Home   |         NEW: (hypothetically starring) VIC REEVES as LUKE SKYWALKER .. in "Waiting for Godot, the hollywood version".

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Thrust of argument: So the comedy writing continues. Previous working copy trail begins here. Direction of resistance / implied resistance: What is an election without proper satire?

 

 

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Removal of resistance: If Hislop and co are too gutless and whipped and whored to money by their corporate pimps to do it, then I shall. (I just saw a video in which David Mitchell was bitching on LBC about his belief that destitute children, destitute adults, the underprivileged, the out of work, people discriminated against because of their race or gender or class, are ruining comedy. Apparently politics is ruining comedy. Apparently self-amusement is not as fun for Mitchell any more because too many people with problems are insisting that society deal with those problems and that satirists and artists use their talents in the way they should and no longer work as telesales people and self-amusing tossers no longer call themselves comedians).

You see, David Mitchell, or merely 'David' as my friend Helen (whom I should clarify is "non non-white") (and indeed a faithful loyal Israel supporter, a Christian Zionist, I suppose) (and "white", as I said) (and just so you are truly horrified, you must understand she is a professional working in industry, young, educated, no doubt perceived as elite, with a job in the area of 'innovation', indeed, for a major company) (so you can't hide from the fact that she is a pretty good example of one of your fans, of middle England) once referred to you as in an argument, arguing in your defence when I criticised a Guardian article, I think it was, you had written - I was criticising it for its neoliberalism - we'll get to her shortly - but I say this to you David Mitchell - our society and evolution depends on mutual aid. If you want money for your jokes, they need to contribute to our society, rather than simply being royal variety jokes you get paid for. Clown around on your own time, not at society's expense. You are standing in the way of satirists, who need to mock those you don't mock, so that society receives (in exchange for the 'money' a comedian earns) its share.

Helen believed that AIDS is a punishment from "God" on "black people" for - and these are her words - for "needing to be civilised by the white man". I'm sure you'd prefer it if she were attacking you and I defending you. Anyway, "David", the fact is that you need to ridicule people like Helen, like Blair, like Hodge, like Johnson - all of them - properly - you need to ridicule Guardian writers, you need to ridicule the bulk of the press, and almost all 'comedians' - but you don't. I, on the other hand, do. Please read on for some examples. I'm sure you'll find the point you made now fully rebutted and must think of another excuse for being a cowardly toe rag. So go on, think of it. Come up with more excuses. Don't stop to use comedy for the benefit of society, use it for self amusement and as a cash machine. Do read more on mutual aid if you want me to stop ridiculing you. Or stop using the position of public commercial 'joke maker' to waste society's time and hand over the microphone to people who make jokes the way Swift and Hogarth did - for the benefit of us all. As part of the evolutionary journey, not an episode of Benny Hill.

On another occasion I can go over the last 10 years, which you lament is the period during which people have become no fun, and look at what has happened to people less privileged than you, to their lives, to their daily needs, to their mood, to their future, in that time, unnoticed by you in your privilege bubble. But not right now. That's easy work. It's sad you're too lazy to do it yourself Mitchell, so I'll do it later. But first, someone must educate people on the necessity for satire. Step aside Benny Hill. Nobody's interested in your innuendo or clown act. They want to laugh at the people fucking their lives up. Indeed, at you. Do you have any idea what has been going on outside your gated media-money-fed life, to the many, over the last 10 years whilst you, and a few others, have remained entirely oblivious and sheltered? No, of course you don't. Well I'll have to publish all that info on this page later, but right now it is more important to give people the comedy you have singularly failed to give them, you and all the other Royal Variety performing clowns.

I think Emma Bovary must be read with a French accent, for the best delivery of the screenplay below:
Unification: Hunting of the Snark / Godot 2 / Madam Bovary, the neoliberal version/remake

POTENTIALLY STARRING: CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD, JOANNA LUMLEY as EMMA BOVARY, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as AMERICAN SPY, VIC REEVES as LOUIS XVI, BOB MORTIMER as MARIE ANTOINETTE, EDWARD NORTON as WHITE NARRATOR, KERMIT THE FROG as HIMSELF, LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN, BERNIE THE AGENT as HIMSELF, JOHNNY VEGAS as MEL BROOKS, MEL BROOKS as KING TURNIP, TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK, ANTOINE DE CAUNES as CHARLES BOVARY, ENOCH POWELL AS BORIS THE BARBARIAN, RICHARD BRIERS as DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE, ANT AND DEC as ELVIS, DAVID LYNCH as JIMMINY GLICK, BERNIE SANDERS as BERNIE SANDERS

EXT. RIVER BOAT. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS TRAVELLING BY BOAT THROUGH SOUTH ASIA AGAIN, ACCOMPANIED BY SOLDIERS.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I didn't know why I was in this film. Everybody had died in the previous one. And besides, it wasn't parodying anything in particular, my being here was entirely random - arbitrary. But one thing was obvious. Godot was not dead. How could he be? He was probably the screenwriter. I updated my Facebook page to inform my fans that the reason so many white people become hysterically afraid at the sound of the phrase "Jeremy Corbyn" was because his fairness and accountability heralded the beginning of the end of white entitlement and white racial preference. Rachel Riley blocked me. The first like I got came from Madam Bovary. I knew this was not by chance but by the screenwriter's design. So Beckett was going to rewrite Flaubert now. I thanked my lucky stars he had chosen Bovary and not the legend of St Julian the Hospitaller.

RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir! We've reached Guam now.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

Guam. Always Guam. Was it because it had one of those names which sounds good on film? Probably. Even Godot was a sucker for vanity. I knew that the answer to my problems lay there. Somehow I could exploit Godot's vanity and stop him before the no doubt horrifying tale of Madam Bovary were to unfold in its entirety. Being Charlie Sheen, I decided the best thing I could do to save Bovary would be to give her a good seeing to (consenting, of course - I'm not one of THOSE American soldiers, I'm the one who deals with THOSE American soldiers).

RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir, I don't understand. Would you like me to kill someone?

CAPTAIN WILLARD (TO SOLDIER)

No no, I was just talking to the audience. I'm the narrator. It pays well.

CUT TO..

INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT.

WHITE NARRATOR

People always ask me if I know Jeremy Corbyn. Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero. Do you have a speech for the occasion?

MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film Norton.

WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -

MAN WITH GUN

(punches him again)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film, whoever you are. So keep your Stanislavskian crap to yourself. This film is not about white saviours.

CUT TO.. INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON WHERE LOUIS XVI HAS, HAVING BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A MAD ISRAELI SCIENTIST, A SECRET BASE, WHERE HE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE LIVING, PREPARING FOR A NEW FEUDAL AGE THEY INTEND TO BRING ABOUT THROUGH A CUNNING PLAN.

LOUIS XVI

Listen love, soon you will be able to eat all the organic cake products your heart desires, for I have a plan now, I know how I am going to regain control of France and in fact the world, thanks to our Israeli friends.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Israel? Surely you must not take control of Israel or that would be ungrateful. They have killed and nobbled so many people on your behalf, indeed it was their ethics-free scientists who brought you back to life with their lovely Day-of-the-zombie Weinstein 5000 machine!

LOUIS XVI

No love, I will not take over Israel, just the rest of the world. Don't you want to hear my plan?

MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm sure it's a lovely plan. I want to hear more about those cakes. Will they have chocolate icing? I love chocolate icing. Particularly if it is flecked with little pieces of white chocolate, with vanilla which has come from some location marketing companies know everyone will put their faith in.

LOUIS XVI

Listen, I'm the King. You're just the Queen. Now shut up and listen to my plan. It's a great one. You should love it. It's a feminist plan.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Oh I do love your feminist plans. I enjoyed your feminist revival of Thatcher. The slogan "women have a right to exploit and kill and be labelled heroes" was a masterpiece. Imagine if only men were allowed to receive praise for things like genocide. Since we were granted this privilege we are truly a more well treated gender. What's the new plan?

LOUIS XVI

In a word, Bovary. Emma Bovary. I'm going to get her to carry out a feminist revolution in which the planet is renamed Vagina World and I will be its King.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Surely such a world would need a Queen?

LOUIS XVI

Get with the times, love. Take a look at the Guardian, the head of western feminist thought management - it promotes control of the world by a few extremely powerful men and their wives. Same as you and me. We're proper feminists.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

That's brilliant then, Vic. I mean Louis. What are you waiting for? Get hold of Emma Bovary and start your 'revolution'. I'm just going down the shops. We've run out of Battenbergs again. I know you love em with your tea.

LOUIS XVI

I like my Battenbergs.

CUT TO..

INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT. WHITE NARRATOR, MAN WITH GUN AND BALDRICK ARE PLAYING CLUEDO.

BALDRICK

I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the drone warfare centre, with the computer keyboard.

WHITE NARRATOR

You know, man with gun, I really don't think this kind of contest is macho enough. We need to be bare fisted, rolling around on the ground and sweating.

MAN WITH GUN

My dear Norton, this is not a porn film. This is an existential study of the failings of the latterday bourgeoisie.

WHITE NARRATOR

So was fight club.

MAN WITH GUN

No it wasn't. It was a mindless sexist macho sensationalist bunch of shit with a seemingly 'clever twist' at the end. Just another American male far up himself, revelling in his own sophistry, calling that sophistry dissent.

WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, but it paid well. I'm not even getting paid for this.

MAN WITH GUN

That's because this film isn't real. Nothing is real. We are figments of the imagination of some sort of plant.

BALDRICK

I thought it was King Turnip who was responsible for all this, my lord. After all, in the last film you killed me and now I'm here again. Surely only King Turnip with his magic powers could bring me back to life. And besides, you must have killed the plant in the last film, so it can't be the plant dreaming, can it?

MAN WITH GUN

It's very simple, Baldrick, I killed the wrong plant. I killed a cactus which the plant dreamt it was - ie it dreamt it was dreaming - it imagined itself to be a cactus. In reality it is some other plant. Probably in a pot, on a windowsill. We're going to have to hunt it down again.

WHITE NARRATOR

Yeah, well I think it was Miss Scarlett in the propaganda production facility at Guardian Newspaper Headquarters, with the racist neoliberal bilge intended to drive blind support for racist genocidal interventionist politics, accidentally causing far right numbers to swell so high that it turns into a Brexit and blows up in her face.

CUT TO..

INT. HOME OF CHARLES BOVARY. DULL CEO BY DAY. SECRET GAY NIGHT CLUB OWNER BY NIGHT. WHILE CHARLES OSTENTATIOUSLY ADDS NEW ACQUISITIONS TO HIS STAMP COLLECTION, HIS WIFE IS UPSTAIRS IN HER BEDROOM, ON THE PHONE TO HER LATEST LOVER, AMERICAN SPY, A SENIOR MARKETING EXECUTIVE AT THE CHARITY CORPORATION OF AMERICA, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER ALSO AN ISRAELI SPY WHO HAS BEEN RECRUITED TO TRICK HER INTO CONVERTING HER PENT-UP RAGE, BORN OUT OF THE FUTILITY AND BANALITY OF HER SITUATION AND THE WORLD SHE LIVES IN, INTO CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ON A SCALE NEVER WITNESSED BY THE HUMAN RACE BEFORE.

AMERICAN SPY

I'm tired of the world of marketing and charity. I've rolled out my last rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushion in the name of gay consumer rights, I want to do more for the world. More than I've already done, absurd though that may seem. Let us make this film about you and me, Emma. Let me raise you to the highest heights - and help you overpower the world. You can revolutionise the way humans think - and live happily ever after.

EMMA BOVARY

But the book doesn't end that way. Flaubert was taking the piss out of us, not holding us up as Roman or Greek heroes to worship. This film is a farce and if you really think you can change that, you're stupider than I thought. But that's okay, sweetheart. I like you for your body not your mind.

AMERICAN SPY

Well we'll rewrite it. That's the modern way. Take anything humans have ever done, good or bad, and remake it in an arbitrary way which suits our immediate commercial needs.

EMMA BOVARY

What sort of revolution?

AMERICAN SPY

The Vagina revolution. We will change this planet's name to Vagina World.

EMMA BOVARY

The whole planet?

AMERICAN SPY

Well except Israel, of course.

EMMA BOVARY

How exactly can we start a revolution?

AMERICAN SPY

You are Emma Bovary. You have a lot of popularity among middle class hyperconsumers across the world, you are a cultural artefact, one of those things western humans and their serfs in many grovelling conquered outposts are most proud of is historical artefacts with famous names. They tend to know, on average, next to nothing about the aforesaid artefacts but are nonetheless able to, in their own minds, assign to them some sort of generative property - which all by itself yields intellectual culture and progress in any individual who is even sitting in the pub nearby having a pint of lard and some pork scratchings.

EMMA BOVARY

So it's my marketing power, really, which you think we can capitalise on. I'm not sure I like that, but I am very bored, so tell me more.

AMERICAN SPY

Well, first we're going to do a charity run.

EXT. SWAMP, DAY. KERMIT THE FROG IS PLAYING HIS BANJO AND SINGING, NEARBY BERNIE THE AGENT IS BOATING.

KERMIT

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong wait and see. Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and -

[GUN-SHOT RINGS OUT AND KERMIT'S HEAD IS BLOWN OFF HIS SHOULDERS.]

MAN WITH GUN

Sorry Kermit, this film isn't about you or about making millions of people happy. This is a sick farce about the meltdown of human society. This is about the real world.

BERNIE THE AGENT

Was that REALLY necessary?

MAN WITH GUN

Don't ask me, ask the screenwriter.

[SHOOTS BERNIE THE AGENT DEAD]

CUT TO..

INT. SPORTS CAR. EMMA BOVARY AND CHARLES BOVARY ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT THE IMMORAL NATURE OF CHARLES' JOB AS HEAD OF MARKETING FOR THE EXPLOITATION CORPORATION AND HIS LATEST PROJECT TO ROLL OUT FOURTEEN MILLION NOVELTY RAINBOW-COLOURED STYLISED-TURD-SHAPED CUSHIONS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIRTUE SIGNAL IN ORDER TO OPEN UP NEW MARKETS AND INCREASE PROFITS.

EMMA BOVARY

When I married you I thought you were a charismatic, strong-willed and free-minded individual, and glamorous and interesting. In reality all you really have is wealth and might. You are a snake oil salesman and from dawn to dusk all you do is exploit and harm, with a smile on your face and a dirty thought in your head.

CHARLES BOVARY

That is simply not true, I am a very kind man at heart, it is the world which is evil. Ask Nicholas Cage in that film about the virtues of genocide. Even the Times of Israel has, albeit very briefly, praised genocide. Look, there's a hotel. Why don't we stop for the night?

EMMA BOVARY

It's lunch time. And no. I refuse to have sex with you until I have resolved this moral problem. Now talk. What can we do to fix your satanic and evil nature?

HE BEGINS TO MAKE AN OBVIOUSLY SLEAZY SUGGESTION.

EMMA BOVARY

No, I'm not interested in your lazy and ignorant narcissism right now. I want a change to happen. Corbyn style change. Real change. What's it going to be?

CHARLES BOVARY THINKS HARD. HE HAS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE. HE KNOWS THERE ARE MEN FAR MORE WORTHY OF EMMA BOVARY THAN HE AND IF SHE GOES ALL HIS WEALTH AND POWER MAY NOT BE AS ENJOYABLE. HE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE AND DOESN'T WANT TO RISK IT.

CHARLES BOVARY

Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we find you an orphaned Iraqi child, and do something nice for them.

EMMA BOVARY

That's just cheap and nasty. No. Not unless -

SHE HAS AN IDEA. CUT TO..

INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND A GROUP OF WHITE AND TOKEN RACISTS WHO BELIEVE IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS AS AN AXIOMATIC DOCUMENT ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR NEW FRIEND BORIS THE BARBARIAN.

BORIS THE BARBARIAN

So I said: "but you're a bloody scotsman so why don't you sod off!"

APPLAUSE FROM QUACKQUACK AND HIS COURTIERS.

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Let's sing a hymn now. Hymn number 90210, all things on my credit card.

THEY SING.

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Amen. So, Boris. Tell me more. Godot is back and on the loose again, you say. This is troublesome. I don't remember how it ended last time.

[ONE OF HIS AIDES EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT THEY ALL DIED AND GODOT TURNED OUT TO BE A MYSTICAL FORCE BEYOND THEIR COMPREHENSION, PROBABLY EXISTING IN AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE AS DIMENSIONS BUT WHAT TO GODOT ARE MERELY STRANDS OF A DIFFERENT AND 'HIGHER' PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER.]

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

What I want to know is whether Louis the Sixteenth and his hot wife can come down and hang with us while we figure out how to kill Godot.

CUT TO..

INT. CHARLES BOVARY'S SPORTS CAR.

EMMA BOVARY

So what do you say?

CHARLES BOVARY

I don't even know Mel Brooks.

EMMA BOVARY

Rubbish. You can get hold of anyone you want. You are one of the most evil and powerful men alive today. There's almost nobody you can't unearth with a few threats to someone who owes you, or a bit of leaning on someone who's scared of you. Mel Brooks or divorce.

CHARLES BOVARY

Why Mel Brooks?

EMMA BOVARY

Introducing an Iraqi child who has been robbed of her entire family by worthless racist western scumbags to Mel Brooks can give that child back some kind of faith in humanity, some sort of understanding that even in the west, low and depraved though it is, there are great people who loathe those who behave the way she has been led by our actions and inactions to believe we are all taught to live.

CHARLES BOVARY

Alright alright, I don't need a lecture. I will get Mel Brooks. Now can we check into a hotel?

EMMA BOVARY

After I speak to Mel Brooks.

CHARLES BOVARY

Fine. Turn on the car phone will you, dear. I'd better call my secretary.

CUT TO..

EIGHTIES' AMERICAN TV DETECTIVE DRAMA SET. JIHADIS BEAT WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN, FROM ITALIANS TO JAMAICANS, GATHER TOGETHER IN GANGS AND KILL SECURITY GUARDS AND POLICEWOMEN TO PASS THE TIME. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS WALKING ALONG WITH A YOYO, LOOKING TO DEAL WITH WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE ANTI-WHITE VILLAINY, IN THE NAME OF PROVING THAT AUTHORITARIAN FORCE IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH NON WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS.

DEMPSEY

I really don't think the screenwriter has ever even seen a single episode of this show, it just had a famous name and he probably Googled it and was amazed at the sheer calumny it embodies, a typical boorish western establishment racist, classist, fascist demonisation of non white people, muslims, socialists, civilians (rather than police, security forces, armies and others with 'the right to kill baddies') and others. Very blatantly. He would never have watched such crap. Have you read the Waiting for Godot screenplay? This writer has some taste. Do me a favour. He doesn't even know which one of us is the American one and which is the English one.

MAKEPEACE

Well it doesn't matter, it's the same actor, isn't it?

DEMPSEY

Yes, I like that very much. I have a feeling the writer will merely write us as Richard Briers talking to himself, partly in an American accent, and will leave it up to us to decide which character, at any given time, has the American accent.

MAKEPEACE

I like that very much.

DEMPSEY

Would you like some tea?

MAKEPEACE

Yes, I'd love some.

DEMPSEY (POURS TEA)

I think that Makepeace sounds like the English name, it has a sort of rustic bizarreness about it. Dempsey sounds much more American.

MAKEPEACE

I would say the opposite; Makepeace has a weird American unorthodoxy about it, whilst Dempsey sounds like some fellow down the King's road.

DEMPSEY

Nonsense.

MAKEPEACE

Look, what if we both use the same accent, or both use different American accents?

DEMPSEY

But that wouldn't be faithful to the text.

MAKEPEACE

What text? The screenwriter is parodying the people who even watch Dempsey and Makepeace, and its writers, and the issue of parodying the show itself doesn't even come up - the writer, as you say, has probably never even watched it - I mean what an appalling show it is, sowing racist stereotypes and blind obedience to violent authority in the minds of the young and impressionable?

DEMPSEY

You've got a good point there, Makepeace, I say we both use my own normal English accent, a little bit Chiswick.

MAKEPEACE

No, I think I should do Boston and you should do Louisiana.

DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?

MAKEPEACE

That's it, that's it. You be Louisiana and I'll be Boston.

DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?

MAKEPEACE

Very humorous.

DEMPSEY

Oh give me a home where no liberals roam and the folks all think the same way, where each house has a gun, a big helluva one and strangers are told "make my day"..

CUT TO..

INT. GAY NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT. CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE SIPPING DRINKS IN A PRIVATE ROOM.

CHARLES BOVARY

Then she tells me she wants me to introduce Mel Brooks to an Iraqi orphan.

AMERICAN SPY (CAN'T CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER)

So where is she now?

CHARLES BOVARY

I left her with a "headache". Her desire to not have sex with me is definitely at an all time high.

AMERICAN SPY

So we have all night?

PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY ANSWERS IT.

AMERICAN SPY

Emma! What a surprise. I was just thinking about you.

CUT TO..

EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, ON THE PHONE TO AMERICAN SPY.

EMMA BOVARY

I've sent Charles to get hold of Mel Brooks for me, so we have all night if you want to meet me. You're almost as bad as he is. When's the last time we did anything but talk on the phone?

CUT TO..

CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY HAVE STARTED TO HAVE SEX.

AMERICAN SPY

Emma, darling, I hope you won't take this the wrong way but I have to take care of something before we can finish this conversation. Stay where you are. I will get to you as soon as I can, as fast as my feet can carry me. Don't move from where you are.

HE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND TELLS HIS GOOGLE VOICE-ACTIVATED THING TO PLAY THE BOLERO.

CUT TO..

EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, FEELING SAD AND DEJECTED, MARRIED TO A MAN WHO CHEATS ON HER, CHEATING ON HIM WITH A MAN WHO ALSO CHEATS ON HER, ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALISE THAT IT'S WITH HER OWN HUSBAND, DISILLUSIONED AT NEOLIBERAL AND RIGHT WING MODERN EARTH, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE NOTICES JIMMINY GLICK STARING AT HER FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR. HE IS NOT IN HER ROOM, ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT. JIMMINY GLICK IS EATING A CHAIR.

EMMA BOVARY

Aren't you David Lynch?

JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick. You're confused because Martin Short usually plays me. That's not important right now. What's important is the three strange men behind me.

HE WALKS AWAY AND SHE NOTICES MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE SITTING ON HER BED, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT, PLAYING POKER FOR THE SAME THREE OPENED PACKETS OF PRETZELS WHICH HAVE FEATURED IN ALL FILMS AND TV EVER, IN WHICH PEOPLE PLAYED POKER FOR PRETZELS OR WHILST EATING PRETZELS. MAN WITH GUN LOOKS UP AND SEES HER AND IS AS SHOCKED AS SHE IS.

CUT TO...

INT. HOTEL ROOM. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE PLAYING POKER FOR PRETZELS.

MAN WITH GUN

Look Baldrick, in the mirror. It's Emma Bovary. We shouldn't be sitting around wasting our time, we have a job to do.

HE WALKS OVER TO THE MIRROR.

MAN WITH GUN

Can you hear me Emma Bovary?

EMMA BOVARY

Who are you?

MAN WITH GUN (TO BALDRICK)

She can hear me.

MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Don't worry about who I am, I'm a friend. If you're Emma Bovary, sit tight, we've come to save you from Bourgeois Hell.

EMMA BOVARY

Finally, someone who understands. Who are you? WHERE are you?

MAN WITH GUN

Uh - not quite sure.

BALDRICK

I thought you said we're in the dream of a yucca plant.

MAN WITH GUN

It might be a fern Baldrick. Or anything. Probably a pot plant. You're being too specific. It could be any pot plant.

MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Do you have any pot plants nearby? Any unusual flora and fauna love?

EMMA BOVARY

So you're mad? So I'm caught between neoliberals, tories, entirely mindless advertising executives and a mad person?

MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not mad, I'm - look, wherever you are, you may be in danger. If there is a pot plant somewhere in your vicinity you must get away from it, or destroy it or something.

EMMA BOVARY

There's some daffodils in a vase.

MAN WITH GUN

No it would be a pot plant. If it's a vase you're okay.

BALDRICK

What about the fridge?

WHITE NARRATOR

I've checked, there's only beer.

EMMA BOVARY ALMOST JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN, SINCE WHITE NARRATOR IS NOW IN HER HOTEL ROOM.

EMMA BOVARY

Who the hell are you? Wait a minute. You're Edward Norton. Can I get your autograph, it's for, ahem, my daughter.

WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he's playing -

MAN WITH GUN PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND HE FALLS FLAT ON THE GROUND

EMMA BOVARY

What the hell?

MAN WITH GUN

It's alright, I think our meat-head friend there managed to break through some kind of spacetime barrier in to your part of the world we're trapped in which, you may want to take note right now, is the dream of a pot plant. No ordinary dream, a tormented dream beset with fear of apocalypse and the banality of evil.

EMMA BOVARY

Hence the choice of subject matter.

MAN WITH GUN

That's right. And we have to prevent the denegeration of this dream into the worst sort of meltdown imaginable. Last time we had to deal with nuclear and military meltdown. This time it's going to be worse, the author is clearly going to take it to a new level of horror, whatever that is.

EMMA BOVARY

I don't understand. Are we in a screenplay, as you imply with your mention of an author, or are we in the mind of a pot plant?

CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL AND INTO THE ROOM, WHERE IT GRINDS TO A HALT.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

We had this conversation already. I think it's a dream. We're all asleep and dreaming of being here, in this situation where someone is telling us that all of reality, even outside our dream, is a dream.

MAN WITH GUN

Not this time, Captain Willard. This is just the main dream, not a dream inside a dream.

BERNIE SANDERS ENTERS

BERNIE SANDERS

Hang on, hang on, if this is just the main dream, how did Willard get here, to urban Europe, from Guam, in that boat? Not just so fast, but how could the boat get into this room? Where is the water?

JIMMINY GLICK APPEARS AGAIN.

JIMMINY GLICK

I think I can explain that.

BERNIE SANDERS

You're David Lynch.

JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick, in the script. Let me explain -

THEY LEAVE, WITH GLICK EXPLAINING TO SANDERS WHAT HE FEELS MAY BE GOING ON IN THIS SCREENPLAY

EMMA BOVARY

Well that was odd.

BALDRICK

Forgive me for intruding, my lords and ladies, but I still think King Turnip may be behind all this and we would be well advised to get out of here and conceal ourselves from the Turnip Royal Guard, which will make us all into shrubberies, all of them forming, from an aerial view, a cleverly constructed agriculture-based image of infamous comedian and travel writer Michael Palin.

EMMA BOVARY

Again. Things are getting very odd.

MAN WITH GUN

You're telling me. We're doing another one, they told me. You're the main character, they told me. This time you, the non white anti-hero, save the rich white woman from horror and grief, and she's a real feminist too. And what do I find? First they force me to have Edward Norton shadowing my insanity at every move, to try and pretend that you can benefit from white privilege but also be against the white-privilege-centric establishment at the same time, Charlie Sheen is back, probably hoping to stick his unmentionables into anything which can wear underwear, temporarily of course, and now David Lynch and Bernie Sanders are trying to turn it into a party political broadcast.

EMMA BOVARY

I thought you said this was a dream.

MAN WITH GUN

I think it's a screenplay of a dream of a dream of a screenplay.

THE PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE VANISHES AGAIN EXCEPT EMMA BOVARY. SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE. AMERICAN SPY IS AT THE OTHER END.

AMERICAN SPY

Darling, I can't believe this is happening now, but I've just had an urgent call from Jimmy Carr asking me to help him figure out the best way for him to give charity to the bioweapons department of the Israeli military. I need to get hold of Deniro and talk to him, he remembers how I arranged that the last time. It's a lot of money. A LOT of foul mouth racist macho people spend their money on Jimmy Carr's professional imperial juvenility. You're going to have to manage without me this time.

EMMA BOVARY

But -

AMERICAN SPY

Sorry I have to go now. I'll call you the moment I've finished my work.

HE HANGS UP AND GOES BACK TO ROGERING CHARLES BOVARY.

EMMA BOVARY (TO HERSELF)

Why did he say professional imperial juvenility - a man as ignorant as him sees that as high satire, as attacks on the corrupt - whilst anyone of intelligence couldn't possibly compare Jimmy Carr's puerile machismo to the anti-establishment wit of Jonathan Swift, or even Vic Reeves on a good day, that's not the sort of thing these backward lovers of mine usually see to be the case. I don't understand. Something odd really is going on. Was I dreaming all those strange people?

MAN WITH GUN REAPPEARS, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR. THE OTHER TWO ARE NOT THERE, NOR IS WILLARD OR HIS BOAT.

MAN WITH GUN

No I don't think so. And I think the reason he spoke out of character is to do with Godot.

EMMA BOVARY

But Waiting for Godot was written a long time after Flaubert and has apparently nothing to do with Madam Bovary. What has Godot got to do with it?

MAN WITH GUN

I'm afraid this is the second film. You didn't see the first one. It was insane. Nukes flying. Fat dumb American presidents running around the world while the author played fast and loose with eighties stereotype-laden comedy and drama characters. Didn't end well. Tony Blair almost became involved. And even though the writer cut him out before the very end, it was still pretty much the most grim ending possible.

EMMA BOVARY

And you think this time it'll be even worse?

MAN WITH GUN

Logically there's no alternative possibility we can deduce to be probable. Is there?

EMMA BOVARY

No, I suppose not. And you say that if we find the right pot plant and eliminate it the whole show is over and Dawn French will spring up and do her best rendition of "Here comes the bride".

MAN WITH GUN

Yes, I think that's a pretty apt metaphor.

EMMA BOVARY PUTS ON HER COAT AND HAT AND PICKS UP HER HANDBAG AND SHE AND MAN WITH GUN LEAVE HER HOTEL ROOM.

CUT TO..

INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON. LOUIS XVI AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE EATING BATTENBERGS AND DRINKING CUPS OF TEA.

LOUIS XVI

TONY, TONY, I JUST GOT A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

I've told you before, Vic, you can't shorten Marie Antoinette to Tony.

LOUIS XVI

Why not? You called me Vic.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yes but that was a departure from the fiction, that was just a step into the world beyond the fiction, although under the circumstances it's hard to say in which direction the step moved. Anyway, it's not the same at all. You can call me Mary for short if you like.

LOUIS XVI

Alright Mary. So what should I do? Should I accept his friend request?

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Why not Vic? He's a nice bloke. Has his own set of golf clubs and a proper barometer. We may need to borrow either. I think the president would be a useful friend even if he is a bit of a racist genocidal maniac who's obsessed with sex and is only a gender-egalitarian insofar as he treats everyone with equal contempt and equally as nothing but a means to an end, regardless of gender, although gender may impact the ends involved or desired. I say go for it. You added Henry Kissinger, didn't you? How can you really sink any lower?

LOUIS XVI

I could. I haven't replied to Alistair Campbell yet.

LOUIS XVI ACCEPTS PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK'S FRIEND REQUEST AND THEN GETS A PRIVATE MESSAGE IN WHICH THE PRESIDENT INVITES LOUIS XVI AND HIS HOT WIFE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM IN THE WAR ROOM IN WASHINGTON.

LOUIS XVI

Mary, Mary, the President wants to meet me and my hot wife.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

You can't do that, Vic. You don't have a hot wife. Your wife is played by me and I'm hardly hot. I'm a man.

LOUIS XVI

Well if the president's gay then you might be hot.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Have you met the president? He's a proper village idiot dinosaur-man. Purely paleolithic. The fact that this screenplay is littered with gender shuffling and actors playing characters the wrong gender, interspersed with gay plots, would totally throw him. He's going to be pretty upset if you walk into the war room with a man dressed as a female french aristocrat.

LOUIS XVI

So what are we going to to Bob? I mean Tony. I mean Mary.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm thinking, Vic. I'm thinking.

MARIE ANTOINETTE THINKS.

CUT TO..

EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE MOST LIKELY CHARACTERISTICS OF HIS/HER SHOW.

DEMPSEY

So we know to begin with that there must be some sort of personality clash between the two police officers, there always is. In Due South you had the lazy one and the overzealous one. Generally speaking if you have two cops, the purpose of having two is that they argue with each other and take very different approaches, leading them to constantly bounce the plot in different directions.

MAKEPEACE

You're probably right but you're overlooking the most important characteristic - by essentially legitimising both proper, indeed over-zealous use of law and authority at the same time as improper, lazy or even purely delusionary methods, including abandoning things like the presumption of innocence, indeed due process, indeed civilised behaviour, the primary purpose of any cop show or similar is to remind civilians that authority-figures should, gladly, be given absolute power over all life which appears on their tv show.

DEMPSEY

You've got a point there, Makers old son.

MAKEPEACE

If you're doing the English accent then I have to be the woman don't I? I mean if you speak in an obviously English accent people will just assume you're Richard Briers and imagine you to be the male. So you can't call me old son.

DEMPSEY

Alright then, old girl.

MAKEPEACE

Personally I think the author's taking the whole sending up of the pantomime-like ostentatious exhibitionist nature of western 'gay rights' flag wavers, most of whom actually don't care about gay rights and aren't gay but need a whole armoury of virtue signals to use to cover their tracks as they plough on each day with genocide, ecocide and species-wide collective suicide, just a tiny bit too far.

DEMPSEY

How much is a tiny bit?

MAKEPEACE

Three or four hundred words. Not much in contrast to say a medium sized technical lecture by Chomsky.

DEMPSEY

But a lot longer than a tweet from the president of the USA.

MAKEPEACE

An advert for dog food would have more words than the average nugget of 'wisdom' from the Americans' infamous tweeting president. Words are not the president's strong point.

DEMPSEY

Does the president indeed have any strong points?

CUT TO..

EXT. GUAM. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS SOMEHOW BACK IN GUAM, STILL IN THE BOAT, WITH THE CREW, BUT NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF GUAM HIGH STREET, BY THE LOCAL TESCO OPPOSITE THE KRISPY KREME.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I had no idea what the hell was going on. I knew that the screenwriter was showing the audience that the president really did have a sort of 'strong' front end, which was me, but I wasn't sure if the author was, in fact, mocking me. Bouncing me around reality like a basketball, robbed of any self-determination or even rational reality in which my character might at least be able to build itself some humanlike narrative so as to be recognised as more than a mere punch and judy puppet.

MAN WITH GUN COMES OUT OF THE TESCO WITH A BAG CONTAINING ALL THE CHILLI PLANTS IN THAT PARTICULAR TESCO BRANCH, IE THE GUAM HIGH STREET BRANCH. HE WALKS OVER TO CAPTAIN WILLARD AND PLACES THE PLANTS IN FRONT OF WILLARD. HE THEN TAKES WILLARD'S GUN FROM WILLARD, AS THOUGH WILLARD'S MIND IS ENTIRELY AT HIS DISPOSAL, AND HE SHOOTS ALL OF THE PLANTS.

MAN WITH GUN

Nope. We're still here.

BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR APPEAR ALSO, COMING FROM KRISPY KREME.

BALDRICK

Do you think there's a subtle joke about racial profiling hidden in this scene, my lord?

MAN WITH GUN

Very possibly, Baldrick.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I know you, you're Godot.

MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not, I'm Man with Gun, can't you read. Look, it's right there.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

My mistake, sorry. Should we all just go somewhere, play some poker, eat some chilli, drink a few beers, that sort of thing? I mean we don't have to play it the way the screenwriter wants us to. We can outwit him.

EMMA BOVARY APPEARS ALSO, FROM TESCO, WITH A FULL TROLLEY LADEN WITH GLUTEO-LIPID MAXIMISATION RESOURCES.

EMMA BOVARY

Or her, captain.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

Madam Bovary!

EMMA BOVARY

Captain Willard.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I have a bedroom on the boat. We can move straight on to the part of the film which you're here primarily to cater to, assuming this is standard western 'art'.

EMMA BOVARY

That's quite an assumption, captain. I'm afraid you Americans overlook that little devilish thing called the details, when you cast yourselves and figure out your plot points and mid points and what nots.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I don't follow.

EMMA BOVARY

Oh but you do. You are nothing but a sheep. You tart yourself up like a cheap heterosexual male whore. And you think all I need is a good seeing to when the one thing I need least is more sex or the ego of another penis-with-man-attached.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

You're very harsh. I don't understand. I'm the hero. I'm here to save you. Or why would I be played by Charlie Sheen?

EMMA BOVARY

My friend Man with Gun here has explained to me the fact that in the first film you thought you were there to save the world from Godot when in reality it was up to Godot to save the world from you and everyone else in the film. In this film clearly most of the same characteristics are true - you, in short - are no force for good. No matter what you seem, all you really are is an engine powering the motion of this film towards a bad, a very bad, filthy, dirty ending. Why else cast YOU? And indeed me.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I see your point. But what about him? Why do you think he's the good guy? Everywhere he goes everything melts into chaos. And he's a maniac. He keeps shooting plants. Ever since I first met him he's been doing it. Just out of the blue. This time he bought them. The man bought seventeen chilli plants for putting on your windowsill, he took my assault rifle and he blew them away. Is this a man you feel can guide you through these troubled times to a stable future?

EMMA BOVARY

I don't expect you to understand that, but do understand this: he's the only man in the screenplay who doesn't try to have sex with me whilst also not being gay. THAT is why I trust him and not you. For him this film is about something else, it's not a porn film as it is for you and Tyler Durden over there. For him this film is nothing more than a continuation across the spacetime continuum of the nightmarish vision behind works like Flaubert's Madam Bovary, and so much more, from Gilliam's Brazil and Ionesco's Rhinoceros to the words and works, long gone, of the nameless poets of the distant past who surely first lit this fire which has burned so brightly over the ages and in the faces of so many fascist tyrants, saying to each and every one: you can bully them, mother fucker, but YOU CANNOT BULLY ME. What I have written I have written.

CUT TO..

INT. HOTEL ROOM WHERE CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE CONTINUING TO HAVE GAY SEX LONG INTO THE NIGHT. THEY TAKE A BREAK TO WATCH THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST AND TO PLAY RUGBY. AFTER RUCKING AND MAULING AND SINGING ABBA SONGS AND SUCH THEY TAKE A FURTHER BREAK TO GO TO THE GYM AND THEN AFTER MORE GAY SEX DECIDE TO HAVE MORE CONVERSATION, SINCE THEY'RE BOTH SO GOOD WITH WORDS AND IT SEEMS A SHAME NOT TO.

CHARLES BOVARY

So do you know where I can find Mel Brooks?

AMERICAN SPY

Didn't I tell you? I spoke to someone at the Israeli embassy and they found us a Mel Brooks already. He's waiting for us in the lobby.

CHARLES BOVARY

A Mel Brooks? So not the actual one?

AMERICAN SPY

Well, when there is such an oversupply of celebrities and actors in the west, who needs the real thing? There's always a dozen copies and duplicates and potential posers or imposters for any celebrity worth a few bucks.

CHARLES BOVARY

I don't know. My wife is quite intelligent. I know you wouldn't expect it of me, but there it is. My one mistake. I married a woman who considers her mind to be more important than her vagina.

AMERICAN SPY

I suppose if you find someone like that what else can you do. It's got to be worth a lot of money, a one in a million like that.

CHARLES BOVARY

Particularly to a pair of randy gay men like ourselves, eh?

AMERICAN SPY CHUCKLES

AMERICAN SPY

Do you think she's gone to sleep by now?

CHARLES BOVARY

Indubitably. Dreaming of enabling children to live natural and calm lives or some other insane far-left fantasy. She hangs around with too many of these anti-semitic anti-genocide people who don't realise that unless we kill all the people we say we're going to kill, they may try to kill us first. We have to deter them.

AMERICAN SPY

Indeed, genocide is the only deterrant. Hippies and far-left terrorists just don't understand. Their answer to everything is violence or just being annoying.

CHARLES BOVARY

They should be lined up against the wall and shot.

THE TWO TAKE THE LIFT DOWN TO THE LOBBY WHERE MEL BROOKS IS WAITING FOR THEM, EATING A KEBAB AND DRINKING BEER.

CHARLES BOVARY

But that's Johnny Vegas. She'll know. She's not stupid.

AMERICAN SPY

Yes but she'll have to play along, it's part of the fiction. She can't very well argue against actors playing characters in this film. What does she expect? Some sort of Pirandello-meets-Douglas-Adams type of thing? Before you know it we'll be back to Richard Briers talking to himself which, even if it is entertaining, does distract us completely from the key nodes of the plot of this film.

CHARLES BOVARY

All the gay sex has caused me to forget what they are. Please refresh my memory. What is actually going on in this film other than gay sex, dubiously portrayed through gender-mismatched actors such that the heterosexual relationships are actually gay and the gay relationships are actually heterosexual.

AMERICAN SPY

If you recall we decided to use your wife to kick start a fake revolution which will result in the empowerment of a global monarch operating as the puppet of the new Israeli government.

CHARLES BOVARY

Oh yes, the Israelis. All that killing and genocide and torture. Come on, let's go back upstairs.

MEL BROOKS

Don't you want to hear my act?

AMERICAN SPY

It's okay, you're part of an insignificant side-plot. Do it how you like.

(HE GIVES MEL BROOKS A PILE OF CASH)

Go and get yourself a drink, just be back here at lunchtime.

MEL BROOKS

(LOOKS AT THE WAD OF CASH)

Maybe I'll get myself a bar.

AMERICAN SPY

Just get back here at lunchtime, that's all. We need you to talk to some Iraqi kid.

CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY GO BACK UPSTAIRS AND CONTINUE TO HAVE GAY SEX UNTIL THE AUDIENCE NO LONGER FINDS IT NOVEL AND INTERESTING AND FINDS SOME OTHER NICHE BEHAVIOUR TO CHAMPION AS THE EVIDENCE OF THEIR ADVANCEMENT.

CUT TO..

INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY.
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Click here to read about Shams Pirani, the editor and chief author on this grid - note, if you can actually prove anything written above wrong, I would gladly, if the proof is sufficient, correct what I've written and what I think - if I could, however, prove your attempted proof wrong, then I would accordingly say so and maintain whatever point of view is completely based on fact and proof.

Simple text version.

<< Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain >> (And the beat goes on).

So the comedy writing continues. Previous working copy trail begins here.

What is an election without proper satire?

If Hislop and co are too gutless and whipped and whored to money by their corporate pimps to do it, then I shall. (I just saw a video in which David Mitchell was bitching on LBC about his belief that destitute children, destitute adults, the underprivileged, the out of work, people discriminated against because of their race or gender or class, are ruining comedy. Apparently politics is ruining comedy. Apparently self-amusement is not as fun for Mitchell any more because too many people with problems are insisting that society deal with those problems and that satirists and artists use their talents in the way they should and no longer work as telesales people and self-amusing tossers no longer call themselves comedians).

You see, David Mitchell, or merely 'David' as my friend Helen (whom I should clarify is "non non-white") (and indeed a faithful loyal Israel supporter, a Christian Zionist, I suppose) (and "white", as I said) (and just so you are truly horrified, you must understand she is a professional working in industry, young, educated, no doubt perceived as elite, with a job in the area of 'innovation', indeed, for a major company) (so you can't hide from the fact that she is a pretty good example of one of your fans, of middle England) once referred to you as in an argument, arguing in your defence when I criticised a Guardian article, I think it was, you had written - I was criticising it for its neoliberalism - we'll get to her shortly - but I say this to you David Mitchell - our society and evolution depends on mutual aid. If you want money for your jokes, they need to contribute to our society, rather than simply being royal variety jokes you get paid for. Clown around on your own time, not at society's expense. You are standing in the way of satirists, who need to mock those you don't mock, so that society receives (in exchange for the 'money' a comedian earns) its share.

Helen believed that AIDS is a punishment from "God" on "black people" for - and these are her words - for "needing to be civilised by the white man". I'm sure you'd prefer it if she were attacking you and I defending you. Anyway, "David", the fact is that you need to ridicule people like Helen, like Blair, like Hodge, like Johnson - all of them - properly - you need to ridicule Guardian writers, you need to ridicule the bulk of the press, and almost all 'comedians' - but you don't. I, on the other hand, do. Please read on for some examples. I'm sure you'll find the point you made now fully rebutted and must think of another excuse for being a cowardly toe rag. So go on, think of it. Come up with more excuses. Don't stop to use comedy for the benefit of society, use it for self amusement and as a cash machine. Do read more on mutual aid if you want me to stop ridiculing you. Or stop using the position of public commercial 'joke maker' to waste society's time and hand over the microphone to people who make jokes the way Swift and Hogarth did - for the benefit of us all. As part of the evolutionary journey, not an episode of Benny Hill.

On another occasion I can go over the last 10 years, which you lament is the period during which people have become no fun, and look at what has happened to people less privileged than you, to their lives, to their daily needs, to their mood, to their future, in that time, unnoticed by you in your privilege bubble. But not right now. That's easy work. It's sad you're too lazy to do it yourself Mitchell, so I'll do it later. But first, someone must educate people on the necessity for satire. Step aside Benny Hill. Nobody's interested in your innuendo or clown act. They want to laugh at the people fucking their lives up. Indeed, at you. Do you have any idea what has been going on outside your gated media-money-fed life, to the many, over the last 10 years whilst you, and a few others, have remained entirely oblivious and sheltered? No, of course you don't. Well I'll have to publish all that info on this page later, but right now it is more important to give people the comedy you have singularly failed to give them, you and all the other Royal Variety performing clowns.

I think Emma Bovary must be read with a French accent, for the best delivery of the screenplay below:

Hunting of the Snark / Godot 2 / Madam Bovary, the neoliberal version/remake

POTENTIALLY STARRING: CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD, JOANNA LUMLEY as EMMA BOVARY, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as AMERICAN SPY, VIC REEVES as LOUIS XVI, BOB MORTIMER as MARIE ANTOINETTE, EDWARD NORTON as WHITE NARRATOR, KERMIT THE FROG as HIMSELF, LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN, BERNIE THE AGENT as HIMSELF, JOHNNY VEGAS as MEL BROOKS, MEL BROOKS as KING TURNIP, TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK, ANTOINE DE CAUNES as CHARLES BOVARY, ENOCH POWELL AS BORIS THE BARBARIAN, RICHARD BRIERS as DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE, ANT AND DEC as ELVIS, DAVID LYNCH as JIMMINY GLICK, BERNIE SANDERS as BERNIE SANDERS

EXT. RIVER BOAT. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS TRAVELLING BY BOAT THROUGH SOUTH ASIA AGAIN, ACCOMPANIED BY SOLDIERS.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I didn't know why I was in this film. Everybody had died in the previous one. And besides, it wasn't parodying anything in particular, my being here was entirely random - arbitrary. But one thing was obvious. Godot was not dead. How could he be? He was probably the screenwriter. I updated my Facebook page to inform my fans that the reason so many white people become hysterically afraid at the sound of the phrase "Jeremy Corbyn" was because his fairness and accountability heralded the beginning of the end of white entitlement and white racial preference. Rachel Riley blocked me. The first like I got came from Madam Bovary. I knew this was not by chance but by the screenwriter's design. So Beckett was going to rewrite Flaubert now. I thanked my lucky stars he had chosen Bovary and not the legend of St Julian the Hospitaller.

RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir! We've reached Guam now.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

Guam. Always Guam. Was it because it had one of those names which sounds good on film? Probably. Even Godot was a sucker for vanity. I knew that the answer to my problems lay there. Somehow I could exploit Godot's vanity and stop him before the no doubt horrifying tale of Madam Bovary were to unfold in its entirety. Being Charlie Sheen, I decided the best thing I could do to save Bovary would be to give her a good seeing to (consenting, of course - I'm not one of THOSE American soldiers, I'm the one who deals with THOSE American soldiers).

RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir, I don't understand. Would you like me to kill someone?

CAPTAIN WILLARD (TO SOLDIER)

No no, I was just talking to the audience. I'm the narrator. It pays well.

CUT TO..

INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT.

WHITE NARRATOR

People always ask me if I know Jeremy Corbyn. Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero. Do you have a speech for the occasion?

MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film Norton.

WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -

MAN WITH GUN

(punches him again)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film, whoever you are. So keep your Stanislavskian crap to yourself. This film is not about white saviours.

CUT TO.. INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON WHERE LOUIS XVI HAS, HAVING BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A MAD ISRAELI SCIENTIST, A SECRET BASE, WHERE HE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE LIVING, PREPARING FOR A NEW FEUDAL AGE THEY INTEND TO BRING ABOUT THROUGH A CUNNING PLAN.

LOUIS XVI

Listen love, soon you will be able to eat all the organic cake products your heart desires, for I have a plan now, I know how I am going to regain control of France and in fact the world, thanks to our Israeli friends.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Israel? Surely you must not take control of Israel or that would be ungrateful. They have killed and nobbled so many people on your behalf, indeed it was their ethics-free scientists who brought you back to life with their lovely Day-of-the-zombie Weinstein 5000 machine!

LOUIS XVI

No love, I will not take over Israel, just the rest of the world. Don't you want to hear my plan?

MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm sure it's a lovely plan. I want to hear more about those cakes. Will they have chocolate icing? I love chocolate icing. Particularly if it is flecked with little pieces of white chocolate, with vanilla which has come from some location marketing companies know everyone will put their faith in.

LOUIS XVI

Listen, I'm the King. You're just the Queen. Now shut up and listen to my plan. It's a great one. You should love it. It's a feminist plan.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Oh I do love your feminist plans. I enjoyed your feminist revival of Thatcher. The slogan "women have a right to exploit and kill and be labelled heroes" was a masterpiece. Imagine if only men were allowed to receive praise for things like genocide. Since we were granted this privilege we are truly a more well treated gender. What's the new plan?

LOUIS XVI

In a word, Bovary. Emma Bovary. I'm going to get her to carry out a feminist revolution in which the planet is renamed Vagina World and I will be its King.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Surely such a world would need a Queen?

LOUIS XVI

Get with the times, love. Take a look at the Guardian, the head of western feminist thought management - it promotes control of the world by a few extremely powerful men and their wives. Same as you and me. We're proper feminists.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

That's brilliant then, Vic. I mean Louis. What are you waiting for? Get hold of Emma Bovary and start your 'revolution'. I'm just going down the shops. We've run out of Battenbergs again. I know you love em with your tea.

LOUIS XVI

I like my Battenbergs.

CUT TO..

INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT. WHITE NARRATOR, MAN WITH GUN AND BALDRICK ARE PLAYING CLUEDO.

BALDRICK

I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the drone warfare centre, with the computer keyboard.

WHITE NARRATOR

You know, man with gun, I really don't think this kind of contest is macho enough. We need to be bare fisted, rolling around on the ground and sweating.

MAN WITH GUN

My dear Norton, this is not a porn film. This is an existential study of the failings of the latterday bourgeoisie.

WHITE NARRATOR

So was fight club.

MAN WITH GUN

No it wasn't. It was a mindless sexist macho sensationalist bunch of shit with a seemingly 'clever twist' at the end. Just another American male far up himself, revelling in his own sophistry, calling that sophistry dissent.

WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, but it paid well. I'm not even getting paid for this.

MAN WITH GUN

That's because this film isn't real. Nothing is real. We are figments of the imagination of some sort of plant.

BALDRICK

I thought it was King Turnip who was responsible for all this, my lord. After all, in the last film you killed me and now I'm here again. Surely only King Turnip with his magic powers could bring me back to life. And besides, you must have killed the plant in the last film, so it can't be the plant dreaming, can it?

MAN WITH GUN

It's very simple, Baldrick, I killed the wrong plant. I killed a cactus which the plant dreamt it was - ie it dreamt it was dreaming - it imagined itself to be a cactus. In reality it is some other plant. Probably in a pot, on a windowsill. We're going to have to hunt it down again.

WHITE NARRATOR

Yeah, well I think it was Miss Scarlett in the propaganda production facility at Guardian Newspaper Headquarters, with the racist neoliberal bilge intended to drive blind support for racist genocidal interventionist politics, accidentally causing far right numbers to swell so high that it turns into a Brexit and blows up in her face.

CUT TO..

INT. HOME OF CHARLES BOVARY. DULL CEO BY DAY. SECRET GAY NIGHT CLUB OWNER BY NIGHT. WHILE CHARLES OSTENTATIOUSLY ADDS NEW ACQUISITIONS TO HIS STAMP COLLECTION, HIS WIFE IS UPSTAIRS IN HER BEDROOM, ON THE PHONE TO HER LATEST LOVER, AMERICAN SPY, A SENIOR MARKETING EXECUTIVE AT THE CHARITY CORPORATION OF AMERICA, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER ALSO AN ISRAELI SPY WHO HAS BEEN RECRUITED TO TRICK HER INTO CONVERTING HER PENT-UP RAGE, BORN OUT OF THE FUTILITY AND BANALITY OF HER SITUATION AND THE WORLD SHE LIVES IN, INTO CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ON A SCALE NEVER WITNESSED BY THE HUMAN RACE BEFORE.

AMERICAN SPY

I'm tired of the world of marketing and charity. I've rolled out my last rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushion in the name of gay consumer rights, I want to do more for the world. More than I've already done, absurd though that may seem. Let us make this film about you and me, Emma. Let me raise you to the highest heights - and help you overpower the world. You can revolutionise the way humans think - and live happily ever after.

EMMA BOVARY

But the book doesn't end that way. Flaubert was taking the piss out of us, not holding us up as Roman or Greek heroes to worship. This film is a farce and if you really think you can change that, you're stupider than I thought. But that's okay, sweetheart. I like you for your body not your mind.

AMERICAN SPY

Well we'll rewrite it. That's the modern way. Take anything humans have ever done, good or bad, and remake it in an arbitrary way which suits our immediate commercial needs.

EMMA BOVARY

What sort of revolution?

AMERICAN SPY

The Vagina revolution. We will change this planet's name to Vagina World.

EMMA BOVARY

The whole planet?

AMERICAN SPY

Well except Israel, of course.

EMMA BOVARY

How exactly can we start a revolution?

AMERICAN SPY

You are Emma Bovary. You have a lot of popularity among middle class hyperconsumers across the world, you are a cultural artefact, one of those things western humans and their serfs in many grovelling conquered outposts are most proud of is historical artefacts with famous names. They tend to know, on average, next to nothing about the aforesaid artefacts but are nonetheless able to, in their own minds, assign to them some sort of generative property - which all by itself yields intellectual culture and progress in any individual who is even sitting in the pub nearby having a pint of lard and some pork scratchings.

EMMA BOVARY

So it's my marketing power, really, which you think we can capitalise on. I'm not sure I like that, but I am very bored, so tell me more.

AMERICAN SPY

Well, first we're going to do a charity run.

EXT. SWAMP, DAY. KERMIT THE FROG IS PLAYING HIS BANJO AND SINGING, NEARBY BERNIE THE AGENT IS BOATING.

KERMIT

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong wait and see. Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and -

[GUN-SHOT RINGS OUT AND KERMIT'S HEAD IS BLOWN OFF HIS SHOULDERS.]

MAN WITH GUN

Sorry Kermit, this film isn't about you or about making millions of people happy. This is a sick farce about the meltdown of human society. This is about the real world.

BERNIE THE AGENT

Was that REALLY necessary?

MAN WITH GUN

Don't ask me, ask the screenwriter.

[SHOOTS BERNIE THE AGENT DEAD]

CUT TO..

INT. SPORTS CAR. EMMA BOVARY AND CHARLES BOVARY ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT THE IMMORAL NATURE OF CHARLES' JOB AS HEAD OF MARKETING FOR THE EXPLOITATION CORPORATION AND HIS LATEST PROJECT TO ROLL OUT FOURTEEN MILLION NOVELTY RAINBOW-COLOURED STYLISED-TURD-SHAPED CUSHIONS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIRTUE SIGNAL IN ORDER TO OPEN UP NEW MARKETS AND INCREASE PROFITS.

EMMA BOVARY

When I married you I thought you were a charismatic, strong-willed and free-minded individual, and glamorous and interesting. In reality all you really have is wealth and might. You are a snake oil salesman and from dawn to dusk all you do is exploit and harm, with a smile on your face and a dirty thought in your head.

CHARLES BOVARY

That is simply not true, I am a very kind man at heart, it is the world which is evil. Ask Nicholas Cage in that film about the virtues of genocide. Even the Times of Israel has, albeit very briefly, praised genocide. Look, there's a hotel. Why don't we stop for the night?

EMMA BOVARY

It's lunch time. And no. I refuse to have sex with you until I have resolved this moral problem. Now talk. What can we do to fix your satanic and evil nature?

HE BEGINS TO MAKE AN OBVIOUSLY SLEAZY SUGGESTION.

EMMA BOVARY

No, I'm not interested in your lazy and ignorant narcissism right now. I want a change to happen. Corbyn style change. Real change. What's it going to be?

CHARLES BOVARY THINKS HARD. HE HAS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE. HE KNOWS THERE ARE MEN FAR MORE WORTHY OF EMMA BOVARY THAN HE AND IF SHE GOES ALL HIS WEALTH AND POWER MAY NOT BE AS ENJOYABLE. HE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE AND DOESN'T WANT TO RISK IT.

CHARLES BOVARY

Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we find you an orphaned Iraqi child, and do something nice for them.

EMMA BOVARY

That's just cheap and nasty. No. Not unless -

SHE HAS AN IDEA. CUT TO..

INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND A GROUP OF WHITE AND TOKEN RACISTS WHO BELIEVE IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS AS AN AXIOMATIC DOCUMENT ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR NEW FRIEND BORIS THE BARBARIAN.

BORIS THE BARBARIAN

So I said: "but you're a bloody scotsman so why don't you sod off!"

APPLAUSE FROM QUACKQUACK AND HIS COURTIERS.

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Let's sing a hymn now. Hymn number 90210, all things on my credit card.

THEY SING.

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Amen. So, Boris. Tell me more. Godot is back and on the loose again, you say. This is troublesome. I don't remember how it ended last time.

[ONE OF HIS AIDES EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT THEY ALL DIED AND GODOT TURNED OUT TO BE A MYSTICAL FORCE BEYOND THEIR COMPREHENSION, PROBABLY EXISTING IN AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE AS DIMENSIONS BUT WHAT TO GODOT ARE MERELY STRANDS OF A DIFFERENT AND 'HIGHER' PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER.]

PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

What I want to know is whether Louis the Sixteenth and his hot wife can come down and hang with us while we figure out how to kill Godot.

CUT TO..

INT. CHARLES BOVARY'S SPORTS CAR.

EMMA BOVARY

So what do you say?

CHARLES BOVARY

I don't even know Mel Brooks.

EMMA BOVARY

Rubbish. You can get hold of anyone you want. You are one of the most evil and powerful men alive today. There's almost nobody you can't unearth with a few threats to someone who owes you, or a bit of leaning on someone who's scared of you. Mel Brooks or divorce.

CHARLES BOVARY

Why Mel Brooks?

EMMA BOVARY

Introducing an Iraqi child who has been robbed of her entire family by worthless racist western scumbags to Mel Brooks can give that child back some kind of faith in humanity, some sort of understanding that even in the west, low and depraved though it is, there are great people who loathe those who behave the way she has been led by our actions and inactions to believe we are all taught to live.

CHARLES BOVARY

Alright alright, I don't need a lecture. I will get Mel Brooks. Now can we check into a hotel?

EMMA BOVARY

After I speak to Mel Brooks.

CHARLES BOVARY

Fine. Turn on the car phone will you, dear. I'd better call my secretary.

CUT TO..

EIGHTIES' AMERICAN TV DETECTIVE DRAMA SET. JIHADIS BEAT WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN, FROM ITALIANS TO JAMAICANS, GATHER TOGETHER IN GANGS AND KILL SECURITY GUARDS AND POLICEWOMEN TO PASS THE TIME. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS WALKING ALONG WITH A YOYO, LOOKING TO DEAL WITH WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE ANTI-WHITE VILLAINY, IN THE NAME OF PROVING THAT AUTHORITARIAN FORCE IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH NON WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS.

DEMPSEY

I really don't think the screenwriter has ever even seen a single episode of this show, it just had a famous name and he probably Googled it and was amazed at the sheer calumny it embodies, a typical boorish western establishment racist, classist, fascist demonisation of non white people, muslims, socialists, civilians (rather than police, security forces, armies and others with 'the right to kill baddies') and others. Very blatantly. He would never have watched such crap. Have you read the Waiting for Godot screenplay? This writer has some taste. Do me a favour. He doesn't even know which one of us is the American one and which is the English one.

MAKEPEACE

Well it doesn't matter, it's the same actor, isn't it?

DEMPSEY

Yes, I like that very much. I have a feeling the writer will merely write us as Richard Briers talking to himself, partly in an American accent, and will leave it up to us to decide which character, at any given time, has the American accent.

MAKEPEACE

I like that very much.

DEMPSEY

Would you like some tea?

MAKEPEACE

Yes, I'd love some.

DEMPSEY (POURS TEA)

I think that Makepeace sounds like the English name, it has a sort of rustic bizarreness about it. Dempsey sounds much more American.

MAKEPEACE

I would say the opposite; Makepeace has a weird American unorthodoxy about it, whilst Dempsey sounds like some fellow down the King's road.

DEMPSEY

Nonsense.

MAKEPEACE

Look, what if we both use the same accent, or both use different American accents?

DEMPSEY

But that wouldn't be faithful to the text.

MAKEPEACE

What text? The screenwriter is parodying the people who even watch Dempsey and Makepeace, and its writers, and the issue of parodying the show itself doesn't even come up - the writer, as you say, has probably never even watched it - I mean what an appalling show it is, sowing racist stereotypes and blind obedience to violent authority in the minds of the young and impressionable?

DEMPSEY

You've got a good point there, Makepeace, I say we both use my own normal English accent, a little bit Chiswick.

MAKEPEACE

No, I think I should do Boston and you should do Louisiana.

DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?

MAKEPEACE

That's it, that's it. You be Louisiana and I'll be Boston.

DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?

MAKEPEACE

Very humorous.

DEMPSEY

Oh give me a home where no liberals roam and the folks all think the same way, where each house has a gun, a big helluva one and strangers are told "make my day"..

CUT TO..

INT. GAY NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT. CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE SIPPING DRINKS IN A PRIVATE ROOM.

CHARLES BOVARY

Then she tells me she wants me to introduce Mel Brooks to an Iraqi orphan.

AMERICAN SPY (CAN'T CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER)

So where is she now?

CHARLES BOVARY

I left her with a "headache". Her desire to not have sex with me is definitely at an all time high.

AMERICAN SPY

So we have all night?

PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY ANSWERS IT.

AMERICAN SPY

Emma! What a surprise. I was just thinking about you.

CUT TO..

EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, ON THE PHONE TO AMERICAN SPY.

EMMA BOVARY

I've sent Charles to get hold of Mel Brooks for me, so we have all night if you want to meet me. You're almost as bad as he is. When's the last time we did anything but talk on the phone?

CUT TO..

CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY HAVE STARTED TO HAVE SEX.

AMERICAN SPY

Emma, darling, I hope you won't take this the wrong way but I have to take care of something before we can finish this conversation. Stay where you are. I will get to you as soon as I can, as fast as my feet can carry me. Don't move from where you are.

HE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND TELLS HIS GOOGLE VOICE-ACTIVATED THING TO PLAY THE BOLERO.

CUT TO..

EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, FEELING SAD AND DEJECTED, MARRIED TO A MAN WHO CHEATS ON HER, CHEATING ON HIM WITH A MAN WHO ALSO CHEATS ON HER, ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALISE THAT IT'S WITH HER OWN HUSBAND, DISILLUSIONED AT NEOLIBERAL AND RIGHT WING MODERN EARTH, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE NOTICES JIMMINY GLICK STARING AT HER FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR. HE IS NOT IN HER ROOM, ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT. JIMMINY GLICK IS EATING A CHAIR.

EMMA BOVARY

Aren't you David Lynch?

JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick. You're confused because Martin Short usually plays me. That's not important right now. What's important is the three strange men behind me.

HE WALKS AWAY AND SHE NOTICES MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE SITTING ON HER BED, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT, PLAYING POKER FOR THE SAME THREE OPENED PACKETS OF PRETZELS WHICH HAVE FEATURED IN ALL FILMS AND TV EVER, IN WHICH PEOPLE PLAYED POKER FOR PRETZELS OR WHILST EATING PRETZELS. MAN WITH GUN LOOKS UP AND SEES HER AND IS AS SHOCKED AS SHE IS.

CUT TO...

INT. HOTEL ROOM. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE PLAYING POKER FOR PRETZELS.

MAN WITH GUN

Look Baldrick, in the mirror. It's Emma Bovary. We shouldn't be sitting around wasting our time, we have a job to do.

HE WALKS OVER TO THE MIRROR.

MAN WITH GUN

Can you hear me Emma Bovary?

EMMA BOVARY

Who are you?

MAN WITH GUN (TO BALDRICK)

She can hear me.

MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Don't worry about who I am, I'm a friend. If you're Emma Bovary, sit tight, we've come to save you from Bourgeois Hell.

EMMA BOVARY

Finally, someone who understands. Who are you? WHERE are you?

MAN WITH GUN

Uh - not quite sure.

BALDRICK

I thought you said we're in the dream of a yucca plant.

MAN WITH GUN

It might be a fern Baldrick. Or anything. Probably a pot plant. You're being too specific. It could be any pot plant.

MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Do you have any pot plants nearby? Any unusual flora and fauna love?

EMMA BOVARY

So you're mad? So I'm caught between neoliberals, tories, entirely mindless advertising executives and a mad person?

MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not mad, I'm - look, wherever you are, you may be in danger. If there is a pot plant somewhere in your vicinity you must get away from it, or destroy it or something.

EMMA BOVARY

There's some daffodils in a vase.

MAN WITH GUN

No it would be a pot plant. If it's a vase you're okay.

BALDRICK

What about the fridge?

WHITE NARRATOR

I've checked, there's only beer.

EMMA BOVARY ALMOST JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN, SINCE WHITE NARRATOR IS NOW IN HER HOTEL ROOM.

EMMA BOVARY

Who the hell are you? Wait a minute. You're Edward Norton. Can I get your autograph, it's for, ahem, my daughter.

WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he's playing -

MAN WITH GUN PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND HE FALLS FLAT ON THE GROUND

EMMA BOVARY

What the hell?

MAN WITH GUN

It's alright, I think our meat-head friend there managed to break through some kind of spacetime barrier in to your part of the world we're trapped in which, you may want to take note right now, is the dream of a pot plant. No ordinary dream, a tormented dream beset with fear of apocalypse and the banality of evil.

EMMA BOVARY

Hence the choice of subject matter.

MAN WITH GUN

That's right. And we have to prevent the denegeration of this dream into the worst sort of meltdown imaginable. Last time we had to deal with nuclear and military meltdown. This time it's going to be worse, the author is clearly going to take it to a new level of horror, whatever that is.

EMMA BOVARY

I don't understand. Are we in a screenplay, as you imply with your mention of an author, or are we in the mind of a pot plant?

CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL AND INTO THE ROOM, WHERE IT GRINDS TO A HALT.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

We had this conversation already. I think it's a dream. We're all asleep and dreaming of being here, in this situation where someone is telling us that all of reality, even outside our dream, is a dream.

MAN WITH GUN

Not this time, Captain Willard. This is just the main dream, not a dream inside a dream.

BERNIE SANDERS ENTERS

BERNIE SANDERS

Hang on, hang on, if this is just the main dream, how did Willard get here, to urban Europe, from Guam, in that boat? Not just so fast, but how could the boat get into this room? Where is the water?

JIMMINY GLICK APPEARS AGAIN.

JIMMINY GLICK

I think I can explain that.

BERNIE SANDERS

You're David Lynch.

JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick, in the script. Let me explain -

THEY LEAVE, WITH GLICK EXPLAINING TO SANDERS WHAT HE FEELS MAY BE GOING ON IN THIS SCREENPLAY

EMMA BOVARY

Well that was odd.

BALDRICK

Forgive me for intruding, my lords and ladies, but I still think King Turnip may be behind all this and we would be well advised to get out of here and conceal ourselves from the Turnip Royal Guard, which will make us all into shrubberies, all of them forming, from an aerial view, a cleverly constructed agriculture-based image of infamous comedian and travel writer Michael Palin.

EMMA BOVARY

Again. Things are getting very odd.

MAN WITH GUN

You're telling me. We're doing another one, they told me. You're the main character, they told me. This time you, the non white anti-hero, save the rich white woman from horror and grief, and she's a real feminist too. And what do I find? First they force me to have Edward Norton shadowing my insanity at every move, to try and pretend that you can benefit from white privilege but also be against the white-privilege-centric establishment at the same time, Charlie Sheen is back, probably hoping to stick his unmentionables into anything which can wear underwear, temporarily of course, and now David Lynch and Bernie Sanders are trying to turn it into a party political broadcast.

EMMA BOVARY

I thought you said this was a dream.

MAN WITH GUN

I think it's a screenplay of a dream of a dream of a screenplay.

THE PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE VANISHES AGAIN EXCEPT EMMA BOVARY. SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE. AMERICAN SPY IS AT THE OTHER END.

AMERICAN SPY

Darling, I can't believe this is happening now, but I've just had an urgent call from Jimmy Carr asking me to help him figure out the best way for him to give charity to the bioweapons department of the Israeli military. I need to get hold of Deniro and talk to him, he remembers how I arranged that the last time. It's a lot of money. A LOT of foul mouth racist macho people spend their money on Jimmy Carr's professional imperial juvenility. You're going to have to manage without me this time.

EMMA BOVARY

But -

AMERICAN SPY

Sorry I have to go now. I'll call you the moment I've finished my work.

HE HANGS UP AND GOES BACK TO ROGERING CHARLES BOVARY.

EMMA BOVARY (TO HERSELF)

Why did he say professional imperial juvenility - a man as ignorant as him sees that as high satire, as attacks on the corrupt - whilst anyone of intelligence couldn't possibly compare Jimmy Carr's puerile machismo to the anti-establishment wit of Jonathan Swift, or even Vic Reeves on a good day, that's not the sort of thing these backward lovers of mine usually see to be the case. I don't understand. Something odd really is going on. Was I dreaming all those strange people?

MAN WITH GUN REAPPEARS, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR. THE OTHER TWO ARE NOT THERE, NOR IS WILLARD OR HIS BOAT.

MAN WITH GUN

No I don't think so. And I think the reason he spoke out of character is to do with Godot.

EMMA BOVARY

But Waiting for Godot was written a long time after Flaubert and has apparently nothing to do with Madam Bovary. What has Godot got to do with it?

MAN WITH GUN

I'm afraid this is the second film. You didn't see the first one. It was insane. Nukes flying. Fat dumb American presidents running around the world while the author played fast and loose with eighties stereotype-laden comedy and drama characters. Didn't end well. Tony Blair almost became involved. And even though the writer cut him out before the very end, it was still pretty much the most grim ending possible.

EMMA BOVARY

And you think this time it'll be even worse?

MAN WITH GUN

Logically there's no alternative possibility we can deduce to be probable. Is there?

EMMA BOVARY

No, I suppose not. And you say that if we find the right pot plant and eliminate it the whole show is over and Dawn French will spring up and do her best rendition of "Here comes the bride".

MAN WITH GUN

Yes, I think that's a pretty apt metaphor.

EMMA BOVARY PUTS ON HER COAT AND HAT AND PICKS UP HER HANDBAG AND SHE AND MAN WITH GUN LEAVE HER HOTEL ROOM.

CUT TO..

INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON. LOUIS XVI AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE EATING BATTENBERGS AND DRINKING CUPS OF TEA.

LOUIS XVI

TONY, TONY, I JUST GOT A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

I've told you before, Vic, you can't shorten Marie Antoinette to Tony.

LOUIS XVI

Why not? You called me Vic.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yes but that was a departure from the fiction, that was just a step into the world beyond the fiction, although under the circumstances it's hard to say in which direction the step moved. Anyway, it's not the same at all. You can call me Mary for short if you like.

LOUIS XVI

Alright Mary. So what should I do? Should I accept his friend request?

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Why not Vic? He's a nice bloke. Has his own set of golf clubs and a proper barometer. We may need to borrow either. I think the president would be a useful friend even if he is a bit of a racist genocidal maniac who's obsessed with sex and is only a gender-egalitarian insofar as he treats everyone with equal contempt and equally as nothing but a means to an end, regardless of gender, although gender may impact the ends involved or desired. I say go for it. You added Henry Kissinger, didn't you? How can you really sink any lower?

LOUIS XVI

I could. I haven't replied to Alistair Campbell yet.

LOUIS XVI ACCEPTS PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK'S FRIEND REQUEST AND THEN GETS A PRIVATE MESSAGE IN WHICH THE PRESIDENT INVITES LOUIS XVI AND HIS HOT WIFE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM IN THE WAR ROOM IN WASHINGTON.

LOUIS XVI

Mary, Mary, the President wants to meet me and my hot wife.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

You can't do that, Vic. You don't have a hot wife. Your wife is played by me and I'm hardly hot. I'm a man.

LOUIS XVI

Well if the president's gay then you might be hot.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

Have you met the president? He's a proper village idiot dinosaur-man. Purely paleolithic. The fact that this screenplay is littered with gender shuffling and actors playing characters the wrong gender, interspersed with gay plots, would totally throw him. He's going to be pretty upset if you walk into the war room with a man dressed as a female french aristocrat.

LOUIS XVI

So what are we going to to Bob? I mean Tony. I mean Mary.

MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm thinking, Vic. I'm thinking.

MARIE ANTOINETTE THINKS.

CUT TO..

EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE MOST LIKELY CHARACTERISTICS OF HIS/HER SHOW.

DEMPSEY

So we know to begin with that there must be some sort of personality clash between the two police officers, there always is. In Due South you had the lazy one and the overzealous one. Generally speaking if you have two cops, the purpose of having two is that they argue with each other and take very different approaches, leading them to constantly bounce the plot in different directions.

MAKEPEACE

You're probably right but you're overlooking the most important characteristic - by essentially legitimising both proper, indeed over-zealous use of law and authority at the same time as improper, lazy or even purely delusionary methods, including abandoning things like the presumption of innocence, indeed due process, indeed civilised behaviour, the primary purpose of any cop show or similar is to remind civilians that authority-figures should, gladly, be given absolute power over all life which appears on their tv show.

DEMPSEY

You've got a point there, Makers old son.

MAKEPEACE

If you're doing the English accent then I have to be the woman don't I? I mean if you speak in an obviously English accent people will just assume you're Richard Briers and imagine you to be the male. So you can't call me old son.

DEMPSEY

Alright then, old girl.

MAKEPEACE

Personally I think the author's taking the whole sending up of the pantomime-like ostentatious exhibitionist nature of western 'gay rights' flag wavers, most of whom actually don't care about gay rights and aren't gay but need a whole armoury of virtue signals to use to cover their tracks as they plough on each day with genocide, ecocide and species-wide collective suicide, just a tiny bit too far.

DEMPSEY

How much is a tiny bit?

MAKEPEACE

Three or four hundred words. Not much in contrast to say a medium sized technical lecture by Chomsky.

DEMPSEY

But a lot longer than a tweet from the president of the USA.

MAKEPEACE

An advert for dog food would have more words than the average nugget of 'wisdom' from the Americans' infamous tweeting president. Words are not the president's strong point.

DEMPSEY

Does the president indeed have any strong points?

CUT TO..

EXT. GUAM. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS SOMEHOW BACK IN GUAM, STILL IN THE BOAT, WITH THE CREW, BUT NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF GUAM HIGH STREET, BY THE LOCAL TESCO OPPOSITE THE KRISPY KREME.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I had no idea what the hell was going on. I knew that the screenwriter was showing the audience that the president really did have a sort of 'strong' front end, which was me, but I wasn't sure if the author was, in fact, mocking me. Bouncing me around reality like a basketball, robbed of any self-determination or even rational reality in which my character might at least be able to build itself some humanlike narrative so as to be recognised as more than a mere punch and judy puppet.

MAN WITH GUN COMES OUT OF THE TESCO WITH A BAG CONTAINING ALL THE CHILLI PLANTS IN THAT PARTICULAR TESCO BRANCH, IE THE GUAM HIGH STREET BRANCH. HE WALKS OVER TO CAPTAIN WILLARD AND PLACES THE PLANTS IN FRONT OF WILLARD. HE THEN TAKES WILLARD'S GUN FROM WILLARD, AS THOUGH WILLARD'S MIND IS ENTIRELY AT HIS DISPOSAL, AND HE SHOOTS ALL OF THE PLANTS.

MAN WITH GUN

Nope. We're still here.

BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR APPEAR ALSO, COMING FROM KRISPY KREME.

BALDRICK

Do you think there's a subtle joke about racial profiling hidden in this scene, my lord?

MAN WITH GUN

Very possibly, Baldrick.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I know you, you're Godot.

MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not, I'm Man with Gun, can't you read. Look, it's right there.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

My mistake, sorry. Should we all just go somewhere, play some poker, eat some chilli, drink a few beers, that sort of thing? I mean we don't have to play it the way the screenwriter wants us to. We can outwit him.

EMMA BOVARY APPEARS ALSO, FROM TESCO, WITH A FULL TROLLEY LADEN WITH GLUTEO-LIPID MAXIMISATION RESOURCES.

EMMA BOVARY

Or her, captain.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

Madam Bovary!

EMMA BOVARY

Captain Willard.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I have a bedroom on the boat. We can move straight on to the part of the film which you're here primarily to cater to, assuming this is standard western 'art'.

EMMA BOVARY

That's quite an assumption, captain. I'm afraid you Americans overlook that little devilish thing called the details, when you cast yourselves and figure out your plot points and mid points and what nots.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I don't follow.

EMMA BOVARY

Oh but you do. You are nothing but a sheep. You tart yourself up like a cheap heterosexual male whore. And you think all I need is a good seeing to when the one thing I need least is more sex or the ego of another penis-with-man-attached.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

You're very harsh. I don't understand. I'm the hero. I'm here to save you. Or why would I be played by Charlie Sheen?

EMMA BOVARY

My friend Man with Gun here has explained to me the fact that in the first film you thought you were there to save the world from Godot when in reality it was up to Godot to save the world from you and everyone else in the film. In this film clearly most of the same characteristics are true - you, in short - are no force for good. No matter what you seem, all you really are is an engine powering the motion of this film towards a bad, a very bad, filthy, dirty ending. Why else cast YOU? And indeed me.

CAPTAIN WILLARD

I see your point. But what about him? Why do you think he's the good guy? Everywhere he goes everything melts into chaos. And he's a maniac. He keeps shooting plants. Ever since I first met him he's been doing it. Just out of the blue. This time he bought them. The man bought seventeen chilli plants for putting on your windowsill, he took my assault rifle and he blew them away. Is this a man you feel can guide you through these troubled times to a stable future?

EMMA BOVARY

I don't expect you to understand that, but do understand this: he's the only man in the screenplay who doesn't try to have sex with me whilst also not being gay. THAT is why I trust him and not you. For him this film is about something else, it's not a porn film as it is for you and Tyler Durden over there. For him this film is nothing more than a continuation across the spacetime continuum of the nightmarish vision behind works like Flaubert's Madam Bovary, and so much more, from Gilliam's Brazil and Ionesco's Rhinoceros to the words and works, long gone, of the nameless poets of the distant past who surely first lit this fire which has burned so brightly over the ages and in the faces of so many fascist tyrants, saying to each and every one: you can bully them, mother fucker, but YOU CANNOT BULLY ME. What I have written I have written.

CUT TO..

INT. HOTEL ROOM WHERE CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE CONTINUING TO HAVE GAY SEX LONG INTO THE NIGHT. THEY TAKE A BREAK TO WATCH THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST AND TO PLAY RUGBY. AFTER RUCKING AND MAULING AND SINGING ABBA SONGS AND SUCH THEY TAKE A FURTHER BREAK TO GO TO THE GYM AND THEN AFTER MORE GAY SEX DECIDE TO HAVE MORE CONVERSATION, SINCE THEY'RE BOTH SO GOOD WITH WORDS AND IT SEEMS A SHAME NOT TO.

CHARLES BOVARY

So do you know where I can find Mel Brooks?

AMERICAN SPY

Didn't I tell you? I spoke to someone at the Israeli embassy and they found us a Mel Brooks already. He's waiting for us in the lobby.

CHARLES BOVARY

A Mel Brooks? So not the actual one?

AMERICAN SPY

Well, when there is such an oversupply of celebrities and actors in the west, who needs the real thing? There's always a dozen copies and duplicates and potential posers or imposters for any celebrity worth a few bucks.

CHARLES BOVARY

I don't know. My wife is quite intelligent. I know you wouldn't expect it of me, but there it is. My one mistake. I married a woman who considers her mind to be more important than her vagina.

AMERICAN SPY

I suppose if you find someone like that what else can you do. It's got to be worth a lot of money, a one in a million like that.

CHARLES BOVARY

Particularly to a pair of randy gay men like ourselves, eh?

AMERICAN SPY CHUCKLES

AMERICAN SPY

Do you think she's gone to sleep by now?

CHARLES BOVARY

Indubitably. Dreaming of enabling children to live natural and calm lives or some other insane far-left fantasy. She hangs around with too many of these anti-semitic anti-genocide people who don't realise that unless we kill all the people we say we're going to kill, they may try to kill us first. We have to deter them.

AMERICAN SPY

Indeed, genocide is the only deterrant. Hippies and far-left terrorists just don't understand. Their answer to everything is violence or just being annoying.

CHARLES BOVARY

They should be lined up against the wall and shot.

THE TWO TAKE THE LIFT DOWN TO THE LOBBY WHERE MEL BROOKS IS WAITING FOR THEM, EATING A KEBAB AND DRINKING BEER.

CHARLES BOVARY

But that's Johnny Vegas. She'll know. She's not stupid.

AMERICAN SPY

Yes but she'll have to play along, it's part of the fiction. She can't very well argue against actors playing characters in this film. What does she expect? Some sort of Pirandello-meets-Douglas-Adams type of thing? Before you know it we'll be back to Richard Briers talking to himself which, even if it is entertaining, does distract us completely from the key nodes of the plot of this film.

CHARLES BOVARY

All the gay sex has caused me to forget what they are. Please refresh my memory. What is actually going on in this film other than gay sex, dubiously portrayed through gender-mismatched actors such that the heterosexual relationships are actually gay and the gay relationships are actually heterosexual.

AMERICAN SPY

If you recall we decided to use your wife to kick start a fake revolution which will result in the empowerment of a global monarch operating as the puppet of the new Israeli government.

CHARLES BOVARY

Oh yes, the Israelis. All that killing and genocide and torture. Come on, let's go back upstairs.

MEL BROOKS

Don't you want to hear my act?

AMERICAN SPY

It's okay, you're part of an insignificant side-plot. Do it how you like.

(HE GIVES MEL BROOKS A PILE OF CASH)

Go and get yourself a drink, just be back here at lunchtime.

MEL BROOKS

(LOOKS AT THE WAD OF CASH)

Maybe I'll get myself a bar.

AMERICAN SPY

Just get back here at lunchtime, that's all. We need you to talk to some Iraqi kid.

CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY GO BACK UPSTAIRS AND CONTINUE TO HAVE GAY SEX UNTIL THE AUDIENCE NO LONGER FINDS IT NOVEL AND INTERESTING AND FINDS SOME OTHER NICHE BEHAVIOUR TO CHAMPION AS THE EVIDENCE OF THEIR ADVANCEMENT.

CUT TO..

INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b9D1HaOKHs
http://opinion.tvhobo.com/owenjones_israel_numberwang.html