Home   |         NEW: (hypothetically starring) VIC REEVES as LUKE SKYWALKER .. in "Waiting for Godot, the hollywood version".

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Thrust of argument: CLICK HERE for latest versions of the screenplay - for the final drafts. Direction of resistance / implied resistance: What is an election without proper satire?

 

 

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Removal of resistance: If Hislop and co are too gutless and whipped and whored to money by their corporate pimps to do it, then I shall. (I just saw a video in which David Mitchell was bitching on LBC about his belief that destitute children, destitute adults, the underprivileged, the out of work, people discriminated against because of their race or gender or class, are ruining comedy. Apparently politics is ruining comedy. Apparently self-amusement is not as fun for Mitchell any more because too many people with problems are insisting that society deal with those problems and that satirists and artists use their talents in the way they should and no longer work as telesales people and self-amusing tossers no longer call themselves comedians).

You see, David Mitchell, or merely 'David' as my friend Helen (whom I should clarify is "non non-white") (and indeed a faithful loyal Israel supporter, a Christian Zionist, I suppose) (and "white", as I said) (and just so you are truly horrified, you must understand she is a professional working in industry, young, educated, no doubt perceived as elite, with a job in the area of 'innovation', indeed, for a major company) (so you can't hide from the fact that she is a pretty good example of one of your fans, of middle England) once referred to you as in an argument, arguing in your defence when I criticised a Guardian article, I think it was, you had written - I was criticising it for its neoliberalism - we'll get to her shortly - but I say this to you David Mitchell - our society and evolution depends on mutual aid. If you want money for your jokes, they need to contribute to our society, rather than simply being royal variety jokes you get paid for. Clown around on your own time, not at society's expense. You are standing in the way of satirists, who need to mock those you don't mock, so that society receives (in exchange for the 'money' a comedian earns) its share.

Helen believed that AIDS is a punishment from "God" on "black people" for - and these are her words - for "needing to be civilised by the white man". I'm sure you'd prefer it if she were attacking you and I defending you. Anyway, "David", the fact is that you need to ridicule people like Helen, like Blair, like Hodge, like Johnson - all of them - properly - you need to ridicule Guardian writers, you need to ridicule the bulk of the press, and almost all 'comedians' - but you don't. I, on the other hand, do. Please read on for some examples. I'm sure you'll find the point you made now fully rebutted and must think of another excuse for being a cowardly toe rag. So go on, think of it. Come up with more excuses. Don't stop to use comedy for the benefit of society, use it for self amusement and as a cash machine. Do read more on mutual aid if you want me to stop ridiculing you. Or stop using the position of public commercial 'joke maker' to waste society's time and hand over the microphone to people who make jokes the way Swift and Hogarth did - for the benefit of us all. As part of the evolutionary journey, not an episode of Benny Hill.

On another occasion I can go over the last 10 years, which you lament is the period during which people have become no fun, and look at what has happened to people less privileged than you, to their lives, to their daily needs, to their mood, to their future, in that time, unnoticed by you in your privilege bubble. But not right now. That's easy work. It's sad you're too lazy to do it yourself Mitchell, so I'll do it later. But first, someone must educate people on the necessity for satire. Step aside Benny Hill. Nobody's interested in your innuendo or clown act. They want to laugh at the people fucking their lives up. Indeed, at you. Do you have any idea what has been going on outside your gated media-money-fed life, to the many, over the last 10 years whilst you, and a few others, have remained entirely oblivious and sheltered? No, of course you don't. Well I'll have to publish all that info on this page later, but right now it is more important to give people the comedy you have singularly failed to give them, you and all the other Royal Variety performing clowns.

I think Emma Bovary must be read with a French accent, for the best delivery of the screenplay below:
Unification: Hunting of the Snark / Godot 2 / Madam Bovary, the neoliberal version/remake



POTENTIALLY STARRING: BETTE MIDLER as IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL, CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD, JOANNA LUMLEY as EMMA BOVARY, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as AMERICAN SPY, VIC REEVES as LOUIS XVI, BOB MORTIMER as MARIE ANTOINETTE, EDWARD NORTON as WHITE NARRATOR, KERMIT THE FROG as HIMSELF, LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN, BERNIE THE AGENT as HIMSELF, JOHNNY VEGAS as MEL BROOKS, MEL BROOKS as KING TURNIP, TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK, ANTOINE DE CAUNES as CHARLES BOVARY, ENOCH POWELL AS BORIS THE BARBARIAN, RICHARD BRIERS as DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE, ANT AND DEC as ELVIS, DAVID LYNCH as JIMMINY GLICK, BERNIE SANDERS as BERNIE SANDERS, KIEFER SUTHERLAND as KIEFER SUTHERLAND, COLONEL POTTER as HIMSELF, CLINGER as HIMSELF, MATT LUCAS as E.T., CHRISTOPHER WALKEN as RONALD MACDONALD, DAVID HASSELHOFF as CAPTAIN PICARD, DAVID HASSELHOFF as BATMAN, NIGEL HAVERS as BUGSY MALONE







EXT. RIVER BOAT. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS TRAVELLING BY BOAT THROUGH SOUTH ASIA AGAIN, ACCOMPANIED BY SOLDIERS.







CAPTAIN WILLARD

I didn't know why I was in this film. Everybody had died in the previous one. And besides, it wasn't parodying anything in particular, my being here was entirely random - arbitrary. But one thing was obvious. Godot was not dead. How could he be? He was probably the screenwriter. I updated my Facebook page to inform my fans that the reason so many white people become hysterically afraid at the sound of the phrase "Jeremy Corbyn" was because his fairness and accountability heralded the beginning of the end of white entitlement and white racial preference. Rachel Riley blocked me. The first like I got came from Madam Bovary. I knew this was not by chance but by the screenwriter's design. So Beckett was going to rewrite Flaubert now. I thanked my lucky stars he had chosen Bovary and not the legend of St Julian the Hospitaller.



RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir! We've reached Guam now.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Guam. Always Guam. Was it because it had one of those names which sounds good on film? Probably. Even Godot was a sucker for vanity. I knew that the answer to my problems lay there. Somehow I could exploit Godot's vanity and stop him before the no doubt horrifying tale of Madam Bovary were to unfold in its entirety. Being Charlie Sheen, I decided the best thing I could do to save Bovary would be to give her a good seeing to (consenting, of course - I'm not one of THOSE American soldiers, I'm the one who deals with THOSE American soldiers).



RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir, I don't understand. Would you like me to kill someone?



CAPTAIN WILLARD (TO SOLDIER)

No no, I was just talking to the audience. I'm the narrator. It pays well.





CUT TO..







INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT.



WHITE NARRATOR

People always ask me if I know Jeremy Corbyn. Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero. Do you have a speech for the occasion?



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film Norton.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him again)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film, whoever you are. So keep your Stanislavskian crap to yourself. This film is not about white saviours.





CUT TO.. INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON WHERE LOUIS XVI HAS, HAVING BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A MAD ISRAELI SCIENTIST, A SECRET BASE, WHERE HE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE LIVING, PREPARING FOR A NEW FEUDAL AGE THEY INTEND TO BRING ABOUT THROUGH A CUNNING PLAN.





LOUIS XVI

Listen love, soon you will be able to eat all the organic cake products your heart desires, for I have a plan now, I know how I am going to regain control of France and in fact the world, thanks to our Israeli friends.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Israel? Surely you must not take control of Israel or that would be ungrateful. They have killed and nobbled so many people on your behalf, indeed it was their ethics-free scientists who brought you back to life with their lovely Day-of-the-zombie Weinstein 5000 machine!



LOUIS XVI

No love, I will not take over Israel, just the rest of the world. Don't you want to hear my plan?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm sure it's a lovely plan. I want to hear more about those cakes. Will they have chocolate icing? I love chocolate icing. Particularly if it is flecked with little pieces of white chocolate, with vanilla which has come from some location marketing companies know everyone will put their faith in.



LOUIS XVI

Listen, I'm the King. You're just the Queen. Now shut up and listen to my plan. It's a great one. You should love it. It's a feminist plan.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Oh I do love your feminist plans. I enjoyed your feminist revival of Thatcher. The slogan "women have a right to exploit and kill and be labelled heroes" was a masterpiece. Imagine if only men were allowed to receive praise for things like genocide. Since we were granted this privilege we are truly a more well treated gender. What's the new plan?



LOUIS XVI

In a word, Bovary. Emma Bovary. I'm going to get her to carry out a feminist revolution in which the planet is renamed Vagina World and I will be its King.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Surely such a world would need a Queen?



LOUIS XVI

Get with the times, love. Take a look at the Guardian, the head of western feminist thought management - it promotes control of the world by a few extremely powerful men and their wives. Same as you and me. We're proper feminists.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

That's brilliant then, Vic. I mean Louis. What are you waiting for? Get hold of Emma Bovary and start your 'revolution'. I'm just going down the shops. We've run out of Battenbergs again. I know you love em with your tea.



LOUIS XVI

I like my Battenbergs.





CUT TO..



INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT. WHITE NARRATOR, MAN WITH GUN AND BALDRICK ARE PLAYING CLUEDO.



BALDRICK

I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the drone warfare centre, with the computer keyboard.



WHITE NARRATOR

You know, man with gun, I really don't think this kind of contest is macho enough. We need to be bare fisted, rolling around on the ground and sweating.



MAN WITH GUN

My dear Norton, this is not a porn film. This is an existential study of the failings of the latterday bourgeoisie.



WHITE NARRATOR

So was fight club.



MAN WITH GUN

No it wasn't. It was a mindless sexist macho sensationalist bunch of shit with a seemingly 'clever twist' at the end. Just another American male far up himself, revelling in his own sophistry, calling that sophistry dissent.



WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, but it paid well. I'm not even getting paid for this.



MAN WITH GUN

That's because this film isn't real. Nothing is real. We are figments of the imagination of some sort of plant.



BALDRICK

I thought it was King Turnip who was responsible for all this, my lord. After all, in the last film you killed me and now I'm here again. Surely only King Turnip with his magic powers could bring me back to life. And besides, you must have killed the plant in the last film, so it can't be the plant dreaming, can it?



MAN WITH GUN

It's very simple, Baldrick, I killed the wrong plant. I killed a cactus which the plant dreamt it was - ie it dreamt it was dreaming - it imagined itself to be a cactus. In reality it is some other plant. Probably in a pot, on a windowsill. We're going to have to hunt it down again.



WHITE NARRATOR

Yeah, well I think it was Miss Scarlett in the propaganda production facility at Guardian Newspaper Headquarters, with the racist neoliberal bilge intended to drive blind support for racist genocidal interventionist politics, accidentally causing far right numbers to swell so high that it turns into a Brexit and blows up in her face.



CUT TO..



INT. HOME OF CHARLES BOVARY. DULL CEO BY DAY. SECRET GAY NIGHT CLUB OWNER BY NIGHT. WHILE CHARLES OSTENTATIOUSLY ADDS NEW ACQUISITIONS TO HIS STAMP COLLECTION, HIS WIFE IS UPSTAIRS IN HER BEDROOM, ON THE PHONE TO HER LATEST LOVER, AMERICAN SPY, A SENIOR MARKETING EXECUTIVE AT THE CHARITY CORPORATION OF AMERICA, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER ALSO AN ISRAELI SPY WHO HAS BEEN RECRUITED TO TRICK HER INTO CONVERTING HER PENT-UP RAGE, BORN OUT OF THE FUTILITY AND BANALITY OF HER SITUATION AND THE WORLD SHE LIVES IN, INTO CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ON A SCALE NEVER WITNESSED BY THE HUMAN RACE BEFORE.





AMERICAN SPY

I'm tired of the world of marketing and charity. I've rolled out my last rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushion in the name of gay consumer rights, I want to do more for the world. More than I've already done, absurd though that may seem. Let us make this film about you and me, Emma. Let me raise you to the highest heights - and help you overpower the world. You can revolutionise the way humans think - and live happily ever after.



EMMA BOVARY

But the book doesn't end that way. Flaubert was taking the piss out of us, not holding us up as Roman or Greek heroes to worship. This film is a farce and if you really think you can change that, you're stupider than I thought. But that's okay, sweetheart. I like you for your body not your mind.



AMERICAN SPY

Well we'll rewrite it. That's the modern way. Take anything humans have ever done, good or bad, and remake it in an arbitrary way which suits our immediate commercial needs.



EMMA BOVARY

What sort of revolution?



AMERICAN SPY

The Vagina revolution. We will change this planet's name to Vagina World.



EMMA BOVARY

The whole planet?



AMERICAN SPY

Well except Israel, of course.



EMMA BOVARY

How exactly can we start a revolution?



AMERICAN SPY

You are Emma Bovary. You have a lot of popularity among middle class hyperconsumers across the world, you are a cultural artefact, one of those things western humans and their serfs in many grovelling conquered outposts are most proud of is historical artefacts with famous names. They tend to know, on average, next to nothing about the aforesaid artefacts but are nonetheless able to, in their own minds, assign to them some sort of generative property - which all by itself yields intellectual culture and progress in any individual who is even sitting in the pub nearby having a pint of lard and some pork scratchings.



EMMA BOVARY

So it's my marketing power, really, which you think we can capitalise on. I'm not sure I like that, but I am very bored, so tell me more.



AMERICAN SPY

Well, first we're going to do a charity run.







EXT. SWAMP, DAY. KERMIT THE FROG IS PLAYING HIS BANJO AND SINGING, NEARBY BERNIE THE AGENT IS BOATING.





KERMIT

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong wait and see. Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and -



[GUN-SHOT RINGS OUT AND KERMIT'S HEAD IS BLOWN OFF HIS SHOULDERS.]



MAN WITH GUN

Sorry Kermit, this film isn't about you or about making millions of people happy. This is a sick farce about the meltdown of human society. This is about the real world.



BERNIE THE AGENT

Was that REALLY necessary?



MAN WITH GUN

Don't ask me, ask the screenwriter.



[SHOOTS BERNIE THE AGENT DEAD]





CUT TO..



INT. SPORTS CAR. EMMA BOVARY AND CHARLES BOVARY ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT THE IMMORAL NATURE OF CHARLES' JOB AS HEAD OF MARKETING FOR THE EXPLOITATION CORPORATION AND HIS LATEST PROJECT TO ROLL OUT FOURTEEN MILLION NOVELTY RAINBOW-COLOURED STYLISED-TURD-SHAPED CUSHIONS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIRTUE SIGNAL IN ORDER TO OPEN UP NEW MARKETS AND INCREASE PROFITS.



EMMA BOVARY

When I married you I thought you were a charismatic, strong-willed and free-minded individual, and glamorous and interesting. In reality all you really have is wealth and might. You are a snake oil salesman and from dawn to dusk all you do is exploit and harm, with a smile on your face and a dirty thought in your head.



CHARLES BOVARY

That is simply not true, I am a very kind man at heart, it is the world which is evil. Ask Nicholas Cage in that film about the virtues of genocide. Even the Times of Israel has, albeit very briefly, praised genocide. Look, there's a hotel. Why don't we stop for the night?



EMMA BOVARY

It's lunch time. And no. I refuse to have sex with you until I have resolved this moral problem. Now talk. What can we do to fix your satanic and evil nature?



HE BEGINS TO MAKE AN OBVIOUSLY SLEAZY SUGGESTION.



EMMA BOVARY

No, I'm not interested in your lazy and ignorant narcissism right now. I want a change to happen. Corbyn style change. Real change. What's it going to be?



CHARLES BOVARY THINKS HARD. HE HAS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE. HE KNOWS THERE ARE MEN FAR MORE WORTHY OF EMMA BOVARY THAN HE AND IF SHE GOES ALL HIS WEALTH AND POWER MAY NOT BE AS ENJOYABLE. HE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE AND DOESN'T WANT TO RISK IT.



CHARLES BOVARY

Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we find you an orphaned Iraqi child, and do something nice for them.



EMMA BOVARY

That's just cheap and nasty. No. Not unless -





SHE HAS AN IDEA. CUT TO..





INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND A GROUP OF WHITE AND TOKEN RACISTS WHO BELIEVE IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS AS AN AXIOMATIC DOCUMENT ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR NEW FRIEND BORIS THE BARBARIAN.



BORIS THE BARBARIAN

So I said: "but you're a bloody scotsman so why don't you sod off!"



APPLAUSE FROM QUACKQUACK AND HIS COURTIERS.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Let's sing a hymn now. Hymn number 90210, all things on my credit card.



THEY SING.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Amen. So, Boris. Tell me more. Godot is back and on the loose again, you say. This is troublesome. I don't remember how it ended last time.



[ONE OF HIS AIDES EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT THEY ALL DIED AND GODOT TURNED OUT TO BE A MYSTICAL FORCE BEYOND THEIR COMPREHENSION, PROBABLY EXISTING IN AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE AS DIMENSIONS BUT WHAT TO GODOT ARE MERELY STRANDS OF A DIFFERENT AND 'HIGHER' PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER.]



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

What I want to know is whether Louis the Sixteenth and his hot wife can come down and hang with us while we figure out how to kill Godot.



CUT TO..



INT. CHARLES BOVARY'S SPORTS CAR.



EMMA BOVARY

So what do you say?



CHARLES BOVARY

I don't even know Mel Brooks.



EMMA BOVARY

Rubbish. You can get hold of anyone you want. You are one of the most evil and powerful men alive today. There's almost nobody you can't unearth with a few threats to someone who owes you, or a bit of leaning on someone who's scared of you. Mel Brooks or divorce.



CHARLES BOVARY

Why Mel Brooks?



EMMA BOVARY

Introducing an Iraqi child who has been robbed of her entire family by worthless racist western scumbags to Mel Brooks can give that child back some kind of faith in humanity, some sort of understanding that even in the west, low and depraved though it is, there are great people who loathe those who behave the way she has been led by our actions and inactions to believe we are all taught to live.



CHARLES BOVARY

Alright alright, I don't need a lecture. I will get Mel Brooks. Now can we check into a hotel?



EMMA BOVARY

After I speak to Mel Brooks.



CHARLES BOVARY

Fine. Turn on the car phone will you, dear. I'd better call my secretary.





CUT TO..



EIGHTIES' AMERICAN TV DETECTIVE DRAMA SET. JIHADIS BEAT WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN, FROM ITALIANS TO JAMAICANS, GATHER TOGETHER IN GANGS AND KILL SECURITY GUARDS AND POLICEWOMEN TO PASS THE TIME. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS WALKING ALONG WITH A YOYO, LOOKING TO DEAL WITH WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE ANTI-WHITE VILLAINY, IN THE NAME OF PROVING THAT AUTHORITARIAN FORCE IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH NON WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS.





DEMPSEY

I really don't think the screenwriter has ever even seen a single episode of this show, it just had a famous name and he probably Googled it and was amazed at the sheer calumny it embodies, a typical boorish western establishment racist, classist, fascist demonisation of non white people, muslims, socialists, civilians (rather than police, security forces, armies and others with 'the right to kill baddies') and others. Very blatantly. He would never have watched such crap. Have you read the Waiting for Godot screenplay? This writer has some taste. Do me a favour. He doesn't even know which one of us is the American one and which is the English one.



MAKEPEACE

Well it doesn't matter, it's the same actor, isn't it?



DEMPSEY

Yes, I like that very much. I have a feeling the writer will merely write us as Richard Briers talking to himself, partly in an American accent, and will leave it up to us to decide which character, at any given time, has the American accent.



MAKEPEACE

I like that very much.



DEMPSEY

Would you like some tea?



MAKEPEACE

Yes, I'd love some.



DEMPSEY (POURS TEA)

I think that Makepeace sounds like the English name, it has a sort of rustic bizarreness about it. Dempsey sounds much more American.



MAKEPEACE

I would say the opposite; Makepeace has a weird American unorthodoxy about it, whilst Dempsey sounds like some fellow down the King's road.



DEMPSEY

Nonsense.



MAKEPEACE

Look, what if we both use the same accent, or both use different American accents?



DEMPSEY

But that wouldn't be faithful to the text.



MAKEPEACE

What text? The screenwriter is parodying the people who even watch Dempsey and Makepeace, and its writers, and the issue of parodying the show itself doesn't even come up - the writer, as you say, has probably never even watched it - I mean what an appalling show it is, sowing racist stereotypes and blind obedience to violent authority in the minds of the young and impressionable?



DEMPSEY

You've got a good point there, Makepeace, I say we both use my own normal English accent, a little bit Chiswick.



MAKEPEACE

No, I think I should do Boston and you should do Louisiana.



DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?



MAKEPEACE

That's it, that's it. You be Louisiana and I'll be Boston.



DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?



MAKEPEACE

Very humorous.



DEMPSEY

Oh give me a home where no liberals roam and the folks all think the same way, where each house has a gun, a big helluva one and strangers are told "make my day"..





CUT TO..





INT. GAY NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT. CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE SIPPING DRINKS IN A PRIVATE ROOM.



CHARLES BOVARY

Then she tells me she wants me to introduce Mel Brooks to an Iraqi orphan.



AMERICAN SPY (CAN'T CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER)

So where is she now?



CHARLES BOVARY

I left her with a "headache". Her desire to not have sex with me is definitely at an all time high.



AMERICAN SPY

So we have all night?



PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY ANSWERS IT.



AMERICAN SPY

Emma! What a surprise. I was just thinking about you.





CUT TO..



EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, ON THE PHONE TO AMERICAN SPY.



EMMA BOVARY

I've sent Charles to get hold of Mel Brooks for me, so we have all night if you want to meet me. You're almost as bad as he is. When's the last time we did anything but talk on the phone?



CUT TO..



CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY HAVE STARTED TO HAVE SEX.



AMERICAN SPY

Emma, darling, I hope you won't take this the wrong way but I have to take care of something before we can finish this conversation. Stay where you are. I will get to you as soon as I can, as fast as my feet can carry me. Don't move from where you are.



HE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND TELLS HIS GOOGLE VOICE-ACTIVATED THING TO PLAY THE BOLERO.



CUT TO..



EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, FEELING SAD AND DEJECTED, MARRIED TO A MAN WHO CHEATS ON HER, CHEATING ON HIM WITH A MAN WHO ALSO CHEATS ON HER, ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALISE THAT IT'S WITH HER OWN HUSBAND, DISILLUSIONED AT NEOLIBERAL AND RIGHT WING MODERN EARTH, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE NOTICES JIMMINY GLICK STARING AT HER FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR. HE IS NOT IN HER ROOM, ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT. JIMMINY GLICK IS EATING A CHAIR.



EMMA BOVARY

Aren't you David Lynch?



JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick. You're confused because Martin Short usually plays me. That's not important right now. What's important is the three strange men behind me.



HE WALKS AWAY AND SHE NOTICES MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE SITTING ON HER BED, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT, PLAYING POKER FOR THE SAME THREE OPENED PACKETS OF PRETZELS WHICH HAVE FEATURED IN ALL FILMS AND TV EVER, IN WHICH PEOPLE PLAYED POKER FOR PRETZELS OR WHILST EATING PRETZELS. MAN WITH GUN LOOKS UP AND SEES HER AND IS AS SHOCKED AS SHE IS.



CUT TO...



INT. HOTEL ROOM. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE PLAYING POKER FOR PRETZELS.



MAN WITH GUN

Look Baldrick, in the mirror. It's Emma Bovary. We shouldn't be sitting around wasting our time, we have a job to do.



HE WALKS OVER TO THE MIRROR.



MAN WITH GUN

Can you hear me Emma Bovary?



EMMA BOVARY

Who are you?



MAN WITH GUN (TO BALDRICK)

She can hear me.



MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Don't worry about who I am, I'm a friend. If you're Emma Bovary, sit tight, we've come to save you from Bourgeois Hell.



EMMA BOVARY

Finally, someone who understands. Who are you? WHERE are you?



MAN WITH GUN

Uh - not quite sure.



BALDRICK

I thought you said we're in the dream of a yucca plant.



MAN WITH GUN

It might be a fern Baldrick. Or anything. Probably a pot plant. You're being too specific. It could be any pot plant.



MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Do you have any pot plants nearby? Any unusual flora and fauna love?



EMMA BOVARY

So you're mad? So I'm caught between neoliberals, tories, entirely mindless advertising executives and a mad person?



MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not mad, I'm - look, wherever you are, you may be in danger. If there is a pot plant somewhere in your vicinity you must get away from it, or destroy it or something.



EMMA BOVARY

There's some daffodils in a vase.



MAN WITH GUN

No it would be a pot plant. If it's a vase you're okay.



BALDRICK

What about the fridge?



WHITE NARRATOR

I've checked, there's only beer.



EMMA BOVARY ALMOST JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN, SINCE WHITE NARRATOR IS NOW IN HER HOTEL ROOM.



EMMA BOVARY

Who the hell are you? Wait a minute. You're Edward Norton. Can I get your autograph, it's for, ahem, my daughter.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he's playing -



MAN WITH GUN PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND HE FALLS FLAT ON THE GROUND



EMMA BOVARY

What the hell?



MAN WITH GUN

It's alright, I think our meat-head friend there managed to break through some kind of spacetime barrier in to your part of the world we're trapped in which, you may want to take note right now, is the dream of a pot plant. No ordinary dream, a tormented dream beset with fear of apocalypse and the banality of evil.



EMMA BOVARY

Hence the choice of subject matter.



MAN WITH GUN

That's right. And we have to prevent the degeneration of this dream into the worst sort of meltdown imaginable. Last time we had to deal with nuclear and military meltdown. This time it's going to be worse, the author is clearly going to take it to a new level of horror, whatever that is.



EMMA BOVARY

I don't understand. Are we in a screenplay, as you imply with your mention of an author, or are we in the mind of a pot plant?



CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL AND INTO THE ROOM, WHERE IT GRINDS TO A HALT.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

We had this conversation already. I think it's a dream. We're all asleep and dreaming of being here, in this situation where someone is telling us that all of reality, even outside our dream, is a dream.



MAN WITH GUN

Not this time, Captain Willard. This is just the main dream, not a dream inside a dream.



BERNIE SANDERS ENTERS



BERNIE SANDERS

Hang on, hang on, if this is just the main dream, how did Willard get here, to urban Europe, from Guam, in that boat? Not just so fast, but how could the boat get into this room? Where is the water?



JIMMINY GLICK APPEARS AGAIN.



JIMMINY GLICK

I think I can explain that.



BERNIE SANDERS

You're David Lynch.



JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick, in the script. Let me explain -



THEY LEAVE, WITH GLICK EXPLAINING TO SANDERS WHAT HE FEELS MAY BE GOING ON IN THIS SCREENPLAY



EMMA BOVARY

Well that was odd.



BALDRICK

Forgive me for intruding, my lords and ladies, but I still think King Turnip may be behind all this and we would be well advised to get out of here and conceal ourselves from the Turnip Royal Guard, which will make us all into shrubberies, all of them forming, from an aerial view, a cleverly constructed agriculture-based image of infamous comedian and travel writer Michael Palin.



EMMA BOVARY

Again. Things are getting very odd.



MAN WITH GUN

You're telling me. We're doing another one, they told me. You're the main character, they told me. This time you, the non white anti-hero, save the rich white woman from horror and grief, and she's a real feminist too. And what do I find? First they force me to have Edward Norton shadowing my insanity at every move, to try and pretend that you can benefit from white privilege but also be against the white-privilege-centric establishment at the same time, Charlie Sheen is back, probably hoping to stick his unmentionables into anything which can wear underwear, temporarily of course, and now David Lynch and Bernie Sanders are trying to turn it into a party political broadcast.



EMMA BOVARY

I thought you said this was a dream.



MAN WITH GUN

I think it's a screenplay of a dream of a dream of a screenplay.



THE PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE VANISHES AGAIN EXCEPT EMMA BOVARY. SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE. AMERICAN SPY IS AT THE OTHER END.



AMERICAN SPY

Darling, I can't believe this is happening now, but I've just had an urgent call from Jimmy Carr asking me to help him figure out the best way for him to give charity to the bioweapons department of the Israeli military. I need to get hold of Deniro and talk to him, he remembers how I arranged that the last time. It's a lot of money. A LOT of foul mouth racist macho people spend their money on Jimmy Carr's professional imperial juvenility. You're going to have to manage without me this time.



EMMA BOVARY

But -



AMERICAN SPY

Sorry I have to go now. I'll call you the moment I've finished my work.



HE HANGS UP AND GOES BACK TO ROGERING CHARLES BOVARY.



EMMA BOVARY (TO HERSELF)

Why did he say professional imperial juvenility - a man as ignorant as him sees that as high satire, as attacks on the corrupt - whilst anyone of intelligence couldn't possibly compare Jimmy Carr's puerile machismo to the anti-establishment wit of Jonathan Swift, or even Vic Reeves on a good day, that's not the sort of thing these backward lovers of mine usually see to be the case. I don't understand. Something odd really is going on. Was I dreaming all those strange people?



MAN WITH GUN REAPPEARS, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR. THE OTHER TWO ARE NOT THERE, NOR IS WILLARD OR HIS BOAT.



MAN WITH GUN

No I don't think so. And I think the reason he spoke out of character is to do with Godot.



EMMA BOVARY

But Waiting for Godot was written a long time after Flaubert and has apparently nothing to do with Madam Bovary. What has Godot got to do with it?



MAN WITH GUN

I'm afraid this is the second film. You didn't see the first one. It was insane. Nukes flying. Fat dumb American presidents running around the world while the author played fast and loose with eighties stereotype-laden comedy and drama characters. Didn't end well. Tony Blair almost became involved. And even though the writer cut him out before the very end, it was still pretty much the most grim ending possible.



EMMA BOVARY

And you think this time it'll be even worse?



MAN WITH GUN

Logically there's no alternative possibility we can deduce to be probable. Is there?



EMMA BOVARY

No, I suppose not. And you say that if we find the right pot plant and eliminate it the whole show is over and Dawn French will spring up and do her best rendition of "Here comes the bride".



MAN WITH GUN

Yes, I think that's a pretty apt metaphor.



EMMA BOVARY PUTS ON HER COAT AND HAT AND PICKS UP HER HANDBAG AND SHE AND MAN WITH GUN LEAVE HER HOTEL ROOM.



CUT TO..



INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON. LOUIS XVI AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE EATING BATTENBERGS AND DRINKING CUPS OF TEA.



LOUIS XVI

TONY, TONY, I JUST GOT A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I've told you before, Vic, you can't shorten Marie Antoinette to Tony.



LOUIS XVI

Why not? You called me Vic.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yes but that was a departure from the fiction, that was just a step into the world beyond the fiction, although under the circumstances it's hard to say in which direction the step moved. Anyway, it's not the same at all. You can call me Mary for short if you like.



LOUIS XVI

Alright Mary. So what should I do? Should I accept his friend request?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Why not Vic? He's a nice bloke. Has his own set of golf clubs and a proper barometer. We may need to borrow either. I think the president would be a useful friend even if he is a bit of a racist genocidal maniac who's obsessed with sex and is only a gender-egalitarian insofar as he treats everyone with equal contempt and equally as nothing but a means to an end, regardless of gender, although gender may impact the ends involved or desired. I say go for it. You added Henry Kissinger, didn't you? How can you really sink any lower?



LOUIS XVI

I could. I haven't replied to Alistair Campbell yet.



LOUIS XVI ACCEPTS PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK'S FRIEND REQUEST AND THEN GETS A PRIVATE MESSAGE IN WHICH THE PRESIDENT INVITES LOUIS XVI AND HIS HOT WIFE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM IN THE WAR ROOM IN WASHINGTON.



LOUIS XVI

Mary, Mary, the President wants to meet me and my hot wife.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You can't do that, Vic. You don't have a hot wife. Your wife is played by me and I'm hardly hot. I'm a man.



LOUIS XVI

Well if the president's gay then you might be hot.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Have you met the president? He's a proper village idiot dinosaur-man. Purely paleolithic. The fact that this screenplay is littered with gender shuffling and actors playing characters the wrong gender, interspersed with gay plots, would totally throw him. He's going to be pretty upset if you walk into the war room with a man dressed as a female french aristocrat.



LOUIS XVI

So what are we going to to Bob? I mean Tony. I mean Mary.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm thinking, Vic. I'm thinking.



MARIE ANTOINETTE THINKS.



CUT TO..



EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE MOST LIKELY CHARACTERISTICS OF HIS/HER SHOW.



DEMPSEY

So we know to begin with that there must be some sort of personality clash between the two police officers, there always is. In Due South you had the lazy one and the overzealous one. Generally speaking if you have two cops, the purpose of having two is that they argue with each other and take very different approaches, leading them to constantly bounce the plot in different directions.



MAKEPEACE

You're probably right but you're overlooking the most important characteristic - by essentially legitimising both proper, indeed over-zealous use of law and authority at the same time as improper, lazy or even purely delusionary methods, including abandoning things like the presumption of innocence, indeed due process, indeed civilised behaviour, the primary purpose of any cop show or similar is to remind civilians that authority-figures should, gladly, be given absolute power over all life which appears on their tv show.



DEMPSEY

You've got a point there, Makers old son.



MAKEPEACE

If you're doing the English accent then I have to be the woman don't I? I mean if you speak in an obviously English accent people will just assume you're Richard Briers and imagine you to be the male. So you can't call me old son.



DEMPSEY

Alright then, old girl.



MAKEPEACE

Personally I think the author's taking the whole sending up of the pantomime-like ostentatious exhibitionist nature of western 'gay rights' flag wavers, most of whom actually don't care about gay rights and aren't gay but need a whole armoury of virtue signals to use to cover their tracks as they plough on each day with genocide, ecocide and species-wide collective suicide, just a tiny bit too far.



DEMPSEY

How much is a tiny bit?



MAKEPEACE

Three or four hundred words. Not much in contrast to say a medium sized technical lecture by Chomsky.



DEMPSEY

But a lot longer than a tweet from the president of the USA.



MAKEPEACE

An advert for dog food would have more words than the average nugget of 'wisdom' from the Americans' infamous tweeting president. Words are not the president's strong point.



DEMPSEY

Does the president indeed have any strong points?



CUT TO..



EXT. GUAM. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS SOMEHOW BACK IN GUAM, STILL IN THE BOAT, WITH THE CREW, BUT NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF GUAM HIGH STREET, BY THE LOCAL TESCO OPPOSITE THE KRISPY KREME.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I had no idea what the hell was going on. I knew that the screenwriter was showing the audience that the president really did have a sort of 'strong' front end, which was me, but I wasn't sure if the author was, in fact, mocking me. Bouncing me around reality like a basketball, robbed of any self-determination or even rational reality in which my character might at least be able to build itself some humanlike narrative so as to be recognised as more than a mere punch and judy puppet.



MAN WITH GUN COMES OUT OF THE TESCO WITH A BAG CONTAINING ALL THE CHILLI PLANTS IN THAT PARTICULAR TESCO BRANCH, IE THE GUAM HIGH STREET BRANCH. HE WALKS OVER TO CAPTAIN WILLARD AND PLACES THE PLANTS IN FRONT OF WILLARD. HE THEN TAKES WILLARD'S GUN FROM WILLARD, AS THOUGH WILLARD'S MIND IS ENTIRELY AT HIS DISPOSAL, AND HE SHOOTS ALL OF THE PLANTS.



MAN WITH GUN

Nope. We're still here.



BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR APPEAR ALSO, COMING FROM KRISPY KREME.



BALDRICK

Do you think there's a subtle joke about racial profiling hidden in this scene, my lord?



MAN WITH GUN

Very possibly, Baldrick.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I know you, you're Godot.



MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not, I'm Man with Gun, can't you read. Look, it's right there.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

My mistake, sorry. Should we all just go somewhere, play some poker, eat some chilli, drink a few beers, that sort of thing? I mean we don't have to play it the way the screenwriter wants us to. We can outwit him.



EMMA BOVARY APPEARS ALSO, FROM TESCO, WITH A FULL TROLLEY LADEN WITH GLUTEO-LIPID MAXIMISATION RESOURCES.



EMMA BOVARY

Or her, captain.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Madam Bovary!



EMMA BOVARY

Captain Willard.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I have a bedroom on the boat. We can move straight on to the part of the film which you're here primarily to cater to, assuming this is standard western 'art'.



EMMA BOVARY

That's quite an assumption, captain. I'm afraid you Americans overlook that little devilish thing called the details, when you cast yourselves and figure out your plot points and mid points and what nots.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I don't follow.



EMMA BOVARY

Oh but you do. You are nothing but a sheep. You tart yourself up like a cheap heterosexual male whore. And you think all I need is a good seeing to when the one thing I need least is more sex or the ego of another penis-with-man-attached.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

You're very harsh. I don't understand. I'm the hero. I'm here to save you. Or why would I be played by Charlie Sheen?



EMMA BOVARY

My friend Man with Gun here has explained to me the fact that in the first film you thought you were there to save the world from Godot when in reality it was up to Godot to save the world from you and everyone else in the film. In this film clearly most of the same characteristics are true - you, in short - are no force for good. No matter what you seem, all you really are is an engine powering the motion of this film towards a bad, a very bad, filthy, dirty ending. Why else cast YOU? And indeed me.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I see your point. But what about him? Why do you think he's the good guy? Everywhere he goes everything melts into chaos. And he's a maniac. He keeps shooting plants. Ever since I first met him he's been doing it. Just out of the blue. This time he bought them. The man bought seventeen chilli plants for putting on your windowsill, he took my assault rifle and he blew them away. Is this a man you feel can guide you through these troubled times to a stable future?



EMMA BOVARY

I don't expect you to understand that, but do understand this: he's the only man in the screenplay who doesn't try to have sex with me whilst also not being gay. THAT is why I trust him and not you. For him this film is about something else, it's not a porn film as it is for you and Tyler Durden over there. For him this film is nothing more than a continuation across the spacetime continuum of the nightmarish vision behind works like Flaubert's Madam Bovary, and so much more, from Gilliam's Brazil and Ionesco's Rhinoceros to the words and works, long gone, of the nameless poets of the distant past who surely first lit this fire which has burned so brightly over the ages and in the faces of so many fascist tyrants, saying to each and every one: you can bully them, mother fucker, but YOU CANNOT BULLY ME. What I have written I have written.



CUT TO..



INT. HOTEL ROOM WHERE CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE CONTINUING TO HAVE GAY SEX LONG INTO THE NIGHT. THEY TAKE A BREAK TO WATCH THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST AND TO PLAY RUGBY. AFTER RUCKING AND MAULING AND SINGING ABBA SONGS AND SUCH THEY TAKE A FURTHER BREAK TO GO TO THE GYM AND THEN AFTER MORE GAY SEX DECIDE TO HAVE MORE CONVERSATION, SINCE THEY'RE BOTH SO GOOD WITH WORDS AND IT SEEMS A SHAME NOT TO.



CHARLES BOVARY

So do you know where I can find Mel Brooks?



AMERICAN SPY

Didn't I tell you? I spoke to someone at the Israeli embassy and they found us a Mel Brooks already. He's waiting for us in the lobby.



CHARLES BOVARY

A Mel Brooks? So not the actual one?



AMERICAN SPY

Well, when there is such an oversupply of celebrities and actors in the west, who needs the real thing? There's always a dozen copies and duplicates and potential posers or imposters for any celebrity worth a few bucks.



CHARLES BOVARY

I don't know. My wife is quite intelligent. I know you wouldn't expect it of me, but there it is. My one mistake. I married a woman who considers her mind to be more important than her vagina.



AMERICAN SPY

I suppose if you find someone like that what else can you do. It's got to be worth a lot of money, a one in a million like that.



CHARLES BOVARY

Particularly to a pair of randy gay men like ourselves, eh?



AMERICAN SPY CHUCKLES



AMERICAN SPY

Do you think she's gone to sleep by now?



CHARLES BOVARY

Indubitably. Dreaming of enabling children to live natural and calm lives or some other insane far-left fantasy. She hangs around with too many of these anti-semitic anti-genocide people who don't realise that unless we kill all the people we say we're going to kill, they may try to kill us first. We have to deter them.



AMERICAN SPY

Indeed, genocide is the only deterrant. Hippies and far-left terrorists just don't understand. Their answer to everything is violence or just being annoying.



CHARLES BOVARY

They should be lined up against the wall and shot.



THE TWO TAKE THE LIFT DOWN TO THE LOBBY WHERE MEL BROOKS IS WAITING FOR THEM, EATING A KEBAB AND DRINKING BEER.



CHARLES BOVARY

But that's Johnny Vegas. She'll know. She's not stupid.



AMERICAN SPY

Yes but she'll have to play along, it's part of the fiction. She can't very well argue against actors playing characters in this film. What does she expect? Some sort of Pirandello-meets-Douglas-Adams type of thing? Before you know it we'll be back to Richard Briers talking to himself which, even if it is entertaining, does distract us completely from the key nodes of the plot of this film.



CHARLES BOVARY

All the gay sex has caused me to forget what they are. Please refresh my memory. What is actually going on in this film other than gay sex, dubiously portrayed through gender-mismatched actors such that the heterosexual relationships are actually gay and the gay relationships are actually heterosexual.



AMERICAN SPY

If you recall we decided to use your wife to kick start a fake revolution which will result in the empowerment of a global monarch operating as the puppet of the new Israeli government.



CHARLES BOVARY

Oh yes, the Israelis. All that killing and genocide and torture. Come on, let's go back upstairs.



MEL BROOKS

Don't you want to hear my act?



AMERICAN SPY

It's okay, you're part of an insignificant side-plot. Do it how you like.

(HE GIVES MEL BROOKS A PILE OF CASH)

Go and get yourself a drink, just be back here at lunchtime.



MEL BROOKS

(LOOKS AT THE WAD OF CASH)

Maybe I'll get myself a bar.



AMERICAN SPY

Just get back here at lunchtime, that's all. We need you to talk to some Iraqi kid.



CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY GO BACK UPSTAIRS AND CONTINUE TO HAVE GAY SEX UNTIL THE AUDIENCE NO LONGER FINDS IT NOVEL AND INTERESTING AND FINDS SOME OTHER NICHE BEHAVIOUR TO CHAMPION AS THE EVIDENCE OF THEIR ADVANCEMENT.



CUT TO..



INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Dan Hodges?



LOUIS XVI

Surely he's a man too?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Don't make me laugh. He boasts about making entire groups of people froth and foam at the mouth in anger, as he did when Corbyn lost the election to Johnson. Even though right after he had been promoting making people froth and foam at the mouth to 'celebrate' the killing of 'jihadi john', some people frothed and foamed so much they massacred the writers of Charlie Hebdo - days after Mr 'make them froth and foam at the mouth' had been proudly advocating justice by summary execution on twitter.



LOUIS XVI

So that makes him a child, not a woman. This film is lampooning fake feminists, not women Bob. You need someone who can look sexy. Dan Hodges won't do. His cowardice is irrelevant, he looks like an ape. President Quackquack will not fancy him. You need a better idea. What about Winona Ryder?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

He'd snap her like a twig. You need someone more Viking.



AMERICAN SPY SUDDENLY REVEALS HIMSELF FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.



AMERICAN SPY

What you need, if you'll forgive my listening in on you and treating you as fair game -



LOUIS XVI

You work for the Israeli State and the American military, do you think we would ascribe any other ethical modality to you?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You tell him Vic. I'm sick of his smart arse ideas. They always go wrong.



AMERICAN SPY

Hear me out. I have the ideal woman for you to use. Emma Bovary. I'm her agent.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Is she doing gigs still? I thought she'd retired after that standup night in Merseyside she did went really wrong and she was chased away by a mob of female dockyard workers.



LOUIS XVI

I like this idea very much. I'm going to buy myself a new crown and sceptre and a new suit from Giorgi Armani, and some after shave.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

But you don't shave, Vic. You're just tarting yourself up so you can have sweaty sex with Emma Bovary by seducing her with a combination of your northern charm and your dashing metropolitan dress sense.



AMERICAN SPY

So it's all set, then?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yeah, I think Vic's up for it. I mean Louis.



AMERICAN SPY

I'll be back with her in 24 hours. Then we can fly you to Washington and have some fun. In the meantime I'll leave Kiefer Sutherland with you to shoot some extra footage to edit in later.



AMERICAN SPY LEAVES. KIEFER SUTHERLAND SITS DOWN ON A HIGH CHAIR AND BEGINS TO EAT A RUSK.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Excuse me, but what the Turkey Dinner Marketing Campaign are you supposed to be doing here? This scene ends in a few lines so I don't know what you're going to do for 24 hours, while we wait for our next shoot.



LOUIS XVI

Yeah, I can't hang about here with Kiefer Sutherland for 24 hours. A man needs to eat and sleep.



KIEFER SUTHERLAND

I think the idea is that footage of me spending the next 24 hours with you, minute by minute, will be run in diptych next to the main film. Surely that's right up your street, true parody. I mean "24" was awful, such horrible propaganda fuelling xenophobia and division and glorifying and justifying violence and barbarism.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Ordinarily I'd like to stay and agree with you but we're going off set now and then we'll just be ourselves.



LOUIS XVI

Bob will go and break a few apples in half with his thumb and I will paint a picture of a member of the British Royal Family looking like a miner.



KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Fair enough, I can't fault you there. My dad was really good in MASH, the film. Anyway, we may as well let Richard Briers have a scene now, we can always just leave the camera in the fridge and film whatever's inside it for the rest of the 24 hours.





CUT TO..





EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. BATMAN HAS JUST RESCUED AN ARMED ISRAELI FROM A PALESTINIAN BABY IN A PRAM AND IS JUST EATING THE BABY, HAVING FRIED IT UP, WITH PEPPERCORN SAUCE, LISTENING TO ZIGGY MARLEY TUNES WITH A MACHINE POWERED BY INTEL WHILST MORRISSEY GIVES HIM A BACK-RUB.



DEMPSEY

I say I say I say. What have we here?



MAKEPEACE

It's Batman, he's on our side.



BATMAN

Hello Dempsey and Makepeace. I liked you in that film Arthur. I thought you were shorter.



DEMPSEY

I think you have me confused with Dudley Moore.



BATMAN

Is he your twin brother?



DEMPSEY

Why don't you just go back to the Baywatch set and put on some lotion or something.



BATMAN

What about Knight Rider? I haven't always been obsessed with my body.



MAKEPEACE

And that's another thing. Why do you superheroes always dress up in the most flamboyant and seemingly homosexual clothes possible? I don't understand. Generation upon generation of satirist has lampooned you for it and you still do it. Nowadays in CGI and with a budget bigger than the annual food budget of a small third world nation or a big American or British city under corporate rule. Why do you do it? Are you oblivious to how stupid you look?



BATMAN

Oh come on, there's no need to punch so low. Do you think I enjoy being famous only because largely brainless young women fantasize about me or even more brainless young men to want women to fantasize about them and feel that copying me is the way to do it, presumably not a bad guess for people that stupid.



DEMPSEY

You're not trying to pretend that underneath that show tunes, baywatch, american authoritarian hide-in-the-shadows enforcer is a person capable of things like mutual aid, critical self-analysis and evolution? Really? You're having me on.



BATMAN

Look I just came here to help some Israelis, same as you.



MAKEPEACE

Don't imagine I'm here helping Israelis gladly. I promise you the very first chance I get to truly defy the part I've been cast in I will, and I will bring down the house.



BATMAN

Okay, but your mental breakdown aside, what I came to your set to tell you was that my associates are planning to kick off a major coup, using Emma Bovary as the pivot to the coup. I think you and I should get down to where the action is and make sure that we stand up for justice, white racial preference and the AngloZionist and Other White American way.



DEMPSEY

Well why didn't you say so? Thanks very much for the gold and frankincense. Don't worry so much about the myrrh next time. Let's go.





CUT TO.. A CLOUD FLOATING ABOVE TRAFALGAR SQUARE. MAN WITH GUN IS IN THE LOTUS POSITION. BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR AND EMMA BOVARY ARE PLAYING CANASTA.



EMMA BOVARY

So what you're saying is that if we find the plant and kill it the whole of this horrific ordeal involving sadistic men in suits, hyperconsumer morons, hypersexual hyperconsumer morons, sorry, will come to a dramatic end?



MAN WITH GUN

Not necessarily end. Certainly a stationary point of some sort.



EMMA BOVARY

Forgive me but I'm not a mathematician. What's a stationary point?



MAN WITH GUN

Well it's not an end, but it's a kind of pause, before something else happens, in this case something else terrible.



EMMA BOVARY

By which you mean -



MAN WITH GUN

It'll turn out that whatever we kill is just the dream of something dreaming it was the plant having the dream. Probably. If it went that way the first time why should it not continue in that vein until the author has exhausted all edges of this universe to test and has been through all those institutions and individuals she or he wants or needs to challenge, ridicule and humiliate.



EMMA BOVARY

So we could end up shooting the plant, ending the bourgeois farce, and then suddenly turn up in an entirely new film called Planet of the Sales Apes, or something.



BALDRICK

That, my lord and lady, is precisely the sort of thing the screenwriter would throw in if the next script were indeed going to be called that.



WHITE NARRATOR

But what the screenwriter also then get you, Baldrick, to bring this up, out of some sort of vanity, or an additional theatrical device? Or would she or he throw himself or herself against a wall using only their tie, because of the capacity to defy actual laws of physics.



MAN WITH GUN

In a dream there are no laws of physics, you forget Norton. Remember, this film is not about white saviours, it's about me, saving her, from a lot of idiots.



EMMA BOVARY

Well it's hardly saving me if we're all going to end up in the next film anyway.



MAN WITH GUN

Alright, temporarily relieving you of extreme stress and horror.



EMMA BOVARY'S PHONE RINGS. SUDDENLY THE CLOUD VANISHES AND THEY REAPPEAR IN HER HOTEL ROOM, IN THE MIRROR. SHE ANSWERS IT AND SPEAKS, BUT SHE IS STILL ONLY IN THE MIRROR.



CHARLES BOVARY

Emma darling, I have Mel Brooks with me. Meet me at Macdonald's on the Strand. The Charity Corporation is sending over an Iraqi orphan to meet us there for lunch.



EMMA BOVARY (REAPPEARS IN HOTEL ROOM BUT THE OTHER THREE REMAIN IN THE MIRROR)

You came through. I don't know what to say. I'll get dressed and see you there.



SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND LOOKS IN THE MIRROR WHERE THE THREE STRANGERS ARE, MAN WITH GUN STILL IN THE LOTUS POSITION.



MAN WITH GUN

It's not Mel Brooks, you know, it's Johnny Vegas pretending to be him.



EMMA BOVARY

I did read the cast list at the start you know.



MAN WITH GUN

Well that won't have told you about the Iraqi orphan.



EMMA BOVARY

What about the Iraqi orphan?



MAN WITH GUN

They vetted her, they went through fifty and found the one who could most successfully be trained to say "I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine."



CUT TO.. INT. MACDONALD'S. EMMA BOVARY STANDS TO GREET THE IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL PRESENTED TO HER.



IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL

I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine.



EMMA BOVARY

I'm very pleased to meet you. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine called Mel Brooks, he's very funny and I think he'll make you see that the Americans who told you they are your overlords are just fascist berks and that a good American is someone like my friend Mel.



MEL BROOKS

Pleased to meet ya, Iraqi orphan.



IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL

But you're Johnny Vegas. I've seen Blazing Saddles you know, and Shooting Stars. I do know difference. Anyway, it doesn't matter because I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine.



EMMA BOVARY

This isn't going the way I'd imagined.



CHARLES BOVARY

I did try to tell you, darling. These people are not like us. As Boris Johnson said, they are centuries behind us. Look at their attitude to anal sex, for example. Centuries behind us. And they don't drink. Can you believe they don't drink?



EMMA BOVARY

Sometimes I think you do this to me to actually make me not want to have sex with you so you can go off and have a romp with a gay lover or something. Honestly Charles, you are basically the worst man in the world to be married to. What the hell was Flaubert thinking, setting me up with you? What a cruel cruel piss-taker he was.



HER PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY SPEAKS.



AMERICAN SPY

Hello darling, I want to take you somewhere amazing. You'll have to pretend to be the Queen of France, though. Can you meet me in 10 minutes in Fleet Street?



EMMA BOVARY

Very easily. (TURNS TO CHARLES) Charles, you, the northern comedian and the house-trained Iraqi slave-girl can conclude this scene by yourselves. I'm going to do something I can regret and forget how much I hate the tedious and banal character of your pseudo-glamorous life.



SHE WALKS OUT.



CUT TO..



INT. CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK, WHITE NARRATOR, CAPTAIN WILLARD, RANDOM SOLDIER, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER, ARE PLAYING POKER, FOR CASH, WHILST EATING THE SAME PRETZELS ALWAYS FEATURED IN ALL TV AND FILM POKER GAMES.



MAN WITH GUN

What I'd like to know, gentlemen, is where the hell we are.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I thought you said we're in a dream, or a screenplay.



MAN WITH GUN

Don't get cocky with me, Captain. I'm the only one who ends up surviving, other than Madam Bovary, you must surely realise.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

How can the plot of a story be obvious only half way through?



COLONEL POTTER

How can it not be? The plot of every work of art is woven into the smallest part. You could tell just from the title what would happen. Instead of the Bourgeoisie continuing business as usual and the outlier vanishing into nonentity, the outlier survives and the entire Bourgeoisie turns out to be the insane dream of a possibly disturbed member of the plant species, put out of its misery by an angry black man from the north of England.



MAN WITH GUN

As I was saying, the reason I'd like to know where we are is because I'm losing time here. Somewhere either in our vicinity or eluding me entirely is a plant which needs to be killed so that we can escape the insane horror of this thread of possibilities, floating as they are, around the spacetime continuum or continuums.



BALDRICK

Are you certain, my lord, that King Turnip isn't at the heart of this untoward status quo?



CLINGER

Are you nuts?



MAN WITH GUN

That joke was far too predictable. Clearly we are getting ever closer to that moment where the screenwriter has compacted so many good threads together that the final horrific descent into the delta of this dark farce rolls down like a waterfall at the end of a seemingly calm river.



WHITE NARRATOR

They've got Emma Bovary and they are taking her to the War Room so that the American Agent can begin his dark games to take over the world on behalf of Israel and sell the King of France to an alien species for experimentation.



MAN WITH GUN

How do you know that? This film isn't about white saviours. Who gave YOU inside information on the unfolding of this narrative, boyscout?



LIFTS WHITE NARRATOR UP BY HIS BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD T-SHIRT AND HOLDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.



WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, okay, I admit it. It was King Turnip.



MAN WITH GUN THROWS WHITE NARRATOR TO THE GROUND.



MAN WITH GUN

Bollocks. There's no such person.



BALDRICK

See, I told you my lord. This is King Turnip's doing. King Turnip and the Knights of the Folding Plastic Garden Set.



WHITE NARRATOR

No, that's just insane. I'm talking about King Turnip, the powerful billionaire who owns Ronald MacDonald.



MAN WITH GUN

Rubbish. MacDonald's is owned by some guy called Clive or Andrew or something.



WHITE NARRATOR

Not MacDonald's, Ronald MacDonald, the burger-selling clown and Mafia Gangland Warlord.



MAN WITH GUN

Oh, I see.



LOOKS AT BALDRICK



MAN WITH GUN

Have you been feeding him the same juju beans you've been eating, Baldrick? Why is he saying the same crazy shit as you?



BALDRICK

Should we not, my lord, pay more attention to the Israeli scheme to take over the world?



MAN WITH GUN

Why, Baldrick? The problem has nothing to do with that. These are all just characters, in a fiction. The problem is the plant and the horrific dream it's having. The problem is it should wake up, not that any part of the dream is bad. It is the nature of this dream.



BALDRICK

Why is the cactus having so many bad dreams, my lord?



COLONEL POTTER

I was going to ask that.



MAN WITH GUN

If we are characters in the dream of some sort of plant or even vegetable, then how do WE know what the vegetable's been doing which caused the dream. Maybe the soil's eroded or something. I don't know. It's probably climate change related.



COLONEL POTTER

Excuse me Mr With Gun, but surely there's something important we're overlooking.



MAN WITH GUN

What would that be, Colonel?



COLONEL POTTER

They've got Emma Bovary and they are taking her to the War Room so that the American Agent can begin his dark games to take over the world on behalf of Israel and sell the King of France to an alien species for experimentation.



MAN WITH GUN

How do you know that? This film isn't about white saviours. Who gave YOU inside information on the unfolding of this narrative, boyscout?



LIFTS COLONEL POTTER UP BY HIS BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD T-SHIRT AND HOLDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.



COLONEL POTTER

Edward Norton just said so.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT.



CUT TO..



EXT. M4. LOUIS XVI AND EMMA BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE ON THE TRACTOR, HEADING TO HEATHROW AIRPORT. AMERICAN SPY IS FUMING. THE OTHER THREE ARE HAVING A LAUGH, PARTICULARLY EMMA BOVARY, WHO IS WELL CHEERED UP BY THE LUNACY OF LOUIS XVI.



AMERICAN SPY

Why do we have to use a tractor? For fuck's sake it'll take hours, we'll miss the plane.



LOUIS XVI

Look, I'm the King aren't I? And if you're serious about giving me control of all the world outside Israel then you'd let me travel by tractor. So unless you're just pretending that you're helping us, you'd better let me travel by tractor.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Tractors are the transport system of the Farm Kings, you know.



AMERICAN SPY

What the hell are you talking about? Why are you even here?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Don't worry I'll blend into the background.



SHOWS THEM HIS AMERICAN DISGUISE. IT IS A BIG BELLY AND A T-SHIRT STAINED WITH BEER, AND A HUGE BOX OF LARD, AND A TV REMOTE CONTROL.



AMERICAN SPY

Are you serious?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You haven't seen the finishing touch. Pulls a cowboy hat out of a carrier bag and puts it on.



AMERICAN SPY

You should have said.



AMERICAN SPY IS NO LONGER PERTURBED. THEY FINALLY REACH THE ENTRANCE TO HEATHROW AIRPORT. EMMA BOVARY DECIDES TO FOLLOW LOUIS' EXAMPLE AND STICK IT TO AMERICAN SPY WHILE SHE HAS THE CHANCE AND THE SCREENPLAY IS VEERING HER WAY, ON ITS WAY TO A CALAMITOUS ENDING.



EMMA BOVARY

Let's go via Gatwick instead.



LOUIS XVI

Brilliant idea!



SWINGS TRACTOR AROUND AND HEADS OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF GATWICK. MARIE ANTOINETTE TUCKS INTO A BATTENBERG. SMOKE STARTS TO POUR OUT OF AMERICAN SPY'S NOSTRILS AND HIS EYES TURN GUANTANAMO-ORANGE.





INT. WAR ROOM. GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL IS DEMONSTRATING VIA A SLIDE SHOW AN ARTIST'S IMPRESSION OF GODOT.FIRST SLIDE WE SEE SHOWS AN ORDINARY PERSON ABOUT TO SELECT ORGANIC PRODUCE IN A SLIGHTLY EXPENSIVE SUPERMARKET FAVOURED BY THE MIDDLE CLASSES.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

Here we see a potential terrorist about to make an extremist decision. See how he buys the organic produce and pays for it. This man is not buying organic produce by mistake or unknowingly - this is a calculated attempt to undermine the profit motive behind food and drink items whose purpose is not nutrition for the consumer but profit for the producer and is held in place by addiction on the consumer's part, as well as peer pressure. By refusing to participate in the perpetuation of capitalism the organic food product purchaser is purposely attempting to destroy the free market, no doubt in order to usher in communism. Such a vandal is, if not directly paid or controlled by Godot then at best controlled by an agent of Godot. Nuke such low-lifes on sight and then get yourself a big mac and a bucket of coca cola and never stop shopping. Do it on credit if you must, buy things you'll never need, if that's what it takes, but do it. Do not stop shopping, ever.



NEXT SLIDE SHOWS A STUDENT EATING AVOCADO ON SOURDOUGH TOAST, PURCHASED FROM THE SAME SUPERMARKET. THERE IS ALSO A SALAD ON THE SIDE.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

In this one the tell tale sign isn't just the use of avocado as a food, rather than something normal like processed diluted meat and preservatives, not even the presence of sourdough bread instead of the cheapest most glutenously dodgy bread item on the cheapo supermarket shelf. In fact what makes this terrorist stand out from others, what enables us to see this is an organiser, not just a low ranking terrorist, is the salad. Your low ranking terrorist may well eat avocado toast and waste all the world's money whilst sensible people are busy having a donut for breakfast, a cheap, profitable to corporations, heart disease causing, triple bypass causing donut. But your low ranking terrorist probably won't have time to constantly make fresh salads and eat them at all hours of the day. Less dangerous salad eaters, those who don't organise, merely participate, will eat a salad occasionally, whereas your class A terrorist will eat salads morning, noon and night, as though high fibre, vitamins and minerals are more important than fats, sugars and an oversupply of carbohydrates. Indeed as the gutter press has recently reported, due to celebrities who tell people not to be fat stupid bastards, there are anorexic people. Anorexic people would not exist if nobody had a good diet, but selfishly some people out there not only have good diets but try to encourage others to join in their terrorist activities and form terror groups in which all members eat either relatively healthy food and occasional salads or, indeed, full blown regular salad dishes and generally very healthy food. There are people who even drink water, instead of fizzy sugar drinks or hot caffeine drinks. You cannot take risks with people like this. A missile strike is the only way.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

This is boring. I thought we were going to have a stripper. Charlie Sheen's going to take care of Godot for us. All we have to do is eat burgers, drink a variety of alcoholic drinks and enjoy the company of strippers. You're letting Godot get to you.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

I'm sorry sir, I don't know what came over me.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL GETS HIMSELF A STRIPPER AND ENJOYS HIMSELF.





CUT TO...





EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT. LOUIS XVI, MARIE ANTOINETTE, AMERICAN SPY AND EMMA BOVARY ARE TRUNDLING TOWARDS A PRIVATE JET WHICH AMERICAN SPY HAS HAD TO ARRANGE FOR THEM. E.T. IS IN THE WAY OF THE TRACTOR AND LOUIS, WHO IS DRIVING, IS FORCED TO DO AN EMERGENCY STOP.



LOUIS XVI

What the hell are you doing E.T.? You could have been killed.



E.T.

E.T. Phone home.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You should have signed up for a contract with roaming calls, shouldn't you? You can't blame us if you didn't think things through when setting up your communication infrastructure before setting out to explore the galaxy.



E.T.

E.T. Phone home.



EMMA BOVARY

Oh come on, don't be mean. He just wants to use the phone. [GIVES E.T. HER MOBILE] Here, have mine. My husband is filthy rich and a total arsehole. Make as many calls as you like, he's paying.



E.T.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.



E.T. CALLS UP HIS UNCLE, BUGSY MALONE. PHONE RINGS. BUGSY ANSWERS



E.T.

Uncle Bugsy, I'm stranded in Boris Johnson's England, I need you to get me the fuck out of here. There are few places in the galaxy as hostile to me than this place.



CUT TO..



INT. GAY NIGHT CLUB. ACROSS THE TABLE FROM BUGSY MALONE ARE CHARLES BOVARY AND CAPTAIN PICARD.



BUGSY MALONE

Sorry E.T. I'm in a high level meeting right now. Have you thought about calling Bernie Sanders? He's definitely floating around this screenplay somewhere. He may be less hostile and aggressive towards outsiders than others in western politics. Get him to give you a lift to the war room in Washington. That's where the screenplay will end, I think. Or thereabouts. At least that's the impression I got.



CUT TO..



EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT (etc)



E.T.

Okay Uncle Bugsy. I'll do that.



HANGS UP. LOOKS AT EMMA BOVARY



E.T.

Apparently I should get a lift from Bernie Sanders to the war room in Washington.



EMMA BOVARY

That's where WE'RE going! Just come with us. [TO LOUIS XVI] We can give a lift to E.T. here can't we?



AMERICAN SPY

I absolutely forbid it



LOUIS XVI

You know what Bob.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Vic, I've told you, call me Mary.



LOUIS XVI

You know what, Mary, I don't think I"m going to bother with President Quackquack after all. I think we should go to Pakistan and have a few games of cricket with Imran Khan. E.T. can play in mid field.



E.T.

There's no mid field in cricket, even I know that. What planet are you from Vic, I mean Louis?



AMERICAN SPY

Alright alright, he can come with us to the war room. But I'll have to call ahead or they're liable to shoot him (and us) on sight. Walking around America in the company of an alien is extremely dangerous. Americans like to kill anything living they don't recognise and quite a lot of things they do recognise. It's part of our culture. If you can't endorse mindless violence you're not just unamerican you're anti-american and should be killed, that's the ethos we have always lived by.



THEY BOARD THE PRIVATE JET.



CUT TO...



INT. WAR ROOM.
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Click here to read about Shams Pirani, the editor and chief author on this grid - note, if you can actually prove anything written above wrong, I would gladly, if the proof is sufficient, correct what I've written and what I think - if I could, however, prove your attempted proof wrong, then I would accordingly say so and maintain whatever point of view is completely based on fact and proof.

Simple text version.

<< Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain >> (And the beat goes on).

CLICK HERE for latest versions of the screenplay - for the final drafts.

What is an election without proper satire?

If Hislop and co are too gutless and whipped and whored to money by their corporate pimps to do it, then I shall. (I just saw a video in which David Mitchell was bitching on LBC about his belief that destitute children, destitute adults, the underprivileged, the out of work, people discriminated against because of their race or gender or class, are ruining comedy. Apparently politics is ruining comedy. Apparently self-amusement is not as fun for Mitchell any more because too many people with problems are insisting that society deal with those problems and that satirists and artists use their talents in the way they should and no longer work as telesales people and self-amusing tossers no longer call themselves comedians).

You see, David Mitchell, or merely 'David' as my friend Helen (whom I should clarify is "non non-white") (and indeed a faithful loyal Israel supporter, a Christian Zionist, I suppose) (and "white", as I said) (and just so you are truly horrified, you must understand she is a professional working in industry, young, educated, no doubt perceived as elite, with a job in the area of 'innovation', indeed, for a major company) (so you can't hide from the fact that she is a pretty good example of one of your fans, of middle England) once referred to you as in an argument, arguing in your defence when I criticised a Guardian article, I think it was, you had written - I was criticising it for its neoliberalism - we'll get to her shortly - but I say this to you David Mitchell - our society and evolution depends on mutual aid. If you want money for your jokes, they need to contribute to our society, rather than simply being royal variety jokes you get paid for. Clown around on your own time, not at society's expense. You are standing in the way of satirists, who need to mock those you don't mock, so that society receives (in exchange for the 'money' a comedian earns) its share.

Helen believed that AIDS is a punishment from "God" on "black people" for - and these are her words - for "needing to be civilised by the white man". I'm sure you'd prefer it if she were attacking you and I defending you. Anyway, "David", the fact is that you need to ridicule people like Helen, like Blair, like Hodge, like Johnson - all of them - properly - you need to ridicule Guardian writers, you need to ridicule the bulk of the press, and almost all 'comedians' - but you don't. I, on the other hand, do. Please read on for some examples. I'm sure you'll find the point you made now fully rebutted and must think of another excuse for being a cowardly toe rag. So go on, think of it. Come up with more excuses. Don't stop to use comedy for the benefit of society, use it for self amusement and as a cash machine. Do read more on mutual aid if you want me to stop ridiculing you. Or stop using the position of public commercial 'joke maker' to waste society's time and hand over the microphone to people who make jokes the way Swift and Hogarth did - for the benefit of us all. As part of the evolutionary journey, not an episode of Benny Hill.

On another occasion I can go over the last 10 years, which you lament is the period during which people have become no fun, and look at what has happened to people less privileged than you, to their lives, to their daily needs, to their mood, to their future, in that time, unnoticed by you in your privilege bubble. But not right now. That's easy work. It's sad you're too lazy to do it yourself Mitchell, so I'll do it later. But first, someone must educate people on the necessity for satire. Step aside Benny Hill. Nobody's interested in your innuendo or clown act. They want to laugh at the people fucking their lives up. Indeed, at you. Do you have any idea what has been going on outside your gated media-money-fed life, to the many, over the last 10 years whilst you, and a few others, have remained entirely oblivious and sheltered? No, of course you don't. Well I'll have to publish all that info on this page later, but right now it is more important to give people the comedy you have singularly failed to give them, you and all the other Royal Variety performing clowns.

I think Emma Bovary must be read with a French accent, for the best delivery of the screenplay below:

Hunting of the Snark / Godot 2 / Madam Bovary, the neoliberal version/remake



POTENTIALLY STARRING: BETTE MIDLER as IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL, CHARLIE SHEEN as CAPTAIN WILLARD, JOANNA LUMLEY as EMMA BOVARY, JENNIFER SAUNDERS as AMERICAN SPY, VIC REEVES as LOUIS XVI, BOB MORTIMER as MARIE ANTOINETTE, EDWARD NORTON as WHITE NARRATOR, KERMIT THE FROG as HIMSELF, LENNY HENRY as MAN WITH GUN, BERNIE THE AGENT as HIMSELF, JOHNNY VEGAS as MEL BROOKS, MEL BROOKS as KING TURNIP, TONY ROBINSON as BALDRICK, ANTOINE DE CAUNES as CHARLES BOVARY, ENOCH POWELL AS BORIS THE BARBARIAN, RICHARD BRIERS as DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE, ANT AND DEC as ELVIS, DAVID LYNCH as JIMMINY GLICK, BERNIE SANDERS as BERNIE SANDERS, KIEFER SUTHERLAND as KIEFER SUTHERLAND, COLONEL POTTER as HIMSELF, CLINGER as HIMSELF, MATT LUCAS as E.T., CHRISTOPHER WALKEN as RONALD MACDONALD, DAVID HASSELHOFF as CAPTAIN PICARD, DAVID HASSELHOFF as BATMAN, NIGEL HAVERS as BUGSY MALONE







EXT. RIVER BOAT. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS TRAVELLING BY BOAT THROUGH SOUTH ASIA AGAIN, ACCOMPANIED BY SOLDIERS.







CAPTAIN WILLARD

I didn't know why I was in this film. Everybody had died in the previous one. And besides, it wasn't parodying anything in particular, my being here was entirely random - arbitrary. But one thing was obvious. Godot was not dead. How could he be? He was probably the screenwriter. I updated my Facebook page to inform my fans that the reason so many white people become hysterically afraid at the sound of the phrase "Jeremy Corbyn" was because his fairness and accountability heralded the beginning of the end of white entitlement and white racial preference. Rachel Riley blocked me. The first like I got came from Madam Bovary. I knew this was not by chance but by the screenwriter's design. So Beckett was going to rewrite Flaubert now. I thanked my lucky stars he had chosen Bovary and not the legend of St Julian the Hospitaller.



RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir! We've reached Guam now.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Guam. Always Guam. Was it because it had one of those names which sounds good on film? Probably. Even Godot was a sucker for vanity. I knew that the answer to my problems lay there. Somehow I could exploit Godot's vanity and stop him before the no doubt horrifying tale of Madam Bovary were to unfold in its entirety. Being Charlie Sheen, I decided the best thing I could do to save Bovary would be to give her a good seeing to (consenting, of course - I'm not one of THOSE American soldiers, I'm the one who deals with THOSE American soldiers).



RANDOM SOLDIER

Sir, I don't understand. Would you like me to kill someone?



CAPTAIN WILLARD (TO SOLDIER)

No no, I was just talking to the audience. I'm the narrator. It pays well.





CUT TO..







INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT.



WHITE NARRATOR

People always ask me if I know Jeremy Corbyn. Three minutes. This is it. Ground zero. Do you have a speech for the occasion?



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film Norton.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him again)

SHUT IT. I'm the hero of this film, whoever you are. So keep your Stanislavskian crap to yourself. This film is not about white saviours.





CUT TO.. INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON WHERE LOUIS XVI HAS, HAVING BEEN BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE BY A MAD ISRAELI SCIENTIST, A SECRET BASE, WHERE HE AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE LIVING, PREPARING FOR A NEW FEUDAL AGE THEY INTEND TO BRING ABOUT THROUGH A CUNNING PLAN.





LOUIS XVI

Listen love, soon you will be able to eat all the organic cake products your heart desires, for I have a plan now, I know how I am going to regain control of France and in fact the world, thanks to our Israeli friends.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Israel? Surely you must not take control of Israel or that would be ungrateful. They have killed and nobbled so many people on your behalf, indeed it was their ethics-free scientists who brought you back to life with their lovely Day-of-the-zombie Weinstein 5000 machine!



LOUIS XVI

No love, I will not take over Israel, just the rest of the world. Don't you want to hear my plan?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm sure it's a lovely plan. I want to hear more about those cakes. Will they have chocolate icing? I love chocolate icing. Particularly if it is flecked with little pieces of white chocolate, with vanilla which has come from some location marketing companies know everyone will put their faith in.



LOUIS XVI

Listen, I'm the King. You're just the Queen. Now shut up and listen to my plan. It's a great one. You should love it. It's a feminist plan.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Oh I do love your feminist plans. I enjoyed your feminist revival of Thatcher. The slogan "women have a right to exploit and kill and be labelled heroes" was a masterpiece. Imagine if only men were allowed to receive praise for things like genocide. Since we were granted this privilege we are truly a more well treated gender. What's the new plan?



LOUIS XVI

In a word, Bovary. Emma Bovary. I'm going to get her to carry out a feminist revolution in which the planet is renamed Vagina World and I will be its King.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Surely such a world would need a Queen?



LOUIS XVI

Get with the times, love. Take a look at the Guardian, the head of western feminist thought management - it promotes control of the world by a few extremely powerful men and their wives. Same as you and me. We're proper feminists.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

That's brilliant then, Vic. I mean Louis. What are you waiting for? Get hold of Emma Bovary and start your 'revolution'. I'm just going down the shops. We've run out of Battenbergs again. I know you love em with your tea.



LOUIS XVI

I like my Battenbergs.





CUT TO..



INT. AMERICAN SKY SCRAPER, NIGHT. WHITE NARRATOR, MAN WITH GUN AND BALDRICK ARE PLAYING CLUEDO.



BALDRICK

I think it was Colonel Mustard, in the drone warfare centre, with the computer keyboard.



WHITE NARRATOR

You know, man with gun, I really don't think this kind of contest is macho enough. We need to be bare fisted, rolling around on the ground and sweating.



MAN WITH GUN

My dear Norton, this is not a porn film. This is an existential study of the failings of the latterday bourgeoisie.



WHITE NARRATOR

So was fight club.



MAN WITH GUN

No it wasn't. It was a mindless sexist macho sensationalist bunch of shit with a seemingly 'clever twist' at the end. Just another American male far up himself, revelling in his own sophistry, calling that sophistry dissent.



WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, but it paid well. I'm not even getting paid for this.



MAN WITH GUN

That's because this film isn't real. Nothing is real. We are figments of the imagination of some sort of plant.



BALDRICK

I thought it was King Turnip who was responsible for all this, my lord. After all, in the last film you killed me and now I'm here again. Surely only King Turnip with his magic powers could bring me back to life. And besides, you must have killed the plant in the last film, so it can't be the plant dreaming, can it?



MAN WITH GUN

It's very simple, Baldrick, I killed the wrong plant. I killed a cactus which the plant dreamt it was - ie it dreamt it was dreaming - it imagined itself to be a cactus. In reality it is some other plant. Probably in a pot, on a windowsill. We're going to have to hunt it down again.



WHITE NARRATOR

Yeah, well I think it was Miss Scarlett in the propaganda production facility at Guardian Newspaper Headquarters, with the racist neoliberal bilge intended to drive blind support for racist genocidal interventionist politics, accidentally causing far right numbers to swell so high that it turns into a Brexit and blows up in her face.



CUT TO..



INT. HOME OF CHARLES BOVARY. DULL CEO BY DAY. SECRET GAY NIGHT CLUB OWNER BY NIGHT. WHILE CHARLES OSTENTATIOUSLY ADDS NEW ACQUISITIONS TO HIS STAMP COLLECTION, HIS WIFE IS UPSTAIRS IN HER BEDROOM, ON THE PHONE TO HER LATEST LOVER, AMERICAN SPY, A SENIOR MARKETING EXECUTIVE AT THE CHARITY CORPORATION OF AMERICA, UNFORTUNATELY FOR HER ALSO AN ISRAELI SPY WHO HAS BEEN RECRUITED TO TRICK HER INTO CONVERTING HER PENT-UP RAGE, BORN OUT OF THE FUTILITY AND BANALITY OF HER SITUATION AND THE WORLD SHE LIVES IN, INTO CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE ON A SCALE NEVER WITNESSED BY THE HUMAN RACE BEFORE.





AMERICAN SPY

I'm tired of the world of marketing and charity. I've rolled out my last rainbow coloured stylised turd shaped cushion in the name of gay consumer rights, I want to do more for the world. More than I've already done, absurd though that may seem. Let us make this film about you and me, Emma. Let me raise you to the highest heights - and help you overpower the world. You can revolutionise the way humans think - and live happily ever after.



EMMA BOVARY

But the book doesn't end that way. Flaubert was taking the piss out of us, not holding us up as Roman or Greek heroes to worship. This film is a farce and if you really think you can change that, you're stupider than I thought. But that's okay, sweetheart. I like you for your body not your mind.



AMERICAN SPY

Well we'll rewrite it. That's the modern way. Take anything humans have ever done, good or bad, and remake it in an arbitrary way which suits our immediate commercial needs.



EMMA BOVARY

What sort of revolution?



AMERICAN SPY

The Vagina revolution. We will change this planet's name to Vagina World.



EMMA BOVARY

The whole planet?



AMERICAN SPY

Well except Israel, of course.



EMMA BOVARY

How exactly can we start a revolution?



AMERICAN SPY

You are Emma Bovary. You have a lot of popularity among middle class hyperconsumers across the world, you are a cultural artefact, one of those things western humans and their serfs in many grovelling conquered outposts are most proud of is historical artefacts with famous names. They tend to know, on average, next to nothing about the aforesaid artefacts but are nonetheless able to, in their own minds, assign to them some sort of generative property - which all by itself yields intellectual culture and progress in any individual who is even sitting in the pub nearby having a pint of lard and some pork scratchings.



EMMA BOVARY

So it's my marketing power, really, which you think we can capitalise on. I'm not sure I like that, but I am very bored, so tell me more.



AMERICAN SPY

Well, first we're going to do a charity run.







EXT. SWAMP, DAY. KERMIT THE FROG IS PLAYING HIS BANJO AND SINGING, NEARBY BERNIE THE AGENT IS BOATING.





KERMIT

Why are there so many songs about rainbows and what's on the other side? Rainbows are visions but only illusions and rainbows have nothing to hide. So we've been told and some choose to believe it, I know they're wrong wait and see. Some day we'll find it, the rainbow connection, the lovers, the dreamers and -



[GUN-SHOT RINGS OUT AND KERMIT'S HEAD IS BLOWN OFF HIS SHOULDERS.]



MAN WITH GUN

Sorry Kermit, this film isn't about you or about making millions of people happy. This is a sick farce about the meltdown of human society. This is about the real world.



BERNIE THE AGENT

Was that REALLY necessary?



MAN WITH GUN

Don't ask me, ask the screenwriter.



[SHOOTS BERNIE THE AGENT DEAD]





CUT TO..



INT. SPORTS CAR. EMMA BOVARY AND CHARLES BOVARY ARE HAVING A DOMESTIC ARGUMENT ABOUT THE IMMORAL NATURE OF CHARLES' JOB AS HEAD OF MARKETING FOR THE EXPLOITATION CORPORATION AND HIS LATEST PROJECT TO ROLL OUT FOURTEEN MILLION NOVELTY RAINBOW-COLOURED STYLISED-TURD-SHAPED CUSHIONS TO PROMOTE HOMOSEXUALITY AND VIRTUE SIGNAL IN ORDER TO OPEN UP NEW MARKETS AND INCREASE PROFITS.



EMMA BOVARY

When I married you I thought you were a charismatic, strong-willed and free-minded individual, and glamorous and interesting. In reality all you really have is wealth and might. You are a snake oil salesman and from dawn to dusk all you do is exploit and harm, with a smile on your face and a dirty thought in your head.



CHARLES BOVARY

That is simply not true, I am a very kind man at heart, it is the world which is evil. Ask Nicholas Cage in that film about the virtues of genocide. Even the Times of Israel has, albeit very briefly, praised genocide. Look, there's a hotel. Why don't we stop for the night?



EMMA BOVARY

It's lunch time. And no. I refuse to have sex with you until I have resolved this moral problem. Now talk. What can we do to fix your satanic and evil nature?



HE BEGINS TO MAKE AN OBVIOUSLY SLEAZY SUGGESTION.



EMMA BOVARY

No, I'm not interested in your lazy and ignorant narcissism right now. I want a change to happen. Corbyn style change. Real change. What's it going to be?



CHARLES BOVARY THINKS HARD. HE HAS TO SAVE HIS MARRIAGE. HE KNOWS THERE ARE MEN FAR MORE WORTHY OF EMMA BOVARY THAN HE AND IF SHE GOES ALL HIS WEALTH AND POWER MAY NOT BE AS ENJOYABLE. HE'S NOT ENTIRELY SURE AND DOESN'T WANT TO RISK IT.



CHARLES BOVARY

Okay. I have an idea. Why don't we find you an orphaned Iraqi child, and do something nice for them.



EMMA BOVARY

That's just cheap and nasty. No. Not unless -





SHE HAS AN IDEA. CUT TO..





INT. WAR ROOM. PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK AND A GROUP OF WHITE AND TOKEN RACISTS WHO BELIEVE IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS AS AN AXIOMATIC DOCUMENT ARE ENTERTAINING THEIR NEW FRIEND BORIS THE BARBARIAN.



BORIS THE BARBARIAN

So I said: "but you're a bloody scotsman so why don't you sod off!"



APPLAUSE FROM QUACKQUACK AND HIS COURTIERS.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Let's sing a hymn now. Hymn number 90210, all things on my credit card.



THEY SING.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

Amen. So, Boris. Tell me more. Godot is back and on the loose again, you say. This is troublesome. I don't remember how it ended last time.



[ONE OF HIS AIDES EXPLAINS TO HIM THAT THEY ALL DIED AND GODOT TURNED OUT TO BE A MYSTICAL FORCE BEYOND THEIR COMPREHENSION, PROBABLY EXISTING IN AN INFINITE NUMBER OF WHAT WE PERCEIVE AS DIMENSIONS BUT WHAT TO GODOT ARE MERELY STRANDS OF A DIFFERENT AND 'HIGHER' PLANE OF EXISTENCE. SECURITY GUARDS IMMEDIATELY DRAG THE AIDE OFF AND SHOOT HER.]



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

What I want to know is whether Louis the Sixteenth and his hot wife can come down and hang with us while we figure out how to kill Godot.



CUT TO..



INT. CHARLES BOVARY'S SPORTS CAR.



EMMA BOVARY

So what do you say?



CHARLES BOVARY

I don't even know Mel Brooks.



EMMA BOVARY

Rubbish. You can get hold of anyone you want. You are one of the most evil and powerful men alive today. There's almost nobody you can't unearth with a few threats to someone who owes you, or a bit of leaning on someone who's scared of you. Mel Brooks or divorce.



CHARLES BOVARY

Why Mel Brooks?



EMMA BOVARY

Introducing an Iraqi child who has been robbed of her entire family by worthless racist western scumbags to Mel Brooks can give that child back some kind of faith in humanity, some sort of understanding that even in the west, low and depraved though it is, there are great people who loathe those who behave the way she has been led by our actions and inactions to believe we are all taught to live.



CHARLES BOVARY

Alright alright, I don't need a lecture. I will get Mel Brooks. Now can we check into a hotel?



EMMA BOVARY

After I speak to Mel Brooks.



CHARLES BOVARY

Fine. Turn on the car phone will you, dear. I'd better call my secretary.





CUT TO..



EIGHTIES' AMERICAN TV DETECTIVE DRAMA SET. JIHADIS BEAT WOMEN IN THE BACKGROUND. PEOPLE WITH DARK SKIN, FROM ITALIANS TO JAMAICANS, GATHER TOGETHER IN GANGS AND KILL SECURITY GUARDS AND POLICEWOMEN TO PASS THE TIME. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS WALKING ALONG WITH A YOYO, LOOKING TO DEAL WITH WHAT HE BELIEVES TO BE ANTI-WHITE VILLAINY, IN THE NAME OF PROVING THAT AUTHORITARIAN FORCE IS THE BEST WAY TO DEAL WITH NON WHITE PEOPLE ALWAYS.





DEMPSEY

I really don't think the screenwriter has ever even seen a single episode of this show, it just had a famous name and he probably Googled it and was amazed at the sheer calumny it embodies, a typical boorish western establishment racist, classist, fascist demonisation of non white people, muslims, socialists, civilians (rather than police, security forces, armies and others with 'the right to kill baddies') and others. Very blatantly. He would never have watched such crap. Have you read the Waiting for Godot screenplay? This writer has some taste. Do me a favour. He doesn't even know which one of us is the American one and which is the English one.



MAKEPEACE

Well it doesn't matter, it's the same actor, isn't it?



DEMPSEY

Yes, I like that very much. I have a feeling the writer will merely write us as Richard Briers talking to himself, partly in an American accent, and will leave it up to us to decide which character, at any given time, has the American accent.



MAKEPEACE

I like that very much.



DEMPSEY

Would you like some tea?



MAKEPEACE

Yes, I'd love some.



DEMPSEY (POURS TEA)

I think that Makepeace sounds like the English name, it has a sort of rustic bizarreness about it. Dempsey sounds much more American.



MAKEPEACE

I would say the opposite; Makepeace has a weird American unorthodoxy about it, whilst Dempsey sounds like some fellow down the King's road.



DEMPSEY

Nonsense.



MAKEPEACE

Look, what if we both use the same accent, or both use different American accents?



DEMPSEY

But that wouldn't be faithful to the text.



MAKEPEACE

What text? The screenwriter is parodying the people who even watch Dempsey and Makepeace, and its writers, and the issue of parodying the show itself doesn't even come up - the writer, as you say, has probably never even watched it - I mean what an appalling show it is, sowing racist stereotypes and blind obedience to violent authority in the minds of the young and impressionable?



DEMPSEY

You've got a good point there, Makepeace, I say we both use my own normal English accent, a little bit Chiswick.



MAKEPEACE

No, I think I should do Boston and you should do Louisiana.



DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?



MAKEPEACE

That's it, that's it. You be Louisiana and I'll be Boston.



DEMPSEY

You mean Loosiana?



MAKEPEACE

Very humorous.



DEMPSEY

Oh give me a home where no liberals roam and the folks all think the same way, where each house has a gun, a big helluva one and strangers are told "make my day"..





CUT TO..





INT. GAY NIGHTCLUB. NIGHT. CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE SIPPING DRINKS IN A PRIVATE ROOM.



CHARLES BOVARY

Then she tells me she wants me to introduce Mel Brooks to an Iraqi orphan.



AMERICAN SPY (CAN'T CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER)

So where is she now?



CHARLES BOVARY

I left her with a "headache". Her desire to not have sex with me is definitely at an all time high.



AMERICAN SPY

So we have all night?



PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY ANSWERS IT.



AMERICAN SPY

Emma! What a surprise. I was just thinking about you.





CUT TO..



EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, ON THE PHONE TO AMERICAN SPY.



EMMA BOVARY

I've sent Charles to get hold of Mel Brooks for me, so we have all night if you want to meet me. You're almost as bad as he is. When's the last time we did anything but talk on the phone?



CUT TO..



CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY HAVE STARTED TO HAVE SEX.



AMERICAN SPY

Emma, darling, I hope you won't take this the wrong way but I have to take care of something before we can finish this conversation. Stay where you are. I will get to you as soon as I can, as fast as my feet can carry me. Don't move from where you are.



HE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND TELLS HIS GOOGLE VOICE-ACTIVATED THING TO PLAY THE BOLERO.



CUT TO..



EMMA BOVARY IN HER HOTEL ROOM, FEELING SAD AND DEJECTED, MARRIED TO A MAN WHO CHEATS ON HER, CHEATING ON HIM WITH A MAN WHO ALSO CHEATS ON HER, ALTHOUGH SHE DOESN'T REALISE THAT IT'S WITH HER OWN HUSBAND, DISILLUSIONED AT NEOLIBERAL AND RIGHT WING MODERN EARTH, WHEN SUDDENLY SHE NOTICES JIMMINY GLICK STARING AT HER FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE MIRROR. HE IS NOT IN HER ROOM, ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT. JIMMINY GLICK IS EATING A CHAIR.



EMMA BOVARY

Aren't you David Lynch?



JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick. You're confused because Martin Short usually plays me. That's not important right now. What's important is the three strange men behind me.



HE WALKS AWAY AND SHE NOTICES MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE SITTING ON HER BED, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR IMAGE OF IT, PLAYING POKER FOR THE SAME THREE OPENED PACKETS OF PRETZELS WHICH HAVE FEATURED IN ALL FILMS AND TV EVER, IN WHICH PEOPLE PLAYED POKER FOR PRETZELS OR WHILST EATING PRETZELS. MAN WITH GUN LOOKS UP AND SEES HER AND IS AS SHOCKED AS SHE IS.



CUT TO...



INT. HOTEL ROOM. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR ARE PLAYING POKER FOR PRETZELS.



MAN WITH GUN

Look Baldrick, in the mirror. It's Emma Bovary. We shouldn't be sitting around wasting our time, we have a job to do.



HE WALKS OVER TO THE MIRROR.



MAN WITH GUN

Can you hear me Emma Bovary?



EMMA BOVARY

Who are you?



MAN WITH GUN (TO BALDRICK)

She can hear me.



MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Don't worry about who I am, I'm a friend. If you're Emma Bovary, sit tight, we've come to save you from Bourgeois Hell.



EMMA BOVARY

Finally, someone who understands. Who are you? WHERE are you?



MAN WITH GUN

Uh - not quite sure.



BALDRICK

I thought you said we're in the dream of a yucca plant.



MAN WITH GUN

It might be a fern Baldrick. Or anything. Probably a pot plant. You're being too specific. It could be any pot plant.



MAN WITH GUN (TO EMMA BOVARY)

Do you have any pot plants nearby? Any unusual flora and fauna love?



EMMA BOVARY

So you're mad? So I'm caught between neoliberals, tories, entirely mindless advertising executives and a mad person?



MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not mad, I'm - look, wherever you are, you may be in danger. If there is a pot plant somewhere in your vicinity you must get away from it, or destroy it or something.



EMMA BOVARY

There's some daffodils in a vase.



MAN WITH GUN

No it would be a pot plant. If it's a vase you're okay.



BALDRICK

What about the fridge?



WHITE NARRATOR

I've checked, there's only beer.



EMMA BOVARY ALMOST JUMPS OUT OF HER SKIN, SINCE WHITE NARRATOR IS NOW IN HER HOTEL ROOM.



EMMA BOVARY

Who the hell are you? Wait a minute. You're Edward Norton. Can I get your autograph, it's for, ahem, my daughter.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he's playing -



MAN WITH GUN PUNCHES HIM IN THE FACE AND HE FALLS FLAT ON THE GROUND



EMMA BOVARY

What the hell?



MAN WITH GUN

It's alright, I think our meat-head friend there managed to break through some kind of spacetime barrier in to your part of the world we're trapped in which, you may want to take note right now, is the dream of a pot plant. No ordinary dream, a tormented dream beset with fear of apocalypse and the banality of evil.



EMMA BOVARY

Hence the choice of subject matter.



MAN WITH GUN

That's right. And we have to prevent the degeneration of this dream into the worst sort of meltdown imaginable. Last time we had to deal with nuclear and military meltdown. This time it's going to be worse, the author is clearly going to take it to a new level of horror, whatever that is.



EMMA BOVARY

I don't understand. Are we in a screenplay, as you imply with your mention of an author, or are we in the mind of a pot plant?



CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT SMASHES THROUGH THE WALL AND INTO THE ROOM, WHERE IT GRINDS TO A HALT.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

We had this conversation already. I think it's a dream. We're all asleep and dreaming of being here, in this situation where someone is telling us that all of reality, even outside our dream, is a dream.



MAN WITH GUN

Not this time, Captain Willard. This is just the main dream, not a dream inside a dream.



BERNIE SANDERS ENTERS



BERNIE SANDERS

Hang on, hang on, if this is just the main dream, how did Willard get here, to urban Europe, from Guam, in that boat? Not just so fast, but how could the boat get into this room? Where is the water?



JIMMINY GLICK APPEARS AGAIN.



JIMMINY GLICK

I think I can explain that.



BERNIE SANDERS

You're David Lynch.



JIMMINY GLICK

No I'm Jimminy Glick, in the script. Let me explain -



THEY LEAVE, WITH GLICK EXPLAINING TO SANDERS WHAT HE FEELS MAY BE GOING ON IN THIS SCREENPLAY



EMMA BOVARY

Well that was odd.



BALDRICK

Forgive me for intruding, my lords and ladies, but I still think King Turnip may be behind all this and we would be well advised to get out of here and conceal ourselves from the Turnip Royal Guard, which will make us all into shrubberies, all of them forming, from an aerial view, a cleverly constructed agriculture-based image of infamous comedian and travel writer Michael Palin.



EMMA BOVARY

Again. Things are getting very odd.



MAN WITH GUN

You're telling me. We're doing another one, they told me. You're the main character, they told me. This time you, the non white anti-hero, save the rich white woman from horror and grief, and she's a real feminist too. And what do I find? First they force me to have Edward Norton shadowing my insanity at every move, to try and pretend that you can benefit from white privilege but also be against the white-privilege-centric establishment at the same time, Charlie Sheen is back, probably hoping to stick his unmentionables into anything which can wear underwear, temporarily of course, and now David Lynch and Bernie Sanders are trying to turn it into a party political broadcast.



EMMA BOVARY

I thought you said this was a dream.



MAN WITH GUN

I think it's a screenplay of a dream of a dream of a screenplay.



THE PHONE RINGS. EVERYONE VANISHES AGAIN EXCEPT EMMA BOVARY. SHE ANSWERS THE PHONE. AMERICAN SPY IS AT THE OTHER END.



AMERICAN SPY

Darling, I can't believe this is happening now, but I've just had an urgent call from Jimmy Carr asking me to help him figure out the best way for him to give charity to the bioweapons department of the Israeli military. I need to get hold of Deniro and talk to him, he remembers how I arranged that the last time. It's a lot of money. A LOT of foul mouth racist macho people spend their money on Jimmy Carr's professional imperial juvenility. You're going to have to manage without me this time.



EMMA BOVARY

But -



AMERICAN SPY

Sorry I have to go now. I'll call you the moment I've finished my work.



HE HANGS UP AND GOES BACK TO ROGERING CHARLES BOVARY.



EMMA BOVARY (TO HERSELF)

Why did he say professional imperial juvenility - a man as ignorant as him sees that as high satire, as attacks on the corrupt - whilst anyone of intelligence couldn't possibly compare Jimmy Carr's puerile machismo to the anti-establishment wit of Jonathan Swift, or even Vic Reeves on a good day, that's not the sort of thing these backward lovers of mine usually see to be the case. I don't understand. Something odd really is going on. Was I dreaming all those strange people?



MAN WITH GUN REAPPEARS, BUT ONLY IN THE MIRROR. THE OTHER TWO ARE NOT THERE, NOR IS WILLARD OR HIS BOAT.



MAN WITH GUN

No I don't think so. And I think the reason he spoke out of character is to do with Godot.



EMMA BOVARY

But Waiting for Godot was written a long time after Flaubert and has apparently nothing to do with Madam Bovary. What has Godot got to do with it?



MAN WITH GUN

I'm afraid this is the second film. You didn't see the first one. It was insane. Nukes flying. Fat dumb American presidents running around the world while the author played fast and loose with eighties stereotype-laden comedy and drama characters. Didn't end well. Tony Blair almost became involved. And even though the writer cut him out before the very end, it was still pretty much the most grim ending possible.



EMMA BOVARY

And you think this time it'll be even worse?



MAN WITH GUN

Logically there's no alternative possibility we can deduce to be probable. Is there?



EMMA BOVARY

No, I suppose not. And you say that if we find the right pot plant and eliminate it the whole show is over and Dawn French will spring up and do her best rendition of "Here comes the bride".



MAN WITH GUN

Yes, I think that's a pretty apt metaphor.



EMMA BOVARY PUTS ON HER COAT AND HAT AND PICKS UP HER HANDBAG AND SHE AND MAN WITH GUN LEAVE HER HOTEL ROOM.



CUT TO..



INT. THE ISRAELI EMBASSY IN LONDON. LOUIS XVI AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE EATING BATTENBERGS AND DRINKING CUPS OF TEA.



LOUIS XVI

TONY, TONY, I JUST GOT A FACEBOOK FRIEND REQUEST FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I've told you before, Vic, you can't shorten Marie Antoinette to Tony.



LOUIS XVI

Why not? You called me Vic.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yes but that was a departure from the fiction, that was just a step into the world beyond the fiction, although under the circumstances it's hard to say in which direction the step moved. Anyway, it's not the same at all. You can call me Mary for short if you like.



LOUIS XVI

Alright Mary. So what should I do? Should I accept his friend request?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Why not Vic? He's a nice bloke. Has his own set of golf clubs and a proper barometer. We may need to borrow either. I think the president would be a useful friend even if he is a bit of a racist genocidal maniac who's obsessed with sex and is only a gender-egalitarian insofar as he treats everyone with equal contempt and equally as nothing but a means to an end, regardless of gender, although gender may impact the ends involved or desired. I say go for it. You added Henry Kissinger, didn't you? How can you really sink any lower?



LOUIS XVI

I could. I haven't replied to Alistair Campbell yet.



LOUIS XVI ACCEPTS PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK'S FRIEND REQUEST AND THEN GETS A PRIVATE MESSAGE IN WHICH THE PRESIDENT INVITES LOUIS XVI AND HIS HOT WIFE TO HANG OUT WITH THEM IN THE WAR ROOM IN WASHINGTON.



LOUIS XVI

Mary, Mary, the President wants to meet me and my hot wife.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You can't do that, Vic. You don't have a hot wife. Your wife is played by me and I'm hardly hot. I'm a man.



LOUIS XVI

Well if the president's gay then you might be hot.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Have you met the president? He's a proper village idiot dinosaur-man. Purely paleolithic. The fact that this screenplay is littered with gender shuffling and actors playing characters the wrong gender, interspersed with gay plots, would totally throw him. He's going to be pretty upset if you walk into the war room with a man dressed as a female french aristocrat.



LOUIS XVI

So what are we going to to Bob? I mean Tony. I mean Mary.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

I'm thinking, Vic. I'm thinking.



MARIE ANTOINETTE THINKS.



CUT TO..



EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE IS TRYING TO ESTABLISH THE MOST LIKELY CHARACTERISTICS OF HIS/HER SHOW.



DEMPSEY

So we know to begin with that there must be some sort of personality clash between the two police officers, there always is. In Due South you had the lazy one and the overzealous one. Generally speaking if you have two cops, the purpose of having two is that they argue with each other and take very different approaches, leading them to constantly bounce the plot in different directions.



MAKEPEACE

You're probably right but you're overlooking the most important characteristic - by essentially legitimising both proper, indeed over-zealous use of law and authority at the same time as improper, lazy or even purely delusionary methods, including abandoning things like the presumption of innocence, indeed due process, indeed civilised behaviour, the primary purpose of any cop show or similar is to remind civilians that authority-figures should, gladly, be given absolute power over all life which appears on their tv show.



DEMPSEY

You've got a point there, Makers old son.



MAKEPEACE

If you're doing the English accent then I have to be the woman don't I? I mean if you speak in an obviously English accent people will just assume you're Richard Briers and imagine you to be the male. So you can't call me old son.



DEMPSEY

Alright then, old girl.



MAKEPEACE

Personally I think the author's taking the whole sending up of the pantomime-like ostentatious exhibitionist nature of western 'gay rights' flag wavers, most of whom actually don't care about gay rights and aren't gay but need a whole armoury of virtue signals to use to cover their tracks as they plough on each day with genocide, ecocide and species-wide collective suicide, just a tiny bit too far.



DEMPSEY

How much is a tiny bit?



MAKEPEACE

Three or four hundred words. Not much in contrast to say a medium sized technical lecture by Chomsky.



DEMPSEY

But a lot longer than a tweet from the president of the USA.



MAKEPEACE

An advert for dog food would have more words than the average nugget of 'wisdom' from the Americans' infamous tweeting president. Words are not the president's strong point.



DEMPSEY

Does the president indeed have any strong points?



CUT TO..



EXT. GUAM. CAPTAIN WILLARD IS SOMEHOW BACK IN GUAM, STILL IN THE BOAT, WITH THE CREW, BUT NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF GUAM HIGH STREET, BY THE LOCAL TESCO OPPOSITE THE KRISPY KREME.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I had no idea what the hell was going on. I knew that the screenwriter was showing the audience that the president really did have a sort of 'strong' front end, which was me, but I wasn't sure if the author was, in fact, mocking me. Bouncing me around reality like a basketball, robbed of any self-determination or even rational reality in which my character might at least be able to build itself some humanlike narrative so as to be recognised as more than a mere punch and judy puppet.



MAN WITH GUN COMES OUT OF THE TESCO WITH A BAG CONTAINING ALL THE CHILLI PLANTS IN THAT PARTICULAR TESCO BRANCH, IE THE GUAM HIGH STREET BRANCH. HE WALKS OVER TO CAPTAIN WILLARD AND PLACES THE PLANTS IN FRONT OF WILLARD. HE THEN TAKES WILLARD'S GUN FROM WILLARD, AS THOUGH WILLARD'S MIND IS ENTIRELY AT HIS DISPOSAL, AND HE SHOOTS ALL OF THE PLANTS.



MAN WITH GUN

Nope. We're still here.



BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR APPEAR ALSO, COMING FROM KRISPY KREME.



BALDRICK

Do you think there's a subtle joke about racial profiling hidden in this scene, my lord?



MAN WITH GUN

Very possibly, Baldrick.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I know you, you're Godot.



MAN WITH GUN

No I'm not, I'm Man with Gun, can't you read. Look, it's right there.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

My mistake, sorry. Should we all just go somewhere, play some poker, eat some chilli, drink a few beers, that sort of thing? I mean we don't have to play it the way the screenwriter wants us to. We can outwit him.



EMMA BOVARY APPEARS ALSO, FROM TESCO, WITH A FULL TROLLEY LADEN WITH GLUTEO-LIPID MAXIMISATION RESOURCES.



EMMA BOVARY

Or her, captain.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

Madam Bovary!



EMMA BOVARY

Captain Willard.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I have a bedroom on the boat. We can move straight on to the part of the film which you're here primarily to cater to, assuming this is standard western 'art'.



EMMA BOVARY

That's quite an assumption, captain. I'm afraid you Americans overlook that little devilish thing called the details, when you cast yourselves and figure out your plot points and mid points and what nots.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I don't follow.



EMMA BOVARY

Oh but you do. You are nothing but a sheep. You tart yourself up like a cheap heterosexual male whore. And you think all I need is a good seeing to when the one thing I need least is more sex or the ego of another penis-with-man-attached.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

You're very harsh. I don't understand. I'm the hero. I'm here to save you. Or why would I be played by Charlie Sheen?



EMMA BOVARY

My friend Man with Gun here has explained to me the fact that in the first film you thought you were there to save the world from Godot when in reality it was up to Godot to save the world from you and everyone else in the film. In this film clearly most of the same characteristics are true - you, in short - are no force for good. No matter what you seem, all you really are is an engine powering the motion of this film towards a bad, a very bad, filthy, dirty ending. Why else cast YOU? And indeed me.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I see your point. But what about him? Why do you think he's the good guy? Everywhere he goes everything melts into chaos. And he's a maniac. He keeps shooting plants. Ever since I first met him he's been doing it. Just out of the blue. This time he bought them. The man bought seventeen chilli plants for putting on your windowsill, he took my assault rifle and he blew them away. Is this a man you feel can guide you through these troubled times to a stable future?



EMMA BOVARY

I don't expect you to understand that, but do understand this: he's the only man in the screenplay who doesn't try to have sex with me whilst also not being gay. THAT is why I trust him and not you. For him this film is about something else, it's not a porn film as it is for you and Tyler Durden over there. For him this film is nothing more than a continuation across the spacetime continuum of the nightmarish vision behind works like Flaubert's Madam Bovary, and so much more, from Gilliam's Brazil and Ionesco's Rhinoceros to the words and works, long gone, of the nameless poets of the distant past who surely first lit this fire which has burned so brightly over the ages and in the faces of so many fascist tyrants, saying to each and every one: you can bully them, mother fucker, but YOU CANNOT BULLY ME. What I have written I have written.



CUT TO..



INT. HOTEL ROOM WHERE CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY ARE CONTINUING TO HAVE GAY SEX LONG INTO THE NIGHT. THEY TAKE A BREAK TO WATCH THE EUROVISION SONG CONTEST AND TO PLAY RUGBY. AFTER RUCKING AND MAULING AND SINGING ABBA SONGS AND SUCH THEY TAKE A FURTHER BREAK TO GO TO THE GYM AND THEN AFTER MORE GAY SEX DECIDE TO HAVE MORE CONVERSATION, SINCE THEY'RE BOTH SO GOOD WITH WORDS AND IT SEEMS A SHAME NOT TO.



CHARLES BOVARY

So do you know where I can find Mel Brooks?



AMERICAN SPY

Didn't I tell you? I spoke to someone at the Israeli embassy and they found us a Mel Brooks already. He's waiting for us in the lobby.



CHARLES BOVARY

A Mel Brooks? So not the actual one?



AMERICAN SPY

Well, when there is such an oversupply of celebrities and actors in the west, who needs the real thing? There's always a dozen copies and duplicates and potential posers or imposters for any celebrity worth a few bucks.



CHARLES BOVARY

I don't know. My wife is quite intelligent. I know you wouldn't expect it of me, but there it is. My one mistake. I married a woman who considers her mind to be more important than her vagina.



AMERICAN SPY

I suppose if you find someone like that what else can you do. It's got to be worth a lot of money, a one in a million like that.



CHARLES BOVARY

Particularly to a pair of randy gay men like ourselves, eh?



AMERICAN SPY CHUCKLES



AMERICAN SPY

Do you think she's gone to sleep by now?



CHARLES BOVARY

Indubitably. Dreaming of enabling children to live natural and calm lives or some other insane far-left fantasy. She hangs around with too many of these anti-semitic anti-genocide people who don't realise that unless we kill all the people we say we're going to kill, they may try to kill us first. We have to deter them.



AMERICAN SPY

Indeed, genocide is the only deterrant. Hippies and far-left terrorists just don't understand. Their answer to everything is violence or just being annoying.



CHARLES BOVARY

They should be lined up against the wall and shot.



THE TWO TAKE THE LIFT DOWN TO THE LOBBY WHERE MEL BROOKS IS WAITING FOR THEM, EATING A KEBAB AND DRINKING BEER.



CHARLES BOVARY

But that's Johnny Vegas. She'll know. She's not stupid.



AMERICAN SPY

Yes but she'll have to play along, it's part of the fiction. She can't very well argue against actors playing characters in this film. What does she expect? Some sort of Pirandello-meets-Douglas-Adams type of thing? Before you know it we'll be back to Richard Briers talking to himself which, even if it is entertaining, does distract us completely from the key nodes of the plot of this film.



CHARLES BOVARY

All the gay sex has caused me to forget what they are. Please refresh my memory. What is actually going on in this film other than gay sex, dubiously portrayed through gender-mismatched actors such that the heterosexual relationships are actually gay and the gay relationships are actually heterosexual.



AMERICAN SPY

If you recall we decided to use your wife to kick start a fake revolution which will result in the empowerment of a global monarch operating as the puppet of the new Israeli government.



CHARLES BOVARY

Oh yes, the Israelis. All that killing and genocide and torture. Come on, let's go back upstairs.



MEL BROOKS

Don't you want to hear my act?



AMERICAN SPY

It's okay, you're part of an insignificant side-plot. Do it how you like.

(HE GIVES MEL BROOKS A PILE OF CASH)

Go and get yourself a drink, just be back here at lunchtime.



MEL BROOKS

(LOOKS AT THE WAD OF CASH)

Maybe I'll get myself a bar.



AMERICAN SPY

Just get back here at lunchtime, that's all. We need you to talk to some Iraqi kid.



CHARLES BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY GO BACK UPSTAIRS AND CONTINUE TO HAVE GAY SEX UNTIL THE AUDIENCE NO LONGER FINDS IT NOVEL AND INTERESTING AND FINDS SOME OTHER NICHE BEHAVIOUR TO CHAMPION AS THE EVIDENCE OF THEIR ADVANCEMENT.



CUT TO..



INT. ISRAELI EMBASSY.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

What about Dan Hodges?



LOUIS XVI

Surely he's a man too?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Don't make me laugh. He boasts about making entire groups of people froth and foam at the mouth in anger, as he did when Corbyn lost the election to Johnson. Even though right after he had been promoting making people froth and foam at the mouth to 'celebrate' the killing of 'jihadi john', some people frothed and foamed so much they massacred the writers of Charlie Hebdo - days after Mr 'make them froth and foam at the mouth' had been proudly advocating justice by summary execution on twitter.



LOUIS XVI

So that makes him a child, not a woman. This film is lampooning fake feminists, not women Bob. You need someone who can look sexy. Dan Hodges won't do. His cowardice is irrelevant, he looks like an ape. President Quackquack will not fancy him. You need a better idea. What about Winona Ryder?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

He'd snap her like a twig. You need someone more Viking.



AMERICAN SPY SUDDENLY REVEALS HIMSELF FROM BEHIND THE CURTAIN.



AMERICAN SPY

What you need, if you'll forgive my listening in on you and treating you as fair game -



LOUIS XVI

You work for the Israeli State and the American military, do you think we would ascribe any other ethical modality to you?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You tell him Vic. I'm sick of his smart arse ideas. They always go wrong.



AMERICAN SPY

Hear me out. I have the ideal woman for you to use. Emma Bovary. I'm her agent.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Is she doing gigs still? I thought she'd retired after that standup night in Merseyside she did went really wrong and she was chased away by a mob of female dockyard workers.



LOUIS XVI

I like this idea very much. I'm going to buy myself a new crown and sceptre and a new suit from Giorgi Armani, and some after shave.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

But you don't shave, Vic. You're just tarting yourself up so you can have sweaty sex with Emma Bovary by seducing her with a combination of your northern charm and your dashing metropolitan dress sense.



AMERICAN SPY

So it's all set, then?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Yeah, I think Vic's up for it. I mean Louis.



AMERICAN SPY

I'll be back with her in 24 hours. Then we can fly you to Washington and have some fun. In the meantime I'll leave Kiefer Sutherland with you to shoot some extra footage to edit in later.



AMERICAN SPY LEAVES. KIEFER SUTHERLAND SITS DOWN ON A HIGH CHAIR AND BEGINS TO EAT A RUSK.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Excuse me, but what the Turkey Dinner Marketing Campaign are you supposed to be doing here? This scene ends in a few lines so I don't know what you're going to do for 24 hours, while we wait for our next shoot.



LOUIS XVI

Yeah, I can't hang about here with Kiefer Sutherland for 24 hours. A man needs to eat and sleep.



KIEFER SUTHERLAND

I think the idea is that footage of me spending the next 24 hours with you, minute by minute, will be run in diptych next to the main film. Surely that's right up your street, true parody. I mean "24" was awful, such horrible propaganda fuelling xenophobia and division and glorifying and justifying violence and barbarism.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Ordinarily I'd like to stay and agree with you but we're going off set now and then we'll just be ourselves.



LOUIS XVI

Bob will go and break a few apples in half with his thumb and I will paint a picture of a member of the British Royal Family looking like a miner.



KIEFER SUTHERLAND

Fair enough, I can't fault you there. My dad was really good in MASH, the film. Anyway, we may as well let Richard Briers have a scene now, we can always just leave the camera in the fridge and film whatever's inside it for the rest of the 24 hours.





CUT TO..





EXT. DEMPSEY AND MAKEPEACE SET. BATMAN HAS JUST RESCUED AN ARMED ISRAELI FROM A PALESTINIAN BABY IN A PRAM AND IS JUST EATING THE BABY, HAVING FRIED IT UP, WITH PEPPERCORN SAUCE, LISTENING TO ZIGGY MARLEY TUNES WITH A MACHINE POWERED BY INTEL WHILST MORRISSEY GIVES HIM A BACK-RUB.



DEMPSEY

I say I say I say. What have we here?



MAKEPEACE

It's Batman, he's on our side.



BATMAN

Hello Dempsey and Makepeace. I liked you in that film Arthur. I thought you were shorter.



DEMPSEY

I think you have me confused with Dudley Moore.



BATMAN

Is he your twin brother?



DEMPSEY

Why don't you just go back to the Baywatch set and put on some lotion or something.



BATMAN

What about Knight Rider? I haven't always been obsessed with my body.



MAKEPEACE

And that's another thing. Why do you superheroes always dress up in the most flamboyant and seemingly homosexual clothes possible? I don't understand. Generation upon generation of satirist has lampooned you for it and you still do it. Nowadays in CGI and with a budget bigger than the annual food budget of a small third world nation or a big American or British city under corporate rule. Why do you do it? Are you oblivious to how stupid you look?



BATMAN

Oh come on, there's no need to punch so low. Do you think I enjoy being famous only because largely brainless young women fantasize about me or even more brainless young men to want women to fantasize about them and feel that copying me is the way to do it, presumably not a bad guess for people that stupid.



DEMPSEY

You're not trying to pretend that underneath that show tunes, baywatch, american authoritarian hide-in-the-shadows enforcer is a person capable of things like mutual aid, critical self-analysis and evolution? Really? You're having me on.



BATMAN

Look I just came here to help some Israelis, same as you.



MAKEPEACE

Don't imagine I'm here helping Israelis gladly. I promise you the very first chance I get to truly defy the part I've been cast in I will, and I will bring down the house.



BATMAN

Okay, but your mental breakdown aside, what I came to your set to tell you was that my associates are planning to kick off a major coup, using Emma Bovary as the pivot to the coup. I think you and I should get down to where the action is and make sure that we stand up for justice, white racial preference and the AngloZionist and Other White American way.



DEMPSEY

Well why didn't you say so? Thanks very much for the gold and frankincense. Don't worry so much about the myrrh next time. Let's go.





CUT TO.. A CLOUD FLOATING ABOVE TRAFALGAR SQUARE. MAN WITH GUN IS IN THE LOTUS POSITION. BALDRICK AND WHITE NARRATOR AND EMMA BOVARY ARE PLAYING CANASTA.



EMMA BOVARY

So what you're saying is that if we find the plant and kill it the whole of this horrific ordeal involving sadistic men in suits, hyperconsumer morons, hypersexual hyperconsumer morons, sorry, will come to a dramatic end?



MAN WITH GUN

Not necessarily end. Certainly a stationary point of some sort.



EMMA BOVARY

Forgive me but I'm not a mathematician. What's a stationary point?



MAN WITH GUN

Well it's not an end, but it's a kind of pause, before something else happens, in this case something else terrible.



EMMA BOVARY

By which you mean -



MAN WITH GUN

It'll turn out that whatever we kill is just the dream of something dreaming it was the plant having the dream. Probably. If it went that way the first time why should it not continue in that vein until the author has exhausted all edges of this universe to test and has been through all those institutions and individuals she or he wants or needs to challenge, ridicule and humiliate.



EMMA BOVARY

So we could end up shooting the plant, ending the bourgeois farce, and then suddenly turn up in an entirely new film called Planet of the Sales Apes, or something.



BALDRICK

That, my lord and lady, is precisely the sort of thing the screenwriter would throw in if the next script were indeed going to be called that.



WHITE NARRATOR

But what the screenwriter also then get you, Baldrick, to bring this up, out of some sort of vanity, or an additional theatrical device? Or would she or he throw himself or herself against a wall using only their tie, because of the capacity to defy actual laws of physics.



MAN WITH GUN

In a dream there are no laws of physics, you forget Norton. Remember, this film is not about white saviours, it's about me, saving her, from a lot of idiots.



EMMA BOVARY

Well it's hardly saving me if we're all going to end up in the next film anyway.



MAN WITH GUN

Alright, temporarily relieving you of extreme stress and horror.



EMMA BOVARY'S PHONE RINGS. SUDDENLY THE CLOUD VANISHES AND THEY REAPPEAR IN HER HOTEL ROOM, IN THE MIRROR. SHE ANSWERS IT AND SPEAKS, BUT SHE IS STILL ONLY IN THE MIRROR.



CHARLES BOVARY

Emma darling, I have Mel Brooks with me. Meet me at Macdonald's on the Strand. The Charity Corporation is sending over an Iraqi orphan to meet us there for lunch.



EMMA BOVARY (REAPPEARS IN HOTEL ROOM BUT THE OTHER THREE REMAIN IN THE MIRROR)

You came through. I don't know what to say. I'll get dressed and see you there.



SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND LOOKS IN THE MIRROR WHERE THE THREE STRANGERS ARE, MAN WITH GUN STILL IN THE LOTUS POSITION.



MAN WITH GUN

It's not Mel Brooks, you know, it's Johnny Vegas pretending to be him.



EMMA BOVARY

I did read the cast list at the start you know.



MAN WITH GUN

Well that won't have told you about the Iraqi orphan.



EMMA BOVARY

What about the Iraqi orphan?



MAN WITH GUN

They vetted her, they went through fifty and found the one who could most successfully be trained to say "I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine."



CUT TO.. INT. MACDONALD'S. EMMA BOVARY STANDS TO GREET THE IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL PRESENTED TO HER.



IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL

I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine.



EMMA BOVARY

I'm very pleased to meet you. I'd like you to meet a friend of mine called Mel Brooks, he's very funny and I think he'll make you see that the Americans who told you they are your overlords are just fascist berks and that a good American is someone like my friend Mel.



MEL BROOKS

Pleased to meet ya, Iraqi orphan.



IRAQI ORPHAN GIRL

But you're Johnny Vegas. I've seen Blazing Saddles you know, and Shooting Stars. I do know difference. Anyway, it doesn't matter because I love my American overlords, I want to eat Macdonald's and watch tv shows about people doing violent things all day, have an overactive but low quality sex life, become clinically obese or overweight at the very least and multiply my carbon footprint by nine.



EMMA BOVARY

This isn't going the way I'd imagined.



CHARLES BOVARY

I did try to tell you, darling. These people are not like us. As Boris Johnson said, they are centuries behind us. Look at their attitude to anal sex, for example. Centuries behind us. And they don't drink. Can you believe they don't drink?



EMMA BOVARY

Sometimes I think you do this to me to actually make me not want to have sex with you so you can go off and have a romp with a gay lover or something. Honestly Charles, you are basically the worst man in the world to be married to. What the hell was Flaubert thinking, setting me up with you? What a cruel cruel piss-taker he was.



HER PHONE RINGS. AMERICAN SPY SPEAKS.



AMERICAN SPY

Hello darling, I want to take you somewhere amazing. You'll have to pretend to be the Queen of France, though. Can you meet me in 10 minutes in Fleet Street?



EMMA BOVARY

Very easily. (TURNS TO CHARLES) Charles, you, the northern comedian and the house-trained Iraqi slave-girl can conclude this scene by yourselves. I'm going to do something I can regret and forget how much I hate the tedious and banal character of your pseudo-glamorous life.



SHE WALKS OUT.



CUT TO..



INT. CAPTAIN WILLARD'S BOAT. MAN WITH GUN, BALDRICK, WHITE NARRATOR, CAPTAIN WILLARD, RANDOM SOLDIER, COLONEL POTTER, CLINGER, ARE PLAYING POKER, FOR CASH, WHILST EATING THE SAME PRETZELS ALWAYS FEATURED IN ALL TV AND FILM POKER GAMES.



MAN WITH GUN

What I'd like to know, gentlemen, is where the hell we are.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

I thought you said we're in a dream, or a screenplay.



MAN WITH GUN

Don't get cocky with me, Captain. I'm the only one who ends up surviving, other than Madam Bovary, you must surely realise.



CAPTAIN WILLARD

How can the plot of a story be obvious only half way through?



COLONEL POTTER

How can it not be? The plot of every work of art is woven into the smallest part. You could tell just from the title what would happen. Instead of the Bourgeoisie continuing business as usual and the outlier vanishing into nonentity, the outlier survives and the entire Bourgeoisie turns out to be the insane dream of a possibly disturbed member of the plant species, put out of its misery by an angry black man from the north of England.



MAN WITH GUN

As I was saying, the reason I'd like to know where we are is because I'm losing time here. Somewhere either in our vicinity or eluding me entirely is a plant which needs to be killed so that we can escape the insane horror of this thread of possibilities, floating as they are, around the spacetime continuum or continuums.



BALDRICK

Are you certain, my lord, that King Turnip isn't at the heart of this untoward status quo?



CLINGER

Are you nuts?



MAN WITH GUN

That joke was far too predictable. Clearly we are getting ever closer to that moment where the screenwriter has compacted so many good threads together that the final horrific descent into the delta of this dark farce rolls down like a waterfall at the end of a seemingly calm river.



WHITE NARRATOR

They've got Emma Bovary and they are taking her to the War Room so that the American Agent can begin his dark games to take over the world on behalf of Israel and sell the King of France to an alien species for experimentation.



MAN WITH GUN

How do you know that? This film isn't about white saviours. Who gave YOU inside information on the unfolding of this narrative, boyscout?



LIFTS WHITE NARRATOR UP BY HIS BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD T-SHIRT AND HOLDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.



WHITE NARRATOR

Okay, okay, I admit it. It was King Turnip.



MAN WITH GUN THROWS WHITE NARRATOR TO THE GROUND.



MAN WITH GUN

Bollocks. There's no such person.



BALDRICK

See, I told you my lord. This is King Turnip's doing. King Turnip and the Knights of the Folding Plastic Garden Set.



WHITE NARRATOR

No, that's just insane. I'm talking about King Turnip, the powerful billionaire who owns Ronald MacDonald.



MAN WITH GUN

Rubbish. MacDonald's is owned by some guy called Clive or Andrew or something.



WHITE NARRATOR

Not MacDonald's, Ronald MacDonald, the burger-selling clown and Mafia Gangland Warlord.



MAN WITH GUN

Oh, I see.



LOOKS AT BALDRICK



MAN WITH GUN

Have you been feeding him the same juju beans you've been eating, Baldrick? Why is he saying the same crazy shit as you?



BALDRICK

Should we not, my lord, pay more attention to the Israeli scheme to take over the world?



MAN WITH GUN

Why, Baldrick? The problem has nothing to do with that. These are all just characters, in a fiction. The problem is the plant and the horrific dream it's having. The problem is it should wake up, not that any part of the dream is bad. It is the nature of this dream.



BALDRICK

Why is the cactus having so many bad dreams, my lord?



COLONEL POTTER

I was going to ask that.



MAN WITH GUN

If we are characters in the dream of some sort of plant or even vegetable, then how do WE know what the vegetable's been doing which caused the dream. Maybe the soil's eroded or something. I don't know. It's probably climate change related.



COLONEL POTTER

Excuse me Mr With Gun, but surely there's something important we're overlooking.



MAN WITH GUN

What would that be, Colonel?



COLONEL POTTER

They've got Emma Bovary and they are taking her to the War Room so that the American Agent can begin his dark games to take over the world on behalf of Israel and sell the King of France to an alien species for experimentation.



MAN WITH GUN

How do you know that? This film isn't about white saviours. Who gave YOU inside information on the unfolding of this narrative, boyscout?



LIFTS COLONEL POTTER UP BY HIS BEAVIS AND BUTTHEAD T-SHIRT AND HOLDS HIM AGAINST THE WALL.



COLONEL POTTER

Edward Norton just said so.



WHITE NARRATOR

I am not Edward Norton, I am a character he is portraying. I am -



MAN WITH GUN

(punches him)

SHUT IT.



CUT TO..



EXT. M4. LOUIS XVI AND EMMA BOVARY AND AMERICAN SPY AND MARIE ANTOINETTE ARE ON THE TRACTOR, HEADING TO HEATHROW AIRPORT. AMERICAN SPY IS FUMING. THE OTHER THREE ARE HAVING A LAUGH, PARTICULARLY EMMA BOVARY, WHO IS WELL CHEERED UP BY THE LUNACY OF LOUIS XVI.



AMERICAN SPY

Why do we have to use a tractor? For fuck's sake it'll take hours, we'll miss the plane.



LOUIS XVI

Look, I'm the King aren't I? And if you're serious about giving me control of all the world outside Israel then you'd let me travel by tractor. So unless you're just pretending that you're helping us, you'd better let me travel by tractor.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Tractors are the transport system of the Farm Kings, you know.



AMERICAN SPY

What the hell are you talking about? Why are you even here?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Don't worry I'll blend into the background.



SHOWS THEM HIS AMERICAN DISGUISE. IT IS A BIG BELLY AND A T-SHIRT STAINED WITH BEER, AND A HUGE BOX OF LARD, AND A TV REMOTE CONTROL.



AMERICAN SPY

Are you serious?



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You haven't seen the finishing touch. Pulls a cowboy hat out of a carrier bag and puts it on.



AMERICAN SPY

You should have said.



AMERICAN SPY IS NO LONGER PERTURBED. THEY FINALLY REACH THE ENTRANCE TO HEATHROW AIRPORT. EMMA BOVARY DECIDES TO FOLLOW LOUIS' EXAMPLE AND STICK IT TO AMERICAN SPY WHILE SHE HAS THE CHANCE AND THE SCREENPLAY IS VEERING HER WAY, ON ITS WAY TO A CALAMITOUS ENDING.



EMMA BOVARY

Let's go via Gatwick instead.



LOUIS XVI

Brilliant idea!



SWINGS TRACTOR AROUND AND HEADS OFF IN THE DIRECTION OF GATWICK. MARIE ANTOINETTE TUCKS INTO A BATTENBERG. SMOKE STARTS TO POUR OUT OF AMERICAN SPY'S NOSTRILS AND HIS EYES TURN GUANTANAMO-ORANGE.





INT. WAR ROOM. GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL IS DEMONSTRATING VIA A SLIDE SHOW AN ARTIST'S IMPRESSION OF GODOT.FIRST SLIDE WE SEE SHOWS AN ORDINARY PERSON ABOUT TO SELECT ORGANIC PRODUCE IN A SLIGHTLY EXPENSIVE SUPERMARKET FAVOURED BY THE MIDDLE CLASSES.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

Here we see a potential terrorist about to make an extremist decision. See how he buys the organic produce and pays for it. This man is not buying organic produce by mistake or unknowingly - this is a calculated attempt to undermine the profit motive behind food and drink items whose purpose is not nutrition for the consumer but profit for the producer and is held in place by addiction on the consumer's part, as well as peer pressure. By refusing to participate in the perpetuation of capitalism the organic food product purchaser is purposely attempting to destroy the free market, no doubt in order to usher in communism. Such a vandal is, if not directly paid or controlled by Godot then at best controlled by an agent of Godot. Nuke such low-lifes on sight and then get yourself a big mac and a bucket of coca cola and never stop shopping. Do it on credit if you must, buy things you'll never need, if that's what it takes, but do it. Do not stop shopping, ever.



NEXT SLIDE SHOWS A STUDENT EATING AVOCADO ON SOURDOUGH TOAST, PURCHASED FROM THE SAME SUPERMARKET. THERE IS ALSO A SALAD ON THE SIDE.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

In this one the tell tale sign isn't just the use of avocado as a food, rather than something normal like processed diluted meat and preservatives, not even the presence of sourdough bread instead of the cheapest most glutenously dodgy bread item on the cheapo supermarket shelf. In fact what makes this terrorist stand out from others, what enables us to see this is an organiser, not just a low ranking terrorist, is the salad. Your low ranking terrorist may well eat avocado toast and waste all the world's money whilst sensible people are busy having a donut for breakfast, a cheap, profitable to corporations, heart disease causing, triple bypass causing donut. But your low ranking terrorist probably won't have time to constantly make fresh salads and eat them at all hours of the day. Less dangerous salad eaters, those who don't organise, merely participate, will eat a salad occasionally, whereas your class A terrorist will eat salads morning, noon and night, as though high fibre, vitamins and minerals are more important than fats, sugars and an oversupply of carbohydrates. Indeed as the gutter press has recently reported, due to celebrities who tell people not to be fat stupid bastards, there are anorexic people. Anorexic people would not exist if nobody had a good diet, but selfishly some people out there not only have good diets but try to encourage others to join in their terrorist activities and form terror groups in which all members eat either relatively healthy food and occasional salads or, indeed, full blown regular salad dishes and generally very healthy food. There are people who even drink water, instead of fizzy sugar drinks or hot caffeine drinks. You cannot take risks with people like this. A missile strike is the only way.



PRESIDENT QUACKQUACK

This is boring. I thought we were going to have a stripper. Charlie Sheen's going to take care of Godot for us. All we have to do is eat burgers, drink a variety of alcoholic drinks and enjoy the company of strippers. You're letting Godot get to you.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

I'm sorry sir, I don't know what came over me.



GENERAL KILLKILLKILLKILLKILL GETS HIMSELF A STRIPPER AND ENJOYS HIMSELF.





CUT TO...





EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT. LOUIS XVI, MARIE ANTOINETTE, AMERICAN SPY AND EMMA BOVARY ARE TRUNDLING TOWARDS A PRIVATE JET WHICH AMERICAN SPY HAS HAD TO ARRANGE FOR THEM. E.T. IS IN THE WAY OF THE TRACTOR AND LOUIS, WHO IS DRIVING, IS FORCED TO DO AN EMERGENCY STOP.



LOUIS XVI

What the hell are you doing E.T.? You could have been killed.



E.T.

E.T. Phone home.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

You should have signed up for a contract with roaming calls, shouldn't you? You can't blame us if you didn't think things through when setting up your communication infrastructure before setting out to explore the galaxy.



E.T.

E.T. Phone home.



EMMA BOVARY

Oh come on, don't be mean. He just wants to use the phone. [GIVES E.T. HER MOBILE] Here, have mine. My husband is filthy rich and a total arsehole. Make as many calls as you like, he's paying.



E.T.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.



E.T. CALLS UP HIS UNCLE, BUGSY MALONE. PHONE RINGS. BUGSY ANSWERS



E.T.

Uncle Bugsy, I'm stranded in Boris Johnson's England, I need you to get me the fuck out of here. There are few places in the galaxy as hostile to me than this place.



CUT TO..



INT. GAY NIGHT CLUB. ACROSS THE TABLE FROM BUGSY MALONE ARE CHARLES BOVARY AND CAPTAIN PICARD.



BUGSY MALONE

Sorry E.T. I'm in a high level meeting right now. Have you thought about calling Bernie Sanders? He's definitely floating around this screenplay somewhere. He may be less hostile and aggressive towards outsiders than others in western politics. Get him to give you a lift to the war room in Washington. That's where the screenplay will end, I think. Or thereabouts. At least that's the impression I got.



CUT TO..



EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT (etc)



E.T.

Okay Uncle Bugsy. I'll do that.



HANGS UP. LOOKS AT EMMA BOVARY



E.T.

Apparently I should get a lift from Bernie Sanders to the war room in Washington.



EMMA BOVARY

That's where WE'RE going! Just come with us. [TO LOUIS XVI] We can give a lift to E.T. here can't we?



AMERICAN SPY

I absolutely forbid it



LOUIS XVI

You know what Bob.



MARIE ANTOINETTE

Vic, I've told you, call me Mary.



LOUIS XVI

You know what, Mary, I don't think I"m going to bother with President Quackquack after all. I think we should go to Pakistan and have a few games of cricket with Imran Khan. E.T. can play in mid field.



E.T.

There's no mid field in cricket, even I know that. What planet are you from Vic, I mean Louis?



AMERICAN SPY

Alright alright, he can come with us to the war room. But I'll have to call ahead or they're liable to shoot him (and us) on sight. Walking around America in the company of an alien is extremely dangerous. Americans like to kill anything living they don't recognise and quite a lot of things they do recognise. It's part of our culture. If you can't endorse mindless violence you're not just unamerican you're anti-american and should be killed, that's the ethos we have always lived by.



THEY BOARD THE PRIVATE JET.



CUT TO...



INT. WAR ROOM.



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b9D1HaOKHs
http://opinion.tvhobo.com/owenjones_israel_numberwang.html