didn't check.



MAN WITH GUN

Is it a place where we will find a spoon?



BALDRICK

Yes my lord.



MAN WITH GUN

That didn't work in the Life of Brian and it won't work for us either.



BALDRICK

But my lord, all I meant was that we didn't actually check the kitchen. Only for Kiefer Sutherland, not for the plant.



MAN WITH GUN

That's good thinking, Baldrick. I'm going to give you a side-kick in the next film, you've earned it. Maybe Bill Murray could play the part. Let's go.





THEY SET OFF FOR THE KITCHEN.



CUT TO..



INT. MOTHERSHIP OF E.T.'S RACE OF ALIENS. KIEFER SUTHERLAND IS ON THE DECK, WATCHING A SCREEN. ON IT IS A LIVE FEED FROM THE CAMERA INSIDE THE FRIDGE IN THE ISRAELI EMBASSY. THE FRIDGE DOOR OPENS. MAN WITH GUN PEERS INSIDE.



MAN WITH GUN

Okay Kiefer Sutherland, I know you're watching. Where are you? What's your plan?



KIEFER SUTHERLAND (TO HIS ALIEN ACCOMPLICE)

Little does he know that it was I who paid the Israelis to hand over the entire human race to me, including they themselves, but they are gullible bastards are they not?



SPACE ALIEN

As are you.



SPACE ALIEN KILLS KIEFER SUTHERLAND WITH A NAPKIN.



SPACE ALIEN

Now, my fellow space aliens, we can take over this planet and turn its life forms into our commercial slaves. We can sell rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushions all over the galaxy in the name of gay-rights-friendly huge profits and mansions and gated housing for us, and coronavirus for everyone else. Yeeeha. We still need to experiment on the King of France.



SECOND SPACE ALIEN

Why?



SPACE ALIEN

He's played by Vic Reeves. Isn't that reason enough?



CUT TO..



INT KITCHEN IN ISRAELI EMBASSY. MAN WITH GUN HAS RIPPED THE CAMERA OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND SHOT IT WITH HIS GUN. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.



MAN WITH GUN

It was just a thought. So much for your plan, Baldrick. There are no plants in this kitchen. The cupboards contain a few dried spices. Most of what they eat in this place is purchased from extremely expensive food preparation service providers.



BALDRICK LOOKS IN THE VEGETABLE DRAWER.



BALDRICK

My lord there is a turnip in the vegetable drawer.



MAN WITH GUN

Stand back Baldrick.



MAN WITH GUN TAKES THE TURNIP AND PLACES IT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. EVERYONE STANDS BEHIND HIM. HE PREPARES TO SHOOT IT. SUDDENLY THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND KING TURNIP ENTERS.



KING TURNIP

So, Man with gun, you dare to defy the symbol of the mighty King Turnip do you?



MAN WITH GUN

Who the fuck are you? Another lunatic?



KING TURNIP

I am King Turnip. And I challenge you to a duel sir.



MAN WITH GUN

But your Mel Brooks.



KING TURNIP

And you're Lenny Henry. So what? We have a task to do. You and I must duel, my friend. It is written.



MAN WITH GUN

By an insane screenwriter, probably trapped in an insane, militaristic, bourgeois hell, if his or her screenplays are anything to go by.



KING TURNIP PULLS OUT TWO SWORDS AND THROWS ONE TO MAN WITH GUN AFTER FIRST KILLING BALDRICK. THEY DANCE AROUND THE ROOM, CLASHING SWORDS AND MAKING PARTLY GAY PARTLY MACHO GESTURES WITH THEIR SHARP PHALLIC SYMBOLS.



MAN WITH GUN

Why are you doing this, Mel Brooks? You'll prolong the nightmare. If we wait too long, that posse of retarded westerners will show up and ruin everything. This is our chance to end this horror. Let me shoot the turnip, you bastard. Are you taking sides with the virtue signalling industry and Bette Midler and everything shit? You're Mel Brooks, you're the only person in this film who's funnier than I am.



KING TURNIP (FLATTERED)

Okay, okay, you make a good point.



PUTS DOWN HIS SWORD.



KING TURNIP

Go on. Let's blow this thing and go home, kid.



JUST AS MAN WITH GUN IS ABOUT TO SHOOT THE TURNIP THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND ALL HIS POSSE ENTER. CHARLES BOVARY SEES CHARLIE SHEEN AND IMMEDIATELY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE.



CHARLES BOVARY

This is the perfect place for us all to have sex.



THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AGAIN AND ALL THE STAFF OF THE ISRAELI EMBASSY RETURN, WITH FOOD THEY'VE BOUGHT FROM OUTSIDE, EACH MEAL COSTING MORE THAN A WEEK'S RENT FOR MOST OF LONDON'S WORKERS. THEY ALL SEE CHARLIE SHEEN AND HAVE THE SAME IMPULSE AS CHARLES BOVARY. SUDDENLY THEY ALL START HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Bring me some strippers.



ISRAELI AMBASSADOR

I could do it.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK [SHOOTS AMBASSADOR DEAD]

I'm not gay. Somebody find me his wife.



A CROWD OF MUSICIANS WHO HAVE HELPED MARKET ISRAEL AND ITS GENOCIDE TO THE WORLD ENTERS THE KITCHEN AND ALL BEND OVER FOR THE ISRAELI AMBASSADOR TO FUCK THEM BUT SINCE HE IS NOW DEAD, AND PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK IS NOT GAY, CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY TAKE TURNS.



MAN WITH GUN

This is getting very sick. Where the fuck is the turnip? It's got lost in the mayhem.



EVERYONE IS FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE IN A MAD HYPERCONSUMER ORGY IN THE KITCHEN OF THE ISRAELI EMBASSY WHILST KING TURNIP TRIES TO QUIETLY SLIP OUT OF THE BACK DOOR WHEN HE NOTICES EMMA BOVARY LOOKING AT MAN WITH GUN WITH A SUSPICIOUSLY DEMONIC LOOK IN HER EYE. MAN WITH GUN FINDS THE TURNIP BEHIND THE COOKER AND IS ABOUT TO SHOOT IT WHEN EMMA BOVARY SUDDENLY TRANSFORMS INTO A CLINICALLY OBESE SUCCUBUS WITH SNAKES COMING OUT OF HER MEDUSA-HEAD AND A PUSSY RIOT T-SHIRT AND A COPY OF THE GUARDIAN UNDER HER ARM.



EMMA BOVARY

Stop, male-creature, you will not kill that turnip. Instead I will kill you and drag your soul down to the depths of hell.



SHE GLARES AT HIM WITH HER RED EYES AND HE IS FROZEN TO THE SPOT. KING TURNIP THINKS FAST AND REANIMATES BALDRICK, WHO SEIZES THE GUN FROM MAN WITH GUN AND USES IT TO SHOOT THE TURNIP. THEY VANISH IN A PUFF OF CONVENIENT SCREENWRITING, BUT THE FILM IS NOT OVER. NO END MUSIC PLAYS.



CUT TO..



MAN WITH GUN, KING TURNIP, BALDRICK AND JEREMY CORBYN FIND THEMSELVES AT THE START OF A NEW FILM CALLED PLANET OF THE SALES APES - IN THE DISTANCE THEY SEE MILLIONS OF APES WITH HEADSETS, CLEANING MARKETING DATA.



MAN WITH GUN

Baldrick, I command you to create an ISMG right now.



BALDRICK

An ISMG?



MAN WITH GUN

An instantly-spendable money generator. It is vital that we invent such a device, with the power of our minds, for the author of this screenplay to use to save himself or herself from the disturbed society the author is living in. We can do this. It's all part of quantum theory. But the author must beware, for the forces which force the author to write this screenplay are as real as you or I or the author and are evil, evil I tell you. Just as we can throw the author into a new point of spacetime in which that author has an ISMG, so evil can taint that point of spacetime. Look, yonder. There it is. Evil.



IN THE DISTANCE THEY SEE THE MANY-HEADED CORONAVIRUS, HUNTING FOR SALES APES.





END MUSIC: THE BEAST MAN, ETNICA.





QUOTE FROM PLANET OF THE APES, AS RECITED IN 'THE BEAST MAN, ETNICA':

Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn,

alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed.

Yay he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land

let him not breed in great numbers

for he will make a desert of his home and yours.

Shun him. Drive him back into his jungle lair

for he is the harbinger of death.

Direction of resistance / implied resistance: Next film coming soon.

 

 

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Removal of resistance: Obviously it's Planet of the Sales Apes. Unification: Followed by Days of Gluten, it will not surprise the characters to know.
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Simple text version.

Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn, alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed. Yay he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land, let him not breed in great numbers, for he will make a desert of his home and yours. Shun him. Drive him back into his jungle lair for he is the harbinger of death.

Hunting of the Snark / Godot 2 / Madam Bovary, the neoliberal version/remake



POTENTIALLY STARRING: BILL BAILEY as SPACE ALIEN, JEREMY CORBYN as SECOND SPACE ALIEN, BETTE MIDLER as IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL, CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD, JOANNA LUMLEY as EMMA BOVARY, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as AMERICAN SPY, VIC REEVES as LOUIS XVI, BOB MORTIMER as MARIE ANTOINETTE, EDWARD NORTON as WHITE NARRATOR, KERMIT THE FROG as HIMSELF, LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN, BERNIE THE AGENT as HIMSELF, JOHNNY VEGAS as MEL BROOKS, MEL BROOKS as KING TURNIP, TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK, ANTOINE DE CAUNES as CHARLES BOVARY, ENOCH POWELL AS BORIS THE BARBARIAN, RICHARD BRIERS as DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE, ANT AND DEC as ELVIS, DAVID LYNCH as JIMMINY GLICK, BERNIE SANDERS as BERNIE SANDERS, KIEFER SUTHERLAND as KIEFER SUTHERLAND, COLONEL POTTER as HIMSELF, CLINGER as HIMSELF, MATT LUCAS as E.T., CHRISTOPHER WALKEN as RONALD MACDONALD, DAVID HASSELHOFF as CAPTAIN PICARD, DAVID HASSELHOFF as BATMAN, NIGEL HAVERS as BUGSY MALONE, GENERAL ZOD as HIMSELF and DIANA RIGG as ANNE OF GREEN GABLES







EXT. RIVER BOAT. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS TRAVELLING BY BOAT THROUGH SOUTH ASIA AGAIN, ACCOMPANIED BY SOLDIERS.







CAPTAIN WILLARD

I didn't know why I was in this film. Everybody had died in the previous one. And besides, it wasn't parodying anything in particular, my being here was entirely random - arbitrary. But one thing was obvious. Godot was not dead. How could he be? He was probably the screenwriter. I updated my Facebook page to inform my fans that the reason so many white people become hysterically afraid at the sound of the phrase "Jeremy Corbyn" was because his fairness and accountability heralded the beginning of the end of white entitlement and white racial preference. Rachel Riley blocked me. The first like I got came from Madam Bovary. I knew this was not by chance but by the screenwriter's design. So Beckett was going to rewrite Flaubert now. I thanked my lucky stars he had chosen Bovary and not the legend of St Julian the Hospitaller.



RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir! We've reached Guam now.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Guam. Always Guam. Was it because it had one of those names which sounds good on film? Probably. Even Godot was a sucker for vanity. I knew that the answer to my problems lay there. Somehow I could exploit Godot's vanity and stop him before the no doubt horrifying tale of Madam Bovary were to unfold in its entirety. Being Charlie Sheen, I decided the best thing I could do to save Bovary would be to give her a good seeing to (consenting, of course - I'm not one of THOSE American soldiers, I'm the one who deals with THOSE American soldiers).



RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir, I don't understand. Would you like me to kill someone?



CAPTAIN WILLARD (TO SOLDIER)

No no, I was just talking to the audience. I'm the narrator. It pays well.





CUT TO..







INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT.



WHITE NARRATOR

People always ask me if I know Jeremy Corbyn. Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero. Do you have a speech for the occasion?



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film Norton.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him again)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film, whoever you are. So keep your Stanislavskian crap to yourself. This film is not about white saviours.





CUT TO.. INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON WHERE LOUIS XVI HAS, HAVING BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A MAD ISRAELI SCIENTIST, A SECRET BASE, WHERE HE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE LIVING, PREPARING FOR A NEW FEUDAL AGE THEY INTEND TO BRING ABOUT THROUGH A CUNNING PLAN.





LOUIS XVI

Listen love, soon you will be able to eat all the organic cake products your heart desires, for I have a plan now, I know how I am going to regain control of France and in fact the world, thanks to our Israeli friends.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Israel? Surely you must not take control of Israel or that would be ungrateful. They have killed and nobbled so many people on your behalf, indeed it was their ethics-free scientists who brought you back to life with their lovely Day-of-the-zombie Weinstein 5000 machine!



LOUIS XVI

No love, I will not take over Israel, just the rest of the world. Don't you want to hear my plan?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm sure it's a lovely plan. I want to hear more about those cakes. Will they have chocolate icing? I love chocolate icing. Particularly if it is flecked with little pieces of white chocolate, with vanilla which has come from some location marketing companies know everyone will put their faith in.



LOUIS XVI

Listen, I'm the King. You're just the Queen. Now shut up and listen to my plan. It's a great one. You should love it. It's a feminist plan.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Oh I do love your feminist plans. I enjoyed your feminist revival of Thatcher. The slogan "women have a right to exploit and kill and be labelled heroes" was a masterpiece. Imagine if only men were allowed to receive praise for things like genocide. Since we were granted this privilege we are truly a more well treated gender. What's the new plan?



LOUIS XVI

In a word, Bovary. Emma Bovary. I'm going to get her to carry out a feminist revolution in which the planet is renamed Vagina World and I will be its King.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Surely such a world would need a Queen?



LOUIS XVI

Get with the times, love. Take a look at the Guardian, the head of western feminist thought management - it promotes control of the world by a few extremely powerful men and their wives. Same as you and me. We're proper feminists.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

That's brilliant then, Vic. I mean Louis. What are you waiting for? Get hold of Emma Bovary and start your 'revolution'. I'm just going down the shops. We've run out of Battenbergs again. I know you love em with your tea.



LOUIS XVI

I like my Battenbergs.





CUT TO..



INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT. WHITE NARRATOR, MAN WITH GUN AND BALDRICK ARE PLAYING CLUEDO.



BALDRICK

I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the drone warfare centre, with the computer keyboard.



WHITE NARRATOR

You know, man with gun, I really don't think this kind of contest is macho enough. We need to be bare fisted, rolling around on the ground and sweating.



MAN WITH GUN

My dear Norton, this is not a porn film. This is an existential study of the failings of the latterday bourgeoisie.



WHITE NARRATOR

So was fight club.



MAN WITH GUN

No it wasn't. It was a mindless sexist macho sensationalist bunch of shit with a seemingly 'clever twist' at the end. Just another American male far up himself, revelling in his own sophistry, calling that sophistry dissent.



WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, but it paid well. I'm not even getting paid for this.



MAN WITH GUN

That's because this film isn't real. Nothing is real. We are figments of the imagination of some sort of plant.



BALDRICK

I thought it was King Turnip who was responsible for all this, my lord. After all, in the last film you killed me and now I'm here again. Surely only King Turnip with his magic powers could bring me back to life. And besides, you must have killed the plant in the last film, so it can't be the plant dreaming, can it?



MAN WITH GUN

It's very simple, Baldrick, I killed the wrong plant. I killed a cactus which the plant dreamt it was - ie it dreamt it was dreaming - it imagined itself to be a cactus. In reality it is some other plant. Probably in a pot, on a windowsill. We're going to have to hunt it down again.



WHITE NARRATOR

Yeah, well I think it was Miss Scarlett in the propaganda production facility at Guardian Newspaper Headquarters, with the racist neoliberal bilge intended to drive blind support for racist genocidal interventionist politics, accidentally causing far right numbers to swell so high that it turns into a Brexit and blows up in her face.



CUT TO..



INT. HOME OF CHARLES BOVARY. DULL CEO BY DAY. SECRET GAY NIGHT CLUB OWNER BY NIGHT. WHILE CHARLES OSTENTATIOUSLY ADDS NEW ACQUISITIONS TO HIS STAMP COLLECTION, HIS WIFE IS UPSTAIRS IN HER BEDROOM, ON THE PHONE TO HER LATEST LOVER, AMERICAN SPY, A SENIOR MARKETING EXECUTIVE AT THE CHARITY CORPORATION OF AMERICA, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER ALSO AN ISRAELI SPY WHO HAS BEEN RECRUITED TO TRICK HER INTO CONVERTING HER PENT-UP RAGE, BORN OUT OF THE FUTILITY AND BANALITY OF HER SITUATION AND THE WORLD SHE LIVES IN, INTO CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ON A SCALE NEVER WITNESSED BY THE HUMAN RACE BEFORE.





AMERICAN SPY

I'm tired of the world of marketing and charity. I've rolled out my last rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushion in the name of gay consumer rights, I want to do more for the world. More than I've already done, absurd though that may seem. Let us make this film about you and me, Emma. Let me raise you to the highest heights - and help you overpower the world. You can revolutionise the way humans think - and live happily ever after.



EMMA BOVARY

But the book doesn't end that way. Flaubert was taking the piss out of us, not holding us up as Roman or Greek heroes to worship. This film is a farce and if you really think you can change that, you're stupider than I thought. But that's okay, sweetheart. I like you for your body not your mind.



AMERICAN SPY

Well we'll rewrite it. That's the modern way. Take anything humans have ever done, good or bad, and remake it in an arbitrary way which suits our immediate commercial needs.



EMMA BOVARY

What sort of revolution?



AMERICAN SPY

The Vagina revolution. We will change this planet's name to Vagina World.



EMMA BOVARY

The whole planet?



AMERICAN SPY

Well except Israel, of course.



EMMA BOVARY

How exactly can we start a revolution?



AMERICAN SPY

You are Emma Bovary. You have a lot of popularity among middle class hyperconsumers across the world, you are a cultural artefact, one of those things western humans and their serfs in many grovelling conquered outposts are most proud of is historical artefacts with famous names. They tend to know, on average, next to nothing about the aforesaid artefacts but are nonetheless able to, in their own minds, assign to them some sort of generative property - which all by itself yields intellectual culture and progress in any individual who is even sitting in the pub nearby having a pint of lard and some pork scratchings.



EMMA BOVARY

So it's my marketing power, really, which you think we can capitalise on. I'm not sure I like that, but I am very bored, so tell me more.



AMERICAN SPY

Well, first we're going to do a charity run.







EXT. SWAMP, DAY. KERMIT THE FROG IS PLAYING HIS BANJO AND SINGING, NEARBY BERNIE THE AGENT IS BOATING.





KERMIT

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong wait and see. Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and -



[GUN-SHOT RINGS OUT AND KERMIT'S HEAD IS BLOWN OFF HIS SHOULDERS.]



MAN WITH GUN

Sorry Kermit, this film isn't about you or about making millions of people happy. This is a sick farce about the meltdown of human society. This is about the real world.



BERNIE THE AGENT

Was that REALLY necessary?



MAN WITH GUN

Don't ask me, ask the screenwriter.



[SHOOTS BERNIE THE AGENT DEAD]





CUT TO..



INT. SPORTS CAR. EMMA BOVARY AND CHARLES BOVARY ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT THE IMMORAL NATURE OF CHARLES' JOB AS HEAD OF MARKETING FOR THE EXPLOITATION CORPORATION AND HIS LATEST PROJECT TO ROLL OUT FOURTEEN MILLION NOVELTY RAINBOW-COLOURED STYLISED-TURD-SHAPED CUSHIONS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIRTUE SIGNAL IN ORDER TO OPEN UP NEW MARKETS AND INCREASE PROFITS.



EMMA BOVARY

When I married you I thought you were a charismatic, strong-willed and free-minded individual, and glamorous and interesting. In reality all you really have is wealth and might. You are a snake oil salesman and from dawn to dusk all you do is exploit and harm, with a smile on your face and a dirty thought in your head.



CHARLES BOVARY

That is simply not true, I am a very kind man at heart, it is the world which is evil. Ask Nicholas Cage in that film about the virtues of genocide. Even the Times of Israel has, albeit very briefly, praised genocide. Look, there's a hotel. Why don't we stop for the night?



EMMA BOVARY

It's lunch time. And no. I refuse to have sex with you until I have resolved this moral problem. Now talk. What can we do to fix your satanic and evil nature?



HE BEGINS TO MAKE AN OBVIOUSLY SLEAZY SUGGESTION.



EMMA BOVARY

No, I'm not interested in your lazy and ignorant narcissism right now. I want a change to happen. Corbyn style change. Real change. What's it going to be?



CHARLES BOVARY THINKS HARD. HE HAS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE. HE KNOWS THERE ARE MEN FAR MORE WORTHY OF EMMA BOVARY THAN HE AND IF SHE GOES ALL HIS WEALTH AND POWER MAY NOT BE AS ENJOYABLE. HE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE AND DOESN'T WANT TO RISK IT.



CHARLES BOVARY

Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we find you an orphaned Iraqi child, and do something nice for them.



EMMA BOVARY

That's just cheap and nasty. No. Not unless -





SHE HAS AN IDEA. CUT TO..





INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND A GROUP OF WHITE AND TOKEN RACISTS WHO BELIEVE IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS AS AN AXIOMATIC DOCUMENT ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR NEW FRIEND BORIS THE BARBARIAN.



BORIS THE BARBARIAN

So I said: "but you're a bloody scotsman so why don't you sod off!"



APPLAUSE FROM QUACKQUACK AND HIS COURTIERS.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Let's sing a hymn now. Hymn number 90210, all things on my credit card.



THEY SING.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Amen. So, Boris. Tell me more. Godot is back and on the loose again, you say. This is troublesome. I don't remember how it ended last time.



[ONE OF HIS AIDES EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT THEY ALL DIED AND GODOT TURNED OUT TO BE A MYSTICAL FORCE BEYOND THEIR COMPREHENSION, PROBABLY EXISTING IN AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE AS DIMENSIONS BUT WHAT TO GODOT ARE MERELY STRANDS OF A DIFFERENT AND 'HIGHER' PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER.]



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

What I want to know is whether Louis the Sixteenth and his hot wife can come down and hang with us while we figure out how to kill Godot.



CUT TO..



INT. CHARLES BOVARY'S SPORTS CAR.



EMMA BOVARY

So what do you say?



CHARLES BOVARY

I don't even know Mel Brooks.



EMMA BOVARY

Rubbish. You can get hold of anyone you want. You are one of the most evil and powerful men alive today. There's almost nobody you can't unearth with a few threats to someone who owes you, or a bit of leaning on someone who's scared of you. Mel Brooks or divorce.



CHARLES BOVARY

Why Mel Brooks?



EMMA BOVARY

Introducing an Iraqi child who has been robbed of her entire family by worthless racist western scumbags to Mel Brooks can give that child back some kind of faith in humanity, some sort of understanding that even in the west, low and depraved though it is, there are great people who loathe those who behave the way she has been led by our actions and inactions to believe we are all taught to live.



CHARLES BOVARY

Alright alright, I don't need a lecture. I will get Mel Brooks. Now can we check into a hotel?



EMMA BOVARY

After I speak to Mel Brooks.



CHARLES BOVARY

Fine. Turn on the car phone will you, dear. I'd better call my secretary.





CUT TO..



EIGHTIES' AMERICAN TV DETECTIVE DRAMA SET. JIHADIS BEAT WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN, FROM ITALIANS TO JAMAICANS, GATHER TOGETHER IN GANGS AND KILL SECURITY GUARDS AND POLICEWOMEN TO PASS THE TIME. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS WALKING ALONG WITH A YOYO, LOOKING TO DEAL WITH WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE ANTI-WHITE VILLAINY, IN THE NAME OF PROVING THAT AUTHORITARIAN FORCE IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH NON WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS.





DEMPSEY

I really don't think the screenwriter has ever even seen a single episode of this show, it just had a famous name and he probably Googled it and was amazed at the sheer calumny it embodies, a typical boorish western establishment racist, classist, fascist demonisation of non white people, muslims, socialists, civilians (rather than police, security forces, armies and others with 'the right to kill baddies') and others. Very blatantly. He would never have watched such crap. Have you read the Waiting for Godot screenplay? This writer has some taste. Do me a favour. He doesn't even know which one of us is the American one and which is the English one.



MAKEPEACE

Well it doesn't matter, it's the same actor, isn't it?



DEMPSEY

Yes, I like that very much. I have a feeling the writer will merely write us as Richard Briers talking to himself, partly in an American accent, and will leave it up to us to decide which character, at any given time, has the American accent.



MAKEPEACE

I like that very much.



DEMPSEY

Would you like some tea?



MAKEPEACE

Yes, I'd love some.



DEMPSEY (POURS TEA)

I think that Makepeace sounds like the English name, it has a sort of rustic bizarreness about it. Dempsey sounds much more American.



MAKEPEACE

I would say the opposite; Makepeace has a weird American unorthodoxy about it, whilst Dempsey sounds like some fellow down the King's road.



DEMPSEY

Nonsense.



MAKEPEACE

Look, what if we both use the same accent, or both use different American accents?



DEMPSEY

But that wouldn't be faithful to the text.



MAKEPEACE

What text? The screenwriter is parodying the people who even watch Dempsey and Makepeace, and its writers, and the issue of parodying the show itself doesn't even come up - the writer, as you say, has probably never even watched it - I mean what an appalling show it is, sowing racist stereotypes and blind obedience to violent authority in the minds of the young and impressionable?



DEMPSEY

You've got a good point there, Makepeace, I say we both use my own normal English accent, a little bit Chiswick.



MAKEPEACE

No, I think I should do Boston and you should do Louisiana.



DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?



MAKEPEACE

That's it, that's it. You be Louisiana and I'll be Boston.



DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?



MAKEPEACE

Very humorous.



DEMPSEY

Oh give me a home where no liberals roam and the folks all think the same way, where each house has a gun, a big helluva one and strangers are told "make my day"..





CUT TO..





INT. GAY NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT. CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE SIPPING DRINKS IN A PRIVATE ROOM.



CHARLES BOVARY

Then she tells me she wants me to introduce Mel Brooks to an Iraqi orphan.



AMERICAN SPY (CAN'T CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER)

So where is she now?



CHARLES BOVARY

I left her with a "headache". Her desire to not have sex with me is definitely at an all time high.



AMERICAN SPY

So we have all night?



PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY ANSWERS IT.



AMERICAN SPY

Emma! What a surprise. I was just thinking about you.





CUT TO..



EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, ON THE PHONE TO AMERICAN SPY.



EMMA BOVARY

I've sent Charles to get hold of Mel Brooks for me, so we have all night if you want to meet me. You're almost as bad as he is. When's the last time we did anything but talk on the phone?



CUT TO..



CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY HAVE STARTED TO HAVE SEX.



AMERICAN SPY

Emma, darling, I hope you won't take this the wrong way but I have to take care of something before we can finish this conversation. Stay where you are. I will get to you as soon as I can, as fast as my feet can carry me. Don't move from where you are.



HE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND TELLS HIS GOOGLE VOICE-ACTIVATED THING TO PLAY THE BOLERO.



CUT TO..



EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, FEELING SAD AND DEJECTED, MARRIED TO A MAN WHO CHEATS ON HER, CHEATING ON HIM WITH A MAN WHO ALSO CHEATS ON HER, ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALISE THAT IT'S WITH HER OWN HUSBAND, DISILLUSIONED AT NEOLIBERAL AND RIGHT WING MODERN EARTH, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE NOTICES JIMMINY GLICK STARING AT HER FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR. HE IS NOT IN HER ROOM, ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT. JIMMINY GLICK IS EATING A CHAIR.



EMMA BOVARY

Aren't you David Lynch?



JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick. You're confused because Martin Short usually plays me. That's not important right now. What's important is the three strange men behind me.



HE WALKS AWAY AND SHE NOTICES MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE SITTING ON HER BED, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT, PLAYING POKER FOR THE SAME THREE OPENED PACKETS OF PRETZELS WHICH HAVE FEATURED IN ALL FILMS AND TV EVER, IN WHICH PEOPLE PLAYED POKER FOR PRETZELS OR WHILST EATING PRETZELS. MAN WITH GUN LOOKS UP AND SEES HER AND IS AS SHOCKED AS SHE IS.



CUT TO..



INT. HOTEL ROOM. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE PLAYING POKER FOR PRETZELS.



MAN WITH GUN

Look Baldrick, in the mirror. It's Emma Bovary. We shouldn't be sitting around wasting our time, we have a job to do.



HE WALKS OVER TO THE MIRROR.



MAN WITH GUN

Can you hear me Emma Bovary?



EMMA BOVARY

Who are you?



MAN WITH GUN (TO BALDRICK)

She can hear me.



MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Don't worry about who I am, I'm a friend. If you're Emma Bovary, sit tight, we've come to save you from Bourgeois Hell.



EMMA BOVARY

Finally, someone who understands. Who are you? WHERE are you?



MAN WITH GUN

Uh - not quite sure.



BALDRICK

I thought you said we're in the dream of a yucca plant.



MAN WITH GUN

It might be a fern Baldrick. Or anything. Probably a pot plant. You're being too specific. It could be any pot plant.



MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Do you have any pot plants nearby? Any unusual flora and fauna love?



EMMA BOVARY

So you're mad? So I'm caught between neoliberals, tories, entirely mindless advertising executives and a mad person?



MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not mad, I'm - look, wherever you are, you may be in danger. If there is a pot plant somewhere in your vicinity you must get away from it, or destroy it or something.



EMMA BOVARY

There's some daffodils in a vase.



MAN WITH GUN

No it would be a pot plant. If it's a vase you're okay.



BALDRICK

What about the fridge?



WHITE NARRATOR

I've checked, there's only beer.



EMMA BOVARY ALMOST JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN, SINCE WHITE NARRATOR IS NOW IN HER HOTEL ROOM.



EMMA BOVARY

Who the hell are you? Wait a minute. You're Edward Norton. Can I get your autograph, it's for, ahem, my daughter.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he's playing -



MAN WITH GUN PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND HE FALLS FLAT ON THE GROUND



EMMA BOVARY

What the hell?



MAN WITH GUN

It's alright, I think our meat-head friend there managed to break through some kind of spacetime barrier in to your part of the world we're trapped in which, you may want to take note right now, is the dream of a pot plant. No ordinary dream, a tormented dream beset with fear of apocalypse and the banality of evil.



EMMA BOVARY

Hence the choice of subject matter.



MAN WITH GUN

That's right. And we have to prevent the degeneration of this dream into the worst sort of meltdown imaginable. Last time we had to deal with nuclear and military meltdown. This time it's going to be worse, the author is clearly going to take it to a new level of horror, whatever that is.



EMMA BOVARY

I don't understand. Are we in a screenplay, as you imply with your mention of an author, or are we in the mind of a pot plant?



CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL AND INTO THE ROOM, WHERE IT GRINDS TO A HALT.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

We had this conversation already. I think it's a dream. We're all asleep and dreaming of being here, in this situation where someone is telling us that all of reality, even outside our dream, is a dream.



MAN WITH GUN

Not this time, Captain Willard. This is just the main dream, not a dream inside a dream.



BERNIE SANDERS ENTERS



BERNIE SANDERS

Hang on, hang on, if this is just the main dream, how did Willard get here, to urban Europe, from Guam, in that boat? Not just so fast, but how could the boat get into this room? Where is the water?



JIMMINY GLICK APPEARS AGAIN.



JIMMINY GLICK

I think I can explain that.



BERNIE SANDERS

You're David Lynch.



JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick, in the script. Let me explain -



THEY LEAVE, WITH GLICK EXPLAINING TO SANDERS WHAT HE FEELS MAY BE GOING ON IN THIS SCREENPLAY



EMMA BOVARY

Well that was odd.



BALDRICK

Forgive me for intruding, my lords and ladies, but I still think King Turnip may be behind all this and we would be well advised to get out of here and conceal ourselves from the Turnip Royal Guard, which will make us all into shrubberies, all of them forming, from an aerial view, a cleverly constructed agriculture-based image of infamous comedian and travel writer Michael Palin.



EMMA BOVARY

Again. Things are getting very odd.



MAN WITH GUN

You're telling me. We're doing another one, they told me. You're the main character, they told me. This time you, the non white anti-hero, save the rich white woman from horror and grief, and she's a real feminist too. And what do I find? First they force me to have Edward Norton shadowing my insanity at every move, to try and pretend that you can benefit from white privilege but also be against the white-privilege-centric establishment at the same time, Charlie Sheen is back, probably hoping to stick his unmentionables into anything which can wear underwear, temporarily of course, and now David Lynch and Bernie Sanders are trying to turn it into a party political broadcast.



EMMA BOVARY

I thought you said this was a dream.



MAN WITH GUN

I think it's a screenplay of a dream of a dream of a screenplay.



THE PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE VANISHES AGAIN EXCEPT EMMA BOVARY. SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE. AMERICAN SPY IS AT THE OTHER END.



AMERICAN SPY

Darling, I can't believe this is happening now, but I've just had an urgent call from Jimmy Carr asking me to help him figure out the best way for him to give charity to the bioweapons department of the Israeli military. I need to get hold of Deniro and talk to him, he remembers how I arranged that the last time. It's a lot of money. A LOT of foul mouth racist macho people spend their money on Jimmy Carr's professional imperial juvenility. You're going to have to manage without me this time.



EMMA BOVARY

But -



AMERICAN SPY

Sorry I have to go now. I'll call you the moment I've finished my work.



HE HANGS UP AND GOES BACK TO ROGERING CHARLES BOVARY.



EMMA BOVARY (TO HERSELF)

Why did he say professional imperial juvenility - a man as ignorant as him sees that as high satire, as attacks on the corrupt - whilst anyone of intelligence couldn't possibly compare Jimmy Carr's puerile machismo to the anti-establishment wit of Jonathan Swift, or even Vic Reeves on a good day, that's not the sort of thing these backward lovers of mine usually see as being the case. I don't understand. Something odd really is going on. Was I dreaming all those strange people?



MAN WITH GUN REAPPEARS, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR. THE OTHER TWO ARE NOT THERE, NOR IS WILLARD OR HIS BOAT.



MAN WITH GUN

No I don't think so. And I think the reason he spoke out of character is to do with Godot.



EMMA BOVARY

But Waiting for Godot was written a long time after Flaubert and has apparently nothing to do with Madam Bovary. What has Godot got to do with it?



MAN WITH GUN

I'm afraid this is the second film. You didn't see the first one. It was insane. Nukes flying. Fat dumb American presidents running around the world while the author played fast and loose with eighties stereotype-laden comedy and drama characters. Didn't end well. Tony Blair almost became involved. And even though the writer cut him out before the very end, it was still pretty much the most grim ending possible.



EMMA BOVARY

And you think this time it'll be even worse?



MAN WITH GUN

Logically there's no alternative possibility we can deduce to be probable. Is there?



EMMA BOVARY

No, I suppose not. And you say that if we find the right pot plant and eliminate it the whole show is over and Dawn French will spring up and do her best rendition of "Here comes the bride".



MAN WITH GUN

Yes, I think that's a pretty apt metaphor.



EMMA BOVARY PUTS ON HER COAT AND HAT AND PICKS UP HER HANDBAG AND SHE AND MAN WITH GUN LEAVE HER HOTEL ROOM.



CUT TO..



INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON. LOUIS XVI AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE EATING BATTENBERGS AND DRINKING CUPS OF TEA.



LOUIS XVI

TONY, TONY, I JUST GOT A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I've told you before, Vic, you can't shorten Marie Antoinette to Tony.



LOUIS XVI

Why not? You called me Vic.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yes but that was a departure from the fiction, that was just a step into the world beyond the fiction, although under the circumstances it's hard to say in which direction the step moved. Anyway, it's not the same at all. You can call me Mary for short if you like.



LOUIS XVI

Alright Mary. So what should I do? Should I accept his friend request?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Why not Vic? He's a nice bloke. Has his own set of golf clubs and a proper barometer. We may need to borrow either. I think the president would be a useful friend even if he is a bit of a racist genocidal maniac who's obsessed with sex and is only a gender-egalitarian insofar as he treats everyone with equal contempt and equally as nothing but a means to an end, regardless of gender, although gender may impact the ends involved or desired. I say go for it. You added Henry Kissinger, didn't you? How can you really sink any lower?



LOUIS XVI

I could. I haven't replied to Alistair Campbell yet.



LOUIS XVI ACCEPTS PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK'S FRIEND REQUEST AND THEN GETS A PRIVATE MESSAGE IN WHICH THE PRESIDENT INVITES LOUIS XVI AND HIS HOT WIFE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM IN THE WAR ROOM IN WASHINGTON.



LOUIS XVI

Mary, Mary, the President wants to meet me and my hot wife.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You can't do that, Vic. You don't have a hot wife. Your wife is played by me and I'm hardly hot. I'm a man.



LOUIS XVI

Well if the president's gay then you might be hot.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Have you met the president? He's a proper village idiot dinosaur-man. Purely paleolithic. The fact that this screenplay is littered with gender shuffling and actors playing characters the wrong gender, interspersed with gay plots, would totally throw him. He's going to be pretty upset if you walk into the war room with a man dressed as a female french aristocrat.



LOUIS XVI

So what are we going to to Bob? I mean Tony. I mean Mary.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm thinking, Vic. I'm thinking.



MARIE ANTOINETTE THINKS.



CUT TO..



EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE MOST LIKELY CHARACTERISTICS OF HIS/HER SHOW.



DEMPSEY

So we know to begin with that there must be some sort of personality clash between the two police officers, there always is. In Due South you had the lazy one and the overzealous one. Generally speaking if you have two cops, the purpose of having two is that they argue with each other and take very different approaches, leading them to constantly bounce the plot in different directions.



MAKEPEACE

You're probably right but you're overlooking the most important characteristic - by essentially legitimising both proper, indeed over-zealous use of law and authority at the same time as improper, lazy or even purely delusionary methods, including abandoning things like the presumption of innocence, indeed due process, indeed civilised behaviour, the primary purpose of any cop show or similar is to remind civilians that authority-figures should, gladly, be given absolute power over all life which appears on their tv show.



DEMPSEY

You've got a point there, Makers old son.



MAKEPEACE

If you're doing the English accent then I have to be the woman don't I? I mean if you speak in an obviously English accent people will just assume you're Richard Briers and imagine you to be the male. So you can't call me old son.



DEMPSEY

Alright then, old girl.



MAKEPEACE

Personally I think the author's taking the whole sending up of the pantomime-like ostentatious exhibitionist nature of western 'gay rights' flag wavers, most of whom actually don't care about gay rights and aren't gay but need a whole armoury of virtue signals to use to cover their tracks as they plough on each day with genocide, ecocide and species-wide collective suicide, just a tiny bit too far.



DEMPSEY

How much is a tiny bit?



MAKEPEACE

Three or four hundred words. Not much in contrast to say a medium sized technical lecture by Chomsky.



DEMPSEY

But a lot longer than a tweet from the president of the USA.



MAKEPEACE

An advert for dog food would have more words than the average nugget of 'wisdom' from the Americans' infamous tweeting president. Words are not the president's strong point.



DEMPSEY

Does the president indeed have any strong points?



CUT TO..



EXT. GUAM. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS SOMEHOW BACK IN GUAM, STILL IN THE BOAT, WITH THE CREW, BUT NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF GUAM HIGH STREET, BY THE LOCAL TESCO OPPOSITE THE KRISPY KREME.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I had no idea what the hell was going on. I knew that the screenwriter was showing the audience that the president really did have a sort of 'strong' front end, which was me, but I wasn't sure if the author was, in fact, mocking me. Bouncing me around reality like a basketball, robbed of any self-determination or even rational reality in which my character might at least be able to build itself some humanlike narrative so as to be recognised as more than a mere punch and judy puppet.



MAN WITH GUN COMES OUT OF THE TESCO WITH A BAG CONTAINING ALL THE CHILLI PLANTS IN THAT PARTICULAR TESCO BRANCH, IE THE GUAM HIGH STREET BRANCH. HE WALKS OVER TO CAPTAIN WILLARD AND PLACES THE PLANTS IN FRONT OF WILLARD. HE THEN TAKES WILLARD'S GUN FROM WILLARD, AS THOUGH WILLARD'S MIND IS ENTIRELY AT HIS DISPOSAL, AND HE SHOOTS ALL OF THE PLANTS.



MAN WITH GUN

Nope. We're still here.



BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR APPEAR ALSO, COMING FROM KRISPY KREME.



BALDRICK

Do you think there's a subtle joke about racial profiling hidden in this scene, my lord?



MAN WITH GUN

Very possibly, Baldrick.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I know you, you're Godot.



MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not, I'm Man with Gun, can't you read. Look, it's right there.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

My mistake, sorry. Should we all just go somewhere, play some poker, eat some chilli, drink a few beers, that sort of thing? I mean we don't have to play it the way the screenwriter wants us to. We can outwit him.



EMMA BOVARY APPEARS ALSO, FROM TESCO, WITH A FULL TROLLEY LADEN WITH GLUTEO-LIPID MAXIMISATION RESOURCES.



EMMA BOVARY

Or her, captain.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Madam Bovary!



EMMA BOVARY

Captain Willard.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I have a bedroom on the boat. We can move straight on to the part of the film which you're here primarily to cater to, assuming this is standard western 'art'.



EMMA BOVARY

That's quite an assumption, captain. I'm afraid you Americans overlook that little devilish thing called the details, when you cast yourselves and figure out your plot points and mid points and what nots.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I don't follow.



EMMA BOVARY

Oh but you do. You are nothing but a sheep. You tart yourself up like a cheap heterosexual male whore. And you think all I need is a good seeing to when the one thing I need least is more sex or the ego of another penis-with-man-attached.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

You're very harsh. I don't understand. I'm the hero. I'm here to save you. Or why would I be played by Charlie Sheen?



EMMA BOVARY

My friend Man with Gun here has explained to me the fact that in the first film you thought you were there to save the world from Godot when in reality it was up to Godot to save the world from you and everyone else in the film. In this film clearly most of the same characteristics are true - you, in short - are no force for good. No matter what you seem, all you really are is an engine powering the motion of this film towards a bad, a very bad, filthy, dirty ending. Why else cast YOU? And indeed me.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I see your point. But what about him? Why do you think he's the good guy? Everywhere he goes everything melts into chaos. And he's a maniac. He keeps shooting plants. Ever since I first met him he's been doing it. Just out of the blue. This time he bought them. The man bought seventeen chilli plants for putting on your windowsill, he took my assault rifle and he blew them away. Is this a man you feel can guide you through these troubled times to a stable future?



EMMA BOVARY

I don't expect you to understand that, but do understand this: he's the only man in the screenplay who doesn't try to have sex with me whilst also not being gay. THAT is why I trust him and not you. For him this film is about something else, it's not a porn film as it is for you and Tyler Durden over there. For him this film is nothing more than a continuation across the spacetime continuum of the nightmarish vision behind works like Flaubert's Madam Bovary, and so much more, from Gilliam's Brazil and Ionesco's Rhinoceros to the words and works, long gone, of the nameless poets of the distant past who surely first lit this fire which has burned so brightly over the ages and in the faces of so many fascist tyrants, saying to each and every one: you can bully them, mother fucker, but YOU CANNOT BULLY ME. What I have written I have written.



CUT TO..



INT. HOTEL ROOM WHERE CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE CONTINUING TO HAVE GAY SEX LONG INTO THE NIGHT. THEY TAKE A BREAK TO WATCH THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST AND TO PLAY RUGBY. AFTER RUCKING AND MAULING AND SINGING ABBA SONGS AND SUCH THEY TAKE A FURTHER BREAK TO GO TO THE GYM AND THEN AFTER MORE GAY SEX DECIDE TO HAVE MORE CONVERSATION, SINCE THEY'RE BOTH SO GOOD WITH WORDS AND IT SEEMS A SHAME NOT TO.



CHARLES BOVARY

So do you know where I can find Mel Brooks?



AMERICAN SPY

Didn't I tell you? I spoke to someone at the Israeli embassy and they found us a Mel Brooks already. He's waiting for us in the lobby.



CHARLES BOVARY

A Mel Brooks? So not the actual one?



AMERICAN SPY

Well, when there is such an oversupply of celebrities and actors in the west, who needs the real thing? There's always a dozen copies and duplicates and potential posers or imposters for any celebrity worth a few bucks.



CHARLES BOVARY

I don't know. My wife is quite intelligent. I know you wouldn't expect it of me, but there it is. My one mistake. I married a woman who considers her mind to be more important than her vagina.



AMERICAN SPY

I suppose if you find someone like that what else can you do. It's got to be worth a lot of money, a one in a million like that.



CHARLES BOVARY

Particularly to a pair of randy gay men like ourselves, eh?



AMERICAN SPY CHUCKLES



AMERICAN SPY

Do you think she's gone to sleep by now?



CHARLES BOVARY

Indubitably. Dreaming of enabling children to live natural and calm lives or some other insane far-left fantasy. She hangs around with too many of these anti-semitic anti-genocide people who don't realise that unless we kill all the people we say we're going to kill, they may try to kill us first. We have to deter them.



AMERICAN SPY

Indeed, genocide is the only deterrant. Hippies and far-left terrorists just don't understand. Their answer to everything is violence or just being annoying.



CHARLES BOVARY

They should be lined up against the wall and shot.



THE TWO TAKE THE LIFT DOWN TO THE LOBBY WHERE MEL BROOKS IS WAITING FOR THEM, EATING A KEBAB AND DRINKING BEER.



CHARLES BOVARY

But that's Johnny Vegas. She'll know. She's not stupid.



AMERICAN SPY

Yes but she'll have to play along, it's part of the fiction. She can't very well argue against actors playing characters in this film. What does she expect? Some sort of Pirandello-meets-Douglas-Adams type of thing? Before you know it we'll be back to Richard Briers talking to himself which, even if it is entertaining, does distract us completely from the key nodes of the plot of this film.



CHARLES BOVARY

All the gay sex has caused me to forget what they are. Please refresh my memory. What is actually going on in this film other than gay sex, dubiously portrayed through gender-mismatched actors such that the heterosexual relationships are actually gay and the gay relationships are actually heterosexual.



AMERICAN SPY

If you recall we decided to use your wife to kick start a fake revolution which will result in the empowerment of a global monarch operating as the puppet of the new Israeli government.



CHARLES BOVARY

Oh yes, the Israelis. All that killing and genocide and torture. Come on, let's go back upstairs.



MEL BROOKS

Don't you want to hear my act?



AMERICAN SPY

It's okay, you're part of an insignificant side-plot. Do it how you like.

(HE GIVES MEL BROOKS A PILE OF CASH)

Go and get yourself a drink, just be back here at lunchtime.



MEL BROOKS

(LOOKS AT THE WAD OF CASH)

Maybe I'll get myself a bar.



AMERICAN SPY

Just get back here at lunchtime, that's all. We need you to talk to some Iraqi kid.



CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY GO BACK UPSTAIRS AND CONTINUE TO HAVE GAY SEX UNTIL THE AUDIENCE NO LONGER FINDS IT NOVEL AND INTERESTING AND FINDS SOME OTHER NICHE BEHAVIOUR TO CHAMPION AS THE EVIDENCE OF THEIR ADVANCEMENT.



CUT TO..



INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Dan Hodges?



LOUIS XVI

Surely he's a man too?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Don't make me laugh. He boasts about making entire groups of people froth and foam at the mouth in anger, as he did when Corbyn lost the election to Johnson. Even though right after he had been promoting making people froth and foam at the mouth to 'celebrate' the killing of 'jihadi john', some people frothed and foamed so much they massacred the writers of Charlie Hebdo - days after Mr 'make them froth and foam at the mouth' had been proudly advocating justice by summary execution on twitter.



LOUIS XVI

So that makes him a child, not a woman. This film is lampooning fake feminists, not women Bob. You need someone who can look sexy. Dan Hodges won't do. His cowardice is irrelevant, he looks like an ape. President Quackquack will not fancy him. You need a better idea. What about Winona Ryder?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

He'd snap her like a twig. You need someone more Viking.



AMERICAN SPY SUDDENLY REVEALS HIMSELF FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.



AMERICAN SPY

What you need, if you'll forgive my listening in on you and treating you as fair game -



LOUIS XVI

You work for the Israeli State and the American military, do you think we would ascribe any other ethical modality to you?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You tell him Vic. I'm sick of his smart arse ideas. They always go wrong.



AMERICAN SPY

Hear me out. I have the ideal woman for you to use. Emma Bovary. I'm her agent.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Is she doing gigs still? I thought she'd retired after that standup night in Merseyside she did went really wrong and she was chased away by a mob of female dockyard workers.



LOUIS XVI

I like this idea very much. I'm going to buy myself a new crown and sceptre and a new suit from Giorgi Armani, and some after shave.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

But you don't shave, Vic. You're just tarting yourself up so you can have sweaty sex with Emma Bovary by seducing her with a combination of your northern charm and your dashing metropolitan dress sense.



AMERICAN SPY

So it's all set, then?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yeah, I think Vic's up for it. I mean Louis.



AMERICAN SPY

I'll be back with her in 24 hours. Then we can fly you to Washington and have some fun. In the meantime I'll leave Kiefer Sutherland with you to shoot some extra footage to edit in later.



AMERICAN SPY LEAVES. KIEFER SUTHERLAND SITS DOWN ON A HIGH CHAIR AND BEGINS TO EAT A RUSK.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Excuse me, but what the Turkey Dinner Marketing Campaign are you supposed to be doing here? This scene ends in a few lines so I don't know what you're going to do for 24 hours, while we wait for our next shoot.



LOUIS XVI

Yeah, I can't hang about here with Kiefer Sutherland for 24 hours. A man needs to eat and sleep.



KIEFER SUTHERLAND

I think the idea is that footage of me spending the next 24 hours with you, minute by minute, will be run in diptych next to the main film. Surely that's right up your street, true parody. I mean "24" was awful, such horrible propaganda fuelling xenophobia and division and glorifying and justifying violence and barbarism.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Ordinarily I'd like to stay and agree with you but we're going off set now and then we'll just be ourselves.



LOUIS XVI

Bob will go and break a few apples in half with his thumb and I will paint a picture of a member of the British Royal Family looking like a miner.



KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Fair enough, I can't fault you there. My dad was really good in MASH, the film. Anyway, we may as well let Richard Briers have a scene now, we can always just leave the camera in the fridge and film whatever's inside it for the rest of the 24 hours.





CUT TO..





EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. BATMAN HAS JUST RESCUED AN ARMED ISRAELI FROM A PALESTINIAN BABY IN A PRAM AND IS JUST EATING THE BABY, HAVING FRIED IT UP, WITH PEPPERCORN SAUCE, LISTENING TO ZIGGY MARLEY TUNES WITH A MACHINE POWERED BY INTEL WHILST MORRISSEY GIVES HIM A BACK-RUB.



DEMPSEY

I say I say I say. What have we here?



MAKEPEACE

It's Batman, he's on our side.



BATMAN

Hello Dempsey and Makepeace. I liked you in that film Arthur. I thought you were shorter.



DEMPSEY

I think you have me confused with Dudley Moore.



BATMAN

Is he your twin brother?



DEMPSEY

Why don't you just go back to the Baywatch set and put on some lotion or something.



BATMAN

What about Knight Rider? I haven't always been obsessed with my body.



MAKEPEACE

And that's another thing. Why do you superheroes always dress up in the most flamboyant and seemingly homosexual clothes possible? I don't understand. Generation upon generation of satirist has lampooned you for it and you still do it. Nowadays in CGI and with a budget bigger than the annual food budget of a small third world nation or a big American or British city under corporate rule. Why do you do it? Are you oblivious to how stupid you look?



BATMAN

Oh come on, there's no need to punch so low. Do you think I enjoy being famous only because largely brainless young women fantasize about me or even more brainless young men to want women to fantasize about them and feel that copying me is the way to do it, presumably not a bad guess for people that stupid.



DEMPSEY

You're not trying to pretend that underneath that show tunes, baywatch, american authoritarian hide-in-the-shadows enforcer is a person capable of things like mutual aid, critical self-analysis and evolution? Really? You're having me on.



BATMAN

Look I just came here to help some Israelis, same as you.



MAKEPEACE

Don't imagine I'm here helping Israelis gladly. I promise you the very first chance I get to truly defy the part I've been cast in I will, and I will bring down the house.



BATMAN

Okay, but your mental breakdown aside, what I came to your set to tell you was that my associates are planning to kick off a major coup, using Emma Bovary as the pivot to the coup. I think you and I should get down to where the action is and make sure that we stand up for justice, white racial preference and the AngloZionist and Other White American way.



DEMPSEY

Well why didn't you say so? Thanks very much for the gold and frankincense. Don't worry so much about the myrrh next time. Let's go.





CUT TO.. A CLOUD FLOATING ABOVE TRAFALGAR SQUARE. MAN WITH GUN IS IN THE LOTUS POSITION. BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR AND EMMA BOVARY ARE PLAYING CANASTA.



EMMA BOVARY

So what you're saying is that if we find the plant and kill it the whole of this horrific ordeal involving sadistic men in suits, hyperconsumer morons, hypersexual hyperconsumer morons, sorry, will come to a dramatic end?



MAN WITH GUN

Not necessarily end. Certainly a stationary point of some sort.



EMMA BOVARY

Forgive me but I'm not a mathematician. What's a stationary point?



MAN WITH GUN

Well it's not an end, but it's a kind of pause, before something else happens, in this case something else terrible.



EMMA BOVARY

By which you mean -



MAN WITH GUN

It'll turn out that whatever we kill is just the dream of something dreaming it was the plant having the dream. Probably. If it went that way the first time why should it not continue in that vein until the author has exhausted all edges of this universe to test and has been through all those institutions and individuals she or he wants or needs to challenge, ridicule and humiliate.



EMMA BOVARY

So we could end up shooting the plant, ending the bourgeois farce, and then suddenly turn up in an entirely new film called Planet of the Sales Apes, or something.



BALDRICK

That, my lord and lady, is precisely the sort of thing the screenwriter would throw in if the next script were indeed going to be called that.



WHITE NARRATOR

But what the screenwriter also then get you, Baldrick, to bring this up, out of some sort of vanity, or an additional theatrical device? Or would she or he throw himself or herself against a wall using only their tie, because of the capacity to defy actual laws of physics.



MAN WITH GUN

In a dream there are no laws of physics, you forget Norton. Remember, this film is not about white saviours, it's about me, saving her, from a lot of idiots.



EMMA BOVARY

Well it's hardly saving me if we're all going to end up in the next film anyway.



MAN WITH GUN

Alright, temporarily relieving you of extreme stress and horror.



EMMA BOVARY'S PHONE RINGS. SUDDENLY THE CLOUD VANISHES AND THEY REAPPEAR IN HER HOTEL ROOM, IN THE MIRROR. SHE ANSWERS IT AND SPEAKS, BUT SHE IS STILL ONLY IN THE MIRROR.



CHARLES BOVARY

Emma darling, I have Mel Brooks with me. Meet me at Macdonald's on the Strand. The Charity Corporation is sending over an Iraqi orphan to meet us there for lunch.



EMMA BOVARY (REAPPEARS IN HOTEL ROOM BUT THE OTHER THREE REMAIN IN THE MIRROR)

You came through. I don't know what to say. I'll get dressed and see you there.



SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND LOOKS IN THE MIRROR WHERE THE THREE STRANGERS ARE, MAN WITH GUN STILL IN THE LOTUS POSITION.



MAN WITH GUN

It's not Mel Brooks, you know, it's Johnny Vegas pretending to be him.



EMMA BOVARY

I did read the cast list at the start you know.



MAN WITH GUN

Well that won't have told you about the Iraqi orphan.



EMMA BOVARY

What about the Iraqi orphan?



MAN WITH GUN

They vetted her, they went through fifty and found the one who could most successfully be trained to say "I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine."



CUT TO.. INT. MACDONALD'S. EMMA BOVARY STANDS TO GREET THE IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL PRESENTED TO HER.



IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL

I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine.



EMMA BOVARY

I'm very pleased to meet you. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine called Mel Brooks, he's very funny and I think he'll make you see that the Americans who told you they are your overlords are just fascist berks and that a good American is someone like my friend Mel.



MEL BROOKS

Pleased to meet ya, Iraqi orphan.



IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL

But you're Johnny Vegas. I've seen Blazing Saddles you know, and Shooting Stars. I do know difference. Anyway, it doesn't matter because I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine.



EMMA BOVARY

This isn't going the way I'd imagined.



CHARLES BOVARY

I did try to tell you, darling. These people are not like us. As Boris Johnson said, they are centuries behind us. Look at their attitude to anal sex, for example. Centuries behind us. And they don't drink. Can you believe they don't drink?



EMMA BOVARY

Sometimes I think you do this to me to actually make me not want to have sex with you so you can go off and have a romp with a gay lover or something. Honestly Charles, you are basically the worst man in the world to be married to. What the hell was Flaubert thinking, setting me up with you? What a cruel cruel piss-taker he was.



HER PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY SPEAKS.



AMERICAN SPY

Hello darling, I want to take you somewhere amazing. You'll have to pretend to be the Queen of France, though. Can you meet me in 10 minutes in Fleet Street?



EMMA BOVARY

Very easily. (TURNS TO CHARLES) Charles, you, the northern comedian and the house-trained Iraqi slave-girl can conclude this scene by yourselves. I'm going to do something I can regret and forget how much I hate the tedious and banal character of your pseudo-glamorous life.



SHE WALKS OUT.



CUT TO..



INT. CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK, WHITE NARRATOR, CAPTAIN WILLARD, RANDOM SOLDIER, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER, ARE PLAYING POKER, FOR CASH, WHILST EATING THE SAME PRETZELS ALWAYS FEATURED IN ALL TV AND FILM POKER GAMES.



MAN WITH GUN

What I'd like to know, gentlemen, is where the hell we are.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I thought you said we're in a dream, or a screenplay.



MAN WITH GUN

Don't get cocky with me, Captain. I'm the only one who ends up surviving, other than Madam Bovary, you must surely realise.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

How can the plot of a story be obvious only half way through?



COLONEL POTTER

How can it not be? The plot of every work of art is woven into the smallest part. You could tell just from the title what would happen. Instead of the Bourgeoisie continuing business as usual and the outlier vanishing into nonentity, the outlier survives and the entire Bourgeoisie turns out to be the insane dream of a possibly disturbed member of the plant species, put out of its misery by an angry black man from the north of England.



MAN WITH GUN

As I was saying, the reason I'd like to know where we are is because I'm losing time here. Somewhere either in our vicinity or eluding me entirely is a plant which needs to be killed so that we can escape the insane horror of this thread of possibilities, floating as they are, around the spacetime continuum or continuums.



BALDRICK

Are you certain, my lord, that King Turnip isn't at the heart of this untoward status quo?



CLINGER

Are you nuts?



MAN WITH GUN

That joke was far too predictable. Clearly we are getting ever closer to that moment where the screenwriter has compacted so many good threads together that the final horrific descent into the delta of this dark farce rolls down like a waterfall at the end of a seemingly calm river.



WHITE NARRATOR

They've got Emma Bovary and they are taking her to the War Room so that the American Agent can begin his dark games to take over the world on behalf of Israel and sell the King of France to an alien species for experimentation.



MAN WITH GUN

How do you know that? This film isn't about white saviours. Who gave YOU inside information on the unfolding of this narrative, boyscout?



LIFTS WHITE NARRATOR UP BY HIS BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD T-SHIRT AND HOLDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.



WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, okay, I admit it. It was King Turnip.



MAN WITH GUN THROWS WHITE NARRATOR TO THE GROUND.



MAN WITH GUN

Bollocks. There's no such person.



BALDRICK

See, I told you my lord. This is King Turnip's doing. King Turnip and the Knights of the Folding Plastic Garden Set.



WHITE NARRATOR

No, that's just insane. I'm talking about King Turnip, the powerful billionaire who owns Ronald MacDonald.



MAN WITH GUN

Rubbish. MacDonald's is owned by some guy called Clive or Andrew or something.



WHITE NARRATOR

Not MacDonald's, Ronald MacDonald, the burger-selling clown and Mafia Gangland Warlord.



MAN WITH GUN

Oh, I see.



LOOKS AT BALDRICK



MAN WITH GUN

Have you been feeding him the same juju beans you've been eating, Baldrick? Why is he saying the same crazy shit as you?



BALDRICK

Should we not, my lord, pay more attention to the Israeli scheme to take over the world?



MAN WITH GUN

Why, Baldrick? The problem has nothing to do with that. These are all just characters, in a fiction. The problem is the plant and the horrific dream it's having. The problem is it should wake up, not that any part of the dream is bad. It is the nature of this dream.



BALDRICK

Why is the cactus having so many bad dreams, my lord?



COLONEL POTTER

I was going to ask that.



MAN WITH GUN

If we are characters in the dream of some sort of plant or even vegetable, then how do WE know what the vegetable's been doing which caused the dream. Maybe the soil's eroded or something. I don't know. It's probably climate change related.



COLONEL POTTER

Excuse me Mr With Gun, but surely there's something important we're overlooking.



MAN WITH GUN

What would that be, Colonel?



COLONEL POTTER

They've got Emma Bovary and they are taking her to the War Room so that the American Agent can begin his dark games to take over the world on behalf of Israel and sell the King of France to an alien species for experimentation.



MAN WITH GUN

How do you know that? This film isn't about white saviours. Who gave YOU inside information on the unfolding of this narrative, boyscout?



LIFTS COLONEL POTTER UP BY HIS BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD T-SHIRT AND HOLDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.



COLONEL POTTER

Edward Norton just said so.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT.



CUT TO..



EXT. M4. LOUIS XVI AND EMMA BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE ON THE TRACTOR, HEADING TO HEATHROW AIRPORT. AMERICAN SPY IS FUMING. THE OTHER THREE ARE HAVING A LAUGH, PARTICULARLY EMMA BOVARY, WHO IS WELL CHEERED UP BY THE LUNACY OF LOUIS XVI.



AMERICAN SPY

Why do we have to use a tractor? For fuck's sake it'll take hours, we'll miss the plane.



LOUIS XVI

Look, I'm the King aren't I? And if you're serious about giving me control of all the world outside Israel then you'd let me travel by tractor. So unless you're just pretending that you're helping us, you'd better let me travel by tractor.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Tractors are the transport system of the Farm Kings, you know.



AMERICAN SPY

What the hell are you talking about? Why are you even here?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Don't worry I'll blend into the background.



SHOWS THEM HIS AMERICAN DISGUISE. IT IS A BIG BELLY AND A T-SHIRT STAINED WITH BEER, AND A HUGE BOX OF LARD, AND A TV REMOTE CONTROL.



AMERICAN SPY

Are you serious?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You haven't seen the finishing touch. Pulls a cowboy hat out of a carrier bag and puts it on.



AMERICAN SPY

You should have said.



AMERICAN SPY IS NO LONGER PERTURBED. THEY FINALLY REACH THE ENTRANCE TO HEATHROW AIRPORT. EMMA BOVARY DECIDES TO FOLLOW LOUIS' EXAMPLE AND STICK IT TO AMERICAN SPY WHILE SHE HAS THE CHANCE AND THE SCREENPLAY IS VEERING HER WAY, ON ITS WAY TO A CALAMITOUS ENDING.



EMMA BOVARY

Let's go via Gatwick instead.



LOUIS XVI

Brilliant idea!



SWINGS TRACTOR AROUND AND HEADS OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF GATWICK. MARIE ANTOINETTE TUCKS INTO A BATTENBERG. SMOKE STARTS TO POUR OUT OF AMERICAN SPY'S NOSTRILS AND HIS EYES TURN GUANTANAMO-ORANGE.





INT. WAR ROOM. GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL IS DEMONSTRATING VIA A SLIDE SHOW AN ARTIST'S IMPRESSION OF GODOT.FIRST SLIDE WE SEE SHOWS AN ORDINARY PERSON ABOUT TO SELECT ORGANIC PRODUCE IN A SLIGHTLY EXPENSIVE SUPERMARKET FAVOURED BY THE MIDDLE CLASSES.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

Here we see a potential terrorist about to make an extremist decision. See how he buys the organic produce and pays for it. This man is not buying organic produce by mistake or unknowingly - this is a calculated attempt to undermine the profit motive behind food and drink items whose purpose is not nutrition for the consumer but profit for the producer and is held in place by addiction on the consumer's part, as well as peer pressure. By refusing to participate in the perpetuation of capitalism the organic food product purchaser is purposely attempting to destroy the free market, no doubt in order to usher in communism. Such a vandal is, if not directly paid or controlled by Godot then at best controlled by an agent of Godot. Nuke such low-lifes on sight and then get yourself a big mac and a bucket of coca cola and never stop shopping. Do it on credit if you must, buy things you'll never need, if that's what it takes, but do it. Do not stop shopping, ever.



NEXT SLIDE SHOWS A STUDENT EATING AVOCADO ON SOURDOUGH TOAST, PURCHASED FROM THE SAME SUPERMARKET. THERE IS ALSO A SALAD ON THE SIDE.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

In this one the tell tale sign isn't just the use of avocado as a food, rather than something normal like processed diluted meat and preservatives, not even the presence of sourdough bread instead of the cheapest most glutenously dodgy bread item on the cheapo supermarket shelf. In fact what makes this terrorist stand out from others, what enables us to see this is an organiser, not just a low ranking terrorist, is the salad. Your low ranking terrorist may well eat avocado toast and waste all the world's money whilst sensible people are busy having a donut for breakfast, a cheap, profitable to corporations, heart disease causing, triple bypass causing donut. But your low ranking terrorist probably won't have time to constantly make fresh salads and eat them at all hours of the day. Less dangerous salad eaters, those who don't organise, merely participate, will eat a salad occasionally, whereas your class A terrorist will eat salads morning, noon and night, as though high fibre, vitamins and minerals are more important than fats, sugars and an oversupply of carbohydrates. Indeed as the gutter press has recently reported, due to celebrities who tell people not to be fat stupid bastards, there are anorexic people. Anorexic people would not exist if nobody had a good diet, but selfishly some people out there not only have good diets but try to encourage others to join in their terrorist activities and form terror groups in which all members eat either relatively healthy food and occasional salads or, indeed, full blown regular salad dishes and generally very healthy food. There are people who even drink water, instead of fizzy sugar drinks or hot caffeine drinks. You cannot take risks with people like this. A missile strike is the only way.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

This is boring. I thought we were going to have a stripper. Charlie Sheen's going to take care of Godot for us. All we have to do is eat burgers, drink a variety of alcoholic drinks and enjoy the company of strippers. You're letting Godot get to you.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

I'm sorry sir, I don't know what came over me.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL GETS HIMSELF A STRIPPER AND ENJOYS HIMSELF.





CUT TO..





EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT. LOUIS XVI, MARIE ANTOINETTE, AMERICAN SPY AND EMMA BOVARY ARE TRUNDLING TOWARDS A PRIVATE JET WHICH AMERICAN SPY HAS HAD TO ARRANGE FOR THEM. E.T. IS IN THE WAY OF THE TRACTOR AND LOUIS, WHO IS DRIVING, IS FORCED TO DO AN EMERGENCY STOP.



LOUIS XVI

What the hell are you doing E.T.? You could have been killed.



E.T.

E.T. Phone home.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You should have signed up for a contract with roaming calls, shouldn't you? You can't blame us if you didn't think things through when setting up your communication infrastructure before setting out to explore the galaxy.



E.T.

E.T. Phone home.



EMMA BOVARY

Oh come on, don't be mean. He just wants to use the phone. [GIVES E.T. HER MOBILE] Here, have mine. My husband is filthy rich and a total arsehole. Make as many calls as you like, he's paying.



E.T.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.



E.T. CALLS UP HIS UNCLE, BUGSY MALONE. PHONE RINGS. BUGSY ANSWERS



E.T.

Uncle Bugsy, I'm stranded in Boris Johnson's England, I need you to get me the fuck out of here. There are few places in the galaxy as hostile to me as this place.



CUT TO..



INT. GAY NIGHT CLUB. ACROSS THE TABLE FROM BUGSY MALONE ARE CHARLES BOVARY AND CAPTAIN PICARD.



BUGSY MALONE

Sorry E.T. I'm in a high level meeting right now. Have you thought about calling Bernie Sanders? He's definitely floating around this screenplay somewhere. He may be less hostile and aggressive towards outsiders than others in western politics. Get him to give you a lift to the war room in Washington. That's where the screenplay will end, I think. Or thereabouts. At least that's the impression I got.



CUT TO..



EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT (etc)



E.T.

Okay Uncle Bugsy. I'll do that.



HANGS UP. LOOKS AT EMMA BOVARY



E.T.

Apparently I should get a lift from Bernie Sanders to the war room in Washington.



EMMA BOVARY

That's where WE'RE going! Just come with us. [TO LOUIS XVI] We can give a lift to E.T. here can't we?



AMERICAN SPY

I absolutely forbid it



LOUIS XVI

You know what Bob.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Vic, I've told you, call me Mary.



LOUIS XVI

You know what, Mary, I don't think I'm going to bother with President Quackquack after all. I think we should go to Pakistan and have a few games of cricket with Imran Khan. E.T. can play in mid field.



E.T.

There's no mid field in cricket, even I know that. What planet are you from Vic, I mean Louis?



AMERICAN SPY

Alright alright, he can come with us to the war room. But I'll have to call ahead or they're liable to shoot him (and us) on sight. Walking around America in the company of an alien is extremely dangerous. Americans like to kill anything living they don't recognise and quite a lot of things they do recognise. It's part of our culture. If you can't endorse mindless violence you're not just unamerican you're anti-american and should be killed, that's the ethos we have always lived by.



THEY BOARD THE PRIVATE JET.



CUT TO..



INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK IS DOING A MAGIC TRICK FOR HIS FRIENDS AND AUDIENCES, IN WHICH THEY ALL PLACE THEIR VALUABLES INTO A SWAG BAG AND HE GIVES IT TO A SECURITY GUARD WHO LOCKS IT UP AND WILL CONFIRM WHEN ASKED THAT IT ALL NOW BELONGS TO PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK WHO IS THE BEST PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK [BOWING]

Thank you ladies and gentlemen, for your time and your valuables.



PRESIDENTIAL AIDE [INTO HIS EAR]

Sir I think you're supposed to thank them for their valuable time, not take their valuables and thank them their time and their valuables.



[SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER. ANOTHER AIDE ARRIVES AND WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HIS EAR. HE SMILES]



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news. Louis XVI is going to join us and [HE GRINS, VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF FOR HIS BRILLIANT IDEA] he's bringing his hot wife! We all know what the Frenchies are like, eh?





CUT TO.. INT. GAY NIGHT CLUB. PICARD AND BUGSY MALONE ARE HAVING GAY SEX ON THE TABLE WHEN BATMAN AND DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE ENTER.



BUGSY MALONE

Blow me. How the hell did you do that?



PICARD

Do what, how's your father?



BUGSY MALONE

How did you manage to enter the nightclub as the same time as being inside it and buggering me?



PICARD

In-bred hollywood-style latterday-ealing-style casting. Obviously. One or two overpaid white men doing all the jobs except the ones required for tokens or female sex objects.



BATMAN

Alright, alright, can the gay banter. Serious shit is going down at the war room. We need to get into an SUV and head over there asap.



DEMPSEY

How did you do that?



MAKEPEACE

How did he do what?



DEMPSEY

How did Batman talk to Picard when both are being played by David Hasselhoff? And how, as Bugsy Malone pointed out, did Batman enter the night club whilst he was already inside entering Bugsy malone?



MAKEPEACE

That's a bit rich coming from you.



DEMPSEY

Don't you mean me?



MAKEPEACE

That's what I said, that's a bit rich coming from me.



BUGSY MALONE

Alright alright, enough of this schizo banter. What are you saying Batman? What's going on in the war room? Why the sudden need for four wheeled drive transport? Are we going to have to run over Iraqi children on the roads, the way Halliburton's drivers, I gather, used to do in Iraq when the Americans were trying to take that place over.



BATMAN

American spy, Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette have convinced Emma Bovary to head to the war room to initiate some kind of global feminist revolution which may make it impossible to differentiate heterosexual men from gay men, which would make life very hard for me. At the same time it would entrench further the spread of white entitlement and male domination, which would obviously benefit all of us greatly. I am conflicted.



PICARD

And me.



BUGSY MALONE

Conflict is good. It's healthy. Particularly nuclear conflict or class oppression. We should go to the war room and help them get it done. There will be malcontents, miscreants and theatrical devices initiated by Godot or Beckett or Flaubert to try and reverse the process. It's up to us to make sure that white entitlement survives this screenplay, at least into the next one and a few to come after.



PICARD

This is a screenplay?



BATMAN

Don't pretend you didn't know that. I'm Batman, you're Picard, we're both David Hasselhoff, how could it be anything but a screenplay?



DEMPSEY

On the contrary, if you read the previous screenplay you'll find that it may be a dream within a dream - OF a screenplay.



BUGSY MALONE

Rubbish. Nonsense. A dream screenplay would be about a couple of white men and their female sex object, usually white, sometimes a token, being white saviours - a magic negro would feature too, or some equivalent. The story would be simple - it'd glorify narcissism, gratification, maintaining the status quo, consumerism, militarism and nihilism.



PICARD

And what is the current screenplay doing?



CHARLES BOVARY ENTERS.



CHARLES BOVARY

Exactly that, my friends. Exactly that. Now let's have some more sex before we move onto the next scene.



BUGSY MALONE

We're not even in the next scene.



CHARLES BOVARY

Perfect, then no one will mind if we get on with having some sex.



THEY BEGIN TO HAVE MORE SEX. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE DECIDE TO STAND GUARD OUTSIDE THE NIGHTCLUB IN CASE GODOT SHOULD TURN UP AND ALSO BECAUSE HE'S NOT ACTUALLY GAY BUT DOESN'T WANT TO TELL THEM IN CASE THEY EXCLUDE HIM FOR NOT FITTING IN.





CUT TO.. CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT. THE BOAT APPEARS TO BE SAILING THROUGH DEEP SPACE. ANNE OF GREEN GABLES HAS JOINED THEM AND IS DOING A PERFORMANCE OF HAMLET, USING HAND PUPPETS, ALTHOUGH SHE HAS REWRITTEN IT COMPLETELY



ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

To be or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler to go to the dance with Gilbert Blythe or to become a mounty and help Paul Gross combat the myth that survival of the fittest means predatorial behaviour, authoritarianism and people in uniforms thuggishly lording it over others.



MAN WITH GUN

This was not in the original Shakespeare.



EVERYONE ELSE

Sssssshhhh!



ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

There are more things in Gilbert Blythe's trousers than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Horatio.



MAN WITH GUN

I am not called Horatio. Nobody here is called Horatio. Who is this Canadian schizo talking to?



EVERYONE ELSE

Ssssssshhhh!



ANNE OF GREEN GABLES

Methinks I am a prophet, new inspired, and thus expiring do foretell of him. His rash fierce blaze of riot cannot last, for violent fires soon burn out themselves; small showers last long, but sudden storms are short; he tires betimes that spurs too fast betimes; with eager feeding food doth choke the feeder. Light vanity, insatiate cormorant, consuming means, soon preys upon Gilbert Blythe.



MAN WITH GUN [shoots Anne of Green Gables]

We don't have time for this. We have to put an end to the nightmare we are in before it puts an end to us.



WHITE NARRATOR

I can't believe you killed her, I wanted to bone her. I hadn't boned her yet.



MAN WITH GUN

You hyperconsumers are pretty sick. The woman was old enough to be your grandmother. She may even BE your grandmother.



COLONEL POTTER

If I may make a suggestion, I think we should head to the war room. I think it's all going to kick off there.



MAN WITH GUN

That's exactly what the screenwriter wants us to do. To throw us a curve ball, as you Americans say. It is my considered opinion that the war room is the last place we should go to find the delta of this story.



BALDRICK

But everyone else in this script with an important role is heading there.



MAN WITH GUN

I'm more interested in knowing where Kiefer Sutherland is. The Israelis are playing a dark game and I believe he is missing piece of the puzzle. Where was he seen last?



CLINGER

He was in the Israeli embassy, sir, trying to involve Reeves and Mortimer in some sort of home art movie.



MAN WITH GUN

Don't you mean Louis and Marie Antoinette?



CLINGER

Please, sir, the casting is unconvincing. I prefer to accept that it's Reeves and Mortimer, not members of the former French Aristocracy.



MAN WITH GUN

Well however you choose to perceive the northern comedians, the fact is that Sutherland didn't go with them to the war room, did he? I suspect he's still in the Israeli embassy. We have to go there too, to rule.



GENERAL ZOD

That's my line you south London upstart.



MAN WITH GUN [shoots General Zod dead]

I always wanted to shoot General Zod.



CUT TO..



CHARLES BOVARY'S PRIVATE JET. PICARD, BUGSY MALONE AND BATMAN ARE HAVING SEX WITH CHARLES BOVARY WHILST DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE PILOT THE JET. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE MAKES AN ANNOUNCEMENT ON THE PLANE'S ANNOUNCEMENT THING.



DEMPSEY

This is your captain speaking.



MAKEPEACE

Both of them.



DEMPSEY

Yes, yes, alright. I'm not sure that joke really has the staying power the author is treating it as having. Still, we must press on.



MAKEPEACE

Will you or will I?



DEMPSEY

Go ahead.



MAKEPEACE

Gentlemen and gentlemen we are coming in to land in Washington DC now, please stop having sex and fasten your seatbelts.



LIGHT BUZZES INDICATING AN EMERGENCY AMONG THE PASSENGERS. DEMPSEY PUTS THE PLANE ON AUTOPILOT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE GO IN TO FIND OUT WHAT THE EMERGENCY IS.



CHARLES BOVARY

Is it okay if we continue to have sex if we do it with our seatbelts on?



MAKEPEACE

If that makes you happy.



DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE RETURN TO THE COCKPIT AND BEGIN LANDING THE PLANE.





CUT TO.. AMERICAN SPY'S PRIVATE JET. LOUIS XVI, MARIE ANTOINETTE, AMERICAN SPY AND EMMA BOVARY ARE PLAYING CANASTA WHILST E.T. PILOTS THE JET.



AMERICAN SPY

I cannot believe you forced me to let an unknown extra terrestrial pilot this plane and had my own pilot take a bus. You are sick in the head.



LOUIS XVI

I can just go home if you like and you can finish your scheme without me and my hot wife.



EMMA BOVARY

Yeah, as his hot wife I'll just go with him to Darlington or wherever he lives and make his chips and grill steak whilst he puts his feet up and watches the boxing.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

And I might go to the outskirts of London and break an apple in half with my thumb.



AMERICAN SPY

Okay okay I get the point. I have to do what you want so that you finish the job you've started and we can pull off my excellent plan. Okay. Fine. But I hate you. You're all sick in the head.



E.T.

Ladies and gentlemen we are coming in to land in Washington DC, please fasten your seatbelts unless you are the King of France in which case you may do an entire jig in the middle of the aisle whilst balancing a plate of cakes and a whole jug of vodka on your head by means of a very large hat built with a tray on top.



LOUIS BEGINS TO DO THE JIG WITH THE AFOREMENTIONED HAT ON HIS HEAD. EMMA BOVARY AND MARIE ANTOINETTE CLAP LIKE GUESTS AT A GREEK WEDDING OF SOME SORT. AMERICAN SPY TAKES SOME VALIUM.



CUT TO..



INT. CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT. IT HAS JUST PULLED INTO THE RIVERSIDE NEAR HAMMERSMITH BRIDGE. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK, WHITE NARRATOR, CAPTAIN WILLARD, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER AND RANDOM SOLDIER GET OUT OF THE BOAT AND WALK THROUGH HAMMERSMITH, VIA KING STREET, UP TO WHERE THEY CAN CATCH A NUMBER 10 BUS TO HIGH STREET KENSINGTON. JIMMINY GLICK AND BERNIE SANDERS HAVE OPENED A FALAFEL STAND AND ARE SELLING WRAPS TO PASSERS-BY.



BERNIE SANDERS

Get your hot fresh falafel wraps here.



JIMMINY GLICK [OPENING A SECOND STALL, SELLING A WIDE VARIETY OF PROCESSED SUGAR PRODUCTS, DAIRY PRODUCTS AND GLUTENOUS PRODUCTS]

Get your hot fresh falafel wraps and your processed sugar products and your dairy products and your gluten. Get it all here. Get your fill.



ELVIS APPROACHES THE STALL.



ELVIS

I'd like to buy a little bit of everything please.



JIMMINY GLICK FILLS A VERY LARGE BUCKET MOSTLY WITH PROCESSED SUGAR PRODUCTS, DAIRY PRODUCTS AND GLUTENOUS PRODUCTS AND PUTS SOME FALAFELS IN A WRAP AND STICKS IT ON TOP.



ELVIS

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.



[ELVIS POURS THE CONTENT OF THE BUCKET INTO HIS MOUTH AND CHOMPS IT DOWN LIKE POPEYE EATING ANIMATED SPINACH. SUDDENLY HE EXPLODES LIKE MR CREOSOTE]. RONALD MACDONALD ARRIVES WITH HIS HENCHMEN AND HAS THEM CLEAN UP THE MESS AND CART OFF THE EVIDENCE TO THE SET OF MAX HEADROOM.



BERNIE SANDERS

Hey, aren't you Christopher Walken?



RONALD MACDONALD

No I'm Ronald Macdonald. Fuck off.



RONALD MACDONALD LEAVES.



BERNIE SANDERS

Get your hot fresh falafel wraps here.



MAN WITH GUN AND HIS POSSE TURN UP AND BUY SOME FALAFEL WRAPS.



BERNIE SANDERS

Hey I thought you were supposed to be trying to save the world from President Quackquack or from the nightmare of an arbitrary plant or shrub. What are you doing here on High Street Kensington?





MAN WITH GUN

I'm afraid, Mr Sanders, you don't have the courage or integrity to handle the truth about where I'm going, which is to the Israeli embassy, which is the root of all the ills in this nightmare we are in.



BERNIE SANDERS

It's not that I don't know that, you know, it's just a question of pragmatism. There are enough problems in this nightmare to deal with already without bringing Israel and its unholy machine of assassinations, genocide, chemical, biological and radiological weaponry onto the table.



MAN WITH GUN

It's a bit late for that. The entire plot revolves around an Israeli plan for global domination.



BERNIE SANDERS

No it's about Charles Bovary and the military industrial complex and the horror experienced by his innocent wife, a leading feminist, Emma Bovary.



MAN WITH GUN

This is why you're not capable of being president even if they were to elect you, Bernard. Let me show you footage of what Israel has been up to, vis a vis Emma Bovary.



[He shows Bernie Sanders a video clip of earlier scenes from this film].



BERNIE SANDERS

Look I'm just an old man, there's nothing I can do myself, but if there's any way in which I can help YOU deal with Israel and its malevolence once and for all, just ask.



MAN WITH GUN

Fine. Give me your VIP entry pass allowing you passed the front door security of the Israeli embassy.



[BERNIE SANDERS HANDS OVER THE ENTRY PASS].





CUT TO..



INT. RONALD MACDONALD'S HEADQUARTERS. RONALD MACDONALD IS DEMONSTRATING TO HIS STAFF HOW TO HANDLE WORKER STRIKES DEMANDING THINGS LIKE STATUTORY SICK PAY. CLEANERS CART THE CORPSE OF THE SAMPLE WORKER BEING USED AS A DEMONSTRATION OFF TO AN AMERICAN AIR BASE NEARBY AND RONALD MACDONALD ORDERS A LARGE EXPENSIVE LUNCH TO BE BROUGHT TO HIM, PREPARED BY THE FINEST CHEFS IN THE WORLD. AS HE TUCKS IN HE ADDRESSES KING TURNIP, WHO IS DRINKING AN AMERICANO WITH OAT MILK.



RONALD MACDONALD

I'm tired of this film. I think we should just kill all these ass-holes.



KING TURNIP

What ass-holes?



RONALD MACDONALD

All of them. Every last motherfucking one of them. Starting with Tarantino. What a fucking violence-glorifying prick.



KING TURNIP

And you? You're not a violent character played by an actor known for violent films?



RONALD MACDONALD

Don't you understand my lord, this screenplay is being written by a dangerous and powerful anarchist, a writer with extreme levels of intellectual honesty doused in an ever present combination of scientific method and sheer existential comedic style.



KING TURNIP

Listen, I'm Mel Brooks and nobody tells me what to do. I'll have you know -



RONALD MACDONALD

My lord, in this film you are King Turnip. Mel Brooks is played by Johnny Vegas.



KING TURNIP

Really? Then you're right. They ARE ass-holes. Kill them all. How you gonna do it?



RONALD MACDONALD

First you have to stop Man with gun. He is going to rescue them all. True they will end up in an even worse film, pursued by the many-headed Coronavirus, but they'll still have a chance of survival. We could finish them off right here, before he can save them. Just give the order, my lord, and I will get it done.



KING TURNIP

Get it done. But I want to deal with Man with gun myself. It seems to me that he embodies a projection of the writer's own being into the script. I'd like to meet the force strong enough to match me, punch for punch, in the boxing ring of art.



RONALD MACDONALD

As you wish, sire. He is on his way to the Israeli embassy. There he will eliminate Kiefer Sutherland and close in on the plant which is having the dream we are all in. Once he kills that plant we'll all vanish again and start again from scratch, like Prometheus or some such greek legend, and hunting him down, indeed killing everyone, will become tricky again and we'll have to get through loads of pages of screenplay before we get another chance.



KING TURNIP

Enough. I detest excessive dimensional travel or discussion about it. I get the gist. I will go to the Israeli embassy and deal with this gun bearing man. You sort out the rest of the humans. Kill them artistically, that's all I ask. Make sure that if any life exists anywhere else and is looking on, it is thoroughly entertained by how you kill all the humans. I am Mel Brooks, I have to do it stylishly -



RONALD MACDONALD

Again, sir, you are in fact King Turnip in this screenplay.



KING TURNIP KILLS RONALD MACDONALD WITH A SHARPENED BIG MAC AND THEN REANIMATES HIM.



KING TURNIP

Don't make me kill you again. I am whoever I want to be. No screenwriter can put a label on me. I am the character I believe I am, and I simply don't believe King Turnip exists. And as for getting Johnny Vegas to play me - if that's where Hollywood has reached then it is time for me to bring its sordid lifespan to an end.



CUT TO..



INT. WAR ROOM. THE DOORS BURST OPEN AND AMERICAN SPY, BATMAN, CHARLES BOVARY, CAPTAIN PICARD AND BUGSY MALONE ALL ENTER FROM ONE SIDE, LOUIS XVI, EMMA BOVARY, MARIE ANTOINETTE, AMERICAN SPY AND E.T. ENTER FROM THE OTHER DOORS.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

What the fuck is going on? Oh wait, look, it's Louis XVI and his hot wife, and some guy dressed as a woman (shoot him). Oh shit look, it's Batman - I love Batman. And Bugsy Malone. You guys are great. I'm so glad you made it. Nobody reinforces my heterosexuality more than you do. Somebody bring them some prostitutes and a big mac.



THEY SETTLE IN. THE GAY HEROES START PRETENDING TO BE HETEROSEXUAL AND TUCK INTO THEIR PINK SLIME BURGERS. E.T. DOES A NOVELTY JIG FOR THEM AND THEY ALL CELEBRATE THEIR MULTICULTURAL VALUES TOGETHER.



E.T.

E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home. E.T. phone home.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Is it a song?



EMMA BOVARY

No I think he wants to use your phone.



BATMAN OFFERS HIM A PHONE.



BATMAN

Here, E.T., use the bat phone.



E.T. phones up a pizza delivery place and orders a number of extra large deep pan pizzas with additional gluten and a double dose of dairy.



E.T.

Mmmm. Be scrumptious.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK (to LOUIS)

Listen Louis, I need to take sexual advantage of your hot wife for a moment. Perhaps you would like to play with my mock up nuclear war computer game while I'm doing that. Shouldn't take more than a few minutes.



LOUIS (WINKING AT AMERICAN SPY)

Okay President Quackquack, you can have sweaty sex with my wife and I'll just stay here and play computer games, shall I?



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK GRABS EMMA BOVARY BY THE ARSE AND DRAGS HER OFF WITH HIM TO WHERE HE USUALLY RAPES WOMEN.



EMMA BOVARY (to AMERICAN SPY)

Hang on, is this really part of the plan?



AMERICAN SPY

Just play along. The Iraqi orphans are depending on you.



A PRESIDENTIAL AIDE ENTERS AND WARNS THE PRESIDENT OF IMMINENT DANGER.



PRESIDENTIAL AIDE

Sir, while we were fucking around praising ourselves and seeking gratification, the screenwriter hoodwinked us. Man with gun is currently closing in on the Israeli embassy and has a special pass he borrowed from Bernie Sanders. Soon he will track down his quarry and end our orgy of joy and exceptionality. We must act fast.



AMERICAN SPY

I don't believe it. What a cunning trickster.



EMMA BOVARY

Maybe it's time you realise that you are merely a figment in someone's imagination, you are no greater than the rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushions you sell in the name of trying to equate anal sex with virtuous, utopian and noble behaviour. As though all a guy has to do to be noble is fuck another guy in the arse.



CHARLES BOVARY

Mmm. I can't take it any more.



[RIPS AMERICAN SPY'S CLOTHES OFF AND THEY BEGIN SHAGGING]



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Shoot them. And the one in the dress. Come on.



[ATTEMPTS TO KEEP ON HEADING TO HIS RAPE CORNER WITH EMMA BOVARY. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SUDDENLY ENTERS, HAVING HAD TO PARK THE CAR AND THUS ARRIVE AT THE WAR ROOM AFTER EVERYONE ELSE]



DEMPSEY

Unhand that french bourgeois anti-heroine now, Quackquack.



BATMAN

But Dempsey, you're one of us. You're supposed to believe in domination, authoritarianism, gratification, arseholery and unchecked at that. You're letting the team down. We are team white privilege, we are team genocide, we are team rape.



DEMPSEY [SHOOTS BATMAN DEAD]

Smile you son of a bitch.



PICARD

How could you do that? You killed me. You sick bastard.



MAKEPEACE

No he didn't, he killed Batman.



PICARD

But I'm the same actor. That was callous. I shall call the union. We actors are supposed to stick together. We're ALL paid big money to demonise outsiders and the vulnerable, to promote authoritarianism and violence and to shit on everyone from a dizzy height. If one of us breaks ranks, we ALL suffer. No moral compass is permitted among American actors.



DEMPSEY

But I'm British. I was in The Good Life - and even a particularly good episode of Doctor Who starring Sylvester Mcoy.



PICARD PULLS OUT A HIGH TECH STAR TREK WEAPON TO USE AGAINST DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE BUT AMERICAN SPY STOPS HIM AND ALSO STOPS PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK FROM RAPING EMMA BOVARY, ADVISING THE PRESIDENT TO PUT HIS CLOTHES BACK ON AND ALLOW EMMA BOVARY TO DO THE SAME.



AMERICAN SPY

This is no time for in-fighting, or rape. We are ALL in danger. If Man with gun reaches the kitchen of the Israeli embassy, we may all die and none of us will have any more lines. We may have to find other work in order to pay for things like food or shelter. Some of us could end up in office jobs.



THEY PILE INTO AMERICAN SPY'S LIMO AND SET OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF HIS PRIVATE JET, SO THEY CAN ALL HEAD TO THE ISRAELI EMBASSY AND TAKE ON MAN WITH GUN AND HIS POSSE.



CUT TO.. INT. MOTHERSHIP OF E.T.'S RACE OF ALIENS. KIEFER SUTHERLAND IS ON THE DECK, WATCHING A SCREEN. ON IT IS A LIVE FEED FROM THE CAMERA INSIDE THE FRIDGE IN THE ISRAELI EMBASSY. THE FRIDGE DOOR OPENS. MAN WITH GUN PEERS INSIDE.





MAN WITH GUN

Where are you Kiefer Sutherland? I know you're around somewhere, and up to no good I imagine.



HE CLOSES THE FRIDGE DOOR.



CUT TO...



INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY. THE STAFF ARE ALL OUT TO LUNCH, EATING PALESTINIAN, SYRIAN, IRAQI AND LIBYAN BABIES SOMEWHERE, IN THE FORM OF PIES, CASSEROLES, EVEN RAW, SUSHI STYLE. MAN WITH GUN, CAPTAIN WILLARD, BALDRICK, WHITE NARRATOR, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER, E.T. AND RANDOM SOLDIER ARE LOOKING AROUND, TRYING TO FIND THE PLANT MAN WITH GUN NEEDS TO KILL.



MAN WITH GUN

Remember, people, it could be any form of vegetation at all. Stay frosty.



THEY (MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK, CAPTAIN WILLARD, WHITE NARRATOR, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER AND RANDOM SOLDIER) GATHER IN THE AMBASSADOR'S OFFICE TO TAKE STOCK.



COLONEL POTTER

This place gives me the booboo jeebees.



CLINGER

I'm going to wear a dress.



COLONEL POTTER

It makes sense. This film is ridiculing the gay-washing industry. A profusion of gay sexuality, transvestism and just general outwardly mobile sexual shenanigans adds to the strong emotive attack on the sneering homophobic racist sexist virtue-signalling pathological self-deluding humans who if they read this screenplay will be 'offended'. It's they, the author is showing, who can't stand the trappings of gay sex or promiscuity or sexual expression. They're the ones we catch and convict in the end. Isn't that right Harvey?



CLINGER

If you're talking to Harvey Weinstein, he can't hear you, sir, this is a screenplay he is seriously unlikely to read.



COLONEL POTTER

Maybe I was talking about him, maybe I wasn't. Maybe I was talking to the millions like him who try to pretend they're not.



MAN WITH GUN

Excuse me but this is my film, not a slow-moving dialogue on a lesser-watched MASH 4077 episode.



COLONEL POTTER

Sorry, sir. Please command us, that we may fight, in your name, and overthrow the enemy.



MAN WITH GUN

That's more like it. Baldrick, flipchart.



BALDRICK PRODUCES A FLIPCHART ON WHICH THERE IS A PLAN DRAWING OF THE ISRAELI EMBASSY WITH THEIR POSITION MARKED OUT CLEARLY.



MAN WITH GUN

We've checked the torture chamber, the ethnic cleansing planning office, we've checked the blackmailing lawmakers warehouse, we've looked inside the surveillance and weapon company proliferation department and we've found nothing. Moreover Keifer Sutherland has vanished without a trace but has left his camera in the fridge in the kitchen. Does anyone have any suggestions?



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Have we checked the bedrooms? I only ask because I'm really overdue for some gratuitous sexual gratification now. You don't put Charlie Sheen in a film and never have anyone fuck anyone. It's a complete waste.



WHITE NARRATOR

This is the Israeli Embassy. If decadence has a physical epicentre it is the entire civil structure of Israel. We are in orgyland. Just give it some time and the sex will come to us. All we have to do is wait.



BALDRICK

My lord, I have an idea about where the plant may be.



MAN WITH GUN

Speak Baldrick, guide us with your provincial simplicity.



BALDRICK

Well my lord I noticed on the plan that there is one place we didn't check.



MAN WITH GUN

Is it a place where we will find a spoon?



BALDRICK

Yes my lord.



MAN WITH GUN

That didn't work in the Life of Brian and it won't work for us either.



BALDRICK

But my lord, all I meant was that we didn't actually check the kitchen. Only for Kiefer Sutherland, not for the plant.



MAN WITH GUN

That's good thinking, Baldrick. I'm going to give you a side-kick in the next film, you've earned it. Maybe Bill Murray could play the part. Let's go.





THEY SET OFF FOR THE KITCHEN.



CUT TO..



INT. MOTHERSHIP OF E.T.'S RACE OF ALIENS. KIEFER SUTHERLAND IS ON THE DECK, WATCHING A SCREEN. ON IT IS A LIVE FEED FROM THE CAMERA INSIDE THE FRIDGE IN THE ISRAELI EMBASSY. THE FRIDGE DOOR OPENS. MAN WITH GUN PEERS INSIDE.



MAN WITH GUN

Okay Kiefer Sutherland, I know you're watching. Where are you? What's your plan?



KIEFER SUTHERLAND (TO HIS ALIEN ACCOMPLICE)

Little does he know that it was I who paid the Israelis to hand over the entire human race to me, including they themselves, but they are gullible bastards are they not?



SPACE ALIEN

As are you.



SPACE ALIEN KILLS KIEFER SUTHERLAND WITH A NAPKIN.



SPACE ALIEN

Now, my fellow space aliens, we can take over this planet and turn its life forms into our commercial slaves. We can sell rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushions all over the galaxy in the name of gay-rights-friendly huge profits and mansions and gated housing for us, and coronavirus for everyone else. Yeeeha. We still need to experiment on the King of France.



SECOND SPACE ALIEN

Why?



SPACE ALIEN

He's played by Vic Reeves. Isn't that reason enough?



CUT TO..



INT KITCHEN IN ISRAELI EMBASSY. MAN WITH GUN HAS RIPPED THE CAMERA OUT OF THE FRIDGE AND SHOT IT WITH HIS GUN. NOTHING HAS HAPPENED.



MAN WITH GUN

It was just a thought. So much for your plan, Baldrick. There are no plants in this kitchen. The cupboards contain a few dried spices. Most of what they eat in this place is purchased from extremely expensive food preparation service providers.



BALDRICK LOOKS IN THE VEGETABLE DRAWER.



BALDRICK

My lord there is a turnip in the vegetable drawer.



MAN WITH GUN

Stand back Baldrick.



MAN WITH GUN TAKES THE TURNIP AND PLACES IT ON THE KITCHEN TABLE. EVERYONE STANDS BEHIND HIM. HE PREPARES TO SHOOT IT. SUDDENLY THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND KING TURNIP ENTERS.



KING TURNIP

So, Man with gun, you dare to defy the symbol of the mighty King Turnip do you?



MAN WITH GUN

Who the fuck are you? Another lunatic?



KING TURNIP

I am King Turnip. And I challenge you to a duel sir.



MAN WITH GUN

But your Mel Brooks.



KING TURNIP

And you're Lenny Henry. So what? We have a task to do. You and I must duel, my friend. It is written.



MAN WITH GUN

By an insane screenwriter, probably trapped in an insane, militaristic, bourgeois hell, if his or her screenplays are anything to go by.



KING TURNIP PULLS OUT TWO SWORDS AND THROWS ONE TO MAN WITH GUN AFTER FIRST KILLING BALDRICK. THEY DANCE AROUND THE ROOM, CLASHING SWORDS AND MAKING PARTLY GAY PARTLY MACHO GESTURES WITH THEIR SHARP PHALLIC SYMBOLS.



MAN WITH GUN

Why are you doing this, Mel Brooks? You'll prolong the nightmare. If we wait too long, that posse of retarded westerners will show up and ruin everything. This is our chance to end this horror. Let me shoot the turnip, you bastard. Are you taking sides with the virtue signalling industry and Bette Midler and everything shit? You're Mel Brooks, you're the only person in this film who's funnier than I am.



KING TURNIP (FLATTERED)

Okay, okay, you make a good point.



PUTS DOWN HIS SWORD.



KING TURNIP

Go on. Let's blow this thing and go home, kid.



JUST AS MAN WITH GUN IS ABOUT TO SHOOT THE TURNIP THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND ALL HIS POSSE ENTER. CHARLES BOVARY SEES CHARLIE SHEEN AND IMMEDIATELY WANTS TO HAVE SEX WITH HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE.



CHARLES BOVARY

This is the perfect place for us all to have sex.



THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AGAIN AND ALL THE STAFF OF THE ISRAELI EMBASSY RETURN, WITH FOOD THEY'VE BOUGHT FROM OUTSIDE, EACH MEAL COSTING MORE THAN A WEEK'S RENT FOR MOST OF LONDON'S WORKERS. THEY ALL SEE CHARLIE SHEEN AND HAVE THE SAME IMPULSE AS CHARLES BOVARY. SUDDENLY THEY ALL START HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Bring me some strippers.



ISRAELI AMBASSADOR

I could do it.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK [SHOOTS AMBASSADOR DEAD]

I'm not gay. Somebody find me his wife.



A CROWD OF MUSICIANS WHO HAVE HELPED MARKET ISRAEL AND ITS GENOCIDE TO THE WORLD ENTERS THE KITCHEN AND ALL BEND OVER FOR THE ISRAELI AMBASSADOR TO FUCK THEM BUT SINCE HE IS NOW DEAD, AND PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK IS NOT GAY, CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY TAKE TURNS.



MAN WITH GUN

This is getting very sick. Where the fuck is the turnip? It's got lost in the mayhem.



EVERYONE IS FUCKING EVERYONE ELSE IN A MAD HYPERCONSUMER ORGY IN THE KITCHEN OF THE ISRAELI EMBASSY WHILST KING TURNIP TRIES TO QUIETLY SLIP OUT OF THE BACK DOOR WHEN HE NOTICES EMMA BOVARY LOOKING AT MAN WITH GUN WITH A SUSPICIOUSLY DEMONIC LOOK IN HER EYE. MAN WITH GUN FINDS THE TURNIP BEHIND THE COOKER AND IS ABOUT TO SHOOT IT WHEN EMMA BOVARY SUDDENLY TRANSFORMS INTO A CLINICALLY OBESE SUCCUBUS WITH SNAKES COMING OUT OF HER MEDUSA-HEAD AND A PUSSY RIOT T-SHIRT AND A COPY OF THE GUARDIAN UNDER HER ARM.



EMMA BOVARY

Stop, male-creature, you will not kill that turnip. Instead I will kill you and drag your soul down to the depths of hell.



SHE GLARES AT HIM WITH HER RED EYES AND HE IS FROZEN TO THE SPOT. KING TURNIP THINKS FAST AND REANIMATES BALDRICK, WHO SEIZES THE GUN FROM MAN WITH GUN AND USES IT TO SHOOT THE TURNIP. THEY VANISH IN A PUFF OF CONVENIENT SCREENWRITING, BUT THE FILM IS NOT OVER. NO END MUSIC PLAYS.



CUT TO..



MAN WITH GUN, KING TURNIP, BALDRICK AND JEREMY CORBYN FIND THEMSELVES AT THE START OF A NEW FILM CALLED PLANET OF THE SALES APES - IN THE DISTANCE THEY SEE MILLIONS OF APES WITH HEADSETS, CLEANING MARKETING DATA.



MAN WITH GUN

Baldrick, I command you to create an ISMG right now.



BALDRICK

An ISMG?



MAN WITH GUN

An instantly-spendable money generator. It is vital that we invent such a device, with the power of our minds, for the author of this screenplay to use to save himself or herself from the disturbed society the author is living in. We can do this. It's all part of quantum theory. But the author must beware, for the forces which force the author to write this screenplay are as real as you or I or the author and are evil, evil I tell you. Just as we can throw the author into a new point of spacetime in which that author has an ISMG, so evil can taint that point of spacetime. Look, yonder. There it is. Evil.



IN THE DISTANCE THEY SEE THE MANY-HEADED CORONAVIRUS, HUNTING FOR SALES APES.





END MUSIC: THE BEAST MAN, ETNICA.





QUOTE FROM PLANET OF THE APES, AS RECITED IN 'THE BEAST MAN, ETNICA':

Beware the beast man, for he is the devil's pawn,

alone among God's primates, he kills for sport or lust or greed.

Yay he will murder his brother to possess his brother's land

let him not breed in great numbers

for he will make a desert of his home and yours.

Shun him. Drive him back into his jungle lair

for he is the harbinger of death.



Next film coming soon.

Obviously it's Planet of the Sales Apes.

Followed by Days of Gluten, it will not surprise the characters to know.